I would like to vent a little bit.

I have been noticeing that some people are not very nice on xanga toward people they believe are not ‘truely anorexic’.  This is my personal disclaimer.

I never said I was anorexic.  I probubly have an EDNOS but thing is I don’t like to classify myself as something because I will probubly never live up to someone else’s standards.  Here is my deal, I want to lose weight and I will do just about anything to do so except purge.  I don’t binge, but I feel like a failure when I eat like a normal person.  I take diet pills, and I find that when I work out I look and feel better.  I can’t always get away with just not eating, around friends or family, but when I fast I feel way better than normal. 

As for how long I’ve been doing this, I have always felt like I needed to lose weight.  Always.  Even when I was a little girl.  I still do.  I didn’t get really into doing all of this until my senior year of high school because I always felt like I would be a faker if I tried to not eat.  I ended up getting to the place in my life where my body is something that I can control and it can cause me to be happy or to be upset, and I would rather at least feel like at some point it will make me happy.  Also a good friend of mine (who didn’t pressure me or try to ‘give me her disease’) helped me sort out what I was feeling and get a start.  I haven’t been on xanga for a long time, really only about a month because my friend introduced me to it, but that shouldn’t mean that I haven’t had a history with all of this.

I realize that some people are going to say ‘if you don’t have to be like this then don’t be’, but the thing is I don’t have to listen to you either.  I don’t have to do many things and it’s my choice to live like I do.  I try to keep health enough, and I’ve actually not been sick so far this year which is different because I usually get sick all the time (colds, flu, sinus infections). 

I think the point I’m trying to make is that I don’t feel the need to validate what I’m doing to anyone, and before anyone asks me to I would like to tell them politely that I won’t do it.  I won’t justify what I do to someone else because they think I shouldn’t be doing it.  Life doesn’t work that way.  Tough shit.

I hope that makes sense, and if it doesn’t than ask me a question and I will explain.

Intake today

B – slept through

L – I had a mini twix at the post office

Pills – 1 zantrax 3, 1 apple cider diet pill, 2 fiber, 2 green tea, 1 gpower, juice plus

D – will be pizza and probubly chocolate. 

I couldn’t sleep yesterday so I took a bunch of nyquil and now I’m dead on my feet.  Ack.  Time to go comment. 

EDIT – I know, folks.  I know it’s bad to eat the pizza.  But I want to celebrate having Holly here like a normal person and I’m going to fast tomorrow in order to try to even things out.  I love fasting, it feels like nothing else.  Thanks for the comments though and if you keep leaving them I will keep leaving you them.

129.8

Well, I’m pretty excited.  I ate last night too.  Wow.  Maybe it was the workout.  I don’t know but whatever it is I’m going to keep at that.  That is 9.8 pounds closer to my goal!  I’m so excited!!!

EDIT – Intake

Ramen Noodles – 400 cals

Granola Bar – 190 cals

Honey Nut Cherios – 110 cals

Hot Chocolate – 150 cals

Also a bunch of the appropriate pills.

I will probubly eat more later.  Because I will most likely eat regular ish for the next few days.  Only because I want to be able to celebrate with Holly her return.  And then I will get back to normal.  Plus I’m working out.  Those are my justifications. 

EDIT AGAIN! – I just did about 20 minutes of yoga and 50 of strip tease aerobics.  Gotta tell yah, the thighs are burning and twitching.  “Involuntary muscle spasm!  Watch the show!!!”   And I did about 5 minutes of crunches, I know not alot but better than nothing.  And now time for a shower.

EDIT AGAIN AGAIN!! – I keep forgetting to mention that I re-did one of my old bracelettes that has earth toned beads on hemp, and also made a red bracelette.  Just embroidery floss in knots but I like it.  It goes well with the old one.  Maybe I will post pictures sometime. 

Ok, ended my fast. 

Progresso Steak and Potato Soup – about 300 cals

Frosted Chex – 110 cals

2 Kisses and 2 Peanut Butter Cups – must be under 50 cals

And a Milky Way.  AHAHAHA 270 cals or something.  I think it’s hilarious that so much of my intake is made up of chocolate.  I just love it so much!

So not bad for one day, plus I took the pills.  Thank you for all of the support everyone, it’s very encouraging! 

I’m watching What a Girl Wants (again!) and Oliver James is sooooo hott.  Gotta tell you.  It’s he is a musician AND brittish.  Love it!

EDIT – Just worked out for an hour.  Did the yoga and the crunches and the other random exercises.  That should help with having ended the fast.  Hopefully tomorrow will be a good day.  And red_candle just told me how much is really in the kisses and peanut butter cups and I swear that is like over half of my intake that was chocolate.  I think I’m ok with that.  Ahaha.  I just think it’s funny. 

❤ M

I really can’t afford to use my time to comment on everyone’s journals right now, so I’m going to.

I haven’t eaten since sunday.  And I’m down to 130.1.  I am tres happy.

I am super tired though.  But He is going to be up here today!  I might get to see him!  AHHHH!!!  Ok enough.  Time to go make comments.

Sad Anorexic
Life hurts, and you know it. You’re depressed and
maybe suicidal sometimes. Your depression and
wistfullness are probably linked to
self-hatred. For you, physical suffering like
hunger pangs and headaches represents the
emotional pain you’re in. You wish you were
healthy, but by now it doesn’t seem possible.

What Kind of Anorexic Are You?
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