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Dirty Sean

Category Archives: Dirty’s Reports

Some Thoughts on the Glory of Single-dom

22 Sunday Mar 2015

Posted by Meagan Sean in Dirty Little..., Human Interest, Things TV Teaches Me

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Human Interest, Nugget 'O Truth

max2Being single can be like being on vacation.
For instance, you can create rules and boundaries in your life and only have to answer to yourself. Better yet, you can change or break the rules however you like. If you decide that you don’t drink on week nights but have a particularly awful day on Tuesday and want to shotgun a glass of wine as soon as you get home, you can do it and call it a freebie. The only person who has to deal with your behavior is you.
You can be utterly selfish. This even extends to relationships in certain phases, because until there’s a ring on it there’s still that room in your life to say “that’s where I do what I do and you don’t have a say in it”. You get to say no to plans because you want a pedicure. You get to dole out your time with friends like a miser or lavish attention in unexpected ways. You can put all of your time and money into your favorite hobby, be it learning how to basket weave, playing a certain game, or constructing life size clay creatures from fantasy novels. You get to have your thing that makes you happy and no one gets to take that away from you.
You can have weird rituals.  You can spend two hours perfecting your makeup.  You can wake up later and skip the shower.  If you’re a slob that keeps piles of clothes instead of a hamper you have a completely organized floor. If you can’t go to bed without having cleaned the house with everything in it’s place you can call it a perfectly normal night.
When you’re single you can do things like treat yourself to an adventure, be it driving across a few states to see a friend or taking yourself to the movies. It’s a little scary, but it’s exhilarating to experience something all by yourself. You can focus on the parts of a movie that speak to you, or the joys of a long drive that make you feel more like yourself.
One thing that I sometimes miss about being single is being able to romanticize what a relationship would be like. I think we all have done it, looking forward to that magical moment when your eyes meet across the room, the butterflies will be fluttering in your tummy as that person starts talking to you, and you find yourself swept off your feet with the initial request to spend time together. I used to imagine beautiful dates planned and sweet conversations with compliments about parts of me that I didn’t know could be seen as beautiful to another human being.
Of course, it is usually based on the romantic things I’ve seen in movies, TV shows, and heard in love songs. One of the reasons I actually love the movie “They Came Together” (which my boyfriend calls one of the worst movies he’s ever been forced to watch, right up there with the time I made him watch “Pride and Prejudice”) is that it mocks the entire romantic comedy genre in the best way ever. It gives the characters the qualities and story lines that we see in every Rom-Com, making the entire movie a mockery of what Hollywood has sugar coated and force fed us since we were in the uterus.
Now that I’m on the other side, in a relationship, I occasionally fantasize about the romantic ideas like I used to, but I don’t get too far into them. I’m happy with the Fella that I have, and dreaming about what he could be like if he changed feels wrong. I know what kind of person he is and what kind of person I am. Of course, as a woman, I want to be romanced and wooed and pursued. But it doesn’t all come about in the same ways. Our romantic moments are usually surrounded by goofy moments, loud moments, nerdy moments, serious moments, angry moments, stupid moments, stinky moments, and more. I wouldn’t trade the reality of talking with our mouths full about what the correct answer is in “Who Wants to be a Millionaire” for the daydream of what Hollywood deems romantic. dirty

Hold Your Tongue

16 Friday Jan 2015

Posted by Meagan Sean in Dirty Little...

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Dirty's Report, Human Interest, Nugget 'O Truth

tumblr_n4598kth4T1sa2ghlo1_250tumblr_n4598kth4T1sa2ghlo2_250 I’ve been thinking about what I want to accomplish this year, what goals I might have for myself. The first thought was to start working out, but I quickly put that to rest by remembering that I won’t. I have made lists before of the things I want to do for the year, all kinds of goals that are big and small and most of them never get spoken of or thought of again. But one thing is on my mind for this year, and it’s a thorn in my side I hope I don’t ignore.
The first realization I had of needing to work on this particular thing was during a conversation with my friend/coworker. She mentioned that she couldn’t get a sleeve of tattoos because at her wedding she would wear a strapless dress and her boyfriend’s family is super conservative. I was incredulous.
“I can’t imagine you marrying him when you only ever talk crap about him!”
She told me point blank that that’s what you do with your girlfriends; you talk crap about your boyfriend.
“We never talk about the good things because no one cares, it’s fun to talk about how stupid they are.”
I immediately told her a story about how adorable my boyfriend had been a few days before, to balance it out.
I then went on with work and realized that I do talk crap more often than mentioning the positive things in my relationship, and in many parts of my life. And I realized that it’s not a small issue, it’s a heart issue. What people say effects others and themselves in ways that they don’t expect, and I’m sure that what I say out loud can be detrimental to my own positive view of my relationships and my life.
I started to think about it again after a conversation with my mom about how Jesus told people how serious blasphemy is.

Therefore I tell you, every sin and blasphemy will be forgiven people, but the blasphemy against the Spirit will not be forgiven. And whoever speaks a word against the Son of Man will be forgiven, but whoever speaks against the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven, either in this age or in the age to come. (Matthew 12:31&32)

If you need to know everything about this passage and what it means exactly I highly recommend this article which explains much of the intricacies of the passage. In context, Jesus was talking to the Pharisees that were telling people that he was able to perform miracles not because of the Holy Spirit, but because he was possessed by Satan. Even in the bible, people have problems with talking crap when they should keep their mouths shut.
I started thinking about blasphemy and about how the act of insulting or showing contempt or lack of reverence for God would make him feel. The fact of the matter is that we all know what it’s like to have someone talk badly about us behind our backs. Only the blissfully ignorant miss out on the heartbreak of knowing that someone you care about has decided to say something insulting about you to someone else. But God doesn’t even have the chance to turn his back before we start saying whatever we want to about him, good or bad. The creator of the world, the omniscient and all-powerful God, he hears every evil word that comes out of our mouths.
When I was thinking about this I had a very specific memory come up that is the only way I could relate in my own small human way.
I was having dinner with a boyfriend, and we were talking about our relationship. We had been together a few months. He explained to me that if I had told him the night before that I loved him that he would have broken up with me on the spot. I asked why, and he replied,
“Because I don’t love you.”
From there, every time he did anything careless, inconsiderate, rude, selfish, or stupid I just wanted to say,
“I already know you don’t love me, you don’t have to keep trying to prove it.”
It stuck with me. It’s still stuck with me. It’s not the kind of thing that I can hear and forget. It’s not the kind of thing I could imagine saying to someone, ever, and yet it’s something I was told to my face. I don’t know if the moment will ever leave my memory or my heart, of knowing that no matter how nice he was to me, how sweet or kind or funny or committed, he still doesn’t love me.
And yet, Jesus says that every sin and blasphemy will be forgiven, even what we say against the Son of God himself. God can hear us say the worst things, worse than I don’t love you, and still has so much room for forgiveness that he will be able to listen to our intercessor (Jesus) and choose to forget what we have said, what we have done.
My goal for this year is to practice biting my tongue when it comes to talking crap and to remember that if God can choose to forget our sins that I have plenty of room in my heart, that Christ renews daily, to forgive what others might say about or towards me.
Have you discovered any particular places in your heart that God wants you to work on this year? Or have you made a list of goals, like I usually fail to complete? Did you decide on straight up resolutions? I’d love to hear your thoughts and comments!
dirty

Hard Things.

14 Friday Nov 2014

Posted by Meagan Sean in Dirty's Reports

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Dirty's Report, Human Interest, inappropriate, My Philosophy

I worked ten days in a row in the past two weeks. Would you like to know what I like about working ten days in a row? None of it.
Working that many days, no matter what the shift length, straight through is something that I call a hard thing to do. Another is to blog all the time when you’re working like a crazy person and attempting to remember what kids do on their weekends off.
anigif_enhanced-buzz-24257-1368233841-0It was a hard thing for me to overcome my fear of driving. I had to pray a lot about that, but eventually my hands stopped shaking when I would get out of the car. In fact, I now enjoy driving by myself with the system cranked so I can belt out my favorite teen pop songs from ten years ago. It even can relax me! What a turn this has all taken!
It’s also a hard thing for me to remember the rules of the road, also to not consider driving just a real life video game. I have to remind myself it’s not Mario Kart on a regular basis.
It’s a hard thing to have relationships. From friendships to family to significant others, it’s really hard to wake up every day and decided that you want to shower people with love when there are so many reasons not to. For instance, that person is behaving like a spoiled brat. Or, I don’t really feel like making that phone call right now cus I just got out of work and I’m tired. Or, I don’t want to spend my time with you right now because I want to be alone watching Gilmore Girls on Netflix. Or, I can’t figure out how to give you what you want so I’m going to ignore you until you pester me so much that we end up fighting. So many good reasons to just let relationships fail, but then I’d miss the wonderful benefits of having my good friends available for advice and laughter. I’d miss being able to be a part of a family that is messy and loud and loves each other hard. I’d even miss being able to put my heart on the line in a relationship that will require teamwork and dedication to fighting for each other.
It’s a hard thing to know people who have died. Remembering them is the quickest way to pull clouds over the sun. It’s a hard thing to live a life that celebrates who they were and what you have when you don’t feel like celebrating. Death impacts people in very distinct ways. It can make you wonder what the point is of continuing life, because to be honest when you lose someone just living day to day can be a hard thing to do.
Living through terrible illness can be the biggest hard things to do that ever was. I haven’t been through this kind of suffering, and I would never claim to understand the pain that it brings an individual. But where the media has recently been covering the topic because of one individual’s decision regarding her illness, I do have my own opinions on it.
Brittany Maynard made headlines because after being diagnosed with a highly malignant and aggressive form of brain tumor that would eventually kill her she decided to end her own life under Oregon’s so-called Death with Dignity law. I see mixed reviews on my Facebook feed, some of my friends are applauding her and some of my friends are… not.
One thing I’d like to make clear is that no matter what my opinion or your opinion is, it’s strictly that: an opinion. In the same way that I can offer my opinion on Kim Kardashian’s new magazine cover; it really won’t change what has already happened. Our opinions might give people a chance to think a little differently, to have the world open up a little more than it was before, but that is it.
I do not see myself ever supporting an act that allows someone to take his or her own life. I have had friends who have attempted to take their own lives out of mental anguish and even a friend who succeeded. In their minds the suffering that they were going through was so great that they decided to end the pain. Their hard things to do became too hard for them. I have also known strong and brave people who have gone through illnesses that tortured them to the core of their being until they died.
I think the reason I’m not into the death with dignity thing is because dignity isn’t something I deserve when I see myself in the light of certain truths. Whatever dignity I have won’t be credited to me, especially since if you know me you know I don’t have much of it at all. It will be all on the man who died on a cross in the most undignified manner that his people could think of, just to rise up again to receive more honor and glory than any person on earth could possibly dream of.
There are hard things to do in this world. We can hope that going through hard things can make us stronger and wiser than before, but that’s not always the case. Sometimes it makes us selfish and bitter, without as much space in our hearts as we once had. What I desire, when it comes to my life, is that the hard things will point me back to Christ, who went through the hardest things for no reason other than His intense love for us. My hope, dignity, and strength that gets me through the hard things, it’s all in Him.
dirty

There was blood, everywhere…

19 Friday Sep 2014

Posted by Meagan Sean in Dirty's Reports

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adventure, Dirty's Report

You know those people who go and do stuff for charity for fun? I’m not one of them. I can’t be bothered to go out and walk around a track so that you can make 15$ off my aching legs and poor attitude. Actually, it usually comes down to me being too poor to give any money. Also, I’m lazy. Hello, I’m american! We like to watch other people do these things! Like the ice bucket challenge, which apparently has helped raise money for ALS, that I’m 75% sure a lot of my friends didn’t actually donate towards. They just did the ice bucket thing and then challenged other people, cus it was what people were doing. It was fun and cold and summer, you guys!
But, I digress.
On Monday this Fella I wanted to hang out with told me he was going to go give blood to the Red Cross on Tuesday morning. I had two questions, the first being “Well, when are we gonna hang out?” and the second, which I thought of a little while later, “Can I come?”
I have never given blood because when I tried in high school I had low iron, so I just assumed I would let sleeping dogs lie. Or, in more accurate terms, I was too lazy to try again. This fellow, on the other hand, apparently gives pretty regularly both blood and platelets. So I thought to myself, “I could be a good person too!” and I made the plan to do it.

Kate is the one with the tongue.  I'm the one doing the big arms thing.  Don't be intimidated by our dazzling beauty.

Kate is the one with the tongue. I’m the one doing the big arms thing. Don’t be intimidated by our dazzling beauty.

Then I remembered this friend of mine, Kate, who is really more like a sister, who has had the diagnosis of autoimmune hemolytic anemia since before I met her a few years ago. Kate, who has posted on facebook about how much she appreciates people who give blood and platelets because she is one of the people who has to get transfusions. Kate, who has medical bills so big that she had to start a GoFundMe because her family has been financially run dry for the time being. I remembered Kate, and how much I miss her, and how she would appreciate the little gift of a pint of blood. I think that’s how I become able to give, by remembering the people who I know that are in need.
blood1Two older men were checking us in. I thought they were hilarious because they didn’t know how to use their computers, so I helped them out. They reminded me of my dad, because he always has me help him with computer stuff. Because we were walk ins we had to wait and see if appointments didn’t show up, so we hung out for 15 to 30 minutes before we both got numbers.
When my number was called I went with the technician and answered questions about never having had AIDS or HIV, never having left the country, not having had a blood transfusion from the United Kingdom or France, etc. She checked my blood pressure and iron, which was doing rather nicely compared to high school, and then set me up with another technician to get my blood draining.
blood2I’m not ashamed, I totes played on my phone and took selfies while I was waiting to get hooked up. The Fella was already hooked up, playing on his phone, and was eating pizza by the time I got punctured. After he went and sat down this older man came over to me.
blood3In a rather thick New England accent he announced, “Your boyfriend says to hurry up! You’re taking too long!”
“I just got started!” I replied, laughing at his sass.
“I’m joking with yah, he came over and I told him he cant leave for 15 minutes and he said ‘oh, I’ll be here for a while, I’m waiting for her!’ and he pointed over here so I came over to give you a hard time.”
“Well that’s fine, he’ll be OK.”
blood4At this point I was taking a selfie with my phone, because, yolo, at which time Carmine (that was his name) proclaimed, “That’s called a Selfie!”
I said yes, yes it is. Then Carmine offered to take a picture for me, but I declined and thanked him for the offer.
blood5When I was all unplugged by the very nice technician that was willing to discuss the absurdity of Paris Hilton with me I went over and had a piece of pizza with the Fella and drank some water. Afterwards we went to a Chinese place and I ate part of my meal, I was so very tired at that point! The rest of the day was spent taking a nap and watching Doctor Who.
I guess, if you want a life lesson out of this, what I would tell you when it comes to giving is twofold. First, give from the heart. Find a reason that you want to give and you will be more likely to actually do it. Don’t think about feeling good about yourself, because it doesn’t matter how you feel about yourself. What matters is whether or not you’re helping someone. Second, give what you can. Whether it’s money, clothes, food, blood, volunteer support, there is always a need to be filled. I’m hoping to find more ways I can give with what little I have, and I hope you will too. dirty

SOAP: Idol Worshiper

25 Friday Jul 2014

Posted by Meagan Sean in Dirty Little..., SOAP

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Lies My Heart Tells Me, Nugget 'O Truth

anigif_enhanced-31598-1398176150-6
Scripture:

For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that people are without excuse. (Romans 1:20)

Observation: In the Amplified text instead of “being understood for what has been made” it says “clearly discernible in and through the things that have been made (His handiworks)”. Since the dawn of creation God’s character has been able to be witnessed through creation itself, through nature and weather, plants and animals, even human beings. And we have witnessed it; all of humanity together, and somehow still we find ways to put aside His glory for the sake of creation’s beauty. Sin is crafty, distorting our lens and keeping our hearts desiring earthly substitution for heavenly things.  In other words, sin helps us find ways to worship the creation, and not the creator. And idols can be any of it.
Application: So, I’m an idolater. I have idols and I turn to them for fulfillment instead of God.
How does this apply? Um, cus I don’t bother to look past creation to the presence of God and his Glory, I just see the creation. Case and point, the other day I was having a rough time and I texted someone and asked them to say something nice to me so I would feel better. Even as I was doing it, I knew I was in the wrong. I could hear the words of a radio interview with Fabs in which she basically said that the key to satisfaction in Him is two-fold: not receiving your worth from the words of men, and seeking it from God.
Prayer: God, I’m sorry! I know I’ve said it before, and I’ve confessed this before, but I keep doing it again! Forgive me! I’m a mess! UGH!
Ok Lord, I’m done with the passionate lamenting. I’m just so sick of myself, and I want more of you defining me than this world. I want your leadership and encouragement; I want your fulfillment and peace. Please help me in this area where I constantly fail to beat sin down. Please cleanse my heart with your Holy Spirit; I need a full on submersion and scrub down. And thank you. Thank you for being patient with me. Thank you for telling me where I am sinful so that I can turn to you for help and support. Thank you for being willing to help me. Thank you.dirty

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Who, me?


I consider myself an eccentric who looks good in jeans, or an amateur at adulthood. I live in Maine, enjoy writing and photography as creative outlets, and listen to some of the worst music you've ever heard. I’m good at sin and bad at following Christ, but I’m still letting Him take the lead. Dirty is my middle name. So is Sean.
The purpose of this blog is to keep a record while I'm unearthing treasures, mapping truths, and navigating life.

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