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Dirty Sean

Category Archives: In Memoriam

National Suicide Prevention Week

08 Sunday Sep 2013

Posted by Meagan Sean in Dirty's Reports, In Memoriam

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Dirty's Report, Human Interest, Lies My Heart Tells Me

There are many logical arguments against the act of killing oneself. Sadly, the desire to kill yourself does not rest on logic. There are so many reasons that people discover in themselves, their lives, their hearts that add to the continually mounting evidence in a case brought against their existence. Often these trials are kept secret, and there are times when the accuser wins. And there are times when that leads to death.
Those who knew someone who committed suicide can find themselves not knowing what to do with themselves. They don’t know where to direct their questions to have actual answers, because the answers are often gone. The world gets flipped upside down an turned back right side up, but in the process someone went missing. Maybe they couldn’t hold on, maybe they let go to fall into the sky.
National Suicide Prevention Week (NSPW) is an annual week-long campaign in the United States to inform and engage health professionals and the general public about suicide prevention and warning signs of suicide. You can find more information here, here, and here.
I think acknowledging and supporting broken people is an incredible way to show the love of Christ. In Psalm 107 there are stories of different people who lose all hope, but in the moment they call out to God they are delivered (v.20). What better way to serve God than to deliver His word to those in despair?
As Jesus said, “go into all the world and proclaim the gospel to the whole of creation” (Mark 16:15). He gave us a job to do, because we have a battle to fight for every life. We are to defend, aid, and relay the truth:
Yes, you deserved death, but you have a savior who has given you the chance to have a new life. He loved you so much that he already died for you (John 3:16). In Him there is no condemnation, and your accuser will be silenced (Revelation 12:10).
So I encourage you to keep the word of God in your heart and to pray for those who are struggling. Pray for the families and friends of those who are already suffering from the silence of unanswered questions. Pray that the body of Christ does not fail to support the heavy hearted, and that Christ will be given the opportunity to take their burdens.dirty

Dynamic Life

31 Monday Dec 2012

Posted by Meagan Sean in Dirty's Reports, In Memoriam

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Dirty's Report, Human Interest, Personal Update, True Life

DEREKIn November my brother Jake and I got to take a drive to Logan airport.  The GPS on his phone sucks, and he didn’t listen to me when I would try to direct him, so we had to turn around a few times.  We just wanted to be at the airport before Derek landed. 

Derek and Jake had been the best kind of friends for 10+ years.  We all met in church, and they ended up going to the same private school before going to the same public high school.  Derek and his family even moved into a house around the corner from us at one point.  Derek and I had always gotten along just fine, and he knew that if there were something rebellious going on who to call.  He seemed to be a fixture in our lives not because he and Jake spent all of their time together, but because they didn’t have to.  They had ups and downs over the years but had finally found their balance by the time Derek joined the Coast Guard.

The weekend before I started Cosmetology school, the last weekend in February, I went home to visit my best friend.  We stayed at my parent’s house, and my brother was on a trip to New York with our former foreign exchange student Larissa.  On the same day that she left to go back to her life I found out that Derek was having a party that my brother was missing, because he was back for some reason I can’t remember.  My father, who was in the Coast Guard, had found out a bunch of information about where he would be going and looked up as much information on it as he could, printed it out and gave it to Derek in a Coast Guard folder.  My dad, who hardly likes anyone, loved this kid.

Luckily I had my “big girl” camera with me so I took pictures during the party and before the party dispersed I took some pictures of Derek with his friends, with my mom, and someone took a few of him with me.  Then we made a plan, Derek and I: to pick up Jake at the airport and pick him up together.  We went our separate ways to finish out our family business, which means he went and spent time with his family and I watched TV and ate something at my house.  When he showed up to our house he was exhausted.  Later, while he was visiting his family for thanksgiving, he explained to me how little he slept at home because he was trying to fit in as much with as many people as he could.  He crashed on our couch for a while, and then I woke him up and we took my dad’s truck to get Jake and Larissa.  On that drive we got to catch up, talking about the past, touching on relationships, what we were reading in the bible, how our families were doing, hobbies, what his experience in the USCG had been like thus far.  I told him I would write him and he was stoked, his love for writing letters coupled with his love for people made it a perfect parting gift.

When we got to the airport we didn’t have to wait long for Jake and Larissa, and I could tell that Jake really liked that Derek was there.  I also knew that he was really not happy about missing Derek’s party earlier in the day. 

When Jake and I were at the airport in November we were picking Derek up so that he could surprise his mother with being home for Thanksgiving.  In return, Jake decided to surprise Derek with my being there to get him at the airport.  In the 10 or so months that he had been gone we had exchanged a handful of letters (his letters absolutely destroyed, and I always got them on a day I needed some extra sunshine), and he made sure to call me every once in a while as well.  I hate talking on the phone, but I always tried to stay on the phone with him as long as possible, to really connect with him so that he wasn’t wasting his minutes, to challenge him to keep in the Word (which he did).  He would tell me about his adventures, about how life was on the boat, how hard it was to find any real believers, about what he was reading in the bible, and about where he was heading next. 

When he came across the baggage area I managed to get a video of him, heading over with his carry-on.  He came straight for me to give me a hug, but I shooed him away so I could get him and Jake on camera.  The video is short, but his smile is so big. 

I put the phone away and gave him a hug, and then we proceeded to get his luggage and to head to the car.  He told me he wanted to show me something, and pulled out from his bag a large throw blanked. 

“Isn’t it cool?  See, it’s got the Coast Guard crest and the name of my boat, USCGC Munro WHEC-724… Isn’t it neat?  Do you like it?  It’s for you!”

He tossed it to me.

“Whaaaaat? No it’s not, what?  You didn’t get this for me.”

He was all smiles. 

“Yeah I did!  Oops…”

He grabbed it back.

“Let me see that for a second…”

He ripped the price tag off.

“Ok, there you go!  Yup, it’s for you!”

They took me back to where I was living, and ended up staying to hang out for about an hour, Derek and I catching up and Jake playing with my computer.  We agreed that while I was home for thanksgiving we would hang out again, which we did.  We made cheeseburgers that were extremely delicious and he let me read some of his poetry and give him some honest opinions on it.  When he left there were hugs.  Jake spent more time with him while he was home. 

I have always hated the military.  I told Derek not to join out of selfish reasons.  I was sure that he would end up going overseas into a troubled area and getting himself shot.  I had heard too many stories; I didn’t want this boy to get into harm’s way.  I realized on his visits home that he wasn’t the same boy I had known before, that he had been growing while he was away.  He wasn’t a kid with a sunny disposition anymore; he was a man with sunshine in his soul. 

I shouldn’t have worried so much.  Derek didn’t get himself shot.  He slipped and fell off a mountain.

On December 22nd Derek went to climb Mount Barometer alone and went missing.  On December 25th Rescuers found his ice ax and skid marks 2,200 feet up the 2,450-foot mountain.  His body was discovered 1,000 feet below that point a few hours later.
It doesn’t matter how well anyone knew Derek.  If you knew him at all, you grieve losing him. 

I have been struggling with two things during the past week.  First, something I have always struggled with when people die, is how much I am allowed to grieve.  There are so many closer to his family, so many who were closer to him.  What I can say is that Derek cared for each person in his life, and that is why so many are mourning.  He loved his family, especially his little sister Mercedes.  He genuinely cared about people and what was going on in their lives, each person he knew.  He was a supremely loyal friend, and even when he couldn’t feel the love from others he was usually giving it to them anyway.  He had a heart that just ebbed and flowed with the best kind of love, the one that is seasoned with mercy and grace. 

The other thing I can’t wrap my head around is why this happened.  I keep asking God but I haven’t gotten a straight answer.  He has, though, reassured me of something.  I will never wonder about how much Derek cared for me, because he made sure to leave tangible evidence of it with me while he could.  I think that he may have been smarter than the rest of us, because he sent as many letters, experienced as many memories, and gave as many gifts as he could to make sure that the people he cared about knew without a doubt that he was intentionally holding them in his heart. 

“He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man’s heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end.  I perceived that there is nothing better for them than to be joyful and to do good as long as they live; also that everyone should eat and drink and take pleasure in all his toil—this is God’s gift to man.  I perceived that whatever God does endures forever; nothing can be added to it, nor anything taken from it. God has done it, so that people fear before him.  That which is, already has been; that which is to be, already has been; and God seeks what has been driven away.”  – Ecclesiastes 3:11-15

I don’t understand how to navigate all of this, so I am trying to as gently and as harmlessly as I can.  Most of the time I push it away, but just like the night he gave it to me, every night his blanket keeps me warm.dirty

A Good Woman

20 Friday May 2011

Posted by Meagan Sean in Human Interest, In Memoriam

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Personal Update

I haven’t updated in a while because I haven’t been writing.  It’s not what I prefer, but life has been a little bit in the way, and not always in a bad way. 
The past month or so has been full.  I’ve been learning so much about how to let God move, as opposed to planning and trying to figure things out myself.  In allowing him to guide me, by “going with the flow”, I have gained and lost friends, prayed hard and not at all, and found myself realizing the blessings of his beautiful plans in new ways.  I’ve found that I have faith in something that isn’t always pleasing in the moment, but brings joy to my heart when it’s on the verge of distress: our lives, our stories are written by the heavenly father and he has a perfect ending to each, so perfect that were I to try to write it myself it would be a mockery of his magnificent ways.
Last week a good woman died.  A friend’s mother, a wonder and inspiration to everyone that knew her.  She walked her path trusting the Lord for his plan, and I believe that through every moment of her suffering her spirit was being held close to his heart. 
This woman, who I refered to as Bad Ass even when she was at her worst, was the wife of a good man and the mother of 6 amazing boys.  Obviously I had to e-mail her (this happened almost 7 months ago) and ask her about a few things.  The responses were direct and interesting, but more than that they were helpful in their instruction and wisdom.  When she wrote about her husband and their relationship I was floored.

I was looking for a man who would encourage and challenge my faith. That would keep me on track since I knew that I wasn’t strong enough in myself to do what I knew was right. I know that may sound like a weakness, but it really isn’t. God wants us to strengthen and encourage one another and He puts us together with those who will make us into the person He wants us to be.

I have told my closest friends at times about how I will need to have a husband that will allow me to be me but know when to put my in my place.  I had no idea that these were things someone else had ever felt or considered important in their mates, and I immediately understood exactly what she was saying and that it’s true: God wants us to be with those that will help us turn into the people he wants us to be.  It makes complete sense to not be unequally yoked; one would hinder the other.
She also encouraged me to read the Bible, and I took her advice on reading with breakfast.  I still do.

I made a commitment at that time not to have breakfast if I hadn’t read my Bible. Now, some of the time that wasn’t that effective because I wasn’t a big breakfast eater anyway, but I did read my Bible. The way I figured if I had read it, God could recall any of it from my memory. If I’d never read it, He would have a more difficult time speaking to me.  It is important to do it as soon as possible in the day.

After hearing so many beautiful and funny stories of this woman at her memorial service, ranging from her youth to days before her release from the shell of her body, I felt more and more that she had completed not only her own goals for her life, but also the goals Christ had in store for her. 

You know not having any girls, I have given lots of thought to what I wish I had done. Since I dedicated my life to Christ at a Young Life Camp I’ve been yearning to become a back to the Bible kind of woman. I’m always looking for ways to become more of a Proverbs 31 woman.

I can say, with all my heart and sincerity, that she was a woman who fit into each verse of the psalm.  When planning the memorial her family had discussed what legacy she had left behind, and how her stories and her life would promote the gospel truth.  I agree, it surely will.  But I also have found such inspiration in her life and knowing her spirit that I find myself praying that this thread of her legacy, the one of a woman’s heart longing to ever be the submissive bride of God, will be seen in my life.

Strength and dignity are her clothing,
   and she laughs at the time to come.
She opens her mouth with wisdom,
   and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
She looks well to the ways of her household
   and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children rise up and call her blessed;
   her husband also, and he praises her:
“Many women have done excellently,
   but you surpass them all.”
Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,
   but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
Give her of the fruit of her hands,
   and let her works praise her in the gates.  (Psalm 31:25-31)

Baer

04 Friday Mar 2011

Posted by Meagan Sean in In Memoriam

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Personal Update

 

Our family dog Baer, may his memory be a blessing.  He was a sweet and loyal companion.  His suffering is now over and he is at rest.

“If there is a heaven, it’s certain our animals are to be there. Their lives become so interwoven with our own, it would take more than an archangel to detangle them.” – Pam Brown


Who, me?


I consider myself an eccentric who looks good in jeans, or an amateur at adulthood. I live in Maine, enjoy writing and photography as creative outlets, and listen to some of the worst music you've ever heard. I’m good at sin and bad at following Christ, but I’m still letting Him take the lead. Dirty is my middle name. So is Sean.
The purpose of this blog is to keep a record while I'm unearthing treasures, mapping truths, and navigating life.

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