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Dirty Sean

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Some Thoughts on the Glory of Single-dom

22 Sunday Mar 2015

Posted by Meagan Sean in Dirty Little..., Human Interest, Things TV Teaches Me

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Human Interest, Nugget 'O Truth

max2Being single can be like being on vacation.
For instance, you can create rules and boundaries in your life and only have to answer to yourself. Better yet, you can change or break the rules however you like. If you decide that you don’t drink on week nights but have a particularly awful day on Tuesday and want to shotgun a glass of wine as soon as you get home, you can do it and call it a freebie. The only person who has to deal with your behavior is you.
You can be utterly selfish. This even extends to relationships in certain phases, because until there’s a ring on it there’s still that room in your life to say “that’s where I do what I do and you don’t have a say in it”. You get to say no to plans because you want a pedicure. You get to dole out your time with friends like a miser or lavish attention in unexpected ways. You can put all of your time and money into your favorite hobby, be it learning how to basket weave, playing a certain game, or constructing life size clay creatures from fantasy novels. You get to have your thing that makes you happy and no one gets to take that away from you.
You can have weird rituals.  You can spend two hours perfecting your makeup.  You can wake up later and skip the shower.  If you’re a slob that keeps piles of clothes instead of a hamper you have a completely organized floor. If you can’t go to bed without having cleaned the house with everything in it’s place you can call it a perfectly normal night.
When you’re single you can do things like treat yourself to an adventure, be it driving across a few states to see a friend or taking yourself to the movies. It’s a little scary, but it’s exhilarating to experience something all by yourself. You can focus on the parts of a movie that speak to you, or the joys of a long drive that make you feel more like yourself.
One thing that I sometimes miss about being single is being able to romanticize what a relationship would be like. I think we all have done it, looking forward to that magical moment when your eyes meet across the room, the butterflies will be fluttering in your tummy as that person starts talking to you, and you find yourself swept off your feet with the initial request to spend time together. I used to imagine beautiful dates planned and sweet conversations with compliments about parts of me that I didn’t know could be seen as beautiful to another human being.
Of course, it is usually based on the romantic things I’ve seen in movies, TV shows, and heard in love songs. One of the reasons I actually love the movie “They Came Together” (which my boyfriend calls one of the worst movies he’s ever been forced to watch, right up there with the time I made him watch “Pride and Prejudice”) is that it mocks the entire romantic comedy genre in the best way ever. It gives the characters the qualities and story lines that we see in every Rom-Com, making the entire movie a mockery of what Hollywood has sugar coated and force fed us since we were in the uterus.
Now that I’m on the other side, in a relationship, I occasionally fantasize about the romantic ideas like I used to, but I don’t get too far into them. I’m happy with the Fella that I have, and dreaming about what he could be like if he changed feels wrong. I know what kind of person he is and what kind of person I am. Of course, as a woman, I want to be romanced and wooed and pursued. But it doesn’t all come about in the same ways. Our romantic moments are usually surrounded by goofy moments, loud moments, nerdy moments, serious moments, angry moments, stupid moments, stinky moments, and more. I wouldn’t trade the reality of talking with our mouths full about what the correct answer is in “Who Wants to be a Millionaire” for the daydream of what Hollywood deems romantic. dirty

Hold Your Tongue

16 Friday Jan 2015

Posted by Meagan Sean in Dirty Little...

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Dirty's Report, Human Interest, Nugget 'O Truth

tumblr_n4598kth4T1sa2ghlo1_250tumblr_n4598kth4T1sa2ghlo2_250 I’ve been thinking about what I want to accomplish this year, what goals I might have for myself. The first thought was to start working out, but I quickly put that to rest by remembering that I won’t. I have made lists before of the things I want to do for the year, all kinds of goals that are big and small and most of them never get spoken of or thought of again. But one thing is on my mind for this year, and it’s a thorn in my side I hope I don’t ignore.
The first realization I had of needing to work on this particular thing was during a conversation with my friend/coworker. She mentioned that she couldn’t get a sleeve of tattoos because at her wedding she would wear a strapless dress and her boyfriend’s family is super conservative. I was incredulous.
“I can’t imagine you marrying him when you only ever talk crap about him!”
She told me point blank that that’s what you do with your girlfriends; you talk crap about your boyfriend.
“We never talk about the good things because no one cares, it’s fun to talk about how stupid they are.”
I immediately told her a story about how adorable my boyfriend had been a few days before, to balance it out.
I then went on with work and realized that I do talk crap more often than mentioning the positive things in my relationship, and in many parts of my life. And I realized that it’s not a small issue, it’s a heart issue. What people say effects others and themselves in ways that they don’t expect, and I’m sure that what I say out loud can be detrimental to my own positive view of my relationships and my life.
I started to think about it again after a conversation with my mom about how Jesus told people how serious blasphemy is.

Therefore I tell you, every sin and blasphemy will be forgiven people, but the blasphemy against the Spirit will not be forgiven. And whoever speaks a word against the Son of Man will be forgiven, but whoever speaks against the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven, either in this age or in the age to come. (Matthew 12:31&32)

If you need to know everything about this passage and what it means exactly I highly recommend this article which explains much of the intricacies of the passage. In context, Jesus was talking to the Pharisees that were telling people that he was able to perform miracles not because of the Holy Spirit, but because he was possessed by Satan. Even in the bible, people have problems with talking crap when they should keep their mouths shut.
I started thinking about blasphemy and about how the act of insulting or showing contempt or lack of reverence for God would make him feel. The fact of the matter is that we all know what it’s like to have someone talk badly about us behind our backs. Only the blissfully ignorant miss out on the heartbreak of knowing that someone you care about has decided to say something insulting about you to someone else. But God doesn’t even have the chance to turn his back before we start saying whatever we want to about him, good or bad. The creator of the world, the omniscient and all-powerful God, he hears every evil word that comes out of our mouths.
When I was thinking about this I had a very specific memory come up that is the only way I could relate in my own small human way.
I was having dinner with a boyfriend, and we were talking about our relationship. We had been together a few months. He explained to me that if I had told him the night before that I loved him that he would have broken up with me on the spot. I asked why, and he replied,
“Because I don’t love you.”
From there, every time he did anything careless, inconsiderate, rude, selfish, or stupid I just wanted to say,
“I already know you don’t love me, you don’t have to keep trying to prove it.”
It stuck with me. It’s still stuck with me. It’s not the kind of thing that I can hear and forget. It’s not the kind of thing I could imagine saying to someone, ever, and yet it’s something I was told to my face. I don’t know if the moment will ever leave my memory or my heart, of knowing that no matter how nice he was to me, how sweet or kind or funny or committed, he still doesn’t love me.
And yet, Jesus says that every sin and blasphemy will be forgiven, even what we say against the Son of God himself. God can hear us say the worst things, worse than I don’t love you, and still has so much room for forgiveness that he will be able to listen to our intercessor (Jesus) and choose to forget what we have said, what we have done.
My goal for this year is to practice biting my tongue when it comes to talking crap and to remember that if God can choose to forget our sins that I have plenty of room in my heart, that Christ renews daily, to forgive what others might say about or towards me.
Have you discovered any particular places in your heart that God wants you to work on this year? Or have you made a list of goals, like I usually fail to complete? Did you decide on straight up resolutions? I’d love to hear your thoughts and comments!
dirty

SOAP: Idol Worshiper

25 Friday Jul 2014

Posted by Meagan Sean in Dirty Little..., SOAP

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Lies My Heart Tells Me, Nugget 'O Truth

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Scripture:

For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that people are without excuse. (Romans 1:20)

Observation: In the Amplified text instead of “being understood for what has been made” it says “clearly discernible in and through the things that have been made (His handiworks)”. Since the dawn of creation God’s character has been able to be witnessed through creation itself, through nature and weather, plants and animals, even human beings. And we have witnessed it; all of humanity together, and somehow still we find ways to put aside His glory for the sake of creation’s beauty. Sin is crafty, distorting our lens and keeping our hearts desiring earthly substitution for heavenly things.  In other words, sin helps us find ways to worship the creation, and not the creator. And idols can be any of it.
Application: So, I’m an idolater. I have idols and I turn to them for fulfillment instead of God.
How does this apply? Um, cus I don’t bother to look past creation to the presence of God and his Glory, I just see the creation. Case and point, the other day I was having a rough time and I texted someone and asked them to say something nice to me so I would feel better. Even as I was doing it, I knew I was in the wrong. I could hear the words of a radio interview with Fabs in which she basically said that the key to satisfaction in Him is two-fold: not receiving your worth from the words of men, and seeking it from God.
Prayer: God, I’m sorry! I know I’ve said it before, and I’ve confessed this before, but I keep doing it again! Forgive me! I’m a mess! UGH!
Ok Lord, I’m done with the passionate lamenting. I’m just so sick of myself, and I want more of you defining me than this world. I want your leadership and encouragement; I want your fulfillment and peace. Please help me in this area where I constantly fail to beat sin down. Please cleanse my heart with your Holy Spirit; I need a full on submersion and scrub down. And thank you. Thank you for being patient with me. Thank you for telling me where I am sinful so that I can turn to you for help and support. Thank you for being willing to help me. Thank you.dirty

No Originality.

23 Monday Jun 2014

Posted by Meagan Sean in Dirty Little..., Dirty's Reports

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My Philosophy

I used to think that our culture was what perpetuated the idea that if we do the same things as someone we will feel closer to them. I thought that it was just America being stupid and failing to understand that marketing is mind control. Of course, it controls my mind so I don’t know why I was such a jerk about it. But I started thinking about the times that we decide to copy other people and why.
I met a girl who got a tattoo on her finger that is just like the one Rihanna has, because Rihanna has it. Every fashion forward girl has started growing out her eyebrows because of Cara Delevingne breaking the mold and being called beautiful. Personally I will literally look up products that celebrities use and purchase them because I am delusional and I think they make me cooler.
Then there are things like the fact that I cook the way that I do because I’ve been copying my mother for years. I make Manhattans the way that I do because it’s the way my dad makes them. I decided to change the way that I invest in people because of the way that I saw Derek invest in people. I started to change the kind of conversations I had with my female friends after having a close relationship with Tink because the way that she steered what we would talk about was edifying and encouraging, and I want to be able to be that kind of friend to others. I could go on and on and on.
But what’s the point? And why is this something that I feel the need to do, trying to be like other people?
When I think about why I copy other people I find that I am desiring to either feel closer to them or be them. I don’t cut corners people, when I look at how I choose to repeat behaviors and actions that I saw someone else do I realize that I feel like I could be them, or like they are with me. Is that weird? Or, is it the way I was made? What if there is something in me that needs to do what someone else does in order to feel a connection with them? Does that make me damaged?
I don’t think so.

For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps.  (1 Peter 2:21)

It sounds like maybe Christ knew that I like to copy other people.

…to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness. (Ephesians 4:22-24)

It sounds like this guy is telling me to stop being quite so much like myself and to start acting more like someone else.

Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. (Ephesians 5:1&2)

That sounds like an explicit command from someone smarter than me that is telling me to become more like Christ. I see a trend. I wonder, since God created me and knew even all the way back “in the beginning” that I would be born into sin and would never be able to be perfect on my own… Maybe He really did make me this way? Maybe He knew that I was born to be a copycat and was faithful to make it into a tool in my relationship with Him. Maybe God even designed me to be this way on purpose, so that I would find it easier to follow Christ because all I have to do is whatever he does to feel closer to Him, which in turn God sees as me being more like Him.

Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. (Matthew 11:29)

Whatever the case, I feel pretty comfortable following that command. dirty

On Patience (of which I have none)

12 Monday May 2014

Posted by Meagan Sean in Dirty Little..., Dirty's Reports

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Nugget 'O Truth

testing
One of the most important things I’ve ever learned is how to pray for patience. Here’s my advice: Don’t.
Patience is the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset, and it is not always my forte. I don’t like to tolerate or accept things that I know are stupid and unnecessary. I try to get them to stop and then I become angry, and then things go south pretty quickly.
The issue with praying for patience is that God likes to grant prayers. That’s not usually a bad thing, but what people don’t realize is that He will answer by giving you so many opportunities to use the patience He’s giving you that you might go crazy. It’s like working out, you have to start building up the muscle and chipping away at the fat by challenging yourself at the gym. So God let’s your patience muscle get challenged all the time so that you can develop it.

Whoever is patient has great understanding,
but one who is quick-tempered displays folly.
(Proverbs 14:29)

We should be praying for patience, even though I’m telling you not to. It’s a fruit of the spirit, which Christians are supposed to have, and it leads to “great understanding”, as stated above. Even more enlightening, being quick-tempered basically turns you into an idiot. If you think I’m wrong, check out the next person with road rage you’re stuck in traffic with. They look and sound stupid.
I’ve had many experiences when my patience has been tested, and I am glad that God has been able to pull me through some of them without letting me look like too much of a fool. Of course, that being said, plenty of times I looked a damn fool. Sometimes I feel that impatience is a selfish thing, and when I check myself before I wreck myself I find that my reasoning behind impatience are prideful to the max. Other times I find my reasons that I can feel are justified to be rooted in anxiety and fear. But when I try to check my heart and feelings of pride and insecurity at the door so that God can develop this patience muscle, I discover a different perspective. When I’m running late I remember that God’s timing is perfect, and above my understanding. When I want to cut someone apart with a knife or words but instead give it to God I find myself being filled with more love for that person. And when I find myself trying to speed bake a pizza instead of preheating the oven correctly, I find the crust isn’t crispy enough.
Can you relate? What are some experiences you’ve had with patience, or lack there of?
dirty

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Who, me?


I consider myself an eccentric who looks good in jeans, or an amateur at adulthood. I live in Maine, enjoy writing and photography as creative outlets, and listen to some of the worst music you've ever heard. I’m good at sin and bad at following Christ, but I’m still letting Him take the lead. Dirty is my middle name. So is Sean.
The purpose of this blog is to keep a record while I'm unearthing treasures, mapping truths, and navigating life.

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