Hold Your Tongue

16 Friday Jan 2015

Posted by Meagan Sean in Dirty Little...

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Dirty's Report, Human Interest, Nugget 'O Truth

I’ve been thinking about what I want to accomplish this year, what goals I might have for myself. The first thought was to start working out, but I quickly put that to rest by remembering that I won’t. I have made lists before of the things I want to do for the year, all kinds of goals that are big and small and most of them never get spoken of or thought of again. But one thing is on my mind for this year, and it’s a thorn in my side I hope I don’t ignore.
The first realization I had of needing to work on this particular thing was during a conversation with my friend/coworker. She mentioned that she couldn’t get a sleeve of tattoos because at her wedding she would wear a strapless dress and her boyfriend’s family is super conservative. I was incredulous.
“I can’t imagine you marrying him when you only ever talk crap about him!”
She told me point blank that that’s what you do with your girlfriends; you talk crap about your boyfriend.
“We never talk about the good things because no one cares, it’s fun to talk about how stupid they are.”
I immediately told her a story about how adorable my boyfriend had been a few days before, to balance it out.
I then went on with work and realized that I do talk crap more often than mentioning the positive things in my relationship, and in many parts of my life. And I realized that it’s not a small issue, it’s a heart issue. What people say effects others and themselves in ways that they don’t expect, and I’m sure that what I say out loud can be detrimental to my own positive view of my relationships and my life.
I started to think about it again after a conversation with my mom about how Jesus told people how serious blasphemy is.

Therefore I tell you, every sin and blasphemy will be forgiven people, but the blasphemy against the Spirit will not be forgiven. And whoever speaks a word against the Son of Man will be forgiven, but whoever speaks against the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven, either in this age or in the age to come. (Matthew 12:31&32)

If you need to know everything about this passage and what it means exactly I highly recommend this article which explains much of the intricacies of the passage. In context, Jesus was talking to the Pharisees that were telling people that he was able to perform miracles not because of the Holy Spirit, but because he was possessed by Satan. Even in the bible, people have problems with talking crap when they should keep their mouths shut.
I started thinking about blasphemy and about how the act of insulting or showing contempt or lack of reverence for God would make him feel. The fact of the matter is that we all know what it’s like to have someone talk badly about us behind our backs. Only the blissfully ignorant miss out on the heartbreak of knowing that someone you care about has decided to say something insulting about you to someone else. But God doesn’t even have the chance to turn his back before we start saying whatever we want to about him, good or bad. The creator of the world, the omniscient and all-powerful God, he hears every evil word that comes out of our mouths.
When I was thinking about this I had a very specific memory come up that is the only way I could relate in my own small human way.
I was having dinner with a boyfriend, and we were talking about our relationship. We had been together a few months. He explained to me that if I had told him the night before that I loved him that he would have broken up with me on the spot. I asked why, and he replied,
“Because I don’t love you.”
From there, every time he did anything careless, inconsiderate, rude, selfish, or stupid I just wanted to say,
“I already know you don’t love me, you don’t have to keep trying to prove it.”
It stuck with me. It’s still stuck with me. It’s not the kind of thing that I can hear and forget. It’s not the kind of thing I could imagine saying to someone, ever, and yet it’s something I was told to my face. I don’t know if the moment will ever leave my memory or my heart, of knowing that no matter how nice he was to me, how sweet or kind or funny or committed, he still doesn’t love me.
And yet, Jesus says that every sin and blasphemy will be forgiven, even what we say against the Son of God himself. God can hear us say the worst things, worse than I don’t love you, and still has so much room for forgiveness that he will be able to listen to our intercessor (Jesus) and choose to forget what we have said, what we have done.
My goal for this year is to practice biting my tongue when it comes to talking crap and to remember that if God can choose to forget our sins that I have plenty of room in my heart, that Christ renews daily, to forgive what others might say about or towards me.
Have you discovered any particular places in your heart that God wants you to work on this year? Or have you made a list of goals, like I usually fail to complete? Did you decide on straight up resolutions? I’d love to hear your thoughts and comments!

Hard Things.

14 Friday Nov 2014

Posted by Meagan Sean in Dirty's Reports

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Dirty's Report, Human Interest, inappropriate, My Philosophy

I worked ten days in a row in the past two weeks. Would you like to know what I like about working ten days in a row? None of it.
Working that many days, no matter what the shift length, straight through is something that I call a hard thing to do. Another is to blog all the time when you’re working like a crazy person and attempting to remember what kids do on their weekends off.
It was a hard thing for me to overcome my fear of driving. I had to pray a lot about that, but eventually my hands stopped shaking when I would get out of the car. In fact, I now enjoy driving by myself with the system cranked so I can belt out my favorite teen pop songs from ten years ago. It even can relax me! What a turn this has all taken!
It’s also a hard thing for me to remember the rules of the road, also to not consider driving just a real life video game. I have to remind myself it’s not Mario Kart on a regular basis.
It’s a hard thing to have relationships. From friendships to family to significant others, it’s really hard to wake up every day and decided that you want to shower people with love when there are so many reasons not to. For instance, that person is behaving like a spoiled brat. Or, I don’t really feel like making that phone call right now cus I just got out of work and I’m tired. Or, I don’t want to spend my time with you right now because I want to be alone watching Gilmore Girls on Netflix. Or, I can’t figure out how to give you what you want so I’m going to ignore you until you pester me so much that we end up fighting. So many good reasons to just let relationships fail, but then I’d miss the wonderful benefits of having my good friends available for advice and laughter. I’d miss being able to be a part of a family that is messy and loud and loves each other hard. I’d even miss being able to put my heart on the line in a relationship that will require teamwork and dedication to fighting for each other.
It’s a hard thing to know people who have died. Remembering them is the quickest way to pull clouds over the sun. It’s a hard thing to live a life that celebrates who they were and what you have when you don’t feel like celebrating. Death impacts people in very distinct ways. It can make you wonder what the point is of continuing life, because to be honest when you lose someone just living day to day can be a hard thing to do.
Living through terrible illness can be the biggest hard things to do that ever was. I haven’t been through this kind of suffering, and I would never claim to understand the pain that it brings an individual. But where the media has recently been covering the topic because of one individual’s decision regarding her illness, I do have my own opinions on it.
Brittany Maynard made headlines because after being diagnosed with a highly malignant and aggressive form of brain tumor that would eventually kill her she decided to end her own life under Oregon’s so-called Death with Dignity law. I see mixed reviews on my Facebook feed, some of my friends are applauding her and some of my friends are… not.
One thing I’d like to make clear is that no matter what my opinion or your opinion is, it’s strictly that: an opinion. In the same way that I can offer my opinion on Kim Kardashian’s new magazine cover; it really won’t change what has already happened. Our opinions might give people a chance to think a little differently, to have the world open up a little more than it was before, but that is it.
I do not see myself ever supporting an act that allows someone to take his or her own life. I have had friends who have attempted to take their own lives out of mental anguish and even a friend who succeeded. In their minds the suffering that they were going through was so great that they decided to end the pain. Their hard things to do became too hard for them. I have also known strong and brave people who have gone through illnesses that tortured them to the core of their being until they died.
I think the reason I’m not into the death with dignity thing is because dignity isn’t something I deserve when I see myself in the light of certain truths. Whatever dignity I have won’t be credited to me, especially since if you know me you know I don’t have much of it at all. It will be all on the man who died on a cross in the most undignified manner that his people could think of, just to rise up again to receive more honor and glory than any person on earth could possibly dream of.
There are hard things to do in this world. We can hope that going through hard things can make us stronger and wiser than before, but that’s not always the case. Sometimes it makes us selfish and bitter, without as much space in our hearts as we once had. What I desire, when it comes to my life, is that the hard things will point me back to Christ, who went through the hardest things for no reason other than His intense love for us. My hope, dignity, and strength that gets me through the hard things, it’s all in Him.

There was blood, everywhere…

19 Friday Sep 2014

Posted by Meagan Sean in Dirty's Reports

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adventure, Dirty's Report

You know those people who go and do stuff for charity for fun? I’m not one of them. I can’t be bothered to go out and walk around a track so that you can make 15$ off my aching legs and poor attitude. Actually, it usually comes down to me being too poor to give any money. Also, I’m lazy. Hello, I’m american! We like to watch other people do these things! Like the ice bucket challenge, which apparently has helped raise money for ALS, that I’m 75% sure a lot of my friends didn’t actually donate towards. They just did the ice bucket thing and then challenged other people, cus it was what people were doing. It was fun and cold and summer, you guys!
But, I digress.
On Monday this Fella I wanted to hang out with told me he was going to go give blood to the Red Cross on Tuesday morning. I had two questions, the first being “Well, when are we gonna hang out?” and the second, which I thought of a little while later, “Can I come?”
I have never given blood because when I tried in high school I had low iron, so I just assumed I would let sleeping dogs lie. Or, in more accurate terms, I was too lazy to try again. This fellow, on the other hand, apparently gives pretty regularly both blood and platelets. So I thought to myself, “I could be a good person too!” and I made the plan to do it.

Kate is the one with the tongue. I’m the one doing the big arms thing. Don’t be intimidated by our dazzling beauty.

Then I remembered this friend of mine, Kate, who is really more like a sister, who has had the diagnosis of autoimmune hemolytic anemia since before I met her a few years ago. Kate, who has posted on facebook about how much she appreciates people who give blood and platelets because she is one of the people who has to get transfusions. Kate, who has medical bills so big that she had to start a GoFundMe because her family has been financially run dry for the time being. I remembered Kate, and how much I miss her, and how she would appreciate the little gift of a pint of blood. I think that’s how I become able to give, by remembering the people who I know that are in need.

Two older men were checking us in. I thought they were hilarious because they didn’t know how to use their computers, so I helped them out. They reminded me of my dad, because he always has me help him with computer stuff. Because we were walk ins we had to wait and see if appointments didn’t show up, so we hung out for 15 to 30 minutes before we both got numbers.
When my number was called I went with the technician and answered questions about never having had AIDS or HIV, never having left the country, not having had a blood transfusion from the United Kingdom or France, etc. She checked my blood pressure and iron, which was doing rather nicely compared to high school, and then set me up with another technician to get my blood draining.

I’m not ashamed, I totes played on my phone and took selfies while I was waiting to get hooked up. The Fella was already hooked up, playing on his phone, and was eating pizza by the time I got punctured. After he went and sat down this older man came over to me.

In a rather thick New England accent he announced, “Your boyfriend says to hurry up! You’re taking too long!”
“I just got started!” I replied, laughing at his sass.
“I’m joking with yah, he came over and I told him he cant leave for 15 minutes and he said ‘oh, I’ll be here for a while, I’m waiting for her!’ and he pointed over here so I came over to give you a hard time.”
“Well that’s fine, he’ll be OK.”

At this point I was taking a selfie with my phone, because, yolo, at which time Carmine (that was his name) proclaimed, “That’s called a Selfie!”
I said yes, yes it is. Then Carmine offered to take a picture for me, but I declined and thanked him for the offer.

When I was all unplugged by the very nice technician that was willing to discuss the absurdity of Paris Hilton with me I went over and had a piece of pizza with the Fella and drank some water. Afterwards we went to a Chinese place and I ate part of my meal, I was so very tired at that point! The rest of the day was spent taking a nap and watching Doctor Who.
I guess, if you want a life lesson out of this, what I would tell you when it comes to giving is twofold. First, give from the heart. Find a reason that you want to give and you will be more likely to actually do it. Don’t think about feeling good about yourself, because it doesn’t matter how you feel about yourself. What matters is whether or not you’re helping someone. Second, give what you can. Whether it’s money, clothes, food, blood, volunteer support, there is always a need to be filled. I’m hoping to find more ways I can give with what little I have, and I hope you will too.

Zoom Zoom.

19 Saturday Jul 2014

Posted by Meagan Sean in Dirty's Reports, Human Interest

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complaining, Dirty's Report, Personal Update, True Life

Another year has come and gone, another birthday has been spent thinking about all of the things I haven’t accomplished in my life, and another season has hit with the tenacity of this humid Maine summer.

I’m not really a control freak. I’m actually the worst with control. I know this because I don’t have it so I don’t bother trying to control things. I don’t clean my room very often. I don’t get upset if people don’t do things my way. I don’t even drive.

Driving a car is to me the scariest thing in the entire universe, second only to bees. Anxiety reigns when I get behind the wheel. My heart rate elevates, my hands start shaking, and I start to hyper focus. What other people can do like it’s no big deal at all I find terrifying and paralyzing. I don’t understand people who think they are safe having control over a vehicle that could easily get smashed to pieces by another bigger vehicle. I don’t like having the responsibility of life and death in my hands. Is that a little dramatic? Do I care? If you find a bee in the house, set it on fire. The house. With the bee inside.

But I promised my parents, those people who are trying to help me be a grown up, at the beginning of the year that I would work towards getting my license. Since January I have been studiously avoiding the driver’s manual and making sure that I am only in the passenger’s seat of the car. Every now and then I had lapses in concentration and read the book, or mom would annoy the crap out of me and quiz me. Surprisingly I become a comedian when people quiz me about car stuff. Like, I’m really funny you guys. You’d have to be there but trust me on this: I’m hilarious.

The day after my birthday I woke up at 7 and mom drove me to the DMV so that I could take the test to get my permit. The proctor wished me a late happy birthday. The security guy behind him asked if he was too late to spank me. I gave them a look. The first guy said I wasn’t down for that. I said no I was not.

After the eye exam I sat down at the computer with my name on the screen and started the test. The night before I had planned on studying but instead I drank tequila and talked to a friend on the phone for over an hour. I also didn’t even get out of work until 9:50 pm or so. But I relied on my extensive test taking skills that I acquired from years of schooling, and I strategically answered as many questions as I could without going over the limit of wrong answers and skipped a few that I didn’t know to answer questions I did know. Ultimately I was one of the first people finished and I got a modest 80.

So now I have to drive.

It’s not like there’s a set amount of hours, the proctor said that I could send in to take the test when I feel ready. So I have 5 months to start attempting to drive like a sane human person so that I can send in for said license test.

But I don’t like it! And it’s so hard! And it scares me so much you guys! I’d rather be covered in bees while trying to eat honey, which apparently some dude did.

In trying to power through the anxiety wall I am finding myself facing more anxiety behind the wheel. How can people do anything while driving? I can barely work the radio, which really pisses me off because I need some tunes always. I forget that I have mirrors, so I just pray there’s no one on the road before I leave the driveway. I’m not entirely understanding of the amount of space that the car takes up on the road from the driver’s seat. I drive under the speed limit a lot.

But I’m trying.

I know that God wants me to do it because He made me my parent’s daughter and they are quite fervent in their belief that I need to drive. I know that He wants me to do it because He doesn’t like that I live afraid of something. I know He wants me to put on my big girl panties and deal with driving because what everyone has told me is true, I will be able to have freedom. But I don’t think it’s just the ability to go where I want to that will be this freedom, I think it will be God giving me a chance to work through this fear. I’m afraid of the things I can’t control outside the car and of being unable to control it correctly myself. If I were in the bible I would be a lazy disciple, definitely. No wonder God is giving me another challenge.

What I want to do is one of the most difficult things in the universe. I want to rely not on myself but on the truth of who Christ is. I know that if I can remember to focus on this whole driving thing as a spiritual exercise I’ll rely on Christ instead of my own ability, which is always the most comforting thing I can think of when facing stress and anxiety. When I try to take control, lose control, whatever; the truth of the situation is that I have a savior who is waiting for me in the eye of the storm. I’m not getting swept away like Dorothy to Oz, and I’m not going to hide in the storm cellar either. I’m going to try to meet Him in the middle of the terrifying.

Thoughts on Demi Lovato

24 Thursday Apr 2014

Posted by Meagan Sean in Dirty's Reports, Human Interest

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celeb, Dirty's Report, Human Interest, Other People's Work

It’s rare for a teen idol to be a role model. It’s especially rare for a teen idol to be a role model for an extended period of time. We have Lindsay Lohan in and out of rehab, and claiming to have miscarriages. Rihanna looked pretty good there for a little while but then she got beaten up by her boyfriend and decided to give her image an overhaul, including whips and chains. Miley Cyrus started out as a wholesome girl from the south, then did a 180 and decided to become a hypocritical hip-hop princess, smoking massive amounts of weed and telling the world about how Molly (MDMA) is a super fun social drug. Can I get a “Yuck”?
Basically I’m pretty unimpressed with most of the women who are in role model positions these days. I don’t think young girls need to be absorbing positive messages about drinking, having a bajillion boyfriends, divorce, drugs, or whatever the new trendy diet is. There are so many influential celebrities out there who seem to be using their platforms to market a lifestyle that isn’t appropriate.
Thankfully there are celebrities that have proven their worth by being honest with their fans about what kind of life fame has built for them. Demi Lovato has told her fans and the world as much as she can about her struggles since going to rehab in 2010 for substance abuse, eating disorders, and self-harm. In a time when a lot of celebrities keep their insecurities and character flaws to themselves, Lovato has been humble and open about her issues in order to give her fan base a stronger, healthier role model.

While it’s easy to feel disconnected from a superstar, I’ve found Lovato to be one of the few that I feel I can trust. Having battled myself with self-harm in the past I find myself able to relate to her, and hearing her say in interviews that making the right decisions is difficult, and that mental and emotional health is something to strive toward every day doesn’t sound to me like a phony, preachy celebrity. Lovato sounds like the girl I would want as my sponsor if I were fresh out of a rehab center. We would be able to have some real talk, she would obviously be excellent at sportively reminding me to check myself before I wreck myself, and then we’d eat lunch and talk about boys and fashion and her crazy tour schedule… I’d even let her help me pick out a new tattoo. Okay, basically I’d totally be her BFF if I had the chance.
The fact is, I know for a fact that she’s cool. My second cousin, Maggi, (AKA the most adorable girl in the world) got the chance to quickly meet Lovato at LAX, right after these photos were taken, and she has kindly let me share her story here about what it was like to meet one of her role models.

“I really like Demi. I’ve liked her since she was on Sonny with a Chance. I think she is an amazing person for being able to admit her struggles and being so open about them. She is a great role model. I used to self-harm, and it was amazing to be able to look up to her and see that even a celebrity wasn’t happy with herself but was able to get help. I love how she says what she thinks and sticks up for herself. I also love how although she had an eating disorder, she is recovered and now curvier than some other female celebrities and accepts her curves.
I was at LAX for a flight home, and she was catching a flight to Brazil. She and I were at security at the same time. She was actually being patted down! I wasn’t 100% sure it was her, but I saw her “Stay Strong” tattoos on her wrists and I knew it was her. When I went up to ask her for a picture, her bodyguard or whatever he was shook his head at me and said “no, not today.” I turned to Demi and said “I’m really sorry, I don’t mean to be annoying but I was wondering if I could get a picture with you.”
She made a face at him, came over to me, and said “he’s got a stick up his ass. Don’t worry about it.” I only got one picture because of how hard I was shaking, but she put up bunny ears behind my head that I didn’t get in the picture. She smiled at me and as she was walking away she turned around and said, “It was nice meeting you!” She was really sweet! I kept freaking out because she has been such a role model to me with her self-harm. I wish I had gotten the chance to tell her that or ask her for a hug, but by the time I got my brain together she was already gone.”

See what I mean? I would totally BFF her. And here for your viewing pleasure, the adorable Maggi and Demi Lovato.

Dirty Sean

~ Unearthing Treasures, Mapping Truths, Navigating Life

Tag Archives: Dirty’s Report

Hold Your Tongue

Hard Things.

There was blood, everywhere…

Zoom Zoom.

Thoughts on Demi Lovato