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Dirty Sean

~ Unearthing Treasures, Mapping Truths, Navigating Life

Dirty Sean

Tag Archives: Personal Update

Zoom Zoom.

19 Saturday Jul 2014

Posted by Meagan Sean in Dirty's Reports, Human Interest

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Tags

complaining, Dirty's Report, Personal Update, True Life

anigif_enhanced-buzz-9161-1389048860-22Another year has come and gone, another birthday has been spent thinking about all of the things I haven’t accomplished in my life, and another season has hit with the tenacity of this humid Maine summer.

I’m not really a control freak.  I’m actually the worst with control.  I know this because I don’t have it so I don’t bother trying to control things.  I don’t clean my room very often.  I don’t get upset if people don’t do things my way.  I don’t even drive. 

Driving a car is to me the scariest thing in the entire universe, second only to bees.  Anxiety reigns when I get behind the wheel.  My heart rate elevates, my hands start shaking, and I start to hyper focus.  What other people can do like it’s no big deal at all I find terrifying and paralyzing.  I don’t understand people who think they are safe having control over a vehicle that could easily get smashed to pieces by another bigger vehicle.  I don’t like having the responsibility of life and death in my hands.  Is that a little dramatic?  Do I care?  If you find a bee in the house, set it on fire.  The house.  With the bee inside.

But I promised my parents, those people who are trying to help me be a grown up, at the beginning of the year that I would work towards getting my license.  Since January I have been studiously avoiding the driver’s manual and making sure that I am only in the passenger’s seat of the car.  Every now and then I had lapses in concentration and read the book, or mom would annoy the crap out of me and quiz me.  Surprisingly I become a comedian when people quiz me about car stuff.  Like, I’m really funny you guys.  You’d have to be there but trust me on this: I’m hilarious.

The day after my birthday I woke up at 7 and mom drove me to the DMV so that I could take the test to get my permit.  The proctor wished me a late happy birthday.  The security guy behind him asked if he was too late to spank me.  I gave them a look.  The first guy said I wasn’t down for that.  I said no I was not.

After the eye exam I sat down at the computer with my name on the screen and started the test.  The night before I had planned on studying but instead I drank tequila and talked to a friend on the phone for over an hour.  I also didn’t even get out of work until 9:50 pm or so.  But I relied on my extensive test taking skills that I acquired from years of schooling, and I strategically answered as many questions as I could without going over the limit of wrong answers and skipped a few that I didn’t know to answer questions I did know.  Ultimately I was one of the first people finished and I got a modest 80. 

So now I have to drive. 

It’s not like there’s a set amount of hours, the proctor said that I could send in to take the test when I feel ready.  So I have 5 months to start attempting to drive like a sane human person so that I can send in for said license test. 

But I don’t like it!  And it’s so hard!  And it scares me so much you guys!  I’d rather be covered in bees while trying to eat honey, which apparently some dude did.  

In trying to power through the anxiety wall I am finding myself facing more anxiety behind the wheel.  How can people do anything while driving?  I can barely work the radio, which really pisses me off because I need some tunes always.  I forget that I have mirrors, so I just pray there’s no one on the road before I leave the driveway.  I’m not entirely understanding of the amount of space that the car takes up on the road from the driver’s seat.  I drive under the speed limit a lot.

But I’m trying. 

I know that God wants me to do it because He made me my parent’s daughter and they are quite fervent in their belief that I need to drive.  I know that He wants me to do it because He doesn’t like that I live afraid of something.  I know He wants me to put on my big girl panties and deal with driving because what everyone has told me is true, I will be able to have freedom.  But I don’t think it’s just the ability to go where I want to that will be this freedom, I think it will be God giving me a chance to work through this fear.  I’m afraid of the things I can’t control outside the car and of being unable to control it correctly myself.  If I were in the bible I would be a lazy disciple, definitely.  No wonder God is giving me another challenge. 

What I want to do is one of the most difficult things in the universe.  I want to rely not on myself but on the truth of who Christ is.  I know that if I can remember to focus on this whole driving thing as a spiritual exercise I’ll rely on Christ instead of my own ability, which is always the most comforting thing I can think of when facing stress and anxiety.  When I try to take control, lose control, whatever; the truth of the situation is that I have a savior who is waiting for me in the eye of the storm.  I’m not getting swept away like Dorothy to Oz, and I’m not going to hide in the storm cellar either.  I’m going to try to meet Him in the middle of the terrifying.  dirty

Happy Birthday To My Mom

16 Monday Jun 2014

Posted by Meagan Sean in Human Interest

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adventure, Human Interest, Personal Update, Random

DSC_0061DSC_0063Since it’s mom’s birthday today I thought it would be a good time to share some really cool pictures from our sightseeing in Texas. We got to take the train to Reunion Tower in Dallas, which was completely rad.DSC_0078The view was incredible, and we got to have lunch at their Cloud Nine Cafe, which was super yum. Apparently all the items on the menu were designed by chef Wolfgang Puck, and there is another restaurant that is fancier called Five Sixty that requires things like making reservations and a dress code. You can get more information about the tower here. DSC_0101Being in a hotel room with my mother for 6 days could have been the worst, but I am so thankful that it wasn’t. I think God really wanted us to have a little vacation, because that’s what it felt like. We even worked out together in the tiny little hotel gym, which was pretty hilarious. The past few years have definitely been rough at times, but there has also been some positive growth, especially when it comes to the relationships in our family. I’m very happy to have my mom, I would never want another woman to take her place. DSC_0076
momandme
dirty

Dirty Dozen: Birthday Wishlist

05 Thursday Jun 2014

Posted by Meagan Sean in Dirty Dozen

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Personal Update, Random

Yes, it’s a little early, but I post what I post dude. And I don’t really expect to get anything off this wishlist, so don’t stress at my expensive taste.

  1. Professional Haircut and Color – Because my hair is dead and a thousand colors and making me crazy.  Ultimately I would like it to look more like Kiki’s.kiki1kiki2
  2. A New Tattoo – Of what?  I don’t know.  But I’ve been getting inspired by these, these, and these.
  3. Blogacademy Home school – I’ve been following these ladies and their work for years and would love the chance to go to one of their workshops, but I can’t afford it.  Thankfully they have developed a way for me to do it at home and I want to so badly!
  4. Trish McEvoy Makeup Planner – “Trish McEvoy’s patented Makeup Planner® is the one-and-only portable makeup vanity. A fully customizable cosmetics organizer, it will put an end to makeup disorder at home and on-the-go. Designed to hold Trish’s environmentally friendly refillable Makeup Wardrobing® Pages, each magnetic, mirrored page can be custom-filled with any combination of Trish eye and face color, keeping all your makeup in one place and visible at a glance. Adjacent brush sleeves and a large back pocket are instantly accessible while the removable pouch is perfect for beauty miscellany, and an all-around zipper makes it portable at a moment’s notice.”  *I might just be obsessed with anything shaped like a planner.makeupplanner
  5. Adobe Photoshop – Let’s face it, it’s the boss and necessary for all blogging but I don’t have it.
  6. Kevyn Aucoin Sculpting Powder – It’s apparently the best of the best, perfect for all of the contouring all of the time.ka
  7. Lana Del Rey Ultraviolence Box Set – I’m a huge fan.  And in my attempts to clean my room and narrow down possessions that I use for decoration I would rather have a super flipping sweet and unnecessary box set to look at than the thousands of knickknacks I am trying to get rid of.  Also, I really really want it!lana
  8. They’re Real! Push Up Liner – I don’t know if it’s available yet, but the reviews are making it sound like the best thing since Netflix so I think I need it. Um, I ordered it for myself during a preview sale. So. It’s off the list.theyrreal
  9. New Bedding – I’ll take any of these, which can be found here, here, here, and here.bedding1bedding2bedding3bedding4
  10. Seeing Stars Lenon Sweater by Wildfox – In case you didn’t know this is THE sweater to have.len
  11. X-men Trilogy on DVD – Um, yeah, the third movie was stupid.  But I love what I love, and this is one of my all time favorite trilogies.  And let’s face it, I don’t care if a movie is good, only if I love it.
  12. To Enjoy Myself – Who knows what I’ll be doing for my birthday, but I would really like it to be something that makes me happy with good company.

dirty

On Brain Blockage

03 Monday Mar 2014

Posted by Meagan Sean in Human Interest

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complaining, my work, Personal Update

thingsThe worst part about being stuck is that usually there’s a way out and no drive to put it into motion.
Right now the thing closest to getting me out of a rut is the anger that I develop when certain persons ask me pointed questions about my life. I always want to turn it back on them, and to make them feel as badly as I do. But that’s not kind, and I don’t. I just tell them to back off, shut up, stop asking me the same questions as yesterday when they know damn well what I did with my day today.
There is nothing so exhausting as having nothing to do, or having things to do but no reason to do them. Winter feels like the perfect time for hibernation, although so does summer because I burn so badly in the sun. It makes me want to go back to school somehow just to have some sort of structure or deadline. I make the worst accountability partner for myself, and have no desire to get someone else to be one.
So I sit around, watching Netflix and crocheting a baby blanket, sleeping in too much and going to bed too late, getting angry at unstructured days and trying to figure out what projects I can actually get myself to take part in. I get overwhelmed just talking to someone who does things with their days. I sit down to write and draw a blank, or start typing and realize I just wrote absolutely nothing of importance. I ignore the bible on my bedside table and pretend it’s ok that I don’t talk to God very often. I make plans in my head about changing the way I do things and then sleep in again, stay in my pajamas till noon, don’t bother showering because I’m not going anywhere. It’s the ultimate staycation that really needs to end.
What fail to help are the articles about inspiration and getting rid of writer’s block. Especially when you’ve read every single one you have come across and now are over loaded with information instead of inspired. There are so many useful blogs out there and yet with each blog post about something that should be helping you there’s no real reason to follow someone else’s formula for success, because success will look different on each person.
So buckle down. Quit messing around. Start playing to win. Risk. Be tired if it means being up early. Go to bed late if you feel like writing instead of sleeping. Start projects and finish them. Enjoy your almost clean room and use it to create something worth sharing.
dirty

Blogacademy Gift Bag

25 Saturday Jan 2014

Posted by Meagan Sean in Dirty Little..., Dirty's Reports, Human Interest, Style

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Tags

Memo, Personal Update, style

DSC_0290Last month I decided to take a chance and enter this contest. I never win things, so I wasn’t expecting a single thing. But slap me thrice and hand me to me mum! I won!
The Blogacademy is literally an example of how to take something you are passionate about and give other people the ability to follow their passions as well. If I had the money I’d go to one of their workshops in a heartbeat, but at the moment that’ll have to wait. Luckily they were kind enough to send me a goody bag! Because I’m a winner!
DSC_0293It was packed with the coolest stuff. A handbag from Iron Fist, pouches from Basik855, sparkly nail-polish from Lex Cosmetics, jewellery from Moorea Seal, glittery shoe clips from Head Full of Feathers, glitter hair bows by MARGRAVINE x Sewmaryann, greeting cards by Mr. Yen, scarves from The Pink Samurai and glitter ears from Crown and Glory.
DSC_0295DSC_0305These ears are pretty much my favorite things in the entire world.
DSC_0298DSC_0308Look at all the glitter bows! It’s like they knew me personally!
DSC_0312DSC_0306This infinity scarf has been on me since I opened the package. It’s seriously warm and snugly.
DSC_0303DSC_0297I’m super looking forward to trying the nail polish. Best start to the new year EVER!
dirty

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Who, me?


I consider myself an eccentric who looks good in jeans, or an amateur at adulthood. I live in Maine, enjoy writing and photography as creative outlets, and listen to some of the worst music you've ever heard. I’m good at sin and bad at following Christ, but I’m still letting Him take the lead. Dirty is my middle name. So is Sean.
The purpose of this blog is to keep a record while I'm unearthing treasures, mapping truths, and navigating life.

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