Tag Archives: complaining

Zoom Zoom.

19 Saturday Jul 2014

Posted by in Dirty's Reports, Human Interest

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anigif_enhanced-buzz-9161-1389048860-22Another year has come and gone, another birthday has been spent thinking about all of the things I haven’t accomplished in my life, and another season has hit with the tenacity of this humid Maine summer.

I’m not really a control freak.  I’m actually the worst with control.  I know this because I don’t have it so I don’t bother trying to control things.  I don’t clean my room very often.  I don’t get upset if people don’t do things my way.  I don’t even drive. 

Driving a car is to me the scariest thing in the entire universe, second only to bees.  Anxiety reigns when I get behind the wheel.  My heart rate elevates, my hands start shaking, and I start to hyper focus.  What other people can do like it’s no big deal at all I find terrifying and paralyzing.  I don’t understand people who think they are safe having control over a vehicle that could easily get smashed to pieces by another bigger vehicle.  I don’t like having the responsibility of life and death in my hands.  Is that a little dramatic?  Do I care?  If you find a bee in the house, set it on fire.  The house.  With the bee inside.

But I promised my parents, those people who are trying to help me be a grown up, at the beginning of the year that I would work towards getting my license.  Since January I have been studiously avoiding the driver’s manual and making sure that I am only in the passenger’s seat of the car.  Every now and then I had lapses in concentration and read the book, or mom would annoy the crap out of me and quiz me.  Surprisingly I become a comedian when people quiz me about car stuff.  Like, I’m really funny you guys.  You’d have to be there but trust me on this: I’m hilarious.

The day after my birthday I woke up at 7 and mom drove me to the DMV so that I could take the test to get my permit.  The proctor wished me a late happy birthday.  The security guy behind him asked if he was too late to spank me.  I gave them a look.  The first guy said I wasn’t down for that.  I said no I was not.

After the eye exam I sat down at the computer with my name on the screen and started the test.  The night before I had planned on studying but instead I drank tequila and talked to a friend on the phone for over an hour.  I also didn’t even get out of work until 9:50 pm or so.  But I relied on my extensive test taking skills that I acquired from years of schooling, and I strategically answered as many questions as I could without going over the limit of wrong answers and skipped a few that I didn’t know to answer questions I did know.  Ultimately I was one of the first people finished and I got a modest 80. 

So now I have to drive. 

It’s not like there’s a set amount of hours, the proctor said that I could send in to take the test when I feel ready.  So I have 5 months to start attempting to drive like a sane human person so that I can send in for said license test. 

But I don’t like it!  And it’s so hard!  And it scares me so much you guys!  I’d rather be covered in bees while trying to eat honey, which apparently some dude did.  

In trying to power through the anxiety wall I am finding myself facing more anxiety behind the wheel.  How can people do anything while driving?  I can barely work the radio, which really pisses me off because I need some tunes always.  I forget that I have mirrors, so I just pray there’s no one on the road before I leave the driveway.  I’m not entirely understanding of the amount of space that the car takes up on the road from the driver’s seat.  I drive under the speed limit a lot.

But I’m trying. 

I know that God wants me to do it because He made me my parent’s daughter and they are quite fervent in their belief that I need to drive.  I know that He wants me to do it because He doesn’t like that I live afraid of something.  I know He wants me to put on my big girl panties and deal with driving because what everyone has told me is true, I will be able to have freedom.  But I don’t think it’s just the ability to go where I want to that will be this freedom, I think it will be God giving me a chance to work through this fear.  I’m afraid of the things I can’t control outside the car and of being unable to control it correctly myself.  If I were in the bible I would be a lazy disciple, definitely.  No wonder God is giving me another challenge. 

What I want to do is one of the most difficult things in the universe.  I want to rely not on myself but on the truth of who Christ is.  I know that if I can remember to focus on this whole driving thing as a spiritual exercise I’ll rely on Christ instead of my own ability, which is always the most comforting thing I can think of when facing stress and anxiety.  When I try to take control, lose control, whatever; the truth of the situation is that I have a savior who is waiting for me in the eye of the storm.  I’m not getting swept away like Dorothy to Oz, and I’m not going to hide in the storm cellar either.  I’m going to try to meet Him in the middle of the terrifying.  dirty

On Brain Blockage

03 Monday Mar 2014

Posted by in Human Interest

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thingsThe worst part about being stuck is that usually there’s a way out and no drive to put it into motion.
Right now the thing closest to getting me out of a rut is the anger that I develop when certain persons ask me pointed questions about my life. I always want to turn it back on them, and to make them feel as badly as I do. But that’s not kind, and I don’t. I just tell them to back off, shut up, stop asking me the same questions as yesterday when they know damn well what I did with my day today.
There is nothing so exhausting as having nothing to do, or having things to do but no reason to do them. Winter feels like the perfect time for hibernation, although so does summer because I burn so badly in the sun. It makes me want to go back to school somehow just to have some sort of structure or deadline. I make the worst accountability partner for myself, and have no desire to get someone else to be one.
So I sit around, watching Netflix and crocheting a baby blanket, sleeping in too much and going to bed too late, getting angry at unstructured days and trying to figure out what projects I can actually get myself to take part in. I get overwhelmed just talking to someone who does things with their days. I sit down to write and draw a blank, or start typing and realize I just wrote absolutely nothing of importance. I ignore the bible on my bedside table and pretend it’s ok that I don’t talk to God very often. I make plans in my head about changing the way I do things and then sleep in again, stay in my pajamas till noon, don’t bother showering because I’m not going anywhere. It’s the ultimate staycation that really needs to end.
What fail to help are the articles about inspiration and getting rid of writer’s block. Especially when you’ve read every single one you have come across and now are over loaded with information instead of inspired. There are so many useful blogs out there and yet with each blog post about something that should be helping you there’s no real reason to follow someone else’s formula for success, because success will look different on each person.
So buckle down. Quit messing around. Start playing to win. Risk. Be tired if it means being up early. Go to bed late if you feel like writing instead of sleeping. Start projects and finish them. Enjoy your almost clean room and use it to create something worth sharing.
dirty

Chronicles of Don’t: Thoughts on Friends

04 Monday Nov 2013

Posted by in Chronicles of Don't, Dirty's Reports

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sbbff

I have had a few different best friends. My sister; we bonded over Stockholm syndrome. My best friend from high school; we went through a lot of stuff and she’s still important to me. My best friend from college; still my best friend. I’ve also had the pleasure of keeping in touch with certain people over the years who i consider to be good friends.
And then there are the Don’ts.
I used to have the opposite of trust issues. I wouldn’t call myself gullible, but I was optimistic about the people in my life being honest and truthful, caring and considerate. Now I see that I was naive.
My superhuman ability to trust people created a doormat of a person. I would allow people to walk all over me.

You were supposed to be here at 6 and it’s 6:45? I’m sure there’s a good reason for it.
You only keep me around so that you can feel thinner/more educated/more sophisticated/tell a more stories/never feel threatened that the cute guy will choose to talk to you? Great, lots of pressure off me.
You want me to let you into your ex boyfriends building so you can have another confrontation? I’m your girl!
You want to only contact me when it’s convenient for you, every 8 months or so? I’ll answer my phone, no worries.
Your mom died? Please, let me introduce you to my mom so you can have some positive maternal figure in your life.
Wait, you mom didn’t die? But, wait, why did you tell the entire faculty at school that she did? Why did you need to get a loan from my mother and never pay it back? Why did you have to live with my mother rent free, take a free trip to California? Why did you decide to lie about your brother dying as well? Why did you lie about being pregnant? Is the kid you swear up and down that you had in college real? No?
Wait, why am I doing this?

That was the first turning point. Knowing that someone could lie so thoroughly about everything and get away with it, leeching as much as possible from the lives of people who care about them… I stopped being so optimistic.
Then there was almost 10 years of friendship that were voided when I gave a bad haircut. No excuses, a bad haircut is a bad haircut, also I can hardly remember what it turned out to be. I like to block out bad memories I guess. But what did get seared into my mind was the phone call where I was told some of the most hurtful things I’ve ever had to listen to. She was my best friend through so many years, and just like that the entire friendship dissolved. I wanted to believe that the good qualities of our friendship would outweigh the negative ones, but ultimately our friendship is one I don’t miss much.
And life without these friendships is less dramatic. I didn’t realize how much room in my brain was being taken up with stupid fights, hissy fits, drug problems, eating disorders, health issues, my own constant fear of someone I love killing themselves somehow just because I had decided to keep people in my life who didn’t deserve my trust. Life is dramatic enough. Now I don’t have to worry about the unnecessary excess of emotional baggage.
Of course I am not a perfect friend either. I don’t keep in touch very well. I usually say the wrong thing at the most inappropriate time. I also say the wrong thing at the appropriate time. I generally just say the wrong thing a lot. It’s taken me years to learn what the true meaning of loyalty is. It’s taken a lot of observation to understand what consideration and love look like when you use them. But now one issue I don’t think I have to worry about as much is being a doormat. I am who I am and sometimes that’s a pushover, but I also have a better idea as to what being taken advantage of looks like. And I couldn’t have known that without the help of my (former) friends.
dirty

I’m Thirsty.

27 Thursday Jun 2013

Posted by in Dirty Little..., Dirty's Reports

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champagne

You know what I don’t like?  Tea.  You know what I’m drinking right now?  Tea.

I have a very romantic ideology of tea, what with it being British and something Doctor Who drinks for it’s antioxidants, but… I can’t.

For one thing, I don’t know if I can make it correctly.  The flavor seems off, and since I’m stealing it from my super cool brother while he isn’t home I’m guessing at how much to put in with the water in the thingy that he got from Teavana.  Also, it takes possibly 15 minutes to make.  That is a lot of time I could be sitting and playing Angry Birds, or doing laundry, or contemplating the idea of exercise while watching HBO.

I’ll finish my mug, just so I’m not wasting my brother’s money.  And I’m very overtired and feeling icky so maybe it’ll do me some good, but God, at such a cost.

I try at times to find different beverages to pass my time trying because I usually drink water or vodka, whiskey, tequila, etc.  I keep thinking that the key to not coming home from work and taking 2 shots while complaining about how no one in this family understands that dinner time is at 6:30 pm and not 9 pm is to switch from shots to something else.  I have considered coffee, but what with how it makes me feel sort of ill and jittery, plus how I am a fan of teeth whitening strips that may make my teeth all the more able to stain, I don’t really go for it these days.

I’ve been thinking that perhaps a pretentious sparkling water would work, as I’m a huge fan of San Pellegrino Pompelmo.  It is the most delicious of all the sparkling lemonade drinks in the entire world, but it’s expensive.  I got bills, son, about 40 grand of ‘em.  I can’t always be spending $10 on a six pack of mineral water goodness.  So I have tried to switch over to polar seltzer water.  I only buy it in 12 packs of cans because it’s the best way to force yourself to drink a carbonated beverage before it goes flat, and the rest of the supply won’t get flat either.  I have a few issues with this beverage as well though, such as how it’s not very tasty unless you doctor it.  This can be problematic because I always seem to find vodka in the mix… also, it’s quite dehydrating.  I always feel way more thirsty after having a can, and the more I drink the thirstier I am!  Then there is the fact that my brother likes to steal them and drink 6 out of 12 cans in 36 hours of their being in the house.  This becomes a problem, because I have an issue with running out of things.  For some reason I need to have something fully restocked before I use the last of it.

My point is, this is my journey.  It’s a part of my life and in this season I am trying to figure our how to tantalize and entertain my taste buds without alcohol.  Suggestions are welcome. dirty

Taking Things Too Seriously

08 Monday Apr 2013

Posted by in Dirty Little..., Dirty's Reports

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Knope Assault

I have a considerably undesirable personality quirk that gives me the ability to become super worked up over something incredibly unimportant. This happens most often at work, where it is not effective or constructive.

My current job is one I view as temporary, because it has absolutely nothing to do with where I want to be in life. I’m bratty about it, I know. It fell in to my lap thanks to my brother. It’s not very difficult and I try to do my job well for the most part.

One day one of my coworkers and I got in to a disagreement because of communication problems. By communication problems I mean that he didn’t listen to me. I clearly explained what his fault was and took responsibility for my own, because I knew that he had a point in his argument, and also that I was right.

What got me amped up though was that he told everyone else in the office and outside of it that the situation was all my fault! All of a sudden, for someone who couldn’t care less about their job I was super pissed off about work! I felt victimized, and since I was so obviously without a doubt right this must be a blatant attack on my character and work ethic! I could do this kid’s job better than he could!

Pride goes before destruction,
a haughty spirit before a fall

I was obviously taking myself very seriously. When I calmed down and started to consider why I was even mad I realized that I was suffering from an inflated ego. My pride had gotten out of hand, and as someone with a pride problem I am starting to realize that it will not save me from injustice or being mistreated or acting like a big jerk.

When the bible talks about pride coming before destruction in Proverbs 16:18 it doesn’t necessarily mean that my life will be destroyed and that I’ll lose my job and everything important to me will burn up in a random fire… What does end up getting smashed to pieces is the ivory tower of pride I have built myself up on, and the fall from the nose-bleed seats is very humbling.

When it comes to the attitude I should have at work, I try to remember pretty much anything from Ecclesiastes. In chapter 5:19&20 says

…to whom God has given wealth and possessions and power to enjoy them, and to accept his lot and rejoice in his toil—this is the gift of God. For he will not much remember the days of his life because God keeps him occupied with joy in his heart.

Rejoice in your toil so that your heart will be so filled with joy that you can’t remember your bad days? This is something I have yet to master. I’m so bad at it that I have considered getting the word rejoice tattooed on my arm somewhere really visible so that I will be reminded all the time. Does anyone else struggle with rejoicing through what might be called stupid situations?

dirty