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Dirty Sean

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Dirty Sean

Tag Archives: My Philosophy

Hard Things.

14 Friday Nov 2014

Posted by Meagan Sean in Dirty's Reports

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Dirty's Report, Human Interest, inappropriate, My Philosophy

I worked ten days in a row in the past two weeks. Would you like to know what I like about working ten days in a row? None of it.
Working that many days, no matter what the shift length, straight through is something that I call a hard thing to do. Another is to blog all the time when you’re working like a crazy person and attempting to remember what kids do on their weekends off.
anigif_enhanced-buzz-24257-1368233841-0It was a hard thing for me to overcome my fear of driving. I had to pray a lot about that, but eventually my hands stopped shaking when I would get out of the car. In fact, I now enjoy driving by myself with the system cranked so I can belt out my favorite teen pop songs from ten years ago. It even can relax me! What a turn this has all taken!
It’s also a hard thing for me to remember the rules of the road, also to not consider driving just a real life video game. I have to remind myself it’s not Mario Kart on a regular basis.
It’s a hard thing to have relationships. From friendships to family to significant others, it’s really hard to wake up every day and decided that you want to shower people with love when there are so many reasons not to. For instance, that person is behaving like a spoiled brat. Or, I don’t really feel like making that phone call right now cus I just got out of work and I’m tired. Or, I don’t want to spend my time with you right now because I want to be alone watching Gilmore Girls on Netflix. Or, I can’t figure out how to give you what you want so I’m going to ignore you until you pester me so much that we end up fighting. So many good reasons to just let relationships fail, but then I’d miss the wonderful benefits of having my good friends available for advice and laughter. I’d miss being able to be a part of a family that is messy and loud and loves each other hard. I’d even miss being able to put my heart on the line in a relationship that will require teamwork and dedication to fighting for each other.
It’s a hard thing to know people who have died. Remembering them is the quickest way to pull clouds over the sun. It’s a hard thing to live a life that celebrates who they were and what you have when you don’t feel like celebrating. Death impacts people in very distinct ways. It can make you wonder what the point is of continuing life, because to be honest when you lose someone just living day to day can be a hard thing to do.
Living through terrible illness can be the biggest hard things to do that ever was. I haven’t been through this kind of suffering, and I would never claim to understand the pain that it brings an individual. But where the media has recently been covering the topic because of one individual’s decision regarding her illness, I do have my own opinions on it.
Brittany Maynard made headlines because after being diagnosed with a highly malignant and aggressive form of brain tumor that would eventually kill her she decided to end her own life under Oregon’s so-called Death with Dignity law. I see mixed reviews on my Facebook feed, some of my friends are applauding her and some of my friends are… not.
One thing I’d like to make clear is that no matter what my opinion or your opinion is, it’s strictly that: an opinion. In the same way that I can offer my opinion on Kim Kardashian’s new magazine cover; it really won’t change what has already happened. Our opinions might give people a chance to think a little differently, to have the world open up a little more than it was before, but that is it.
I do not see myself ever supporting an act that allows someone to take his or her own life. I have had friends who have attempted to take their own lives out of mental anguish and even a friend who succeeded. In their minds the suffering that they were going through was so great that they decided to end the pain. Their hard things to do became too hard for them. I have also known strong and brave people who have gone through illnesses that tortured them to the core of their being until they died.
I think the reason I’m not into the death with dignity thing is because dignity isn’t something I deserve when I see myself in the light of certain truths. Whatever dignity I have won’t be credited to me, especially since if you know me you know I don’t have much of it at all. It will be all on the man who died on a cross in the most undignified manner that his people could think of, just to rise up again to receive more honor and glory than any person on earth could possibly dream of.
There are hard things to do in this world. We can hope that going through hard things can make us stronger and wiser than before, but that’s not always the case. Sometimes it makes us selfish and bitter, without as much space in our hearts as we once had. What I desire, when it comes to my life, is that the hard things will point me back to Christ, who went through the hardest things for no reason other than His intense love for us. My hope, dignity, and strength that gets me through the hard things, it’s all in Him.
dirty

No Originality.

23 Monday Jun 2014

Posted by Meagan Sean in Dirty Little..., Dirty's Reports

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My Philosophy

I used to think that our culture was what perpetuated the idea that if we do the same things as someone we will feel closer to them. I thought that it was just America being stupid and failing to understand that marketing is mind control. Of course, it controls my mind so I don’t know why I was such a jerk about it. But I started thinking about the times that we decide to copy other people and why.
I met a girl who got a tattoo on her finger that is just like the one Rihanna has, because Rihanna has it. Every fashion forward girl has started growing out her eyebrows because of Cara Delevingne breaking the mold and being called beautiful. Personally I will literally look up products that celebrities use and purchase them because I am delusional and I think they make me cooler.
Then there are things like the fact that I cook the way that I do because I’ve been copying my mother for years. I make Manhattans the way that I do because it’s the way my dad makes them. I decided to change the way that I invest in people because of the way that I saw Derek invest in people. I started to change the kind of conversations I had with my female friends after having a close relationship with Tink because the way that she steered what we would talk about was edifying and encouraging, and I want to be able to be that kind of friend to others. I could go on and on and on.
But what’s the point? And why is this something that I feel the need to do, trying to be like other people?
When I think about why I copy other people I find that I am desiring to either feel closer to them or be them. I don’t cut corners people, when I look at how I choose to repeat behaviors and actions that I saw someone else do I realize that I feel like I could be them, or like they are with me. Is that weird? Or, is it the way I was made? What if there is something in me that needs to do what someone else does in order to feel a connection with them? Does that make me damaged?
I don’t think so.

For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps.  (1 Peter 2:21)

It sounds like maybe Christ knew that I like to copy other people.

…to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness. (Ephesians 4:22-24)

It sounds like this guy is telling me to stop being quite so much like myself and to start acting more like someone else.

Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. (Ephesians 5:1&2)

That sounds like an explicit command from someone smarter than me that is telling me to become more like Christ. I see a trend. I wonder, since God created me and knew even all the way back “in the beginning” that I would be born into sin and would never be able to be perfect on my own… Maybe He really did make me this way? Maybe He knew that I was born to be a copycat and was faithful to make it into a tool in my relationship with Him. Maybe God even designed me to be this way on purpose, so that I would find it easier to follow Christ because all I have to do is whatever he does to feel closer to Him, which in turn God sees as me being more like Him.

Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. (Matthew 11:29)

Whatever the case, I feel pretty comfortable following that command. dirty

Boys as Friends

19 Wednesday Mar 2014

Posted by Meagan Sean in Dirty's Reports

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Dirty's Report, My Philosophy, Nugget 'O Truth

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When I was in High School my best friends were a mixed group, guys and girls. I would go over to my guy friend’s houses or they would come to mine, we would hang out after school, sometimes in a group or just us, watch movies, listen to music, play video games, talk. During college I made some more friends, and some of them were guys who were been better friends to me than 98% of the girls I met at school. After college I had a few co-workers who saved my sanity and were friends like only working together could have made us. They were all guys.
But when it comes to male/female friendships I have found that there are some needless complications that can occur. For instance, attraction or perceived attraction. If you’re dealing with a friend being attracted to another friend, well, either keep it to yourself until it goes away or go ahead and make that friendship strain by telling the person how you feel. Honestly, and this is a technique that I believe to have saved my hide a billion times, I will not tell a male friend if I have feelings for him or if I find him attractive. I will not tell them what they don’t need to know, because

  1. Being friends with someone can make you attracted to their personality, which does not mean that you should have any romantic involvement
  2. Being attracted physically to someone doesn’t mean you should have any romantic involvement
  3. Real talk: I have horrible taste in guys so I should never trust my attractions. Ever.

Hence, don’t bother bringing up something that will put unneeded strain on a relationship. What else does this cover? Usually it also covers what I like to call perceived attraction, which is when you think one of your friends is starting to have feelings for you but you’re not sure. I’ve been on both sides of this one, on the one hand having to put up different boundaries because a male friend was not being subtle at all, and on the other being confused about why a male friend was accusing me of being into him. This situation can get real cloudy real fast in the Christian community, what with the assumption that every single girl is trying to turn you into her husband before she runs out of eggs in her ovary basket. I actually get a little offended when that happens, because I’m a person that prides herself on being very forthright about everything all the time, including my own intentions, and also I’m a prideful sinner and I can’t be perfect, sorry. Not sorry.
So what I’ve come to believe about these male/female friendships is that, as I mentioned before, there should be boundaries. I agree with what Drew Barrymore said,

You have to have endless love with constant boundaries.

I also firmly believe that there are a lot of different people in the world and that my boundaries in my friendships will not be the same as theirs. I’m still finding where the right boundaries are for me, the ones that existed before in the best friendships and the ones that should have been in place in others. I know that my first rule is to attempt to treat all male friends as brothers, which thankfully I’ve had some training for with my little brother being one of my best friends. My second rule for myself is not to take any of it too seriously, but also to know where I stand. Someone will always find themselves watching When Harry Met Sally and reconsidering the entire idea of male/female friendships, and everyone will experience them differently. But where I stand on the subject is that yes, there can be friendships between guys and girls, and that I can say because of experiencing it.
dirty

Thought Trail for Valentine’s Day.

10 Monday Feb 2014

Posted by Meagan Sean in Holidays, Human Interest

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My Philosophy

Being a single woman on Valentine’s day has, in years past, given me yet another day of the week to be bitter and resentful. Watching all the romantic comedies, the special Valentine’s day episodes of my favorite shows, and just seeing Facebook posts of other people being happily in love has made me want to throw my electronic device into the ocean. It would be so satisfying!
But my attitude problem when it comes to all things in the romance section of the card aisle of every drugstore is not something that brings me joy. It’s not something I’m ashamed of because I lost my shame towards just about everything a long time ago, but it’s not something that edified me in the slightest. It gives me the opportunity to look at my past and be resentful of my own decisions. It gives me a chance to sing along to The Chain by Fleetwood Mac with complete conviction. It always gives me a chance to drink alcohol to my face. But none of that can be described as productive, joyful, or peaceful.yearsSpeaking of romantic comedies and the like, they really give us quite a warped view of what relationships will be like. So many of the movies out there feed us lines about what love should be like, and how the person you are going to be with should be, but it’s generally a lot of propaganda so that we keep falling for the same clichéd story lines. Not going to the new Rom-Com because it’s emotional porn for women? That’d be stupid when you can take a quote from it and put it in your Facebook profile so that your twisted-by-the-media view of love is up there for everyone to see!
Even the movie Juno (which I do take a cue from when it comes to a lesson in love: be BFFs) has become overhyped for a quote about love that just doesn’t work in reality.junoI’d also like to point out that there are plenty of classic authors that I’d like to punch in the face for making us believe that british men can woo like no others. There are more than a few girls out there waiting for their Mr. Darcy, believing that people like him exist in reality.mrdarcyGetting hit on generally leads to dashed hopes and broken dreams of romantic eloquence.pantspartyFor single girls with expectations (I’d say high expectations, but honestly I think “8th grade reading level” and “has all teeth” aren’t high expectations. They are normal expectations.) there is a fine line to walk when it comes to accepting the status of being single. At this moment in time, I’m actually quite content with where I’m at. I am not lonely because I live with my family, and I’m disillusioned to the pandering of romantic drama on the screens. But sometimes being single can look more like a surrender to spinster-hood, and you wake up one day discovering that you’ve crocheted Christmas presents for everyone you know 8 months early while watching Netflix and petting your cats. Worse, there are times where you feel so desperate for what (it seems) everyone else has that you end up lowering your own standards and just making due with someone who is interested in you.
mindy2mindy1After making those choices I always remember why I am not supposed to be let out of the house without an adult. And I always remember how important it was to have those standards in the first place.aliceConversations where you look for sympathy can become the most rage inducing experiences that have ever happened, and this is coming from a girl who has regularly documented rage blackouts. The most obnoxious of these for me are with family members. Inevitably the question pops up somehow, in my extended family it’s usually phrased very nonchalantly.
“So, anyone special in the picture?”
Well…lovelifeWhich leads to their expounding upon the benefits of using a dating service on the world-wide web.
Honestly, I do know some people who have met on different dating sites but that doesn’t make me want to join one. I have seen way too many shady things happen in the past because of them, and I don’t want to lie on the profile to make myself more attractive. Hobbies?judgingAnd every guy loves the outdoors, and sports, and fresh air for some reason. Meanwhile I just want to be left alone to read a book in the climate controlled room of my choosing.outdoorsI have way too many quirks and opinions and bad habits to be someone’s cup of tea, especially if it’s based on an online profile. And I’m just fine with that. I’m even fine with being given crap because I’m not comfortable with having a profile on an online dating service, even if that makes ME the weird one. I’m used to it. And as I’ve already mentioned, right now I’m enjoying being exactly where I am and seeing what becomes of me. 30rockxmendirty

Chronicles of Don’t: Identity & Self-worth

13 Monday Jan 2014

Posted by Meagan Sean in Chronicles of Don't, Dirty's Reports

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Chronicles of Don't, My Philosophy

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I am not in the business of making resolutions that I intend to keep. Were I to choose to give myself a time limit or a due date I would be guaranteeing that whatever I were to accomplish by that time would be late or never happen at all. I’ve also had a phenomenon the past few years of having each year become focused on something drastically different from the last, without my resolutions or goals being involved in the slightest. First once upon a January I moved to Mass without a plan and had to trust God for everything. A year later I left my job and enrolled in a Cosmetology program, ended up moving a few times, and found myself sinking by the end of the year into a jobless, homeless pit. At the beginning of the next year I moved home to be with my family, and to make that year about being able to love them in the best ways that I can.
This year I don’t exactly have a plan. I have some goals I’d like to work on, but they are focused on my self-discipline more than anything else. When I discuss what I hope this New Year to be producing in me I can only focus on what I pray God will grow in my life. I have this theory that if I give as much as I can to Him and pray that He will multiply it in my life that He will be faithful to do what will bring me closer to Him, even if that means attempting to wake up earlier and ready His word, or to reestablish some of our communication lines.
What I refuse to focus on when it comes to goals and resolutions, or whatever you might call them, is my identity or self-worth.
When these words are mentioned in reference to goals for this upcoming year they are more about regrets for the past year. The resolutions turn into finding where my identity is or working on my self-worth because of feeling like nothing was accomplished that’s worth talking about in the past year.
For me these words, identity and self-worth, turn on a beeping noise in my head, very much like the one that our fire detector does when grease is falling on the bottom of the oven and making the room smell bad.
If I could consider myself an expert on anything I would most definitely say I’ve got a grade A education in Hot Mess, Media Factoids, and a PHD in Sarcasm. I also have come to a deep, deep understanding of how it feels to lack self-worth, and exactly how important it is to find my identity in Christ. But I don’t believe that what I know so well in my heart is where most people are coming from, mainly because they don’t have the symptoms to match the illness, but it’s good to keep things in perspective.
When I lost my identity, I wasn’t just going around wondering what I was doing with my life. I wasn’t wondering what other people would call me because of what I did. I didn’t know who I was to myself, and I refused to ask God who He knew I was because I knew: I am a sinner, no better than the idiot over there, especially since I just called him an idiot for no good reason and I should know better. There was nothing in me or about me that made me different from anyone else. I went through life pretending to know who I was and what I was about, pretending not to care about what other people said, and finding my self-worth in all kinds of places.
Self-worth can be defined as a feeling that you are a good person who deserves to be treated with respect, and so it is directly linked to your identity, which is who you are: the qualities and beliefs that make a person different from others. I had such little self-worth that I didn’t even treat myself with respect, and I didn’t expect it from others.
In the middle of a year, when I was really losing my mind, I decided that there was nothing left to lose. I asked God if He could give me a new identity, and He did.

“Truly, truly, I say to you, whoever hears my word and believes him who sent me has eternal life. He does not come into judgment, but has passed from death to life.” – John 5:24

He’s been telling me all about who He created me to be ever since. Some days it’s not easy to hold the responsibility, but the pros outweigh the cons. Through this revelation of who I am in the eyes of the most important person in the entire universe, I began to realize what my self-worth actually was. It was weird; quick at times and slow at others. It was full of mistakes and backsliding and mountains jumping out of the way as soon as I started climbing. It’s always a part of my journey because self-worth is not a destination. The worst days are when I forget that it’s not a mission or a contest; that there is no way I will earn the self-worth that I’ve been given through my identity. I can never do enough to believe my life is worth anything, not a single thing. What I can believe is what God has said about my identity, that it is found in Him and nowhere else.
dirty

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Who, me?


I consider myself an eccentric who looks good in jeans, or an amateur at adulthood. I live in Maine, enjoy writing and photography as creative outlets, and listen to some of the worst music you've ever heard. I’m good at sin and bad at following Christ, but I’m still letting Him take the lead. Dirty is my middle name. So is Sean.
The purpose of this blog is to keep a record while I'm unearthing treasures, mapping truths, and navigating life.

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