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Hard Things.

14 Friday Nov 2014

Posted by Meagan Sean in Dirty's Reports

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Dirty's Report, Human Interest, inappropriate, My Philosophy

I worked ten days in a row in the past two weeks. Would you like to know what I like about working ten days in a row? None of it.
Working that many days, no matter what the shift length, straight through is something that I call a hard thing to do. Another is to blog all the time when you’re working like a crazy person and attempting to remember what kids do on their weekends off.
anigif_enhanced-buzz-24257-1368233841-0It was a hard thing for me to overcome my fear of driving. I had to pray a lot about that, but eventually my hands stopped shaking when I would get out of the car. In fact, I now enjoy driving by myself with the system cranked so I can belt out my favorite teen pop songs from ten years ago. It even can relax me! What a turn this has all taken!
It’s also a hard thing for me to remember the rules of the road, also to not consider driving just a real life video game. I have to remind myself it’s not Mario Kart on a regular basis.
It’s a hard thing to have relationships. From friendships to family to significant others, it’s really hard to wake up every day and decided that you want to shower people with love when there are so many reasons not to. For instance, that person is behaving like a spoiled brat. Or, I don’t really feel like making that phone call right now cus I just got out of work and I’m tired. Or, I don’t want to spend my time with you right now because I want to be alone watching Gilmore Girls on Netflix. Or, I can’t figure out how to give you what you want so I’m going to ignore you until you pester me so much that we end up fighting. So many good reasons to just let relationships fail, but then I’d miss the wonderful benefits of having my good friends available for advice and laughter. I’d miss being able to be a part of a family that is messy and loud and loves each other hard. I’d even miss being able to put my heart on the line in a relationship that will require teamwork and dedication to fighting for each other.
It’s a hard thing to know people who have died. Remembering them is the quickest way to pull clouds over the sun. It’s a hard thing to live a life that celebrates who they were and what you have when you don’t feel like celebrating. Death impacts people in very distinct ways. It can make you wonder what the point is of continuing life, because to be honest when you lose someone just living day to day can be a hard thing to do.
Living through terrible illness can be the biggest hard things to do that ever was. I haven’t been through this kind of suffering, and I would never claim to understand the pain that it brings an individual. But where the media has recently been covering the topic because of one individual’s decision regarding her illness, I do have my own opinions on it.
Brittany Maynard made headlines because after being diagnosed with a highly malignant and aggressive form of brain tumor that would eventually kill her she decided to end her own life under Oregon’s so-called Death with Dignity law. I see mixed reviews on my Facebook feed, some of my friends are applauding her and some of my friends are… not.
One thing I’d like to make clear is that no matter what my opinion or your opinion is, it’s strictly that: an opinion. In the same way that I can offer my opinion on Kim Kardashian’s new magazine cover; it really won’t change what has already happened. Our opinions might give people a chance to think a little differently, to have the world open up a little more than it was before, but that is it.
I do not see myself ever supporting an act that allows someone to take his or her own life. I have had friends who have attempted to take their own lives out of mental anguish and even a friend who succeeded. In their minds the suffering that they were going through was so great that they decided to end the pain. Their hard things to do became too hard for them. I have also known strong and brave people who have gone through illnesses that tortured them to the core of their being until they died.
I think the reason I’m not into the death with dignity thing is because dignity isn’t something I deserve when I see myself in the light of certain truths. Whatever dignity I have won’t be credited to me, especially since if you know me you know I don’t have much of it at all. It will be all on the man who died on a cross in the most undignified manner that his people could think of, just to rise up again to receive more honor and glory than any person on earth could possibly dream of.
There are hard things to do in this world. We can hope that going through hard things can make us stronger and wiser than before, but that’s not always the case. Sometimes it makes us selfish and bitter, without as much space in our hearts as we once had. What I desire, when it comes to my life, is that the hard things will point me back to Christ, who went through the hardest things for no reason other than His intense love for us. My hope, dignity, and strength that gets me through the hard things, it’s all in Him.
dirty

Chronicles of Don’t: Arrested.

19 Monday May 2014

Posted by Meagan Sean in Chronicles of Don't, Dirty's Reports

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Chronicles of Don't, inappropriate, True Life

ALCOHOLWhen I was in college there was nothing I enjoyed as much as a good party. These were the days before I found my favorite drunk activity: un-friending people on Facebook and forgetting about it the next morning. I was the girl who talked to everyone, who danced on sofas, who played beer pong really badly but kept on trying. I didn’t get a rep as a party girl in the way that some girls did because I didn’t party with the frats or sports teams. I partied with the people I enjoyed spending time with sober.
Issues arose, however, one fateful night in the end of January during my junior year when the party I was at got busted and I got arrested for underage drinking. I am not proud of that, but I’m not ashamed either. I was breaking the law and I got what I deserved. The punishment fit the crime (har-dee-har-har). I don’t suggest that anyone break the law if they can help it, but I will add that if you are going to get arrested you might want to do it like I did. Because I thought the entire thing was hilarious.
The party I was at got busted because my friend was yelling at his girlfriend in the driveway of the house in the residential neighborhood where the party was held. He was very drunk, and I was attempting to get there. I ended up trying to talk to him inside, and I recall that he was crying and being upset and whatnot. I tried to be supportive, but I was sort of not listening. Then my friend, whose party it was, came up to me and said “Megs! Are you 21?”
“No.”
“OK, the cops are here…you gotta go. When you leave go out front through the front yard.”
“OK!”
I get up and talk to a few more people, put on my pink moon boots and my black pea coat and leave. I followed his directions, leaving through the back door and turning right at the end of the driveway to go through the front yard. What he hadn’t mentioned was the foot of snow that had accumulated and the enormous hill of plowed snow in the middle of the yard. I sort of shrugged and started across the yard, snow getting in the pink moon boots, and made it possibly 6 feet across when a flashlight beam hit me, and someone told me to stop and turn around. So I did.
I trekked back through the snow and talked to the flashlight-wielding policemen.
“You, have you been drinking?”
“Yes.”
”How old are you?”
“20.”
“And how much have you been drinking?”
“Too much because I’m not 21 so I shouldn’t be drinking at all!”
I laughed. The cops looked at each other.
“OK, why don’t you wait here with officer *white-noise*.”
“OK!”
It was pretty cold, and I just stood there fidgeting for a minute before informing the officer that I could get really upset about being arrested or see it all as a joke and keep my buzz, at which point he told me to go wait in the cop car.
Inside the car I discovered a girl I played tennis with freshman year freaking out because her 16-year-old boyfriend who was on parole and didn’t have a license was currently driving around the neighboring town to avoid getting pulled over. Then she informed me that they were engaged, and I congratulated them because I didn’t care. I took a minute to call my mom, since the police didn’t take my phone, and she was rather surprised (understatement) and told me not to say anything and she would call my friend whom I had gone to the party with who was still inside. Another passenger showed up shortly, the girlfriend of the party-thrower. It was freezing and I was sitting in the middle of them with any belt buckle devices that could have been useful shoved where they didn’t need to be, but I talked to the girlfriend about what was going to happen and who got arrested. She was explaining to us about this kid we’ll call Grant, and how the cops couldn’t hold him because he was of age and didn’t have anything on him. Then we heard some shouting behind us, so we all watched out the back of the car as Grant was released to get out of there, at which time he yelled some inappropriate things to the officers and they straight up pepper sprayed him in the face and arrested him. It’s like the situation was the definition of “Well that escalated quickly.” My reaction was something along the line of “Well shit dude, that sucks. I have to pee.”
We were driven to the police department, where I was allowed to use the bathroom alone. Apparently the police department was going through renovations because it had 2 or 3 chairs in the waiting area and looked like it was in the middle of renovations. Because of this the cells were not finished, so instead of being forced to pee in front of any and all girls in the cell with me, which is how things went down with friends who got arrested in the future, I got the enjoy the privacy of the cramped bathroom by myself. Winning!
(Another interesting thing I learned about this police department after the entire process was that they didn’t have to read you Miranda rights. I don’t remember the reasons, but I looked it up when I realized that they never read me mine. In fact I wasn’t cuffed or anything, they just did paperwork on me.)
When I went out to the seating area there were more kids from my school there in different levels of unhappiness. I turned to a kid I knew and started talking to him, which apparently was a bad idea because he was super angry and I sounded like a cheerleader at a pep squad rally.
“Hey, how are you!? It’s been a while, how’s your night been? Oh, not talking to me? OK!”
This kid was not having it. He started going off about how he only had one beer and that they got him for having beer in his backpack. I was very sympathetic.
Things got quiet again and I turned to a girl I’d had a class with and we started talking about her absolutely killer high heels, which was nice because everyone else was being all upset and I wasn’t having it. I covertly pulled out my phone, texted my mom, and started playing Tetris.  Grant showed up and started talking to the entire room about civil rights and how he was going to make his family sue the cops, which I didn’t expect to happen but he was all fired up.
I was called in to be processed for internal possession, and blew a .14 on the breathalyzer. The officer said that I was very put together for how drunk I was, and I smiled and thanked him. Having listened to my mother’s advice about being quiet I answered any and all questions, then started chatting with the officer about how his wife was from Bangor, Maine, and then I showed him my tattoos. I only had two at the time, but I was quite proud of them!
The worst part of the experience was not that I had to wait in the seating area sitting on the cement floor, or that I was getting really tired and desperately needed a cigarette… It was hearing my mother’s best friend’s voice when she came to pick me up.
My mother, in a panic, had decided to call her friend who lived 45 minutes from where I was in school. This woman is wonderful and I love her dearly, but she has a strong Italian/Boston accent, and for a 5 foot nothing little spitfire with big hair she can sure command a room.
She started yelling at me as soon as I was in the car.
“What are you doing getting arrested? I told you to have fun in college, I didn’t say to get arrested!”
I was exhausted, but thankfully the ride was under 5 minutes to my dorm. And when I pulled out a cigarette when I got out of the car to give her a hug…
“WHAT ARE YOU DOING SMOKING? ARE YOU KIDDING, DO YOU REMEMBER HOW MUCH WEIGHT I GAINED WHEN I QUIT?”
“Uh, do you want one?”
“NO! GO TO BED, I’M CALLING YOUR MOTHER. LOVE YOU.”
So she left me to smoke a cigarette and call my mom. I found out later that she had told my mother that I looked wicked cute and was surrounded by black guys and I was definitely going to have sex with one of them. She’s a little dramatic.
After talking to my mom I started to freak out and called my best friend from high school to cry. It wasn’t until then that I started to process the night appropriately, but I’m fine with that. I would have been a hot mess of tears and snot had I started to take it seriously before I got home, and I didn’t have tissues on me.
So that’s the story. I had to go in and get my urine tested for 12 weeks and take a FAST class (alcohol prevention) to get the charge sealed or expunged or whatever. It’s funny, when I fill out job applications I always ask the person if I should put it down in the area that asks about being arrested and they usually say no. In fact, most of the people I ask basically wave it off like it’s nothing. Now, that doesn’t mean I would do it again, by any means. But I will say that I am proud of the fact that I didn’t just get arrested for underage drinking, I didn’t let getting arrested stop me from trying to enjoy my night and annoy the crap out of the grumpy people I was stuck with.tumblr_m4whtp4M8m1r2ow8b
dirty

Why I hate weddings.

03 Monday Sep 2012

Posted by Meagan Sean in Human Interest

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Tags

Human Interest, inappropriate, My Philosophy, Personal Update, True Life

I hate weddings for a few reasons.

  1. The sheer amount of people I have to play nice with intimidates me.
  2. I have to dress appropriately.
  3. These days the amount of people I know at these weddings has grown exponentially and it’s difficult to play nice with people I barely know or like.
  4. My favorite way to handle 1 and 3 is to drink, sometimes to excess. (At some point soon I will be posting about this drinking thing)
  5. There is dancing, which because of 4 I usually end up doing and being embarrassed about.
  6. There are two kinds of weddings for me, the first being weddings I am invested in and the second being ones I am not.  They each have their own sorts of problems, for instance when I am invested in a wedding in some way, by doing hair or makeup, by being in the wedding party or close to those who are getting married, I feel a certain pressure to make sure to perform well.  This means that I’m putting on a performance, which I am generally not down to do.  With not being invested it feels incredibly stupid to be there.  I don’t know why I have to be at the ceremony or the reception when I don’t know the person particularly well, or why I have to be on good behavior.  I don’t know why I am chastised for being myself when I wasn’t really important to the bridal party in the first place.
  7. I find going to weddings difficult because like most girls that are in my age range and still single I find it difficult to see people getting to have what I cannot at this time.  I get really tired at times of accepting that God has a great big plan for me that includes me being single right now and that excludes me knowing that I will be married at some point.  I am so blessed to see my friends get married and yet I take it as a burden because I am not.  Is this normal?  Perhaps.  Is this right?  No, not according to what I am professing to believe.
  8. Ceremonies are the WORST.  They are so filled with meaning and special things that apply to the couples, and they are so full of reminders of what marriage really is: a reflection of what the church is to Christ.  The church is the bride of Christ, which is implicit in the bible in many places.  To see even a shadow of that played out in life surrounding me is really difficult to handle.  I can’t imagine being loved to the extent of someone pledging their life to be entwined with mine on earth, and I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that Christ has accepted me as a daughter/sister/wife/anything other than scum beneath his shoe.  These are things that are too big for me to handle, and by handle I mean allow myself to understand and cry about in private much less in public.  I am grateful that God knows how slowly I need this pace to go, even when I am impatient and petulant.  He knows the perfect timing for my life and is continuing to pursue my heart and lead me to a place of understanding what this love is really all about, which includes leading me to accept that someone might be able to love me past my flaws and sins for a lifetime, much less all of eternity.

Tv Teaches Me Things part 1

14 Monday May 2012

Posted by Meagan Sean in Dirty's Reports, Human Interest, Things TV Teaches Me

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Human Interest, inappropriate, tv lessons

20120514-130020.jpg

Something I learned from the New Girl: When unable to deal with life make like Nick and go batshit crazyCRAZYPANTS

This guy knows how to let himself be upset! He doesn’t just wallow, he relishes and drenches himself in his pain and suffering. I generally handle breakups like “an adult”, which means quietly and with respect for others. But they aren’t usually as concerned about my effect on them as I am, so why not just become a hot mess that backslides? Why not drunk dial? Why not swear off love in favor of growing tomatoes? Why not allow myself to be the wreck I am for a while? It happens!
Now I’m not talking about emotionalism, which generally means an undue influence of feelings upon thought and behavior. So while this sounds a lot like what I’m writing about, I’d like to make a few points.
First off, I don’t think that emotions should rule the way we live and behave, if I did I wouldn’t be a Christian. The bible has many emotions in it, and God made us as emotional beings, but when it comes down to what is right and wrong how we feel about it don’t mean shit.
Secondly, while it may sound like I’m advocating for a momentary laps into emotionalism that is only because I kind of am. When plugging away at life and pushing my real feelings down so that I appear to be “normal” I always find that eventually I lose my mind in a way that is less like a crazy homeless woman and more like a terrorist trying to destroy the body I live in. I have a history of taking things out on myself instead of verbalizing, and if starting a project or expressing my madness will keep me honest and safe from my own nature, I’ll take it.
I’m just really glad that even when I decide to let myself go crazy, God knows how to find me in the middle of my crazy and remind me of who is bigger, and who is smaller.

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What I’ve Learned About Life From School Thus Far.

25 Wednesday Apr 2012

Posted by Meagan Sean in Human Interest

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Human Interest, inappropriate, Memo, Personal Update, True Life

  1. I’ve developed this technique that I use whenever I want someone to continue doing something, it is being super positive about whatever it is that I want him or her to do continually.  The only problem is that when it comes to doing this to guys it involves complimenting them in a way that makes me sound like a horny grandmother. A kid at school gets his awful perm cut off and my response is “You look so handsome!  I didn’t know you were so handsome before!” and “Look, he’s got a good smile!  I couldn’t see it past that awful jerry curl.”  I know that those aren’t the best examples, but considering the fact that I mean these compliments in platonic ways and they can be taken in any way, shape or form… Yeah.  I’m not going to stop doing it anytime soon.  Too much fun.
  2. Each and every Gran in existence has the right idea about things.  Why not get your hair set once or twice a week?  All that gel adds volume, and you get to have a great Do for days.  That and layering on the lipstick, which should smell just like lipstick, and you have instant class.
  3. I need breakfast and coffee every morning before school or else I could become demon possessed.  I went crazy on Monday, quite a sight from what I understand, because of a lack of breakfast sandwich and iced coffee with caramel and cream.  Funny, my ex’s dad thought that Harry Potter would be the way I would get myself a demon, but it turns out it’s caffine deprivation.
  4. Everyone is insecure in some way.  That manifests in different forms: fear of everything, a need to be better than, a need to be desirable to the opposite gender, questioning one’s own abilities or even the simple waffling of the mind.  It’s something that backs so many actions that I can’t get mad at people when I look at their real incentives.
  5. Loyalty is hard to come by.  This isn’t entirely new to me, as I learned what loyalty is by being the opposite of the definition.  My best friend in the entire world taught me where the lines were because I kept on crossing them.  At this point I’m still learning continually how to be as loyal as she is, but I can see clearly how it isn’t played out with everyone and how it affects the trust that you thought was built in a friendship.
  6. Everyone has an agenda, and if you’re not a part of it you’re in the way.
  7. Ecclesiastes 3:15 – “That which is now already has been, and that which is to be already has been; and God seeks that which has passed by [so that history repeats itself].”  Everything that is in the world of fashion, the world of beauty, is an altered image of something we have already seen.  That’s the way it goes.  What is new is just something that is old filtered through a new lens.  An understanding of this is what helps enable you to create new things.
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Who, me?


I consider myself an eccentric who looks good in jeans, or an amateur at adulthood. I live in Maine, enjoy writing and photography as creative outlets, and listen to some of the worst music you've ever heard. I’m good at sin and bad at following Christ, but I’m still letting Him take the lead. Dirty is my middle name. So is Sean.
The purpose of this blog is to keep a record while I'm unearthing treasures, mapping truths, and navigating life.

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