Tag Archives: Lies My Heart Tells Me

SOAP: Idol Worshiper

25 Friday Jul 2014

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Scripture:

For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that people are without excuse. (Romans 1:20)

Observation: In the Amplified text instead of “being understood for what has been made” it says “clearly discernible in and through the things that have been made (His handiworks)”. Since the dawn of creation God’s character has been able to be witnessed through creation itself, through nature and weather, plants and animals, even human beings. And we have witnessed it; all of humanity together, and somehow still we find ways to put aside His glory for the sake of creation’s beauty. Sin is crafty, distorting our lens and keeping our hearts desiring earthly substitution for heavenly things.  In other words, sin helps us find ways to worship the creation, and not the creator. And idols can be any of it.
Application: So, I’m an idolater. I have idols and I turn to them for fulfillment instead of God.
How does this apply? Um, cus I don’t bother to look past creation to the presence of God and his Glory, I just see the creation. Case and point, the other day I was having a rough time and I texted someone and asked them to say something nice to me so I would feel better. Even as I was doing it, I knew I was in the wrong. I could hear the words of a radio interview with Fabs in which she basically said that the key to satisfaction in Him is two-fold: not receiving your worth from the words of men, and seeking it from God.
Prayer: God, I’m sorry! I know I’ve said it before, and I’ve confessed this before, but I keep doing it again! Forgive me! I’m a mess! UGH!
Ok Lord, I’m done with the passionate lamenting. I’m just so sick of myself, and I want more of you defining me than this world. I want your leadership and encouragement; I want your fulfillment and peace. Please help me in this area where I constantly fail to beat sin down. Please cleanse my heart with your Holy Spirit; I need a full on submersion and scrub down. And thank you. Thank you for being patient with me. Thank you for telling me where I am sinful so that I can turn to you for help and support. Thank you for being willing to help me. Thank you.dirty

Nope, Life Isn’t Easy.

05 Saturday Apr 2014

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andyI’ve been listening to a lot of the White Horse Inn lately, catching up on the 3 part series on Job and suffering. Michael Horton was talking quite a bit about Calvin and his works and their relation to the conversation they were having on suffer. It was a very uplifting series to listen to, and here are some truths that I got from it.

It seems that the hardest thing to do when we are in the midst of hardship and suffering is remember what our relationship with God is. When I am suffering I fall back on the rudminary belief that for some reason God is allowing me to suffer because I deserve it, or because He doesn’t care about me. For some reason I still have unbelief in my heart over what I am in His eyes.
It’s easier to think that when I die I will be taken up to an enormous drive-through-movie style viewing of my life and God will make me watch it and answer questions and give me a verdict on the condition of my heart. It’s easier to think that I have some sort of input to the way that I will be perceived by Him who is holy and righteous and just. But what is harder is the truth that I have no say whatsoever. For some reason it still bugs me that I won’t have the option to stand trial and argue my case; because the judgment was already made and the courtroom is empty.

The death he died, he died to sin once and for all; but the life he lives, he lives to God. – Romans 6:10

Christ already stood trial for me and took my punishment. He cleared out that courtroom so that we don’t have to go back again. But there are times that I still feel that God has drawn His bow and is aiming it right at me. I still feel like I’m being punished because of what happens in my life, and I still want to blame myself and Him for what happens.
What I can’t see is that God isn’t aiming at me but at the sin wrapped around my neck, slowly trying to kill me. And what I forget is that this was part of the deal of becoming a child of God and a follower of Christ.

If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. – Hebrews 12:8

What’s worse is that I forget that just living in this world is a great way to have horrible things happen to you because the world is full of sin. Add that to following Christ and you’ve given yourself great odds at having a lot of bad things happen to you.
I have submitted myself before and attempt to again almost everyday, because I still wake up with a wild heart in the cage of my ribs that refuses to understand that there are things I will go through that won’t be given reasons in this lifetime. I try desperately to remind myself that though now is my time of grief and suffering I will one day get to meet Jesus face to face and nothing else will matter.  I will no longer have the desire to ask Him why, why do these things have to happen, why do I have to walk through this? One day He will ultimately resolve all issues. And I am so looking forward to that day.
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SOAP: Gimme That. Please.

01 Tuesday Oct 2013

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myownScripture:

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.” – Matthew 7:7

Observation: This one is pretty clear cut, Jesus says that if you take the first step in action by asking, seeking, knocking, we will receive results.

Application: This scripture is about such a dangerous process if you’re a proud idiot like me. Praying that God would secure me for whatever tragedy comes next just a week or two before a friend dies. Seeking and praying for a job and finding one that helps make ends meet but isn’t something I’m necessarily passionate about. Asking Him to make it clear if someone should be in my life or take them out of it, then forgetting how many times I prayed that and being really upset when they are removed from my life. And when I remember that I asked for it what I want to do is throw an infantile fit, but what I have to do is thank God for mercifully answering prayers.

But when I find myself in times of hardship I don’t think first of asking God for help. There are things that I need to start asking for that I’ve been considering too small for God to care about, which is not true. I’ve cycled back into a place of believing that He’s too busy, that I am too small.

Prayer: God, you have already told me that I am not too small of a concern. You have said in Your word that each one of us was created by Your own hands, and You sent Your son to die for our sins before someone like me was even born. I know that You care for me, but I have been thinking that it only goes so far. I’m sorry for doubting that You care about each moment of my life, and I pray You’ll renew my heart on this matter. I can’t just remember on my own, so I’ll take whatever reminders You want to send me. And thanks for how You’ve already proven Yourself so greatly, in such big and wonderful ways. Thank You for giving me the times You’ve provided to remember in times like these, so that I can see the proof of who You are. dirty

National Suicide Prevention Week

08 Sunday Sep 2013

Posted by in Dirty's Reports, In Memoriam

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There are many logical arguments against the act of killing oneself. Sadly, the desire to kill yourself does not rest on logic. There are so many reasons that people discover in themselves, their lives, their hearts that add to the continually mounting evidence in a case brought against their existence. Often these trials are kept secret, and there are times when the accuser wins. And there are times when that leads to death.
Those who knew someone who committed suicide can find themselves not knowing what to do with themselves. They don’t know where to direct their questions to have actual answers, because the answers are often gone. The world gets flipped upside down an turned back right side up, but in the process someone went missing. Maybe they couldn’t hold on, maybe they let go to fall into the sky.
National Suicide Prevention Week (NSPW) is an annual week-long campaign in the United States to inform and engage health professionals and the general public about suicide prevention and warning signs of suicide. You can find more information here, here, and here.
I think acknowledging and supporting broken people is an incredible way to show the love of Christ. In Psalm 107 there are stories of different people who lose all hope, but in the moment they call out to God they are delivered (v.20). What better way to serve God than to deliver His word to those in despair?
As Jesus said, “go into all the world and proclaim the gospel to the whole of creation” (Mark 16:15). He gave us a job to do, because we have a battle to fight for every life. We are to defend, aid, and relay the truth:
Yes, you deserved death, but you have a savior who has given you the chance to have a new life. He loved you so much that he already died for you (John 3:16). In Him there is no condemnation, and your accuser will be silenced (Revelation 12:10).
So I encourage you to keep the word of God in your heart and to pray for those who are struggling. Pray for the families and friends of those who are already suffering from the silence of unanswered questions. Pray that the body of Christ does not fail to support the heavy hearted, and that Christ will be given the opportunity to take their burdens.dirty

Same Old, Sort Of.

07 Wednesday Aug 2013

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DANCE

I just made a chicken salad with bacon toasted cheese sandwich, which I am choosing to enjoy with whiskey on ice. When I got home from work I decided to do part of a yoga DVD and an entire Dancercize DVD.

On a side note, Dancercize is excellent because you feel like a complete idiot and you can’t understand what the instructor is doing. Then about halfway through you sort of figure it out and begin to feel like Jessica Alba in Honey, start putting your own little spin on it, then you realize you can’t see what they are doing because sweat is pouring down your face. You end up feeling tired, and a little bit awesome because you just did that entire DVD, even if it was barely 30 minutes.

Tonight I am celebrating. I am celebrating the changes that are happening in my life, not necessarily the changes that life is bringing me, but the changes that are happening from the inside out. I have made a decision to pursue a goal that requires me to get my act together. Thankfully it is one that will require preparation and prayer and really getting back into the Word, and that is only something that I will be able to do by asking for God to help me do it. It would seem that I completely forget that if I ask Him to help me He will. For some reason I think that I need to get myself back on track, and forget that without the H. Sizzle I am completely useless. I need God to change me from the inside out (again. Ugh.). And I am willing to be submissive, so I’ve decided to start asking on a regular basis. I might turn into The Worst, constantly praying and needing and whatnot, but I have a feeling that my version of The Worst is very different from His.

Speaking of changes from the inside out, today I found my first white hair. Not gray, white. Like, blinding white, all the way to the root. Obviously 26 has a lot of great things in store for me. Changes await, and I am not even scared!dirty