I did so well then around 6 I decided I was hungry.  So I ate.

Not like a binge but I had a meal.  I feel kinda bad but at the same time I took alot of the pills today and I worked out and I calculated how many calories I burn in one day and I’m feeling pretty good at the moment.  Plus, I just watched Saharah and Penelope Cruz isn’t perfect but she looks good in a bikini. 

Maybe that’s my problem, I don’t mind not being perfect.  I just need to find my perfect standard that I need to live up to.  I mean, aside from Jesus because he didn’t want to fit in a size 6 pants, he had a robe.

Thank you so much everyone for all of the support it really really makes a day go by easier. 

Yeah I ate yesterday and I found it wasn’t worth it because western ave. has horrible green pepper and onion pizza.  Such a dissapointment.  And I ate chocolate.  And it was good.

Just did some yoga, would have done crunches but I kept feeling like I was going to pass out from yoga so I’m not going to press my luck at the moment.  Maybe later. 

I couldn’t sleep the past few nights so I took nyquil last night around 10 after the OC (SOOOO GOOD!) and last night my sleep was fitful to say the least.  I was really hot too, like in the middle of the night I got up and took my pants off.  I woke up pantsless.  Pretty interesting sensation.

Intake Today

B – None

L – None

D – Granola bar – 180 calories

Pills – 4 Green Tea, 4 Fiber, 2 Apple Cider Vinager, 2 Gpower, 2 Zantrax 3

I will be taking a few more in an hour.  I just really want to cleanse my system.  I just almost spelled system wrong.  I need a shower.  I really do. 

I’m taking a poetry work shop and the teacher said to write the poem we are not supposed to write so I wrote this…

Maybe

I

Will write this

Later

I think it’s pretty funny.  Then again I have a wierd sense of humor.

11. Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No fat Chicks.

That is pretty great.  I checked the pharmacy for the new Vanity Fair and they sold out.  I was so pissed.  Holly said that we can go to concord and get it at the mall, and that while we are there we will go out to dinner and see a movie.  It will be our date night.  🙂

More of an update later on.

I would like to vent a little bit.

I have been noticeing that some people are not very nice on xanga toward people they believe are not ‘truely anorexic’.  This is my personal disclaimer.

I never said I was anorexic.  I probubly have an EDNOS but thing is I don’t like to classify myself as something because I will probubly never live up to someone else’s standards.  Here is my deal, I want to lose weight and I will do just about anything to do so except purge.  I don’t binge, but I feel like a failure when I eat like a normal person.  I take diet pills, and I find that when I work out I look and feel better.  I can’t always get away with just not eating, around friends or family, but when I fast I feel way better than normal. 

As for how long I’ve been doing this, I have always felt like I needed to lose weight.  Always.  Even when I was a little girl.  I still do.  I didn’t get really into doing all of this until my senior year of high school because I always felt like I would be a faker if I tried to not eat.  I ended up getting to the place in my life where my body is something that I can control and it can cause me to be happy or to be upset, and I would rather at least feel like at some point it will make me happy.  Also a good friend of mine (who didn’t pressure me or try to ‘give me her disease’) helped me sort out what I was feeling and get a start.  I haven’t been on xanga for a long time, really only about a month because my friend introduced me to it, but that shouldn’t mean that I haven’t had a history with all of this.

I realize that some people are going to say ‘if you don’t have to be like this then don’t be’, but the thing is I don’t have to listen to you either.  I don’t have to do many things and it’s my choice to live like I do.  I try to keep health enough, and I’ve actually not been sick so far this year which is different because I usually get sick all the time (colds, flu, sinus infections). 

I think the point I’m trying to make is that I don’t feel the need to validate what I’m doing to anyone, and before anyone asks me to I would like to tell them politely that I won’t do it.  I won’t justify what I do to someone else because they think I shouldn’t be doing it.  Life doesn’t work that way.  Tough shit.

I hope that makes sense, and if it doesn’t than ask me a question and I will explain.

Intake today

B – slept through

L – I had a mini twix at the post office

Pills – 1 zantrax 3, 1 apple cider diet pill, 2 fiber, 2 green tea, 1 gpower, juice plus

D – will be pizza and probubly chocolate. 

I couldn’t sleep yesterday so I took a bunch of nyquil and now I’m dead on my feet.  Ack.  Time to go comment. 

EDIT – I know, folks.  I know it’s bad to eat the pizza.  But I want to celebrate having Holly here like a normal person and I’m going to fast tomorrow in order to try to even things out.  I love fasting, it feels like nothing else.  Thanks for the comments though and if you keep leaving them I will keep leaving you them.