I think I am taking the weekend off.  I know it could ruin everything I’ve done this week, but I need to stop worrying about my body for two days and focus on my family because I won’t see them for a while.  I’m going to eat.  I will exercise.  I will take a few pills.  When I get to school I will be able to concentrate on just school work and my body, but until then I need to have other things on my mind. 

I need support in this because I am having such a bad night.  I feel like a failure.  Lindsay Lohan wouldn’t do this, would she?  Maybe she would.  I don’t know.  I’m tired of thinking but I can’t sleep. 

Well, I didn’t wake up to work out because I went to bed around 2 and 6 hours is not good enough for me.

I will work out later.  And thank you everyone who left me comments.  I won’t throw up.  It is just too gross.  The thought of throwing up makes me feel like gagging.  If that makes sense.  I will do it the pretty way. 

EDIT – Intake today

B – Slept through

L – A roll, 190 cals

D – Kashi Go Lean, 110 cals

Exercise – 100 cals burned on tread-mill

I got really tired and really stressed today so I didn’t work out as much.  I didn’t eat alot though, which is good.  I did drink alot of water.  I took some of the pills.  No worries.

I like it too…The Pretty Way.

I sometimes think that maybe I should just accept my body the way it is.  Then I remember things like my mother saying that I looked better when I was 5 pounds lighter, even though I haven’t lost that 5 pounds yet.  Ok Mom, this 5 pounds is for you.  Hope you like them. 

The more I think about the Lindsay Lohan bulimia thing the more I feel like throwing up.  I don’t like throwing up at all.  That is the only reason I don’t do it.  Like I really really hate throwing up. 

I might go out to eat with a friend tomorrow.  I will exercise all morning first though.  I’m really excited about that.  I’m tired.  I think the Zantrax did give me some energy, and that is good because now I’m tired at a normal time.  Maybe I can sleep.  Yay for sleep!

My mom is buying me 2 bikinis and a dress thing from Victoria’s Secret’s sale catalog.  They are really cute, I wanted them last year but didn’t have enough money for the original price.  One is a halter and has a red paisley type of print, the other is a string bikini with ruffles in a few places.  Really cute because it’s solid colors instead of all overly girly so the ruffles are understated.  I’m getting it in baby blue.  Or maybe I will pick pink.  Or maybe black like Lindsay Lohan!  I’m so excited!  Def. thinspiration.  I may just take them to my dorm when they are in and put them on the wall so I can constantly look and see what I’m aiming for.  Or I will just take the pictures of them and put them on the wall.  Yeah, that’s not quite as conspicuos. 

I didn’t get enough sleep last night.

Yesterday I had pizza for dinner and it was gross but at least I didn’t have dessert.  Today’s intake so far…

B – none

L – A granola bar, 180 cals

Pills – 1 g power, 2 green tea, 1 zantrax 3

I’m easing into the zantrax because it’s my first time taking it.  And I also got apple cider vinegar pills, and some fiber pills.  I took some fiber last night.  Mmmmm fiber.  I still really want the Lindsay Lohan Vanity Fair issue.  I’m going to hunt for it for a while I can tell.  Maybe they will have it at the pharmacy when I go back to college. 

EDIT – I played with the treadmill and burned off 170 cals.  I know it’s the most random number ever, but I am not used to working out and I don’t want to die yet.  I chose life.  Later I’m having dinner with mom so that will be hopefully under 500 calories.  It’s a stirfry thing that you just heat up on the stove, and maybe I will make it and make sure I get the proper serving size, which would be just 370 calories.  Anywho, I’m going to go hop in the shower.  I smell.

EDIT AGAIN! – I had dinner with mom, ate about 500 calories worth of dinner and m&ms.  I don’t do everything right, I usually mess up worse but thanks for the thought put into the universe.  🙂

INTAKE

B – nothing

L – slept through

D – will be something because mom ruins my days by having us have a family meal.

Yesterday was so good and then last night my mom had us all eat chicken pot pies, which have something like a million cals in them.  Then I had some ice cream and chocolate.  I know it’s bad, but at least now it won’t be there to eat again!  And I worked out every day except today and when we finally move the treadmill inside I will walk for like an hour. 

I went to Walmart with Chrissy today and I will post a list of everything I got when I get back to the dorm because here it is dangerous to have things out in the open because of my mom.  I got alot of stuff.  And a work out DVD.  I love Chris because she is the only person who knows about this stuff that I do that isn’t online.  She is really helpful.  Always supportive.  A big inspiration.  Love her!

Oh yeah, and I went blonde.  Maybe I will post pictures of that too.

EDIT – I just found out about the Lindsay Lohan bulimia thing.  And I went to the store to see if I could get the magazine and THEY DON’T HAVE IT.  Maine is 18 steps behind and it’s making me mad.  I’m going to go listen to her new cd and diy my hair again.  Blonder.  Like hers was. 

And I watched Wedding Crashers and I want to be Rachel MaCadams.  I will be I swear.  Dagnabbit.

EDIT AGAIN! – This is where the pictures of me are at. Take a look see. I’m wearing a hat.