Oh man am I tired!  But I only had honey and water for breakfast (need more honey) and worked out after class.  I always feel like I’m wasteing somthing when I don’t work out before I shower.  Wierd?  yes.  but I don’t care.  Gonna get nekkid and wet!  hahahahah.  Also going to take Chris’s suggestion on the red nails soon.  Mine look like crap.

EDIT  So I took the shower and the workout def. kept me in a good mood but then I talked to the guy I like and I get so wierd with the guys I like!  I act like I’m crazy and trying to be too cool but really it’s because I don’t want them to know how much of an ass I really am.  And I ate lunch.  Oh jeeze.  Time for class.

EDIT AGAIN!!  And then I ate some more.  But tomorrow is another day.  And at least I worked out today.  Yay!!

Yes, I have been eating.

No, I’m not really caring so much at the moment.  I didn’t really work out today but I went for a nice walk and try to keep active.  I also got extra sleep and a really wierd dream so maybe that helps.  Need to go to walmart to get more Green Tea soon. 

Ok, I didn’t eat alot, but I know that when I stop eating I screw with my metabolism and that makes me sick and grouchy so I do what works for me. 

I ate breakfast today.  Wasn’t bad, but I need to buy more water or at least filter some.  I went for a walk last night in the cold to burn off some energy.  I guess there is supposed to be a storm soon, and all the food I have stored up is Ramen and Oatmeal and Granola bars.  And Tea of course. 

I’m excited about January Term.  I guess Gilmore isn’t open for the month so I will be on a crash diet without a choice.  Yee Ha.  Wow I am so not in the mood to type any more.  Guess I’ll stop and do some sort of work out.

EDIT so I worked out and now I’m in a much better mood about writing here.  I did most of my Yoga DVD then I did the dance warm up from Carmen Electra’s Strip Tease Arobics DVD.  Then I weighed myself, and I am 133.0 while on my period.  I think that is pretty darn good considering in bloat and I ate breakfast.  Yay!  Plus getting the comment from Chris earlier made me feel mighty encouraged.  Thank you girl, you always inspire me.

I did not get enough sleep last night.  I went to bed at 12 and my roommate and the people next door kept me up untill 1.30.  I am still sort of really pissed at that, but I know it’s mostly pms so I can’t really do anything about it.  Pick your battles.  Get some advil. 

Had a bagel this morning.  But I’m a social eater, as apposed to the private eater.  I eat with other people and don’t eat when I’m alone, and the private eater is the opposite.  And yet we get along so well. 

Well, lets start with the story, like all of the cool kids do.

I have never been a thin girl.  After a move from mass to maine when I was 11 I gained more weight because, well I don’t even know why.  I guess all I did was sit around and do nothing. 

My family background is one side is rail thin and the other is rather plump.  I got the body that could be thin but has hips and thighs, as did my older sister, but while I am a pear she is a sparkplug.  Just all muscle.  Not fragile tiny, but strong tiny.  Now married and pregnant tiny in hawaii.

I grew up and out and up and out like my family always has, and ended up at the height of 5’6″, and untill I got my braces on the summer before junior year I was in the high 150s for pounds.  I didn’t like it at all, so I just wouldn’t weigh myself.  After the braces and what turned into a liquid diet for half the summer because of the pain, I was around 145, which isn’t alot but everyone noticed.  It felt so good to be seen like that, so I figured well food be damned.  But just because I think it with half my brain doesn’t mean that I can actually get it all the way through the rest of it.  By the end of senior year I was at a steady 142. 

Over the summer I worked out.  I did strange things to not eat and ended up eating anyway.

Then college happened.  Because I don’t have food around and I don’t have as much time to be lazy there is alot of walking and hunger.  But that is good because now I am steadily in the low 130s.  And before christmas break I am going to try to get to the high 120s.  I do yoga, walking, and just bought a strip tease arobic video.  It is kind of retarded but I don’t care much.  And my biggest vice is chocolate.  I do eat the food here, at the cafeteria, but not alot because it’s not very good.  And kids joke that there is laxatives in it because everyone is shitting their brains out, but I don’t mind because that cleans you out.  Quit complaining you might lose weight like me!  I have a thinsperation book, which I started making at the beginning of the summer, a huge art notebook nearly full of pictures.  NO ONE has ever seen it.  NO ONE knows I have it.

I will always be a fat girl in my body, no matter what age I am.   I just want to look in the mirror and see what I think, what I know I could be.  Thin.