Dirty Sean

So far this vacation has been a bust in the food department.  It’s not like I’ve been binge-ing, I just have been eating.  Ugh last night I ate an entire thing of Ben and Jerrys.  Bad idea.

Well, I’m fasting today and keeping myself in my room until there is something to do outside of the house.  I haven’t had a way to work out either except for the punching bag in the basement, but I got some good CDs for Christmas that I can dance like a fool to. 

I have no idea if I made my goal weight because I haven’t weighed myself in a while, and I’m not going to do it here because my mom’s scale is off and she is so skinny it freaks me out.  It is embaressing how she is smaller than I am.  Maybe I should start smoking too…nah.  If I’m going to get sick it might as well be from not eating, not lung cancer. 

I’m going to try to be creative today.  Don’t know how, but I will do something.

EDIT – I wasn’t very creative today.  And I have been fasting for 18 hours and I have decided that the best bet for me is to do alot of fasting unless around the family, when I will eat what I can stand.  And I might have to eat chocolate because I’m going to be on my period and I just want it.  Not binge-ing.  I can’t do that.  I just can’t.  I understand how people could but I just can’t. 

Went to the mall today and might get a few shirts tomorrow.  They are so cute, one of them is so Mischa Barton.  I love her.

Thanks for the comments girls, it really to know that people understand and care.

B – Reese’s puffs

L – Hot Chocolate

S – Chips and Dip, salsa and tortilla chips but only about 200 cal worth

D – TBA

Been cleaning alot, cleaned my room completely, doing laundry and got my hair cut.  Trying to keep busy.  I think I might pick up the bass again, at least the piano while I’m home.

The other day my friend told me that raising an apple over your head 4 times burns 1 cal so I’ve been just moving all the time to burn anything I can.  It makes me into a bit of a spaz and a little hyperactive looking.

And I danced and boxed for about a half hour today so there I guess I worked out a bit. 

Wow today SUCKED with the eating thing.  All grease. 

Ok, it wasn’t as bad as it could have been.  I had a half an omelette and a bit of toast and some potatoe pancake for lunch, then I had an Alex’s pizza for dinner.  But it made me feel pretty sick so tomorrow it may be a fast day.  We will see. 

Better today.

B – hot chocolate

L – some steamed carrots, more hot chocolate

That is it for today.  So far so good!  I’m pretty proud of myself.  Going out to dinner with dad later though.  I can always say I ate something first, no biggie. 

I ate lunch with Him today.  It was good.

EDIT – As good as I was with lunch, there was after.

S – two cubes of chocolate

D – a cup of broccoli soup (sp), half a large roll, not even half of the fish and chips I ordered, and three chocolate chip cookies.  Three letter word for hilarious – DAD.  He will not keep me thin, but cleaning my room will!  So much to do here while I’m home.

I really wish I could stop thinking about Him.  (not my dad, not in the slightest.)

I just found out that one of my oldest and best friends is going to be going to OA meetings.  That is Overeaters Anonymous.  I can’t spell.  I always kind of knew that she was, but I couldn’t say anything.  And sadly it so inspiring to not eat.  At all.  I already ate lunch but now I’m like whoa food?  I don’t think so.

The song Courage by Superchick is about eating disorders.  Check it out if you can.

EDIT – Aly Burns just IMed me and asked me if I was skinny now.  Aparently I mentioned to Devan that I lost weight and she took it as oh she’s skinny now and told Aly and Aly being wonderous and all sorts of good charecteristics asked me about it.

My reaction to this – WHAT THE FUCK.

If people think I’ve gotten skinny then they really have a bad hold on weight loss.  I lost just enough to make people notice and maybe I’m dressing better or something but there is no way I am skinny.  No.  Way. 
Since when do people from back home care about me anyway?  I was never someone you noticed.  No one even realised that I went to college until I came back for a visit a month later.  ‘What do you mean your visiting?  Wait did you go somewhere?’  Yeah I did.  I got a life where I may be alone but at least I’m not in a crowd hating myself like I was back there.  The worst was being invisible no matter how much commotion you were causing.  Even my closest friends had no idea.

What is people biggest misconception about me?  That I’m really like this.  That I’m not always putting on an act no matter where I am because I always am thinking about what other people are thinking.  What is the real me?  Good question, it got lost in the shuffle.