Dirty Sean

My mother and sister are coming up to visit today.  They are about 3 hours late.  It wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t have such a bad night last night.  The guy I was hoping would be my date to the dance isn’t going, and how am I supposed to react?  I really like this guy and all I know is that he isn’t going, and all I’m left to do is assume that it’s because I’m not good enough.  That we don’t have what I thought we might.  And my sister will be here and I thought that would cheer me up but when we talked on the phone instead of being insightful and realizing that maybe more is wrong with me she just tells me to stop being a bitch.  I wasn’t even being that bad, I just don’t know what to do.  Not today, not tomorrow, not with her, not with myself.  This all makes me want to cut myself so that there is something to do with myself.  But I won’t.  Instead I’m not eating untill they take me out to dinner later, which I almost wish they wouldn’t.  I need to get hard core with this, because I’m not.  I lapse all the time.  I’m going to be more disceplined.  I’m going to take control of the only thing I can control.

I took a nap from when I got out of class at 9.40 till 12.55 so I haven’t eaten today so far.  I like that ya’ll.  And I’m not going to untill I have to.  Maybe dinner if I got with Holly and Elise, but for now I’m ok.  Or maybe I will have some honey after I brush my teeth because I get all wierd about my breath.  Meep! 

EDIT – And then I ate a little bit of chocolate (4 squares) and had a cup of corn chowder and green beans for dinner.  Salty chowder, so I’m takin the green tea now.  And that is all so far.  Probubly some chocolate later but not alot.  That isn’t bad for one day. 

Oh man am I tired!  But I only had honey and water for breakfast (need more honey) and worked out after class.  I always feel like I’m wasteing somthing when I don’t work out before I shower.  Wierd?  yes.  but I don’t care.  Gonna get nekkid and wet!  hahahahah.  Also going to take Chris’s suggestion on the red nails soon.  Mine look like crap.

EDIT  So I took the shower and the workout def. kept me in a good mood but then I talked to the guy I like and I get so wierd with the guys I like!  I act like I’m crazy and trying to be too cool but really it’s because I don’t want them to know how much of an ass I really am.  And I ate lunch.  Oh jeeze.  Time for class.

EDIT AGAIN!!  And then I ate some more.  But tomorrow is another day.  And at least I worked out today.  Yay!!

Yes, I have been eating.

No, I’m not really caring so much at the moment.  I didn’t really work out today but I went for a nice walk and try to keep active.  I also got extra sleep and a really wierd dream so maybe that helps.  Need to go to walmart to get more Green Tea soon. 

Ok, I didn’t eat alot, but I know that when I stop eating I screw with my metabolism and that makes me sick and grouchy so I do what works for me. 

I ate breakfast today.  Wasn’t bad, but I need to buy more water or at least filter some.  I went for a walk last night in the cold to burn off some energy.  I guess there is supposed to be a storm soon, and all the food I have stored up is Ramen and Oatmeal and Granola bars.  And Tea of course. 

I’m excited about January Term.  I guess Gilmore isn’t open for the month so I will be on a crash diet without a choice.  Yee Ha.  Wow I am so not in the mood to type any more.  Guess I’ll stop and do some sort of work out.

EDIT so I worked out and now I’m in a much better mood about writing here.  I did most of my Yoga DVD then I did the dance warm up from Carmen Electra’s Strip Tease Arobics DVD.  Then I weighed myself, and I am 133.0 while on my period.  I think that is pretty darn good considering in bloat and I ate breakfast.  Yay!  Plus getting the comment from Chris earlier made me feel mighty encouraged.  Thank you girl, you always inspire me.