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Maybe it’s not an exaggeration.

13 Saturday Aug 2011

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I’ve been reading Ezekiel, and I’ll be the first to admit that it’s a bit of a trip.  It’s one of the books of the bible that make me wonder how the entire old testament can be applicable to our lives now, at least upon first glance.  But I’ve continued reading it, and praying about it, because I got hooked on needing to find something to connect to after Ezekiel was given a scroll from God and told to eat it, and it tasted as sweet as honey in his mouth (Ezekiel 3:3). 
Israel was not behaving itself.  At the time that Ezekiel was called upon to speak for the Lord the people were worshiping idols, and if the passages are being literal in meaning, sacrificing their own children.  The Lord was not having any of this.  He told the people right off, and gave quite a few scenarios of how they would be killed by the sword, dead by famine, and scattered to the wind.  But there is also, randomly thrown in there, a really devastating description of how the Lord loves Jerusalem.

“Later I passed by, and when I looked at you and saw that you were old enough for love, I spread the corner of my garment over you and covered your nakedness.  I gave you my solemn oath and entered into a covenant with you, declares the Sovereign Lord, and you became mine… And your fame spread among the nations on account of your beauty, because the splendor I had given you made your beauty perfect, declares the Sovereign Lord.” – Ezekiel 16:8, 14

As a female this description is beautiful and painful.  I wish that I could correctly explain things in a theological sense, but I’m not thinking about the technicalities today.  I’m thinking about how incredibly tender and loving the Lord is here, to cover his chosen one, to give a solemn oath and covenant that binds eternally, to be called mine by God… That is incredible.  And to think, that in order to have beauty made perfect one simply soaks themselves in the presence of God… so simple.  It’s so much love that it physically hurts me to think about it.  Especially when I continue reading.

“Your older sister was Samaria, who lived to the north of you with her daughters; and your younger sister, who lived to the south of you with her daughters, was Sodom.  You not only walked in their ways and copied their detestable practices, but in all your ways you soon became more depraved than they.  As surely as I live, declares the Sovereign Lord, your sister Sodom and her daughters never did what you and your daughters have done…Bear your disgrace, for you have furnished some justification for your sisters.  Because your sins were more vile than theirs, they appear more righteous than you.  So then, be ashamed and bear your disgrace, for you have made your sisters appear righteous.” – Ezekiel 16:46-48, 52

Oh, the black and wicked depths of my heart. 
When we as christians sin we disgrace ourselves, yes.  But what I’m really not happy about is that our impressions left on the world make our continual fight against darkness, constant struggle to spread the gospel and to exemplify Christ in the world just another cause.  When someone doesn’t understand what it’s like to have a relationship with Christ they see our lifestyles, our choices, to be like one of a vegetarian.  “If it makes you feel good… go for it, but I could never have that kind of self-discipline.”  And when we sin and make a laughing-stock of our God we are judged so much harder than those that have luke-warm religious tendencies because we’re supposed to be setting the standard high for purity, not for depravity.  We give the world a difference in our behavior to the extreme that they are disgusted by us.  They aren’t the only ones.  God wants us to do the walk of shame.  He wants us to bear the consequences of our actions.  He wants us to walk out of his city, carrying a rock in our chests, and to shoulder the weight of our sins.  Our actions, and our hearts, disgust him.
I’ve had a strange day.  I’ve been working a lot, stressing a lot, and there are a few places in my life where I’m feeling enormously unsure.  Where I used to be able to say with confidence that I belonged I can’t talk about because the insecurity I feel makes me sick to my stomach.  And reading this, and realizing how very much like these people I am, how many idols I have set up in my heart and how hard it becomes… I felt like shit today.  But I went on some random website and they were posting up wallpapers of one simple verse, one simple fact that reminds me of what is important.

“You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly.  Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, thought for a good man someone might possibly dare to die.  But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”  – Romans 5:6-8

No matter where I stand in this world all that matters is whose word I am standing on.  And according to the new testament, I have a hope of experiencing the beautiful love that was lavished upon the Lord’s chosen one.

“Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand.  And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God.”  – Romans 5:1&2

Heart Surgery Sucks.

12 Tuesday Jul 2011

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Today while at work I started thinking about some of the things in my life that are unsolved mysteries, and I am proud to say that I did not get anxious!  I didn’t start worrying, I wasn’t fretting over the outcomes to be had, my mind wasn’t focusing on things that were out of my control.  The change would be nice if it weren’t for how I was feeling. 

My chest doesn’t feel like caving in, it feels like it’s holding itself up while a series of explosions go off on the inside.  Inside the hollow my heart is hiding in the bleakly and depressingly bare topography, clinging to sanity with the hope that these explosions will stop at some point, that the pain is temporary and will produce a miracle, and above all its really, really hurt.  Since it’s not usually in this situation, generally my little heart pick itself up, dusting off the rubble, holding itself up to look pain in the face and ask for it’s worst.  But not this time.  It feels like it’s been cut off from food, water, and help.  Like it’s crying, bleeding out on the battle field and if it could move, it wouldn’t. 

I’ve come to a spot in my life where I’m inconsolably and devastatingly unhappy.  And I really do feel that my heart is this wounded soldier, not even caring anymore about the battle or the war or their outcomes, just about somehow giving in to this pain. 
It’s not even relief that I want, it’s to give in.  And that says something to me that I wish I didn’t have to hear. 
Because I’m ornery.  That means combative and stubborn.  I don’t like being told what to do.  I don’t like being told I’m wrong.  I’m proud, I’m angry, I’m selfish, I’m ungrateful, I’m rude, I do stupid things to get attention, I doubt, I worry, I lust, I hurt people I love… I’m just so sinful.
But I’ve given over the condition of my heart to God, and he’s the one that’s brought me to this place of pain.  What I need isn’t to escape but to embrace, to be reshaped and to have God, the Holy Spirit, and Christ working on my case. 

“Behold, blessed is the one whom God reproves;
   therefore despise not the discipline of the Almighty.
For he wounds, but he binds up;
   he shatters, but his hands heal.”  – Job 5:17-18

So while God keeps me alive, gives my heart strength to survive this process, Christ will be interceding for me, the same way he did in the garden.

“Sanctify them in the truth; your word is truth.”  – John 17:7

And while God and Christ Jesus are working in these and so many awesome ways, the Holy Spirit will be with me, in me, and comforting and counseling my heart with words of truth.

“When the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all the truth, for he will not speak on his own authority, but whatever he hears he will speak, and he will declare to you the things that are to come.  He will glorify me, for he will take what is mine and declare it to you.  All that the Father has is mine; therefore I said that he will take what is mine and declare it to you.”  – John 16:13-15

The mystery and majesty of the Holy Trinity of Awesome makes my head spin, because I can see them each in different roles, yet I know and see that they are all one, shifting and merging.  The most enormous comfort I can feel right now is that while my heart is in pain, it’s also in refuge.

For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence,
   for my hope is from him.
He only is my rock and my salvation,
   my fortress; I shall not be shaken.
On God rests my salvation and my glory;
   my mighty rock, my refuge is God.
Trust in him at all times, O people;
    pour out your heart before him;
   God is a refuge for us.

Psalm 62:5-8

The Lord knows exactly how hurt, how wounded, how self-destructive my heart is.  In fact, he knows everything about me, and he still is chosing to take care of me, guard me from so much worse.  I have and continue to hand myself over to the only one true God that it will ever know, the one that has proven himself over and again, and will continue to do so forever.  Instead of living in the pain I’m going to live in the truth: My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.  (Psalm 73:26)

Corgi Pic Makes Me Feel Better.

23 Thursday Jun 2011

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Sometimes days start with the feeling that nothing could go wrong only to move into the territory of everything going wrong and end in the realization that everything can go wrong and I have no control over anything.
That is how today went.  I might actually blame it on my breakfast.  I went to Dunkin Donuts and pondered the breakfast sandwich selection.  Normally I go straight for a Sausage-Egg-and-Cheese on an English muffin.  It’s easy to eat and keeps me full for about 3 hours.  This morning though, I was in the mood for a change.  I needed something lighter, something that was as substantial but a different texture… and I chose not my regular order, but a Bacon-Egg-and-Cheese on a croissant.  Perhaps I chose that particular sandwich because it reminds me of the camp I was a counselor at, which I’ve been discussing with others a bit recently.  It was delicious and I felt as though the world held new possibilities just waiting to be awoken with my presence!  Little did I know that the day would present obstacles that I was not intending to encounter. 
After a good morning at work the second shift crew came in and for reasons I don’t feel like typing out I because agitated, feeling as many things as possible that have no evidentiary support aside from my feelings, which I well know are prone to wander into the unreasonable.  I tried to focus on the positive and found myself feeling even less at ease, leaving at the time alloted and stewing over it for a few hours.  After a few conversations in which I tried and failed to not have the work situation bother me, someone mentioned to me that I need to walk with the gospel of peace.  This is the second time someone has mentioned this specifically in a conversation I’ve been a part of, and the first time I was engaged in the conversation merely pondering the meaning and understanding that it is something I struggle with regularly. 

“Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand…your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.” – Ephesians 6:13&15

I got to clean my room, putting a huge sign up on my wall to remind me that I have a goal of some sort that seems unattainable and might not be, and spent the rest of the night enjoying the company of Ginger Rogers, a wonderful and dear girl I’ve been friends with for a while and am constantly finding myself loving and praying over.  She is also a dancer, hence the nick name Ginger Rogers.  She recently admitted to having a problem with consistent drug abuse, and she asked at one point if I minded if she smoked up before we sat down to watch Pretty Little Liars (Toby and Spencer? I knew it!!!).  She asked for my honesty, and so I said if you smell like weed I’m going to be pissed off.  She didn’t do it, respecting my deep disdain for the drug.  After the show she dropped me off at my place.
I walked into my room and I swear; it was like walking into a brick of Mary Jane’s finest, all up in my room.  The windows are closed and the air conditioner is going, but there is a vent to the room below mine, which houses a middle-aged man who does partake in the drug that has a stench that induces vomit in me.  My room reeked. 
And in that moment I had a bit of clarity.  The point was two-fold, one part of which I tell others on a regular basis because it’s such a strong presence in my life: I must do what I do in the best way I can, with the most Godly of purposes, to my best ability and with the correct motivations, everything else is up to God.  (Of course, He is the only reason I can do anything, so please don’t misunderstand.  Without His help I cannot do anything, much less correctly.)  The second was a bit smack in the brain from the H.Sizzle, also known as the Holy Spirit.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” – John 16:33 (Special shout out to the wonderful woman who put together our little gifts at the women’s retreat!  My verse card was labeled inspiration, and this was the verse.  Both exactly what I needed.)

Sometimes, at the end of the day it feels like I just can’t win.  But, God has promised that when everything, the days, nights, years, and breathes of each living being, ends… I will be a victor.  And these moments, this moment when I feel that I can’t fight the right way, I’m not doing something right because I wouldn’t be feeling so hurt by what could be nothing or feeling so unappreciated because I don’t fish for compliments, or feeling so abandoned because someone doesn’t text back immediately, or feeling so attacked specifically because exactly what I want to get away from is in my home, this moment where I hit my breaking point is full of the most incredibly peaceful silence in my preciously reeling mind.  Were it not for the love of my savior, Jesus Christ, I would have no place to turn to find any sort of shelter in what feels like a storm of shit.  No matter what comes at me in the day, co-workers or smelly rooms or bad moods or thoughtless actions, I am still covered in the grace of my Lord.  And no matter what I’ve experienced in that day, if I take a moment to look past the parts that are bothering me hardest I will find so many sweet gifts and treasures.  I had a great respite with Tink earlier, getting to just chill out and watch The Office.  I got to talk to her dad and encourage him and be encouraged.  I got to go for a walk and get espresso and a cookie and pray.  I got to put together a project that might not work, but I’ve tried and that’s all I can really do.  I got to feel pretty, I got to feel loved and cared for, I got to feel protective, I got to feel anything because I’m alive.  And that’s only by the grace of God.
The coolest thing is remembering the following:

  • It’s ok to be a work in progress.
  • I am loved.  Unconditionally.
  • I was blessed with a strong-smelling Pear and sandalwood candle.
  • God has promised me something.  (“But he knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold.” – Job 23:10)
  • God doesn’t back out on His promises.  (“He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus” – Philippians 1:6)

Whatever trials are happening are for my benefit, and after coming through as God’s appointed for this specific time and place and battle, I will be as gold.  I will be His trophy, shining and reflecting His glory.
So I will go in to work tomorrow, not trying to complete projects but do my job well.  And I will pray for my friends and for the people who I may not know in order to live according to God’s commands.  And I will face the day expecting the worst and hoping to give the most Christlike reactions.  And I will dare to get another Bacon-Egg-and-Cheese on a croissant, because it was seriously delicious.

Learning New Things All The Time.

14 Thursday Apr 2011

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I had a dream a few nights ago that I believe is a word from God.  This dream is not to be confused with the one I had a few weeks ago in which my friend Lumberjack had shaved his face and the next time I saw him his face was clean-shaven.  That was eerily prophetic.

A man and his friend were getting their mail, they were middle-aged and the man who was getting his mail was a former sinner, the good old-fashioned kind that drank too hard and treated people he loved with anger, lashing out at them.  He has been saved, and was glad to find in the mail a check from someone who had agreed to sponsor his new business venture.  He told his friend that he was going to just have the one sponsor, because while he needed more money he had given the situation over to God and he would work hard to make what he received this month last until next month.  Then he noticed that he had another piece of mail, and it was a check for $10,000, double what his sponsor has agreed to give him a month to help him put together his venture.  He started rejoicing, his friend joining him, thanking God.  Then he found more mail, and I knew that he was receiving more of these checks, which were each spontaneous donations from believers that felt compelled by the spirit to help this man begin a new life by showing him the provision of God.
I was not inside this part of the dream, I was watching with God.  He had taken me to this place to show me what he had given the man.  I was watching and I was cool with the man having a sponsor, but when God started giving him more checks I got self-righteous and judgmental.  I didn’t say it out loud in the dream, because I didn’t want to actually tell God that I didn’t think this man really needed so much money at this time, because he had a past of using his money for things that were… bad.  I thought that maybe it would have been wiser for God to give him installments. 
But God knew exactly what I was thinking, and while he was providing check upon check for this man he was laughing and excited.  He turned to me while the men were rejoicing and said “Don’t you see?  I want to give you what you ask for.  I know this man’s heart, and I trust him with my gifts.  His heart has been cleaned, it is clean while asking me for the ability to create his new business that I gave him the idea for.  I have given him these things and now he knows me.”
In all honesty, I’m not sure if God said these words exactly, but I know it was something close to it that he imprinted on my heart because as I was sliding through the haze towards conscious thought I got this big call in my spirit that said “This is a word from God“.  This woke me up at 3:30am, and since I was tired and lazy I stayed in my sleepiness and prayed and after a few hours fell back asleep.
Thoughts, Revelations, and Why I Believe this was a Word from God:

  • I was strongly convicted of the judgment in my heart.  Who am I to ever even think that God is foolish? 
  • In being strongly convicted of my sinful heart, I felt his grace during the dream on a large-scale.  It was like understanding that while God knew I felt bad about being sinful in that moment he filled me with the knowledge of his grace for me and spoke what was important into my heart.
  • God is the God of second chances, of redemption, of kindness.  And he wants to be all of that for us now.
  • Matthew 7 says to recognize whether or not something is healthy by its fruit.  During the time after this dream I have been spending time in the word because I want to know more of God, I have been worshiping, and I have been praying that God does a work in my heart that it will be more like his for people, even the ones that I sinfully cannot find any way to love.
  • The dream does convict me, but it also exhorts me to live like this man who I was judgmental towards: putting all hope, all trust, all plans at the foot of the cross and rejoicing in whatever it is that we receive from our Lord.
  • 1 John 4:2&3 – “By this you know the Spirit of God: every spirit that confesses that Jesus Christ has come in the flesh is from God, and every spirit that does not confess Jesus is not from God.”   The dream was an illustration of how God not only wants to give us a new life, but we have one because of his son.  The man in my dream had given his heart over to Christ and had turned from his ways of a sinner in order to have the new life promised through the blood. 

Trust in the LORD, and do good;
   dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness.
 Delight yourself in the LORD,
   and he will give you the desires of your heart.  – Psalm 37:3&4

This verse combined with the story in Luke of the sinful woman who washed the feet of Christ with her tears and her hair assure my spirit that I’m not going completely crazy.  This dream agrees with the scriptures, and speaks to their truth.  It has been a light to the darkness in my heart, shown me the depths of God’s mercy and grace, and how much he wants to give to his children. 

“You did not anoint my head with oil, but she has anointed my feet with ointment. Therefore I tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven—for she loved much. But he who is forgiven little, loves little.” And he said to her, “Your sins are forgiven.”  – Luke 7:46-48

80’s Christian Rock at it’s gnarliest.

06 Wednesday Apr 2011

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This week our bible study leader went on vacation, and I had to work.  We both missed bible study!  I wasn’t happy about it, in fact I rued the day I picked my job!  But I felt better later with a little TLC from a few very wonderful people, and the kid that got to deliver a message this week gave me the rundown of what he was going to talk about.  This kid (man, dude, dude-man?) is something else, I’ll call him Sailor because he’s got something to do with the Coast Guard or something.  I think.  Sailor is one part opinionated hipster glasses, one part incredible teachings and one part snark, all wrapped up in a ginger.  When he told me about what he’d be teaching on it got me thinking, and so I will give a briefing and my thoughts on the topic.
When Sailor said he was teaching on the tabernacle I looked like…..

And when he said he was using Proverbs, Ecclesiastes and the Song of Solomon to explain a bunch of things I looked like…..

But when he put it all together I got it!  But I digress.
When the Israelites got out of Egypt they were so happy then so hungry then so thirsty then so content then made an idol then nearly got smote a few times.  Somewhere in there God had them build him a tabernacle, a place for his essence to reside with his people.  There was a whole system for it, and I admit I’m no scholar so if I get things wrong please correct me, from the outer courts and sacrifices to the inner court and preparation, then only the priest was allowed in to the holy of holies.  There was a massive amount of tradition, ritual, and other crazy stuff involved, and if the priest had done something incorrectly or was holding back sin in his heart he got straight up smote!  If I grew up with that I would have a pants-wetting problem all the time just remembering God was in that thing. 
When Christ came, saw, and conquered death the Israelites were still using this same system.  The inner courts and the holy of holies was divided by a veil or curtain, but when Christ died he broke the curse that condemned man to a life set apart from God, and the veil-curtain-thingy in the temple got ripped in half.  We no longer need an intermediary in the form of a priest to have communion with God!  Sick, I know.

If he were on earth, he would not be a priest, for there are already men who offer the gifts prescribed by the law.  They serve at a sanctuary that is a copy and shadow of what is in heaven. This is why Moses was warned when he was about to build the tabernacle: “See to it that you make everything according to the pattern shown you on the mountain.”  But the ministry Jesus has received is as superior to theirs as the covenant of which he is mediator is superior to the old one, and it is founded on better promises.  – Hebrews 8:4-6

Yay for good news!  Now let’s back-track a little bit to where I mentioned Proverbs, Ecclesiastes, and Song of Solomon.  These three books were written to convey certain things to the Israelites through different relationships, all of which we can find in the Lord.

Proverbs was written as a father teaching a son about life, and it represents the outer courts of the temple.  It is what I would call superficial, a surface level book, in that it is about how we conduct our lives as proper people of God.  It completely made sense to me that a father instructing his son on the way to live a Godly life would be tied to the outer courts, because that is where the people are, where the bringing in of sacrifices happened, most of the interacting with each other. 
In my mind the outer courts and Proverbs are tied into crucifying our flesh with Christ. 

Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires.  – Galatians 5:24

When we are in Christ we are given a new spirit, HIS Spirit, and our actions toward others, the church, God, should reflect the new longing in our hearts to become more and more like our heavenly father.  We find ourselves wanting to do things we know are sinful and turning from them because we have been taught what is right and we don’t want to disappoint the Lord with our actions.

Ecclesiastes, which represents the inner court of the tabernacle, is written as a teacher/pastor to a church.  Ecclesiastes, if you haven’t read it, is full of pondering life and why it’s important and various other things I usually can’t stand, but it also has a lot to say about how life is fleeting and we should enjoy it.  To me, this book feels like guidance of the heart and mind, reminding the Israelites to set their hearts in the right place and to keep their eyes on the ultimate goal as opposed to momentary gains.  The inner courts were a place of preparation, a place where the priest would have to become completely humbled and repentant in his heart in order to move in to the holy of holies.  So I see this book and this area of the tabernacle as being similar in that they are both meant to prepare our hearts for the importance to come, to get us focused and contrite and clean before moving into the intimate place.  A reflection of this relationship is seen not only in Christ Jesus being a teacher and telling really cool parables, but in his gifting of the Holy Spirit.

But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you.  – John 14:26

We have a helper/counselor/teacher/reminder with us always that will gently remind or rebuke our hearts in whatever way it does, pointing us towards the ultimate truth of God’s glory being far more important than anything else.

Song of Solomon was written from the point of view of the Beloved.  It is like reading a conversation between a honeymooning couple, full of sweet, sweet love and a whole ton of intimacy between the two.  Tieing it to the holy of holies, that’s where priests had face time with God.  Also, there’s an “of” between two words in each title. 
Why would a book that sounds like a honeymoon be written to convey face time with God?  That’s strange, right?  Not really. 

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.  In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.  After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body.  “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.  – Ephesians 5:25-32

It’s really stupid, but sometimes I feel bad for God because we sinned in the first place and can’t all get legitimate face time right now.  I know he wants it, I know I want it.  But I remember that his time isn’t like ours, and his wisdom makes our geniuses look handi-capable. 
And while I’m done explaining all of this for the most part, I do want to mention why I spent more time on the outer two courts than the inner-most.  I have found that sometimes I get to the holy of holies in prayer time or worship time and I don’t know how I got there.  I understand that Christ completely nullified the need for any courts at all, but I have found that when I am actively trying to keep to the teachings of each court in my own life (Proverbs being my life with others, Ecclesiastes being my life to myself and where I focus my efforts, Song of Solomon being my spiritual life) I feel like I’m actually trying to be a better, new version of myself that Christ says I am.  It doesn’t happen every day, and I would never say that works get you into heaven, but I would rather please my Father with my actions and enjoy life with a true understanding of why I’m here than ignore what has been passed down to me in the Word.  At the same time, I have to be careful about thinking that anything can make me a little more worthy of the mercy I’ve recieved, and when I sin (which is often) I try to remember that only because of my sin can I experience grace that surpasses my understanding. 
And for a cool tabernacle song, check out this tune.