Confession: Sometimes I think spending time with God is boring.
Don’t give your computer that look, it doesn’t deserve it. I realized this on a walk today because I was talking at God (like I do) about my housing situation and thinking (as opposed to praying) about how I’m really ready for my social life to get back in gear because I get really bored sitting around the tiny apartment I’m staying in and reading the bible. Of course, I’m sitting around and reading the bible because God told me to, but can’t I have a night out? I’m craving mental stimulation! I need a change of scenery! I can’t handle this dilapidated sofa! So these are the things I’m not praying, because God doesn’t want to hear me complain, and all of a sudden I realize: I’m a tool.
There are some very exciting things about being a christian, but one of them is not down time, at least not for me. And of course what has been popping out of the scriptures at me is any verse that references how Christ has given us peace. And every time I see that I think “sure, but I still can’t sleep for shit.” My mind wanders to fantasy land where I look like Blake Lively and BAM! my focus has gone from how great God is to what I’ll look like when my future husband (Josh Hartnett) proposes. (That train of thought doesn’t exactly put me to sleep either though.)
Of course, it’s one of the two verses that are featured in Harry Potter that is calling me back to reality. (Which is another thing I spend WAY too much time thinking about. “Quick quiz self, name all 7 horcruxes! Am I a Hermione or a Ginny? Would Harry have experimented with drugs during his teen years if he were a muggle as opposed to a wizard?”)
Matthew 6:21 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
So while I (at least once daily, if not every few hours) pray that my thoughts are crucified with Christ up on the cross, I still end up going back to the things that are instantly satisfying. Sad fact of the matter (at least to my flesh) is that God isn’t about instant gratification. He wants me to continue pushing towards Him without giving in to distractions of the world, distractions that I am very good at giving in to! So it’s become a constant war against myself, and it’s so epic sometimes that it could be a reality show on MTV (Flesh Boredom VS Spiritual Pursuits: The reality of your divided mind; THERE. ARE. NO. SIDES.). But I am slowly but surely trying to change that, not through my own power by any means, by continuing to turn back to God and keep the conversation going. I am trying to put my attention towards what I need instead of what I want, even if God gets the brunt of my temper-tantrum. (Yes, it’s happened. My flesh gets all insistent and my spirit gets overwhelmed and I cry and want to break things and try to talk my way in and out of things and it’s all because God won’t give me what I want NOW!!!) So while I want to go out for a drink, I try to remember that what I need is to drink the Word. I want to be in a relationship that will lead to marriage. I need to focus on the relationship I already have. I want to rely on my own understanding. I need to keep seeking the wisdom of the Holy Spirit. That way I can continue crying over how stupid people are.