This weekend I went on my church’s annual women’s retreat at salter’s point. It was beautiful, and we were blessed with sunshine so that those who have adventure coursing through their veins could go swimming! Ok, I might not have adventure coursing through my veins but it’s been 2 years since I have had an adequate dippy-dip in the big blue, and I’ve felt like Lindsay Lohan’s hair: dried out and crispy. I went swimming twice, once sort of fully clothed and the other time I had found my swimsuit and proceeded to force mom to imagine I was the little mermaid… old habits die hard I guess.
So that was my personal experience high light of the weekend, and that made me sad. I didn’t expect the same experience as last year, but there wasn’t as much honest reflection with the other women, I wasn’t a huge fan of the DVDs we watched, and I was super exhausted. I’ve gotten into a really bad habit, and I blame myself for being impressionable and the girls I see 5 days a week for doing it first: I’ve been whining like I don’t think I even did as a child. My poor roommate, my mother, had to listen to most of it. Thank God for continuing to do good works in her or she would have slaughtered me. I have been dwelling on the wrong things, and a lot of them were expressed to my mom over the weekend, and surprisingly only to my mom even though I dearly love the rest of the women who came with us as well. The main points that were cyclin through my head were regarding friendships (I feel that I’ve dropped the ball on some, that some friends have dropped the ball on me, and that a montage of all the ball drops in NYC on new years might come close to what I imagine is wrong with my friendships) and of course, my lonesome polecat status (it is difficult to imagine a healthy relationship, and yet I decide on my wedding song as soon as Gavin DeGraw’s first cd came out. For the record, it’s Overrated because it reminds me of McCartney’s Amazed but with better lyrics. Or Stereo Love by Gym Class Heroes featuring Adam Levine.).
So I talked to God about this stuff, and while I thought that I didn’t get much out of the weekend, after a review I realized that I have a refreshed desire for something specifically Christ! I guess I’m just a little slow.
What I have going through my head this morning, and what I want to keep cycling for as long as I can, is the desire, the prayer to see Jesus more, to see his character and works revealed in new ways to me. I want to read his word and get something stunning and securing from it. I want to have his word in my empty spaces, prayer in the times when my mind wanders, and a real desire to be his girl, his ambassador on this earth, in this place where he has placed me for a specific time and reason.
And no, I did not leave for this weekend feeling like this. I am so grateful to have a God that is faithful to refresh me, to persevere me, to listen through my whining to the cries of my heart and to answer them.