"...Staying close to the wall doesn't make us invisible." "Agree to disagree."

Confession: I know what a sin is and still do it.  All.  The.  Time.

One of the worst decisions I have ever made (repeatedly) is allowing myself to stress out about things.  It takes a toll on me mentally, obviously, but it’s incredible trying to understand how my body can react so strongly to the emotions that aren’t supposed to be connected to it.  I lose any ability to sleep, start breaking out like a 14-year-old and bear the weight of the world directly on my back, which leads to a weird semi-hunch.  Basically I become a zombie that doesn’t eat flesh but would love a stick in the brain to get put out of its misery.  And all of this is because I’m stressing, which is a sin.
I realized that stressing over things was sinful a while ago, but I didn’t pay much attention to the epiphany.  I didn’t care.  I wasn’t on speaking terms with God.  But now that I am I have been trying to walk by faith, and not by sight, so that I can find out what God wants to do with me.  It’s been an incredible experience and sadly I messed it up a little because I allowed myself to hit a stress level that could only be classified as code purple.  If I chose to go into my reasons for stressing out I’m pretty sure there would be no intervention to save me from myself and my worrying, but I can already see from barely 48 hours of indulging in my sinful nature that it’s not useful or helpful. 
Back to my point, stressing out is sinful because when we stress we are usually not caring if God has a good plan; we’re just sure that he forgot all about us and we are going to be on our own, or his plan sucks and ours is going to be a lot better if only we could get some control over the situation at hand.  Instead of spending out time with him we spend our time trying to figure things out ourselves because we feel that we are the only ones that care about ourselves.  This is a direct contradiction to everything that we say we believe as christians, because when one decides to follow Christ there is supposed to be an understand that Christ loves us so much that he died for us, and now he is using our lives to glorify him.  If I stress (which I do) I am not trusting that God will pull through in the clutch, or that he has a plan that is better than mine, implicating that I don’t believe he has a hand in the situation and that I know better than he does. 

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.  Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.  Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.  Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings.  And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.  To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.  – 1 Peter 5:6-11

I believe that when it comes to stressing out there is a need to humble oneself in order to make things right with God.  My favorite definition of humble that I have found is for using it as a verb, so to humble would mean to destroy the power, independence, or prestige of.  Doesn’t that ring so true for what we need to do to ourselves in order to be under God’s mighty hand?  We should be destroying the power, independence and prestige of our human nature, our pride, our wicked hearts, casting all of our anxieties on God and believing in his promise to pull through, not just because he’s God and can do it but because he cares about us so much that he wants to help.
In my life that last part has been a real big problem.  It’s not that I don’t believe he knows best, it’s always been about not wanting him to love me so much because I’m pretty sure I suck.  I’m a christian that loves Jesus and smokes cigarettes, I read the bible and drink to get drunk sometimes, I love people and can insult them at the same time!  I’ve spent years being sure that I’m on my own, that if I just turn far enough away all the things I’ve been doing will get back to God and he’ll cut me off and that’ll be that.  I can go become a bartender/waitress living in a trailer in some random town in Utah while constantly bringing home and accidentally killing random hamsters in between my unprotected sexy-times with strangers that I bring back from the bar I frequent in order to be drunk at work.  Apparently this isn’t the plan God has for me because instead of cutting me off he just pulled out a classic war maneuver, cutting off all my resources and forcing me back to him.  I finally got to the point where I can humble myself for him, which I like to refer to as getting over myself, and then get back to my roots by stressing out over things.  I think that is because there is nothing quite as scary and amazing as hoofing it down his path instead of blazing a trail of my own, and I need to continue without giving in to the doubts and fears.  Simply put, there is a far better payout from doing things his way.

Before I get into my current bible-time-induced report I’d like to take a moment to give a quick rundown of why I won’t be updating much for the next week or so.  I’m going to be working, yes, but I’m also going to be taking a trip back to the homestead to see the family and my adorable puppy, then I will be going on a trip this weekend.  Hopefully home will be nice and comforting, and the trip will go well.  It kind of sucks though, because after I get back I’ll be working four days in a row and missing bible study again, this time two weeks in a row.  Thankfully I got to go last night, I even got to pray for my mother’s dog to get pregnant.  Now that is how you end prayer time.
I’ve been coming back to a certain story repeatedly the past few weeks.  It is from Exodus 33, verses 12-23, and it’s titled “Moses and the Glory of the Lord”.  This is a random read for me in the first place, so the fact that it keeps coming back to mind is encouraging me to chew on it even more. 
Here’s the story: 

Moses said to the LORD, “You have been telling me, ‘Lead these people,’ but you have not let me know whom you will send with me. You have said, ‘I know you by name and you have found favor with me.’  If you are pleased with me, teach me your ways so I may know you and continue to find favor with you. Remember that this nation is your people.”
The LORD replied, “My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.”
Then Moses said to him, “If your Presence does not go with us, do not send us up from here.  How will anyone know that you are pleased with me and with your people unless you go with us? What else will distinguish me and your people from all the other people on the face of the earth?”
And the LORD said to Moses, “I will do the very thing you have asked, because I am pleased with you and I know you by name.”
Then Moses said, “Now show me your glory.”
And the LORD said, “I will cause all my goodness to pass in front of you, and I will proclaim my name, the LORD, in your presence. I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion.  But,” he said, “you cannot see my face, for no one may see me and live.”
Then the LORD said, “There is a place near me where you may stand on a rock.  When my glory passes by, I will put you in a cleft in the rock and cover you with my hand until I have passed by.  Then I will remove my hand and you will see my back; but my face must not be seen.”

Moses is having a conversation with the Lord, and he’s a sassy guy so he gets on the Lord’s case about what He’s said and how it will come to pass.  The Lord gives him all the right answers, reassuring him, but it seems to me that for Moses it wasn’t enough.  Maybe Moses didn’t want just words, didn’t want to be placated.  Maybe he needed, on that human level that argues against faith, to know beyond the shadow of a doubt that the Lord loved him enough to give him what he wanted, which was to see the Glory of the Lord. 
When I consider this story I get two messages.  First, Moses was a brave mo-fo.  He and God were really close, yes, he was the only one to spend time with Him face to face according to the verses preceding this story.  Even so, that wasn’t enough for him on this day.  He told God not to forget about what He had promised.  He told Him not to bother moving the people if He wasn’t going with them, and he told God why it was a stupid idea in the first place.  God’s response was along the lines of “I know.  I’ll be there, I like you.”  Then Moses demanded to be shown the Glory of God.  Demanded.  He didn’t say “please, someday when I’ve done all that you’ve asked of me, will you show me your toenail?  I’d really like a sneak peek.”  No, he wanted to see more than was dignified of him to want to see and he wanted to see it right now.  And in his wild expectancy he got what he asked for.  He decided he wanted God to do something magnificent, extravagant, life-threatening, wonderous, and he was rewarded for having the balls to ask. 
Maybe that is something I need to be focusing on a little more, expecting God to provide or give what I need or want, even if it seems to be too much for me to even ask.  I have been trying to pray confidently, and I don’t beat around the bush when it comes to what I want from God (y’all should hear me pray about my future husband).  I’m direct and I believe that He will come through and prove Himself, but I might need to think on a larger scale.  Might.
Second, I am in awe of the Lord’s tenderness towards Moses.  He can’t show him His face because he would die, and He has work for Moses to do, and so He shows him what he is able to handle.  He places him in safety, the cleft in the rock, and covers him with His hand to keep him safe. 
I like that.  I like that God decided to do something potentially dangerous as a gift to someone who had His favor but did His part to ensure his safety as well.  Thankfully Moses was good with direction, because he did his part to keep himself safe as well, trusting that God was giving him instruction for his own good.  Maybe that’s something I should be keeping in mind, that God sometimes gives us crazy-dangerous situations, but will give us instruction on how to come out unscathed.  All it takes on our part is the asking and the obedience.

 
I have been feeling far too human these days.  And by human, I mean angry, envious, greedy, and all those wonderfully delicious sinful emotions that I’ve been trying to step away from.  I have good reasons too! 

• There is such a thing as encouragement, but what I usually get is nagging. 
• My living situation is on shaky ground, which is because I can’t find a place to live.
• My job is going well but I am missing Bible Study on a regular basis.
• There are people in my life that are acting like teen-age girls and I want to bitch-slap the bitch out of them.
• I am lonely.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not afraid of the situation I’m in, and while some people hate change I actually enjoy it.  But I also really like stability, and that’s not something that is very prevalent in my life right now.  I am very aware that if the tension where I’m staying keeps escalating there will be a problem, and I’m aware that I am responsible for my part of things.  I am also aware of not really seeing a way out today, and considering I can’t help but take things one day at a time it seems to bring out the worst in me at the worst times. 
Today I read Isaiah 49:1-7:

Listen to me, you islands;
   hear this, you distant nations:
Before I was born the LORD called me;
   from my mother’s womb he has spoken my name.
He made my mouth like a sharpened sword,
   in the shadow of his hand he hid me;
he made me into a polished arrow
   and concealed me in his quiver.
He said to me, “You are my servant,
   Israel, in whom I will display my splendor.”
But I said, “I have labored in vain;
   I have spent my strength for nothing at all.
Yet what is due me is in the LORD’s hand,
   and my reward is with my God.”
And now the LORD says—
   he who formed me in the womb to be his servant
to bring Jacob back to him
   and gather Israel to himself,
for I am honored in the eyes of the LORD
   and my God has been my strength—
he says:
“It is too small a thing for you to be my servant
   to restore the tribes of Jacob
   and bring back those of Israel I have kept.
I will also make you a light for the Gentiles,
   that my salvation may reach to the ends of the earth.”

This is what the LORD says—
   the Redeemer and Holy One of Israel—
to him who was despised and abhorred by the nation,
   to the servant of rulers:
“Kings will see you and stand up,
   princes will see and bow down,
because of the LORD, who is faithful,
   the Holy One of Israel, who has chosen you.”

Has anyone else noticed that God likes to remind us that He created us?  As it says, “He who formed me in the womb” and all that.  I have noticed, because someone else pointed it out, and I am finding it a great comfort today. 
The writer of this calls for an audience and then proclaims that he was called by the Lord while in the womb, expounding upon how God likes to remind us that He created us and chose us before there was even a sea monkey in mom’s belly.  And then, even though in verse 4 he tells God that he has lived this life for nothing, in verse 2 he goes on and on about how God created, fashioned and hid him so that he could be used as a weapon in the hands of the Lord.  It may be that the writer was trying to be humble when he was saying in verse 4 that he had been a nothing and nobody, but it feels to me like something hopeful and terrified.  It’s a hopeful thing to say that God has made you with a purpose, to use you as a weapon (sharpened sword = truth.  I’ll bet this guy was a talker.) because if it hasn’t happened and it doesn’t happen it’s embarrassing.  He was speaking something into being that may not have even happened yet, but in faith so that God would prove Himself.  And while it’s so easy to speak things into being that we want to have happen and getting excited about what we are to be used for, there’s always the human side that says we don’t deserve it.  This guy had that human side, obviously, admitting to having wasted his life and “labored in vain”.  But the redemption in this verse is the last two lines, where he turns it from a pity party into a prayer, saying “Yet what is due me is in the Lord’s hand, and my reward is with my God.” 
Now that is speaking in faith, giving up everything that has been and will be to the Lord.  He doesn’t ask God for a reward, but he knows that there is one because God is gracious and merciful and loves us more than we deserve.  That is something that I’ve been trying to do for a while, and something I encourage others to do as well.  It gets really hard to go around life assuming that we will get the worst when God wants to give us His best.  So today I am going to try to act like I’m believing it, I’m going to speak it into being, I’m going to remember that He made me and fashioned me to be a tool of His design.  And I’m going to kick ass.

Confession:  Sometimes I think spending time with God is boring. 

Don’t give your computer that look, it doesn’t deserve it.  I realized this on a walk today because I was talking at God (like I do) about my housing situation and thinking (as opposed to praying) about how I’m really ready for my social life to get back in gear because I get really bored sitting around the tiny apartment I’m staying in and reading the bible.  Of course, I’m sitting around and reading the bible because God told me to, but can’t I have a night out?  I’m craving mental stimulation!  I need a change of scenery!  I can’t handle this dilapidated sofa!  So these are the things I’m not praying, because God doesn’t want to hear me complain, and all of a sudden I realize: I’m a tool. 
There are some very exciting things about being a christian, but one of them is not down time, at least not for me.  And of course what has been popping out of the scriptures at me is any verse that references how Christ has given us peace.  And every time I see that I think “sure, but I still can’t sleep for shit.”  My mind wanders to fantasy land where I look like Blake Lively and BAM! my focus has gone from how great God is to what I’ll look like when my future husband (Josh Hartnett) proposes.  (That train of thought doesn’t exactly put me to sleep either though.)
Of course, it’s one of the two verses that are featured in Harry Potter that is calling me back to reality.  (Which is another thing I spend WAY too much time thinking about.  “Quick quiz self, name all 7 horcruxes!  Am I a Hermione or a Ginny?  Would Harry have experimented with drugs during his teen years if he were a muggle as opposed to a wizard?”)

Matthew 6:21 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

So while I (at least once daily, if not every few hours) pray that my thoughts are crucified with Christ up on the cross, I still end up going back to the things that are instantly satisfying.  Sad fact of the matter (at least to my flesh) is that God isn’t about instant gratification.  He wants me to continue pushing towards Him without giving in to distractions of the world, distractions that I am very good at giving in to!  So it’s become a constant war against myself, and it’s so epic sometimes that it could be a reality show on MTV (Flesh Boredom VS Spiritual Pursuits: The reality of your divided mind; THERE. ARE. NO. SIDES.).  But I am slowly but surely trying to change that, not through my own power by any means, by continuing to turn back to God and keep the conversation going.  I am trying to put my attention towards what I need instead of what I want, even if God gets the brunt of my temper-tantrum. (Yes, it’s happened.  My flesh gets all insistent and my spirit gets overwhelmed and I cry and want to break things and try to talk my way in and out of things and it’s all because God won’t give me what I want NOW!!!)  So while I want to go out for a drink, I try to remember that what I need is to drink the Word.  I want to be in a relationship that will lead to marriage.  I need to focus on the relationship I already have.  I want to rely on my own understanding.  I need to keep seeking the wisdom of the Holy Spirit.  That way I can continue crying over how stupid people are.