This is a short one, but that’s fine.  Right?  Right.

According to an online dictionary, the definition of suffer as a intransitive verb is to endure death, pain, or distress, as well as to sustain loss or damage.   As a transitive verb the definition is to submit to or be forced to endure, to feel keenly, labor under, undergo, experience, put up with especially as inevitable or unavoidable.
There are many things I have been blessed to not go through in life, and there are things I have been through that I look back on and cringe at.  But for some reason, no matter what I’ve gone through, I never considered suffering to be a part of the equation.  Suffering is what people in worse situations do, what whiners do, what selfless martyrs do, not what I do.  I always relate the word to the process of dying, not for the person dying but for those that are in their lives that love them or have to watch.  Yet, for some reason, the horrible and horrific things that others go through personally that I can’t imagine are things that I feel the word suffering is too weak for.  They go through seriously painful, bone tearing things and I don’t think suffering describes it well enough.  But apparently it does.
Suffering is a weird concept for me because when it comes down to it I think we are all suffering all the time.  Some go through real hardships that change their lives in the wink of a frog, but some have things that they are forced to endure for long amounts of time that shape their lives slowly, like a river to the land.
David had a house full of suffering when his baby died.  In 2 Samuel it tells the story of how not only he was struck with the heartache and grief of losing a child, but his new wife was too.  And she was most likely a hot mess considering he had just taken her off her roof to have sex with her then killed her husband to cover the fact that she had gotten pregnant and now the child was dead.  Not to mention that the child had to go through (I think) a week of being sick and dying before he actually died.  That is the kind of situation that strikes quickly and leaves suffering in it’s wake.
But I think that we all suffer in our own ways each day, on the other side of the spectrum.  Maybe someone’s boss is verbally abrasive.  Maybe a family is full of turmoil.  Maybe a best friend is hooked on drugs.  Maybe someone is illiterate.  Maybe someone feels lonely.  These are all things that we endure and experience, things that fit under the definition of suffering.
And the bible has words for each aching heart, each suffering soul.

“The godless in heart harbor resentment;
even when he fetters them, they do not cry for help.
They die in their youth,
among male prostitutes of the shrines.
But those who suffer he delivers in their suffering;
he speaks to them in their affliction.
He is wooing you from the jaws of distress
to a spacious place free from restriction,
to the comfort of your table laden with choice food. ” –  Job 36:13-16

So maybe some of this is my fight against myself to prove that what feels to me like suffering that I refuse to think of as suffering (because suffering is worse than my pathetic problems) is actually valid suffering.  Also, through the past two weeks of thinking and talking about suffering this part of the concept hasn’t been breached to my knowledge.  Maybe by broadening the term we can give comfort to those who are suffering in the hard cases and those who feel like they are in constant struggles.  Both sides will feel drained, and we should spoon feed them the Word and chicken noodle soup.

I don’t have the internet in my new place.  It’s a pain in the neck, but it’s also good to have to find other things to do.  Now, on to my story of the day.

Today I made a special trip to see Tink, as I have the day off and she’s leaving for a week to go to Nicaragua on a missions trip and I wanted to make sure to get some quality Tink-Dirty time before she headed out.  She and I ended up taking a walk and talking for a bit about insecurity and how it can lead us to believing that our identity and worth can be found in other people.  We shared parts of our past we’ve felt effected us in negative ways and discussed how easy it is to feel that past sins can define us more than our current relationships with Christ.  At one point she asked me about a term I was throwing around, because it’s one of the many terms that “born and bred” christians hear over and over without entirely knowing the meaning.  This gave me the opportunity to share what it means to me and try to explain it to her, so I’ll share my thoughts on it here as well.

My thoughts on “Finding Our Identity In Christ”

I have found that I search for ways to define myself in everything.  I like to put people and me in categories, always trying to figure out what type of person I am.  I also find it easier to put my worth in the words of people than in the word of God, since I like instant gratification and people.  It’s a nasty habit, as it leads to constantly trying to be what others will find acceptable or extraordinary.  I’ve done many things and most likely will do many things because of the reactions I knew would be gleaned, and they make me feel good, worthy, accepted.
But when there is no one to give accolades, no person to tell me what I did is cool or what I said was funny or what I’m wearing is adorable, I’m left with the question of my worth being answered with the devil’s hissing lies.  I hear in the silence of an unanswered text that I’m not worth typing to.  I hear in the absence of an invitation out that people don’t want my company, and I fill in the blanks as to why.
These answers are not the truth. My identity, my worth, is not something I can find through the eyes and words of other people.  What is true, always, is the word of God. He found me worthy before I was thought of to kill his son in order to give me life. He knew me in the womb and of what I would become, and still wanted me to be a part of his enormous family.

Surely I was sinful at birth,sinful from the time my mother conceived me. Yet you desired faithfulness even in the womb;you taught me wisdom in that secret place. – Psalm 51:5&6

He finds my life to be worthy of a perfectly planned out adventure, and someday a partner to journey with.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” – Jeremiah 29:11

He finds me beautiful, because he made me this way and sees a reflection of his glory in me.

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning. Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. – John 1:1-5

He gave me gifts, and they are not confined to his Spirit.  He saw me in my darkest hour and still wanted to bring me to the light, to renew my spirit and save my life.  He listens to me whine and complain, gently rebuking me.  He listens to my prayers and answers them in spectacular ways.
One of the definitions of identity is the distinguishing character or personality of an individual.  The definition of character is the main or essential nature especially as strongly marked and serving to distinguish.  So what I chose to look at as my identity, what truly distinguishes my character from every other person on the planet and makes me one in a billion, is how God sees me. He sees me as his child, a wonderful display of his glory and a testimony to his awesome ability to work in the lives of his own.

And that’s all I really have to say on the subject for now.  Hopefully soon I can post up some pictures of my new room, and tell some stories about living with the coolest nun in the world.

Confession:  When I get “troubled” I find it really hard to pray.

For some reason there is a gap between my brain and my heart.  What I know is that I should be pressing in to God even more when I’m going through rough times.  I should pray and worship, really dig into his word so hard that I find the bones of Adam and Eve.  Even if things don’t turn out the way I want them to I will be progressing with my relationship with God and that makes anything worthwhile.  I will have a little more peace than I usually do and experience more joy.  Or so I’ve heard.
Thing is, whenever something is trouble or hardship or suffering in my life I end up shutting my mouth and keeping it that way for a while.  A while can be anywhere from a week to months.  When things aren’t working the way I want them to I get angry at God.  I take it very personally that the one little or big thing I want can’t just happen, and I get very much like a child.  The way that a toddler throws tantrums, with the yelling and crying and nastiness spouting out of them from every orifice, that is what I throw at God. 
I am slowly changing my attitude, but it takes focus and discipline.  These are not my strong suits.  I’ve been utilising two realizations though, and by remembering these things I am moving towards something.  I think.
The first realization is one that I think applies to everyone: that our emotions, positive or negative, are really just tools leading us to glorifying God.  When we experience emotions that have the ability to pull us away from God we can turn it around.  Behind each emotion, each sinful thought or longing, behind insecurity and pride there is a place in the heart that needs to be filled.  When that place is using our emotions to try to fill it with things that are shallow and sinful we must turn away from its siren call and focus our attention of the Lord.  If you think about it, God is really lenient with us.  If I were in the position of having control over everything and I found out that my creation was thinking or acting the way that I think and act, I’d just have me killed.  That’s one of the many wonderful reasons I’m not in the position to do so, and I’m grateful for that.  So while sometimes I only think about this concept of turning my wicked heart and it’s emotions into a way of strengthening my relationship with my one and only glorious savior and sometimes I actually do turn and try to say something to him aside from “What do I do?  I need YOU to do something.  Now!” I have found a strange comfort in knowing that I can use this hinderance to my benefit.  I just need to switch my gears and stop chasing after what my sinful nature thinks will soothe me.
The other thing that has been helping me is seeing God’s glory in situations and relationships.  It’s incredibly easy for me to forget that there have been answered prayers or anything good really at all in my life when there is something bad happening.  I was going to write a Dirty Dozen in order to focus on that, but I’ll just post a quick list here.

• The boys have let me come crash on their sofa so I’m not homeless.
• I have a job.
• They feed me.
• The commuter rail isn’t a far walk.
• I have the weekend off.
• Tink and her dad are super supportive and kind and rooting for me.  It feels great and I’m so thankful for them.
• The sun is out and the day is beautiful in its chill.
• God’s word is like poetry sometimes.
• I have a voice.
• I have wonderful friends.
• I seen God answer prayers all over the place.
• God gave us his Spirit and when it is at work I am in awe.
• God’s love can change people.

That last one is a big one that I keep forgetting, even though it’s a really big deal.  It’s happened to me, he changed me from the inside out and renewed me in every way, yet I generally chose to forget about what he’s done and focus on what I want him to do.  The reasoning behind that is similar to the reason that some people never want to be in real relationships: when I get what I want and it’s wonderful and I’m happy there is an inevitable change that means I will not be so happy anymore, most likely because the thing isn’t what I want anymore or it’s taken away.  It hurts and it humbles.  But there is such joy to be had when remembering during worship or prayer what he’s done, and how he’s already proven himself worthy of our admiration and praise time and again. 
That, the idea of giving thanks, is something I’ve heard maybe a billion times.  That’s billion with a B, because it’s a lot.  But since I have a thick skull and have to do things “my way” I can’t just listen and realize it’s true… that’s way to easy!  This was something that I didn’t realize until the Holy Spirit brought the understanding into my mind very recently.  It’s so typical that only God can actually get me to not only listen to him, but talk to him when I decide we’re fighting. 
So what I will be focusing on, aside from trying to figure out my situation in life and see where God’s taking it, is trying to protect my relationship with him by thanking him for what he’s done, and while I’ll still be petitioning my case I will be trying to focus on thanksgiving and praise and other prayer requests as well.

…he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities.  For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.  As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust.  (Psalm 103:10-14)