When I’m in MA I go to a bible study at the home of a family I’ve known … forever.  For some reason I pay better attention to the socratic-seminar-couch-conversations than to sermons at church.  There is worship and fellowship and I always get some good old-fashioned juice squeezed from the bible, but I rarely leave feeling good about… anything.  This week there was a new low hit, and it was really disconcerting.  I was arguing with a friend before hand and couldn’t even be alone with him because I was so angry (I would have pitched a fit, it would have been bad) and every encouraging and uplifting message seemed to affect me in the opposite way.  I felt weighted down, wading in my anguish at having so many lies I have to tell because they aren’t mine, being a sinner that can’t seem to let go of the worst things about myself, etc. 
I asked God, I asked myself, since I have a disconnect between my logic and feelings, why?  Why do I leave what is usually the best part of my week ready to step in front of a truck?  I decided that there is something wrong with me, faulty wiring most likely.
Oh how I forget that while I am unique and one of a kind, I am not that special when it comes to these things and there is nothing that sets me apart from anyone else in the devil’s condemning glare.  I get so upset and illogical because I feel my sin so uncomfortably, and I end up thinking once again about how little I matter.  To think I am unimportant is just as bad as thinking I’m the most important thing in the universe: it’s selfish and self-centered and a lie.  The only truth that I can see is the one laid out in the bible that I consistently seem to ignore: that I am redeemed by Christ’s sacrifice and God’s foolish love.  But the accuser has a way of getting under my pale irish skin, which already is too accustomed to guilt and shame.

10 Then I heard a loud voice in heaven say:
   “Now have come the salvation and the power
   and the kingdom of our God,
   and the authority of his Messiah.
For the accuser of our brothers and sisters,
   who accuses them before our God day and night,
   has been hurled down.
11 They triumphed over him
   by the blood of the Lamb
   and by the word of their testimony;
they did not love their lives so much
   as to shrink from death.
12 Therefore rejoice, you heavens
   and you who dwell in them!
But woe to the earth and the sea,
   because the devil has gone down to you!
He is filled with fury,
   because he knows that his time is short.”  – Rev 12

The devil is the accuser, an angry ex-employee of heaven whose corporate sabotage schemes got him fired.  He’s crafty, but he’s also bitter and knows his time is running out.  He understands the best way to mess with God’s plan is to just mess with our heads, and he takes every chance he can to make us feel guilty, unimportant, and worthless. 
Even today it is hard for me to keep my chin up.  When the environment is so full of toxins my spirit gets weird and vulnerable to lies, and even to truths that just don’t really matter anymore because of the grace of God. 

 13 You were dead because of your sins and because your sinful nature was not yet cut away. Then God made you alive with Christ, for he forgave all our sins. 14 He canceled the record of the charges against us and took it away by nailing it to the cross. 15 In this way, he disarmed the spiritual rulers and authorities. He shamed them publicly by his victory over them on the cross.  – Colossians 2

I’m still learning different techniques and tools to handle the so many parts of my life that I don’t like.  I try to feel encouraged because my behavior used to be so self-destructive that my progress should make me feel better.  It doesn’t always work like that.  But, when I remember to, I take comfort in the truth.  Jesus wasn’t an elitist.  God wouldn’t have been as upset with me as I get with myself, never would he be as ready to brutally punish me as I am.  As Bethany Dillon sings, he sits at the table with the wounded and the poor, he laughs and shares stories with the thief and the whore when he could just be silent and leave us here to die.  Still, he sent his son for us.  He is on our side. 

I’ve been in a bit of a writer’s block.  Either that or I haven’t wanted to write.  I’m not sure exactly.  The truth is, there’s not a lot going on in my life aside from applying to jobs and not getting anything back from them.  So while I’m trusting God that he has a plan and knows what he’s doing, I’m also very concerned about the hygiene of our bathroom!  It’s disgusting!  I cleaned half of it and then Gossip Girl was on so I left it for… well, it’s still not finished.  Also, I just ran out of tissues, and for a girl with a sniffly nose that is bad news!  Paper towels hurt!  And toilet paper?  It’s just annoying!  Then I finished reading two books, had a few conversations with The Best Friend, got into a fight with Tiger, and have spent a considerable amount of time creating home-made christmas cards.   I mean honestly, how can someone sit down and write when they have things like Very Mary Kate to kill time with?  It’s so addictive!  Like morphine martinis!

But I digress.

The last time I wrote down a verse in my book it was Deuteronomy 4: 1&2, 6&7. 
1 Now, Israel, hear the decrees and laws I am about to teach you. Follow them so that you may live and may go in and take possession of the land the LORD, the God of your ancestors, is giving you. 2 Do not add to what I command you and do not subtract from it, but keep the commands of the LORD your God that I give you… 6 Observe them carefully, for this will show your wisdom and understanding to the nations, who will hear about all these decrees and say, “Surely this great nation is a wise and understanding people.” 7 What other nation is so great as to have their gods near them the way the LORD our God is near us whenever we pray to him?

First off, I’d like to mention something about “Israel”.  Through the bible Israel as a nation does things to make God angry.  He almost cuts them off, like a grandfather would a granddaughter that spends all his money on heroin, Jimmy Choos and Versace.  But he doesn’t.  He promised his people who he would bring them to a new place and it would be theirs, but at times in the long journey there are generations of people who don’t get to see “their” land.  This is because they either sinned pretty badly themselves or God was punishing them for what their parents did.  If you recall, God was pretty harsh back in the old testament.  He was selfish, had a temper, and loved the people that had the balls to test him or do exactly what he said.  So when I read this I don’t think of Israel as being them, back in the day.  I think of it as Jesus died for our sins, and since he has taken my silly self in I am part of his people, and therefore Israel means me!  Ha!
So God gave his people this book in the bible, not to mention the entire bible, so that we would be able to know what he wants from us and look to it for encouragement, rebuke, and instruction.  He wants us to use it to get everything that he wants to give us.  He WANTS to give us what we want.  He’s got it all set up!  But we just need to follow his lead, not only because he wants us to, but because he has a plan. 
I did a post on faith where I talked about how the devil is great with war games.  But the fact of the matter is, God is better.  He asks his people in verses 6&7 to follow his commands so that the nations will see that they are wise and understanding, and that they will recognize that as something different.  When they witness our communications with God, how we are able to freely pray and worship him, they will know there is a difference because there is no God that can even think of the level that ours is on.  All the other gods are on the ground floor, chilling out next to the floating table of cupcakes watching Doctor Phil, while our Heavenly Father God is up there and here and everywhere, taking care of his children in ways we can’t understand or fathom! 
I don’t want to live in Maine anymore, as I may have mentioned in passing sometime, and I have decided that this verse is important for me at this time.  It’s been like yet another smack upside from the ever-present Bible, and it’s leaving a bump to remind me to keep my mind on it, and to ice it twice a day.  I feel that the reason is as follows:  As one of God’s children, and one that is planning to move to a new place, he is gently guiding me to focus on him now while I’m not incredibly distracted.  Of course, I’m still a bit distracted, but he has a great point.  I won’t always have the time or patience to delve into his word if I get to a point where I’m moving or starting a new job, and the more of a foundation I have in his word the better off I’ll be.  And he’s not only telling me to do this, but he’s giving me a great reason to; so that those new people I meet will see something different about me, that I have a hope that they want to know about, or that I know the truth and they want to know it too, or maybe I’ll have a halo, or glow in the dark.  No matter what it is, it will need to be powered by God, not Duracell.