“Why do I never feel like I belong?  Or I feel like I belong in all the wrong places.
Reason and emotion do not always come as a package deal in my mind, especially at night.  I find it difficult to connect the two when every doubt in my mind come compulsively over and over, not filling a void but reassuring me that one still exists, reminding me that I have a front that I wish were closer to my reality.  When secrets and sorrow are too close it becomes a smother poultice, a false remedy, soothing because it lulls me back to a place where I feel isolated from others, from God.  I am labeled: whore, addict, thief, liar, hypocrite.  And these are all only from myself, only what my human mind uses to keep me feeling desperately alone.”

You were bought at a price. – 1 Corinthians 7:23

But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect.  No, I worked harder than all of them–yet not I, but the grace of God that was with me. – 1 Corinthians 15:10

Christ has paid the ultimate price to add me into his family.  He gave more than 12 goats, more than money, more than letting me marry his cousin.  He went to God and after a brief discussion they agreed that he would die in my place so that when the time comes I will be with him forever.  Jesus Christ decided to do that for me.  Now I am called daughter, beloved, and new by his blood.

This is the reason I get up in the morning, because I have the hope and faith that Christ has big plans for me that don’t include sitting in my room and thinking about sweeping the floor, but it’s so very hard to remember sometimes.  I find my mind wandering to the wrong side of danger all the time, and it’s hard to harness.  It’s easy to remember the worst things I’ve done and to feel compelled to explain to others why I’m not actually fit to be around them, that I’ve been tainted by the sick things of the world and that I still have to struggle with some of the things that don’t want to be left in the past. 

When I feel I don’t belong I should not dwell on the pit my mind creates but find the Living Word in my hear, recall what he has said about love and salvation.  And that is so hard for someone like me.  I feel every part of me is a bit off, too much of something, too little of something, no place I call home, too much guilt.  But Christ didn’t die for anyone who was already perfect.  He died for all so that through his blood, by dropping my sham of a life and placing it at his feet he can create a new life for me, a whore, addict, liar, thief, hypocrite.  There is no hope but for what he promised to do with my sad little life. 

I have decided that there must be some reason, some purpose, for each and every part of my life and experiences.  I think of the story from Luke 7, of the woman who washed Christ’s feet with her tear and poured perfume on his feet.  When he spoke of her he said “I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven–for she loved much.  But he who has been forgiven little loves little.”  I don’t know if I did it to myself or if it took me a period of indulging my sinful self to understand these things, but I hope more than I can articulate that my understanding of how much is forgiven of me will help me to minister to those that feel they have too much sin to be forgiven.  I hope that my feelings of not belonging anywhere or only in the wrong places will give me the ability to find myself in places others wouldn’t feel comfortable.  Perhaps I will be able to show those who others can’t quite reach that I know what it’s like, I understand how it hurts.  And someday I will be able to create a place where I know I belong, have a real home of my own, that I can use to show God’s love and kindness just by opening the door and welcoming others in. 

Oh my goodness.  I’m looking at various translations of the story of Dinah, from Genesis 34.  I love her.  Probably because I read a completely fictional book about her, and also because she did something that not many of her people did: she went out to hang with the people of the land, instead of just sitting around in her mother’s tent.
KJV: 1And Dinah the daughter of Leah, which she bare unto Jacob, went out to see the daughters of the land.  2And when Shechem the son of Hamor the Hivite, prince of the country, saw her, he took her, and lay with her, and defiled her.  3And his soul clave unto Dinah the daughter of Jacob, and he loved the damsel, and spake kindly unto the damsel.  4And Shechem spake unto his father Hamor, saying, Get me this damsel to wife.
NLT:   1 One day Dinah, the daughter of Jacob and Leah, went to visit some of the young women who lived in the area. 2 But when the local prince, Shechem son of Hamor the Hivite, saw Dinah, he seized her and raped her. 3 But then he fell in love with her, and he tried to win her affection with tender words. 4 He said to his father, Hamor, “Get me this young girl. I want to marry her.”
YLT:   1And Dinah, daughter of Leah, whom she hath borne to Jacob, goeth out to look on the daughters of the land,  2and Shechem, son of Hamor the Hivite, a prince of the land, seeth her, and taketh her, and lieth with her, and humbleth her;  3and his soul cleaveth to Dinah, daughter of Jacob, and he loveth the young person, and speaketh unto the heart of the young person.  4And Shechem speaketh unto Hamor his father, saying, `Take for me this damsel for a wife.’

What happened to Dinah?  She went to hang out with some girls from town (they could have met on a walk, or at the well, maybe they wanted to make dinner or something) and this prince-dude saw her.  Then, he did the following: Took her, seized her, lay with her, raped her, defiled her, and humbled her.  Whaaaat?  All of those things?  Let’s think about this from the human perspective: How many men who pick random women to rape then fall in love with their victims and marry them?  I’m pretty sure that doesn’t happen very often.  Personally, I think that what fits best in this story is that he took her, lay with her/defiled her, and possibly humbled her.  Because when sex happens without marriage (at least in that time period), its defiling.  And when that kind of vulnerability happens, it can humble the hardest of people.

I think that what really makes this an epic story is how her family reacts to the entire thing.  Look it up, it’s tragic.  They pretend to agree to the marriage, then go in and kill, like, everyone.  When I was young I liked the idea of having a family that came to my defense like that, but now that I look back on the story it seems judgmental and closed-minded of them.  Then again, these days I would rather live my own life than one so connected to my relatives.

I have decided on a metaphor for my view on having an open mind vs. being an idiot. 

I think of it like language, reading in particular.  Let us invent a man, his name will be Teddy.  Teddy is from New Jersey, and he knows the English language as butchered by America as his first language.  He learned how to read it before any other language.  This is what he knows as his base language. 

In school Teddy learned French, because I like French and I invented Teddy so he does too.  Teddy appreciates the language for its nuance, its beauty, and its difficulty.  Teddy understands that there are many languages out there, and while he can now read, write, and speak in two languages, he still claims English as his first language, his base language. 

Now, keeping that on a back burner (set to simmer, right above low) let us explore the idea of morals.  According to a dictionary the first definition of moral (adjective) as of, pertaining to, or concerned with the principles or rules of right conduct or the distinction between right and wrong; ethical.  Ethics, in turn, as a plural noun is defined as a system of moral principles.  These are words often associated with religion, which as a noun is defined as a set of beliefs concerning the cause, nature, and purpose of the universe, especially when considered as the creation of a superhuman agency or agencies, usually involving devotional and ritual observances, and often containing a moral code governing the conduct of human affairs.  

What I can see here is a difference.  While religion includes morals, morals and ethics don’t include religion.  This is of interest to me because during a conversation recently a friend said the following:

L’Allemand brûlant: “But now I need to find a balance between self-fulfillment and something that betters the world… there could be a God, but never enough proof for or against so it takes “faith” which I had perhaps before, but not now.”

C’est moi: “Why not?”

L’Allemand brûlant: “Because of that fact: you can’t prove it, and can’t disprove it so it’s almost irrelevant.  If I choose to have faith, then I feel that I forsake all the universe has to offer.  I don’t want to miss the true meaning of the universe because of one decision.”

So this person has decided that he doesn’t want to miss out on all of the possibilities of the universe, and because of that he has chosen not to have faith in anything.  This is how I see it, perhaps you and Teddy wouldn’t, but I do.  So now I will take that back pot off the burner and show you how the ingredients represent my argument.

If we consider basic morals and ethics, maybe even religion, to be the language in Teddy’s story we can use this to further my case against Stupid.  Let us revise; saying that Teddy was raise Catholic and his entire belief system is based on what he learned from the Catholic teachings.  In school Teddy learns about Buddhism, and he is intrigued by some of the teachings and from the differences to his own belief system.  Now, if Teddy had a closed mind he would learn about Buddhism only for the scholastic benefit, meanwhile considering anyone who believed in “all that mumbo-jumbo hippie crap” (his words, not mine) is wrong, wrong, wrong!  This line of thinking is actually what I would consider wrong.  If Teddy has an open mind he would look into Buddhism with curiosity about the historical and cultural effects, perhaps not integrating it into his own belief system, but respecting it for being another line of thinking that others have lived by. 

Now let’s think about what would happen if Teddy decided that there were far too many belief systems and that the existence of so many negates any one being correct.  He falls away from his base religion, learns about a myriad of others, and is overwhelmed with the feeling that it is absurd to have faith in any without knowing which is correct.  Without having a base religion, he would decide that the moral codes he once had were just as invalid as every other one: if one religion believes in covering women completely and another believes in allowing them to wear whatever they like, neither can be right.  If in one religion a man is killed for something that he is not killed for in another, they are both wrong.

Speaking of absurdity, Albert Camus found himself on the outside of faith and religion as well.  He called himself an atheist, but came to the decision that the absence of religious belief can be accompanied by a longing for salvation and meaning.  At one point he said that “I would rather live my life as if there is a God and die to find out there isn’t, than live my life as if there isn’t and die to find out there is.”  As it would seem, the disbelief and faithless logic that is seen throughout generations is accompanied by what may be described as a basic human impulse.  Like a young child believing that Daddy will be able to fix anything, there is still an instinct to believe that there is something bigger out there, and a desire to be under that protection. 

In the case of Teddy, I would see his inability to anchor his beliefs or morals in one area as one who would refuse to have one base language.  It would be as though he decided upon learning about all the other languages in the world that since he couldn’t imagine which one was universally correct he wouldn’t use one at all. 

George Bernard Shaw once said that “the open mind never acts: when we have done our utmost to arrive at a reasonable conclusion, we still – must close our minds for the moment with a snap, and act dogmatically on our conclusions” Therein is the logic that would spurn Teddy (since I created him) to chose one of the incredibly overwhelming options available that would be under the label of Moral Codes, Ethics, and Religions.  When refusing to anchor ourselves we float and when floating we do not have the ability to direct ourselves.  In order to live a life that is his own Teddy has decided that his language is English, and he will learn other languages if he so chooses.  He uses his language to excel at school and explain himself to others.  He goes to college at Brown, does a semester in France, and goes on to get his masters at Harvard.  He eventually becomes a leader in the Green movement, which has to do with warring against global warming, and his words inspire others to make great changes that help their cities, states, and world.  Teddy changed the world because he chose a language and decided that whether it was the right one or not, it was the right one for him.

 “He who believes is strong; he who doubts is weak. Strong convictions precede great actions.” – Louisa May Alcott