1. This isn’t really a complaint, more like something that is really judgmental and shouldn’t bring so much joy to my black, wretched heart… I love finding out that people I knew in high school who were “cool”, “popular”, or “cheerleaders”, ended up fat. Sorry girls, no matter how well you can do your make-up and hair, how much thinner you look with a tan, how little you care about the weight gain because you obviously still wear the same size clothing… I still see it. And I enjoy it.
2. Let’s set the stage. You, 57-year-old woman re-marrying your husband.
Me, your second daughter.
You: I’m not telling your older sister until I feel like it. So if you tell anyone it has to be in a way that she can’t, like, read it on facebook or something because I want to tell her when I’m ready.
Me: Why aren’t you telling her?
You: Because she ran away and eloped and didn’t tell us, so I’m not telling her.
Me: Well she was acting very maturely when she made that decision, and I’m glad to see you’re making the same good decisions.
3. I’ve gotten this weird feeling recently, it’s the kind that makes my spine tingle and I’ll be sitting in a room full of people, doing my own thing, when I feel the need to look up and BAM! That person that doesn’t actually say anything to me? It’s fucking staring at me. I have one suggestion for them: Don’t.
4. I’m not sure if it’s because we have a sick-ass shower or what, but I can no longer find redeeming qualities in the people who decide to have a competition as to who can take the longest, hottest shower when it leaves me with no hot water. If you don’t even live here, find your own bathroom.
5. Snuggies. Ugh.