I came across the blog of a woman who is the wife of the man who was my youth pastor in high school. I read a few of her entries and started crying, which I don’t normally do, because she sounds like someone I want to meet. She and her husband have a little boy, and she is pregnant again but there are complications.
Our baby is not viable. My doctors’ suspicions were confirmed yesterday. After an ultrasound, which took 15 minutes but seemed like forever, we were informed that our precious 16 week old baby has a two vessel umbilical cord (should be three), a heart defect, an obstruction in the intestines, half of one leg and no kidneys. There is almost no fluid around the baby (because there are no kidneys). This was the most difficult ultrasound I’ve ever had. I could see that the baby was not really moving because there was obviously no room to move with the lack of fluid. His little heart was still beating away though.
My greatest hope is that God would be honored and glorified in this situation. I want to have more children. Anyone who has been reading this blog has to know that by now. It is one of my strongest desires, and at one point it became my sole desire. That was so wrong. Over the last year God has been loosening my grip on this desire that slowly and quietly developed into a NEED. My desire for more children is still there, and it is still strong. But my greatest need is for Christ and His purposes. I have found that the more God loosens my grip on the things that I want, the more He becomes what I want and what I need. I have also found that true satisfaction, fulfillment and joy only comes when He is in the center of it all. (Megan’s Blog)
I wonder at times if this kind of strength and tunnel vision for Christ only comes from going through the worst situations. I don’t know this woman, but I knew Aron, and I know that if he married her then she is one incredible and special person. I don’t know God’s plan. I know that reading about the reality of her situation has reminded me to step back and reassess the condition of my own heart.
5 Surely I was sinful at birth,
sinful from the time my mother conceived me.
6 Yet you desired faithfulness even in the womb;
you taught me wisdom in that secret place.
7 Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
8 Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones you have crushed rejoice.
9 Hide your face from my sins
and blot out all my iniquity.
10 Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
11 Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.
13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
and sinners will turn back to you.
14 Deliver me from bloodguilt, O God,
you who are God my Savior,
and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.
15 Open my lips, Lord,
and my mouth will declare your praise.
16 You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.
17 My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart
you, God, will not despise. (Psalm 51)