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  1. New Years Eve is one of the worst “holidays”.  It’s really second only to Valentine’s day, which is a perfect asshole of a holiday in and of itself, but New Years Eve is trying to be as important as Valentine’s day in the most obnoxious ways.  What it should really be about, according to us singles, is renewing hope and giving yourself a perspective on goals for the up coming year.  It’s a fairly hopeful holidays, but it gets dragged into the bowels of Valentine’s day preparations by also being all about kissing someone at midnight.  This year I kissed a friend on the cheek, and that was that.  Last year, I was alone at midnight.  The year before I slept through it.  Basically, I’ve had all kinds of experiences with the holiday but every time that expectation is raised, it just leaves the experience lacking a certain… flair.  Or penis.
  2. Here is a list of topics that I never want to hear come out of my mother’s mouth again: Dog sex, oral sex, horse sex, contraptions created to jerk horses off, any and all references to my father’s sex life. 
  3. I’ve experienced this situation recently where in I become a proverbial punching bag for certain people when they are feeling… well, I can only guess insecure and unimportant.  I’m actually sort of impressed with the way that these people can word things to themselves and me, themselves because I’m so shocked that they believe what they say is a nice/kind way of saying things, me because apparently I’m the only bad friend anyone has.  The situation revolves around canceled plans.  Apparently, when someone says they will do something then cancel it’s a big downer or something.  Looking at it from their point of view, I understand why they would be upset.  I have experienced being canceled on more times that I can remember.  I have often felt pretty worthless on those days and questioned the relationships that existed at the time, as well as being rip-shit mad.  But I rarely do this to other people.  Generally, I’m down for anything, any day, and all there needs to be is a phone call and I’m 5 minutes from out the door.  So I find it incredibly unfair that after having spent so much of my life being the most portable friend anyone can have and being unappreciated for it, when I start doing things like canceling a plan once in a while I become undependable and flakey and get a huge talking at that sounds suspiciously like a guilt trip.  As someone who saves guilt trips for things like a family member, people who are slowly in the process of killing themselves, and (my biggest peeve) people who are constantly late, I know how to give them and I know how to spot them.  So I’m terribly sorry, my dear friends, for being the worst kind of person you could have in your life (apparently, according to you).  I hope at some point you can grow the balls to let your true emotions come out, because I know that if instead of bitching at me about being undependable (which is bull shit, by the way) if you simply said something like “I know you’re not feeling well but I really need you right now” I would renege my cancel.  Simple enough, don’t you think?
  4. I think that if you can’t turn on a computer you shouldn’t be allowed to have a baby.  I think that’s a simple and effective equation to minimize the amount of stupid that has been breeding in our country.  I had no idea that long blonde hair, a “banging” bod, and wearing high heels in the winter without socks made you a smart person according to the guy that’s “banging” you.  Oh, wait, I guess he might have said it because he’s “banging” you.
  5. I don’t have boyfriends, I have friends who are boys.  I have a few of them in random groups of friends that I’m fairly close to; I think of them like brothers and treat them like brothers.  But every once in a while I start getting the vibe from one of them… you know, the one where you think maybe they might like to start doing weird things to you like kiss you on the mouth or something?  I try to keep things chill, just treat them like brothers anyway and try to give them a subtle but strong message of “no” but sometimes they get a little… locked on.  I’m not saying obsessed, just that it becomes an underlying theme of conversations and it’s annoying.  The worst is that they become annoying friends as well, really needy and clingy.  It’s one of the most obnoxious and annoying things I’ve ever experienced in my life, and if I weren’t so vain I would do something to make myself more unattractive to them.  But I am vain, so I’ll just complain instead.
  6. I hate it when people skim books and don’t finish movies.  To me that is evidentiary support that proves you’re retarded.

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