I’ve been feeling very void these days. It’s strange, whenever there is a work of God happening in my life I end up feeling empty in a way. The entire concepts of being a temple for the Spirit and a vessel to be filled are taking on new meanings for me.
The past few days have been up and down for me, but it’s mostly my own fault. On the one hand, nothing really bad has been happening. In fact, God has been proving himself faithful to his word just as I asked. It’s actually a bit terrifying, yet strangely the most incredibly comfort. I’m unsure of the future, but he obviously has it under control. I just get nervous and scared because I want to be used by God and actually feel like I’m in a place of submission to his will, which means that anything could happen. I only know I’m heading in that direction because of the following:
- When I have an idea to do something and it’s really a nudge from the Holy Spirit my hands start to shake as soon as I decide to get it done. My hands have been shaking a lot.
- I’ve been seeing just how silly it is to think I am the one who can handle anything about my life. In fact, today’s story has been brought to you by a cup of coffee, half a sandwich, and this very point I’m trying to make and will now expand on.
The other day I felt a random urge to call an old friend. She will be known as Tink because she feels things 100% just like a fairy, which by the way is adorable. Tink and I ended up having coffee and tea, respectively, and a really cool conversation. It sort of surprised me that we can talk like we do and that she was willing to be open with me since we haven’t been able to connect in a while, but it might just be a perk of knowing someone for almost 15 years. At one point she ended up (quite innocently, for the record) asking me about something that… caught me off guard. At the time it simply had the effect of reminding me to get my guard back up. But later another friend took a different angle with the same question, and I started (for lack of a better term) flipping my shit. My thought process went something like this:
Oh CRAP why are people paying attention to me? Why are they thinking about me? I need to get back under the radar. I need to stop drawing attention to myself. I haven’t been drawing attention to myself. I need to isolate. I need to stop doing this, that, and these things. I need to be more aware of my actions…
Look at that! For the first time in a while (which I only know because I haven’t been feeling strung out like that recently) I was taking my “problem” into my own hands. I got to meet up with Tink again and I told her about how I was feeling (and of course, telling her it’s all her fault even though it’s not at all). She kindly reminded me that while people are going to talk it’s our jobs as christians to stand in truth, which is not to say we go around and tell everyone they are right or wrong or to mind their own B I Business. To stand in truth is about knowing what is true and believing that God will let it be known if/when it’s His will.
As I write this now I am so thankful for Tink. She’s been able to gently rebuke my super-emo-14-year-old-girl spirit and help me re-gather my thoughts. Not to mention, Tink has the kind of energy that is inspiring and contagious, even on days she feels “blah” and “weird” (her words, not mine). She is also serving as a symbol of encouragement for me in that old friendships can be rebuilt, and having a solid friend of faith doesn’t mean you have to be on best behavior with each other at all times. I know that I accept whatever flaws she may happen to have, and I believe she accepts mine.
So back to my original story, while I feel that God likes using me as a mouth piece sometimes I feel that he has been guiding me towards not being quite so mouthy. Along with that he’s been giving me solid anecdotal evidence that when I submit all things to him, finances, relationships, thoughts, he can take care of it all. I’ve realized that God wants me to be taking a back seat in a few situations so that he can take the wheel, embarrassing as it is to be referencing a country song. It would be easier if I could sleep in cars, though.