What I Expected:
- A team-mate to take on the world with.
- Support – when the going gets tough the tough don’t just go home to the A/C. If I were to be going through something difficult I would have someone to tell me it’ll be ok, and even if it’s not they would love on me anyway.
- Pursuit – To have the person I’m in a more-than-friendship with continue trying to win my heart, get to know me, perhaps even romance me!
- To learn and understand the Other’s expressions of love.
- To see an example of Christ jealously and selflessly pursuing the hearts of his people.
- A painful degree of separation – More harmful than protective, not very supportive in the way that I needed, and distant to the point that people thought he was pursuing a female friend of his. I wasn’t worried about it, as I know their relationship is purely platonic, but I was incredibly hurt that he would rather spend time with her, or anyone, other than me.
- Awful communication – I am practically confrontational with whatever it is I need to get out, he is quiet unless I’ve got him in a safe spot. Safe spots include: the talks leading to more-than-a-friendship, after making out like bandits at a poorly secured treasury for a while, the process of changing our relationship status back to friendship. Not to mention, I lost the ability to communicate clearly, which I don’t entirely understand but take as a sign that this wasn’t the brightest move for us. I’ve never been so ready to cry in the middle of a sentence in my entire life, and that would be each sentence in a conversation that lasts 2 hours.
- A person who is properly busy with work. That I cannot put in a negative light.
- I lost 5lbs and my appetite.
- I lost sleep.
- I cried a lot.
- I began to understand further the meaning of submission.
- I began to understand how much I trust God.
- I trusted the Other and found out that he didn’t have the same trust in me.
- I walked in the verse that says there is no fear in love, and I still do.
What I Learned:
- Being unhappy all the time about or because of a relationship means it isn’t going well.
- Some conversations are important to have before bonds being developed are too tight. Waiting until later to break something can be more painful.
- Relationships are not to be pursued, and not to be feared. Finding a way to open one’s heart and love someone unconditionally as more than a brother or friend isn’t scary, not as long as I put my heart in God’s hands.
- There is a reason that this happened, possibly to learn what it is I am looking for, possibly to learn how much I need to learn about relationships, possibly to learn about timing.
- There is a difference between protecting oneself and hiding in fear from being vulnerable.
- I have some items on my list of qualities I want in a future husband that I have updated and that won’t be compromised on. For instance, a faith and commitment to Christ that is evident in their walk of life, someone who can handle emotions (even if that just means putting up with them), someone who knows how to prioritize what is important over what is urgent.
- I still have self-worth issues that need to be handed over to God.
- I will not seek relationship advice from someone whose relationships I don’t respect and admire. I wouldn’t ask for marriage counseling from a single man or woman, and if I don’t respect and admire a marriage I won’t listen to the advice given by a married couple. If counsel is important the counselors are far more so.
- A future husband needs to prove himself worthy of submissive love by trying whole heartedly to be a reflection of Christ’s selfless, unconditional love.
- As if I didn’t know it before, I am a great friend, a shitty girlfriend figure, and will someday be an excellent wife. How do I know? Because I feel too needy and too insecure in relationships that are fragile, like dating or courting. I don’t want to find out if someone wants to marry me. I want them to figure it out and then pursue me with that intent. Starting out as friends and staying friends works for me. Part of what didn’t work in this situation was when I started to want/need reassurance of why I was in it in the first place, that I was desired, and I turned to the Other for it. My life is so much easier when I don’t have anywhere to turn for that reassurance but God, because he never lets me down. I have a feeling that I need to wait for marriage because God is still working with my future husband to make him the best possible match for me. And so, I will wait.
I like your self-analysis. I did something similar this year after a break up, and it turned into a regular healthy practice that filled up a notebook.
Miss you. We should have a reunion in Boston or NYC with Annie!