I was really close to naming Maxwell "Pooka". They have the same color hair!

This past week I’ve found myself being a bit of a brat in prayer.  I generally don’t like asking for help, and I really don’t like asking for things I don’t feel I deserve.  I have been reading some old testament and realizing that there were cases of people asking God for things because they could, because he can do anything, because he wants to give us things.  So I decided that I would ask him for what I want, and I did, but I don’t always hear him answer.  In fact, I’m sort of awful at subtleties, so usually I don’t have any idea if he’s listening.  So this week I told him I need an answer to something, a sign or a verse or whatever it is he wants to give me, just so I know if I’m heading in the right direction or not. 
During church I did a little bible reading and came across a verse I had underlined before, Isaiah 55:8, then promptly forgot it.  Later, when we got back to ME my mom and I were chatting about the future and the weekend and all kinds of things, and at some point I told her (again) that I don’t think I’m in a position to be any good to a guy at this time.  She sort of looked, then told me that it’s not good to decide for myself what I do and don’t deserve, because God knows better than I do.  Then she whipped out her king james version and read all of Isaiah 55 to me.  Oh, snap!  Wasn’t that what I had just looked at earlier?  I guess in my distraction at church I forgot about reading more than one verse, and I missed a good amount of context.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
   neither are your ways my ways,”
            declares the LORD.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth,
   so are my ways higher than your ways
   and my thoughts than your thoughts.
As the rain and the snow
   come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
   without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
   so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
 so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
   It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
   and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
You will go out in joy
   and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and hills
   will burst into song before you,
and all the trees of the field
   will clap their hands.
Instead of the thornbush will grow the juniper,
   and instead of briers the myrtle will grow.
This will be for the LORD’s renown,
   for an everlasting sign,
   that will endure forever.”  – Isaiah 55:8-13

My spiritual head hurt from being smacked really hard by God’s word.  Again.  Who am I to know what I do and don’t deserve?  What I can and cannot do? 
This theme has been going on for at least a week, and of course it regards specifically the one area of my life that I want nothing to do with: the love life.  Whether its friends that ask me repeatedly why I don’t want to date/am not looking for someone or conversations with like-hearted people about the longing to be married and part of a kick-ass team, or just talking about what I pray I’ll find in “the one”, the topic has been popping up all over the place.  And then there is this excerpt from Isaiah, where God has chosen to rebuke me (gently, which is funny because I don’t seem to rebuke others gently at all) by telling me that he loves me, I don’t know what he has planned and never will but I shouldn’t worry about it.  But the biggest point he made is that he has never invested himself in something that didn’t accomplish what he wanted it to.  If he decides to give someone something they want it yields fruit for him, whether or not the person thinks they deserve it or can handle what they’ve been given.  He can change us through his living word and holy spirit to become the right vessels for what he wants to enrich us with (“instead of the thornbush will grow the juniper, and instead of briers the myrtle will grow”). 
It could be that I’m still not quite getting it or I’m using my fear as an excuse to play dumb, but it sounds like he’s trying to tell me to quit closing myself off from what he might just want to give me at some point.  And I’ll tell you what, I don’t know if I like that idea!  I feel like I’m not ready for that kind of thing, like I have to go into a boot camp to make sure I’m going to be fully prepared or something.  It would be comforting if I weren’t so very sure that I will end up messing up someone else and myself and have a slut-spiral that takes me to the pits I’ve just been climbing out of.  And of course, this just proves HIS point: I’m an idiot because I think I know better than he does about what I can and can’t be good for. 
*headdesk*
Also, I’m pretty sure I got my prayers answered this week, pertaining to whether or not I’m trying in the right direction.  One of the women at church came up to me after service and told me that she has an extra room in her house that she regularly rents out, and if I found a job and stuff she’d love to discuss having me stay there. 
So, in conclusion, ladies and jellyspoons, I think that God’s really been helping me out since I made a point of going to him instead of folding in on myself about last week.  Please, like me, be encouraged and excited about the possibilities that lie ahead.  But unlike me, don’t pee your pants when you think about them.

When I’m in MA I go to a bible study at the home of a family I’ve known … forever.  For some reason I pay better attention to the socratic-seminar-couch-conversations than to sermons at church.  There is worship and fellowship and I always get some good old-fashioned juice squeezed from the bible, but I rarely leave feeling good about… anything.  This week there was a new low hit, and it was really disconcerting.  I was arguing with a friend before hand and couldn’t even be alone with him because I was so angry (I would have pitched a fit, it would have been bad) and every encouraging and uplifting message seemed to affect me in the opposite way.  I felt weighted down, wading in my anguish at having so many lies I have to tell because they aren’t mine, being a sinner that can’t seem to let go of the worst things about myself, etc. 
I asked God, I asked myself, since I have a disconnect between my logic and feelings, why?  Why do I leave what is usually the best part of my week ready to step in front of a truck?  I decided that there is something wrong with me, faulty wiring most likely.
Oh how I forget that while I am unique and one of a kind, I am not that special when it comes to these things and there is nothing that sets me apart from anyone else in the devil’s condemning glare.  I get so upset and illogical because I feel my sin so uncomfortably, and I end up thinking once again about how little I matter.  To think I am unimportant is just as bad as thinking I’m the most important thing in the universe: it’s selfish and self-centered and a lie.  The only truth that I can see is the one laid out in the bible that I consistently seem to ignore: that I am redeemed by Christ’s sacrifice and God’s foolish love.  But the accuser has a way of getting under my pale irish skin, which already is too accustomed to guilt and shame.

10 Then I heard a loud voice in heaven say:
   “Now have come the salvation and the power
   and the kingdom of our God,
   and the authority of his Messiah.
For the accuser of our brothers and sisters,
   who accuses them before our God day and night,
   has been hurled down.
11 They triumphed over him
   by the blood of the Lamb
   and by the word of their testimony;
they did not love their lives so much
   as to shrink from death.
12 Therefore rejoice, you heavens
   and you who dwell in them!
But woe to the earth and the sea,
   because the devil has gone down to you!
He is filled with fury,
   because he knows that his time is short.”  – Rev 12

The devil is the accuser, an angry ex-employee of heaven whose corporate sabotage schemes got him fired.  He’s crafty, but he’s also bitter and knows his time is running out.  He understands the best way to mess with God’s plan is to just mess with our heads, and he takes every chance he can to make us feel guilty, unimportant, and worthless. 
Even today it is hard for me to keep my chin up.  When the environment is so full of toxins my spirit gets weird and vulnerable to lies, and even to truths that just don’t really matter anymore because of the grace of God. 

 13 You were dead because of your sins and because your sinful nature was not yet cut away. Then God made you alive with Christ, for he forgave all our sins. 14 He canceled the record of the charges against us and took it away by nailing it to the cross. 15 In this way, he disarmed the spiritual rulers and authorities. He shamed them publicly by his victory over them on the cross.  – Colossians 2

I’m still learning different techniques and tools to handle the so many parts of my life that I don’t like.  I try to feel encouraged because my behavior used to be so self-destructive that my progress should make me feel better.  It doesn’t always work like that.  But, when I remember to, I take comfort in the truth.  Jesus wasn’t an elitist.  God wouldn’t have been as upset with me as I get with myself, never would he be as ready to brutally punish me as I am.  As Bethany Dillon sings, he sits at the table with the wounded and the poor, he laughs and shares stories with the thief and the whore when he could just be silent and leave us here to die.  Still, he sent his son for us.  He is on our side. 

I’ve been in a bit of a writer’s block.  Either that or I haven’t wanted to write.  I’m not sure exactly.  The truth is, there’s not a lot going on in my life aside from applying to jobs and not getting anything back from them.  So while I’m trusting God that he has a plan and knows what he’s doing, I’m also very concerned about the hygiene of our bathroom!  It’s disgusting!  I cleaned half of it and then Gossip Girl was on so I left it for… well, it’s still not finished.  Also, I just ran out of tissues, and for a girl with a sniffly nose that is bad news!  Paper towels hurt!  And toilet paper?  It’s just annoying!  Then I finished reading two books, had a few conversations with The Best Friend, got into a fight with Tiger, and have spent a considerable amount of time creating home-made christmas cards.   I mean honestly, how can someone sit down and write when they have things like Very Mary Kate to kill time with?  It’s so addictive!  Like morphine martinis!

But I digress.

The last time I wrote down a verse in my book it was Deuteronomy 4: 1&2, 6&7. 
1 Now, Israel, hear the decrees and laws I am about to teach you. Follow them so that you may live and may go in and take possession of the land the LORD, the God of your ancestors, is giving you. 2 Do not add to what I command you and do not subtract from it, but keep the commands of the LORD your God that I give you… 6 Observe them carefully, for this will show your wisdom and understanding to the nations, who will hear about all these decrees and say, “Surely this great nation is a wise and understanding people.” 7 What other nation is so great as to have their gods near them the way the LORD our God is near us whenever we pray to him?

First off, I’d like to mention something about “Israel”.  Through the bible Israel as a nation does things to make God angry.  He almost cuts them off, like a grandfather would a granddaughter that spends all his money on heroin, Jimmy Choos and Versace.  But he doesn’t.  He promised his people who he would bring them to a new place and it would be theirs, but at times in the long journey there are generations of people who don’t get to see “their” land.  This is because they either sinned pretty badly themselves or God was punishing them for what their parents did.  If you recall, God was pretty harsh back in the old testament.  He was selfish, had a temper, and loved the people that had the balls to test him or do exactly what he said.  So when I read this I don’t think of Israel as being them, back in the day.  I think of it as Jesus died for our sins, and since he has taken my silly self in I am part of his people, and therefore Israel means me!  Ha!
So God gave his people this book in the bible, not to mention the entire bible, so that we would be able to know what he wants from us and look to it for encouragement, rebuke, and instruction.  He wants us to use it to get everything that he wants to give us.  He WANTS to give us what we want.  He’s got it all set up!  But we just need to follow his lead, not only because he wants us to, but because he has a plan. 
I did a post on faith where I talked about how the devil is great with war games.  But the fact of the matter is, God is better.  He asks his people in verses 6&7 to follow his commands so that the nations will see that they are wise and understanding, and that they will recognize that as something different.  When they witness our communications with God, how we are able to freely pray and worship him, they will know there is a difference because there is no God that can even think of the level that ours is on.  All the other gods are on the ground floor, chilling out next to the floating table of cupcakes watching Doctor Phil, while our Heavenly Father God is up there and here and everywhere, taking care of his children in ways we can’t understand or fathom! 
I don’t want to live in Maine anymore, as I may have mentioned in passing sometime, and I have decided that this verse is important for me at this time.  It’s been like yet another smack upside from the ever-present Bible, and it’s leaving a bump to remind me to keep my mind on it, and to ice it twice a day.  I feel that the reason is as follows:  As one of God’s children, and one that is planning to move to a new place, he is gently guiding me to focus on him now while I’m not incredibly distracted.  Of course, I’m still a bit distracted, but he has a great point.  I won’t always have the time or patience to delve into his word if I get to a point where I’m moving or starting a new job, and the more of a foundation I have in his word the better off I’ll be.  And he’s not only telling me to do this, but he’s giving me a great reason to; so that those new people I meet will see something different about me, that I have a hope that they want to know about, or that I know the truth and they want to know it too, or maybe I’ll have a halo, or glow in the dark.  No matter what it is, it will need to be powered by God, not Duracell.