When I’m in MA I go to a bible study at the home of a family I’ve known … forever.  For some reason I pay better attention to the socratic-seminar-couch-conversations than to sermons at church.  There is worship and fellowship and I always get some good old-fashioned juice squeezed from the bible, but I rarely leave feeling good about… anything.  This week there was a new low hit, and it was really disconcerting.  I was arguing with a friend before hand and couldn’t even be alone with him because I was so angry (I would have pitched a fit, it would have been bad) and every encouraging and uplifting message seemed to affect me in the opposite way.  I felt weighted down, wading in my anguish at having so many lies I have to tell because they aren’t mine, being a sinner that can’t seem to let go of the worst things about myself, etc. 
I asked God, I asked myself, since I have a disconnect between my logic and feelings, why?  Why do I leave what is usually the best part of my week ready to step in front of a truck?  I decided that there is something wrong with me, faulty wiring most likely.
Oh how I forget that while I am unique and one of a kind, I am not that special when it comes to these things and there is nothing that sets me apart from anyone else in the devil’s condemning glare.  I get so upset and illogical because I feel my sin so uncomfortably, and I end up thinking once again about how little I matter.  To think I am unimportant is just as bad as thinking I’m the most important thing in the universe: it’s selfish and self-centered and a lie.  The only truth that I can see is the one laid out in the bible that I consistently seem to ignore: that I am redeemed by Christ’s sacrifice and God’s foolish love.  But the accuser has a way of getting under my pale irish skin, which already is too accustomed to guilt and shame.

10 Then I heard a loud voice in heaven say:
   “Now have come the salvation and the power
   and the kingdom of our God,
   and the authority of his Messiah.
For the accuser of our brothers and sisters,
   who accuses them before our God day and night,
   has been hurled down.
11 They triumphed over him
   by the blood of the Lamb
   and by the word of their testimony;
they did not love their lives so much
   as to shrink from death.
12 Therefore rejoice, you heavens
   and you who dwell in them!
But woe to the earth and the sea,
   because the devil has gone down to you!
He is filled with fury,
   because he knows that his time is short.”  – Rev 12

The devil is the accuser, an angry ex-employee of heaven whose corporate sabotage schemes got him fired.  He’s crafty, but he’s also bitter and knows his time is running out.  He understands the best way to mess with God’s plan is to just mess with our heads, and he takes every chance he can to make us feel guilty, unimportant, and worthless. 
Even today it is hard for me to keep my chin up.  When the environment is so full of toxins my spirit gets weird and vulnerable to lies, and even to truths that just don’t really matter anymore because of the grace of God. 

 13 You were dead because of your sins and because your sinful nature was not yet cut away. Then God made you alive with Christ, for he forgave all our sins. 14 He canceled the record of the charges against us and took it away by nailing it to the cross. 15 In this way, he disarmed the spiritual rulers and authorities. He shamed them publicly by his victory over them on the cross.  – Colossians 2

I’m still learning different techniques and tools to handle the so many parts of my life that I don’t like.  I try to feel encouraged because my behavior used to be so self-destructive that my progress should make me feel better.  It doesn’t always work like that.  But, when I remember to, I take comfort in the truth.  Jesus wasn’t an elitist.  God wouldn’t have been as upset with me as I get with myself, never would he be as ready to brutally punish me as I am.  As Bethany Dillon sings, he sits at the table with the wounded and the poor, he laughs and shares stories with the thief and the whore when he could just be silent and leave us here to die.  Still, he sent his son for us.  He is on our side. 

I’ve been in a bit of a writer’s block.  Either that or I haven’t wanted to write.  I’m not sure exactly.  The truth is, there’s not a lot going on in my life aside from applying to jobs and not getting anything back from them.  So while I’m trusting God that he has a plan and knows what he’s doing, I’m also very concerned about the hygiene of our bathroom!  It’s disgusting!  I cleaned half of it and then Gossip Girl was on so I left it for… well, it’s still not finished.  Also, I just ran out of tissues, and for a girl with a sniffly nose that is bad news!  Paper towels hurt!  And toilet paper?  It’s just annoying!  Then I finished reading two books, had a few conversations with The Best Friend, got into a fight with Tiger, and have spent a considerable amount of time creating home-made christmas cards.   I mean honestly, how can someone sit down and write when they have things like Very Mary Kate to kill time with?  It’s so addictive!  Like morphine martinis!

But I digress.

The last time I wrote down a verse in my book it was Deuteronomy 4: 1&2, 6&7. 
1 Now, Israel, hear the decrees and laws I am about to teach you. Follow them so that you may live and may go in and take possession of the land the LORD, the God of your ancestors, is giving you. 2 Do not add to what I command you and do not subtract from it, but keep the commands of the LORD your God that I give you… 6 Observe them carefully, for this will show your wisdom and understanding to the nations, who will hear about all these decrees and say, “Surely this great nation is a wise and understanding people.” 7 What other nation is so great as to have their gods near them the way the LORD our God is near us whenever we pray to him?

First off, I’d like to mention something about “Israel”.  Through the bible Israel as a nation does things to make God angry.  He almost cuts them off, like a grandfather would a granddaughter that spends all his money on heroin, Jimmy Choos and Versace.  But he doesn’t.  He promised his people who he would bring them to a new place and it would be theirs, but at times in the long journey there are generations of people who don’t get to see “their” land.  This is because they either sinned pretty badly themselves or God was punishing them for what their parents did.  If you recall, God was pretty harsh back in the old testament.  He was selfish, had a temper, and loved the people that had the balls to test him or do exactly what he said.  So when I read this I don’t think of Israel as being them, back in the day.  I think of it as Jesus died for our sins, and since he has taken my silly self in I am part of his people, and therefore Israel means me!  Ha!
So God gave his people this book in the bible, not to mention the entire bible, so that we would be able to know what he wants from us and look to it for encouragement, rebuke, and instruction.  He wants us to use it to get everything that he wants to give us.  He WANTS to give us what we want.  He’s got it all set up!  But we just need to follow his lead, not only because he wants us to, but because he has a plan. 
I did a post on faith where I talked about how the devil is great with war games.  But the fact of the matter is, God is better.  He asks his people in verses 6&7 to follow his commands so that the nations will see that they are wise and understanding, and that they will recognize that as something different.  When they witness our communications with God, how we are able to freely pray and worship him, they will know there is a difference because there is no God that can even think of the level that ours is on.  All the other gods are on the ground floor, chilling out next to the floating table of cupcakes watching Doctor Phil, while our Heavenly Father God is up there and here and everywhere, taking care of his children in ways we can’t understand or fathom! 
I don’t want to live in Maine anymore, as I may have mentioned in passing sometime, and I have decided that this verse is important for me at this time.  It’s been like yet another smack upside from the ever-present Bible, and it’s leaving a bump to remind me to keep my mind on it, and to ice it twice a day.  I feel that the reason is as follows:  As one of God’s children, and one that is planning to move to a new place, he is gently guiding me to focus on him now while I’m not incredibly distracted.  Of course, I’m still a bit distracted, but he has a great point.  I won’t always have the time or patience to delve into his word if I get to a point where I’m moving or starting a new job, and the more of a foundation I have in his word the better off I’ll be.  And he’s not only telling me to do this, but he’s giving me a great reason to; so that those new people I meet will see something different about me, that I have a hope that they want to know about, or that I know the truth and they want to know it too, or maybe I’ll have a halo, or glow in the dark.  No matter what it is, it will need to be powered by God, not Duracell.

“I’m beginning to think that there is something wrong with the way that I react to things.  This has been on my mind because times that make others feel happy make me feel sad, and ideas that should be wistful feel like weights on my chest.  The fact that I can’t pay my bills feels like a brick that is hooked to my ribcage.  What I should see as wonderful I see as terrifying, and I am finding myself more and more frightened by things and can’t seem to figure out why.” – One of my entries into the Emo-Journal I cry into before listening to old MCR and wearing fish net shirts

I don’t know if either one of you readers have noticed, but when I’m emotionally torqued I get quite whiney.  I’ve noticed this, and I feel very grateful for those who put up with my constant “waaaaah!”  Believe you me, I would rather be productive, or even just happy, but apparently I was created to be in touch with the sides of myself that finds anxiety in many situations. 
This anxiety is triggered by the following, but is not restricted to; the current job hunt, relationships with my female friends, food, relationships with my male friends, money, my family, planning things, food being stuck visibly in my teeth, the fact that my hips hurt a lot these days, the condition of my skin, the sound of people coming up the stairs or slamming doors, the idea that I or someone else cannot logically control themselves on an emotional level, whether or not there is hot water for a tubby, whether or not one of the cats got stuck somewhere and will pee on things or die, cigarettes and how much I need to quit smoking, alcohol and how much I think I should quit drinking, television, singing in front of other people, self-medication in all forms, trust, and generational curses.  

During my college years I went through some interesting and possibly defining moments that involved all kinds of things that gave me anxiety, including a few of the things listed in the Anxiety Triggers List above.  Usually I would end up talking to my dad about the money problems, fears, and anxieties, and he would always tell me to look up a certain verse.  (“What does the bible say about that?  I don’t remember what part it is, but Jesus says not to worry about it.  That he cares about the lilies but he cares more about you.  So look it up.”)

I did.  I had that verse staring at me each time I opened the bible for 4 years.  It was obnoxious, really, because of how simply it states God’s views on anxiety. 

“Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?  Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?  Consider how the lilies grow.  They do not labor or spin.  Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.  If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith!” – Luke 12:25-28

Sometimes I think God loves to proverbially slap people in the face with the bible.  I understand why, because I am also a big fan of people understanding what you’re saying the first time and trusting you to mean what you say, but it’s not always pleasant to be hit in the face with a hardcover. 

Of course he’s going to point out the obvious here, when you worry about things you aren’t having faith.  Well, I must tell you that I DO have faith!  I just also have realistic ideas about what can happen in my life if I lead it the way that doesn’t scare me into anxiety spirals, which would be not leaving the house, putting the communication devices in the woods out back, reading and writing and drawing and watching movies and nothing else really at whatever time of the day I happen to wake up.  That doesn’t provide much opportunity for God to work his plans into my life, especially if they involve other people.  So I do it on purpose, I scare myself with life because it’s important not to miss everything.  (Please note: I do not care about missing every possible thing, I just care about missing anything that could be good or bad or challenging because I decided to truly turn the house into the next Grey Gardens.) 
Writing about these struggles now requires me to make two points. 

When I was a really young kid my favorite bible story was from Mark 4, the story of Jesus and his disciples taking a boat trip that gets hit by a bit of rough weather.  Jesus was napping in the stern, which is cool because he had been busy telling stories with double meanings all day, when one of his guys woke him up and asked if he was cool with them drowning.  The poor kid.  Not only did he wake up the son of God (Which is something you want to really think about for at least a solid 20 minutes, no matter why you think it’s necessary) but he also woke him up to flip out on him in a passive aggressive way.  So Jesus got up, told the weather to stop, it did, then asked the disciples “Why are you so afraid?  Do you still have no faith?”

When I was 4-years-old or somewhere around there I went to a birthday party where they played us a nifty 80’s cartoon of this.  I loved it, probably because I was geeking out on frosting and candy, and this I remember: when my mom came to get me she asked me in this person’s living room about the movie, quizzing me on my bible stories, and when it got to what Jesus told his disciples about the entire faux pas… well, I don’t know if it’s because I had a lisp and heard everyone through a lisp-filter, or if the adorable little cartoon had shoddy craftsmanship, but I told her Jesus asked his disciples “Where is your faces?”  Mom still think this is a very funny story, but I’ve been thinking about it for other reasons.  When I was little and I got scared I covered myself up.  If I was afraid of things I couldn’t see in my room (with a sister who sees demons and feels God’s hand, please don’t judge me) I would make sure that my blanket was tucked around me, and I would put the blanket up over my head and tuck that in.  (Even now, if I hear something late at night in the house or something, my feet are going to be tucked.  It’s logical, if they get through the blankets and get my feet I can’t run away!)  So I thought Jesus was making an excellent point at the time of hearing the word Faces instead of Faith, because scared people don’t have faith, and scared people cover their faces instead of facing what’s scary.  Hence I refuse to let myself be scared by things like public speaking, meeting new people… my extroverted side completely gets this story.  So while I was a lispin-lass I also was brilliant, if you hadn’t noticed, because I made this connection when I was somewhere in the 4-year-old age range and have sort of lived with it in the back of my mind ever since (which might add to my constant list of things that make me such a child most of the time).  I have always considered myself one who lives looking forward to the promises that God gave me, and I am stubborn enough to say that my refusal to debate what I believe he will do for me, or that he means anything less than what he says, can be called faith. 

This leads me to my second point:  I strongly believe that the areas of your life that cause you the most anguish, grief, drama, discouragement, etc, are the areas that have the best possible potential for God to work and blast your socks off with his amazingly creative ways of following through.  I really truly and honestly believe in God and his promises and miracles and that he loves me and has a great plan that I have no clue about.  I also struggle with not knowing the plan, with not feeling loved (5 love languages anyone?) and with not getting to “experience” miracles in my own life.  So this has to be important!  Why would the devil give me such a hard time with these things otherwise?  He wants to fuck up what could easily and powerfully give glory to God.  And the devil is smart, because he knows that most of us look at the areas of our lives that are hard and say “No, thank you, I’ll do other thing instead.”  He’s a thief who comes only to steal, kill, and destroy.  And obviously he would like to steal some of the glory that should belong to God or else he wouldn’t have gotten fired and exiled in the first place.  So he’ll steal your thoughts, lie to you, kill your hope, and other things that Hitler would have loved to know about during WWII because it will leave us desolate, useless, and most likely completely drained in the area that would offer the most glory to God. 

And so I would call myself a woman of faith, on those days I think I’ve acted like a grown-up, and I do think that because of the challenges I face with it there is strength there that I haven’t figured out about yet.  Same thing with prayer, but I’ll give that one its own post or 40.

There is a occurance in my life as of late that makes me cringe, scrunch my face up, and yell at my mother.  It usually goes something like this:  We are in the company of young men and she says hello, then moves directly on to a burning question of her heart, “So what girls are you interested in these days?” 
I am so tired of making my adorable face look ugly, and even worse, the fact that she laughs off my polite, rude, and heartfelt pleads for her to stop asking such things.  It’s bad enough to hang out with a bunch of dudes with my mom, asking about romantic inclinations in mixed company is asking for trouble or a brush off, which she usually gets.  (Technically, since she gets the brush off I shouldn’t really care, but it grates me so!)
I decided to get a little more educated on what the Bible says about all this jazz, and the first thing I wanted to know was what it thought about us guys and gals getting jiggy with it.  Apparently, God didn’t like Adam being alone (Gen. 2:18) and when he made him an Eve and they christened Eden he said it was good.  So there’s that.
Later, in Romans 12:9&10 it says that “Love must be sincere…Be devoted to one another in brotherly love.  Honor one another above yourselves.”  This is how, when we aren’t all hitched and making babies, we should treat each other.  (I try, but let’s be realistic, I don’t always succeed.)  I’m going to break it down for a minute here.
When honor is used as a verb it means to treat each other in a way that holds someone to honesty, fairness, or integrity in one’s beliefs and actions.  So when I talk to a guy I should be treating him as though he is honest, fair, and has integrity in his beliefs and actions.  Why?  Well, when someone treats me that way I want to be that way.  So that’s a good enough reason for me. 
We should be devoted, which means to be zealous or ardent in attachment, loyalty, or affection, in brotherly love, which means to have a kindly and lenient attitude toward people.  So I should be ardently attached, loyal, and affectionate towards my guy pals while being kind and lenient.  Why?  Because we all fall short of glorious, and if it weren’t for human compassion there are quite a few people who would be seriously unhappy and some who might just choose to die instead of disappoint people further. 
Lastly our love should be sincere.  Sincere has too many great meanings to skip: free of deceit, hypocrisy, or falseness; earnest  2. genuine; real  3. pure; unmixed; unadulterated  4. sound; unimpaired.  This word, all of these words that are behind it, this is how I need to love my guy pals?  Yes.  And that’s how they should love me.  Why?  The only reason I care to even use is that it would be wonderful.  To have the kind of love in friendship that is described here would be a precious thing.
So this is how (I try) to love my boys.  Yes, sometimes I call them that.  And it’s a challenge for me at times, because sometimes I want to believe that they lie, that they aren’t fair, that they are sneaky, I want to tell them to fuck off and die, I become a version of myself that ignores the things I can’t be honest about, I even have been known to get crushes!  That’s not in this description of love!  Thankfully it’s been a while since I’ve had to deal with one of those, but that’s beside the point.  My point is that when I am surrounded by people who are just doing this, loving in a pure and unadulterated way, I am set-ski.  Good to go!  Then there are the Yentas.  The gossip-y, busy-body women that have to start playing matchmaker.  Well guess what?  I don’t want a matchmaker!  And I don’t want to talk about “interest” and other vom-inducing topics like that.  And Jesus doesn’t want you to either.
Ephesians 4: 29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
Stick that in your pipe and smoke it, MOM.