The end of a relationship that I got into with the intent on staying there is still laying it on my heart pretty strongly. I’m trying to keep my chin up and to see the world as my candy store with penny-priced things but it’s really hard sometimes. I’ve realized a few things.
1. Because not many people at all knew about my feelings for the kid I don’t feel comfortable telling many people at all about what I’m going through. My BFF is still a little puzzled as to how I felt about him, and I tell her everything. She only knows that there were strong feelings involved because of my anger, because she knows that anger is where I go when there’s a lot of pain. My feelings towards him? I was in love with him. My feelings towards him now? I don’t know who he is anymore, but still love him. My feelings because of this? Lots of weirdness, some confusion, and a general aching.
2. I really miss what I had, back when it had been something real. I feel like a sap, and I’ll bet I read like a sap too, but it’s the truth. I miss the friendship (since we’re not speaking much at all) and I miss the person. And since I don’t know if who I got to know so well was real or not it feels like someone may have died.
3. I’m going through the stages of grief like Summer Roberts. Except I’m not done with them yet.
Thankfully there is a lot of patience in my God, and he hasn’t stopped reminding me through his Word, some friends who know what to say, and a dream or two that life goes on. And that just like every other thing that I’ve been through, this is a learning experience. And just like every other lesson, sometimes I learn the hard way.
He has made everything beautiful in its time. He also has planted eternity in men’s hearts and minds [a divinely implanted sense of a purpose working through the ages which nothing under the sun but God alone can satisfy], yet so that men cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end. I know that there is nothing better for them than to be glad and to get and do good as long as they live; and also that every man should eat and drink and enjoy the good of all his labor–it is the gift of God. I know that whatever God does, it endures forever; nothing can be added to it nor anything taken from it. And God does it so that men will [reverently] fear Him [revere and worship Him, knowing that He is]. – Ecclesiastes 3:11-14
I love these verses. They’ve been keeping me warm through what feels like a frosty time. What this guy and I had was beautiful, even when it was raw and hurt, and even now it’s beautiful because God is in it. Even when things don’t end up the way we think they should, God is in it. And what was, what is and what will be are all of him and so will never be taken away or taken back. Even the painful things are according to his plan. Even when the hurt seems bigger than anything else, even when the lies are trying to convince me to turn on myself and God, even when I’m cold with loneliness; God is good and he has made everything beautiful in its time.