When someone tells you how happy they are to not have you in their life it’s not necessarily comforting, but it does give you a kick in the pants to move past whatever feelings you had for them. I only know this because it’s happened to me. Recently. As in today.
There’s not much to be done about letting emotions get the best of you, at least not after the fact, and honestly I’d rather let them take their course than harness them. When I harness certain things they come back at inopportune times.
My BFF told me once that when I go through break ups (at least, the important ones) it’s not like I need time to get over the person, I don’t deal with things like a normal person; I go into mourning. I literally mourn the death of a relationship. And she’s right, I absolutely do. I can’t always let go when things are over because the person is still there, and the end of what we had feels like the death of a close friend. I’ve experienced both. I can see the similarities.
I’ve been doing a lot of processing lately. Painful, good, hard, enlightening and relieving processing. I’ve been remembering more and more that God is great, strong enough to save, and absolutely sovereign over what happens in this universe. His blood has covered my sins and cleansed me, his law is written on my heart, his gospel is what I want to live to tell and his word is a lamp unto my feet, a light unto my path.
My dissatisfaction with my life is a signal to me that I need to figure out where God wants me to be right now and whether or not he wants me to be going anywhere else. These days I get smacked in the face by realizations of my sin, of my selfishness, of my denial and my ignorance. I do not want to be an opportunist of the grace that I have been given. I want to live a life that is for the King, not for myself. But that’s hard to hold to sometimes. It means that I have to give up dreams. It means I have to do things I am afraid of. It means that I have to be willing to bend and sometimes to break. It means I have to handle rejection. It means I have to let others go. But in all of the discomfort I find peace, and in the sorrow and pain I find healing. His promises are for a time such as this.
I hear You say “My love is over,
it’s underneath, it’s inside, it’s in between
the times you doubt Me, when you can’t feel
the times that you’ve questioned ‘is this for real?’
the times you’ve broken, the times that you mend
the times you hate Me & the times that you bend
well My love is over, it’s underneath
it’s inside, it’s in between,
these times you’re healing
& when your heart breaks
the times that you feel like you’ve fallen from grace
the times you’re hurting
the times that you heal
the times you go hungry & are tempted to steal
in times of confusion & chaos & pain
I’m there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame
I’m there through your heartache
I’m there in the storm
My love I will keep you by My power alone
I don’t care where you’ve fallen, where you have been
I’ll never forsake you
My love never ends, it never ends. – Tenth Avenue North, Times
I’ll update again soon I hope, to explain why I’ve been MIA, to tell anyone who will read about the musical I’ve been a part of, to tell the story of my toe infection, to explain my epiphany of storytelling, and more.