I am not happy with myself today.
I’ve been given so much in the past year, but because of all of the hard things, the difficulties and the painful experiences, my automatic reaction is the same as this person’s: I wish I could forget it all happened.
It’s time to begin a new season in my life, I’m so sure about it that I’m practically deodorant, but it’s scary to think of how opening myself up to God’s plans might take me farther from home, or away from my community, or back to my parent’s house, or into poverty, or into vulnerability. There’s a big plan out there with my name on it that I’m going to try to accept, because God has written it out for me and has given me promises that cover every angle– Yes, it will hurt sometimes. As a human it’s impossible to escape pain, as a Christian it’s impossible to escape persecution. No, there is no promise that I will get exactly what I want out of my life. His thoughts are higher and his plans are greater than I can imagine. No, I will not need to worry about it. Constant prayer and devouring the Word will keep me operating in the spirit, and keep my perspective on my spiritual needs and less on my physical needs. No, I will never be alone. No matter how lonely I get, I have the perfect Prince of Peace with me, fighting for me, listening to me, interceding for me, and loving me more than I can even imagine.
Recently Tink asked me if I would be happy with my life if I had done nothing with it but loved other people. Yes, I would. She also was giving me some much-needed encouragement, reminding me of ways God has been using me and I realized that I would hate for anyone to see that as something I did. I only want people to recognize what I have done for God in a way that makes Him seem all the more wonderful. I don’t care if people see me as a lost cause or a saint, I just want them to see me as a vessel that God knows how to use perfectly even when we can’t imagine how it would work that way.
“For if you keep silent at this time, relief and deliverance will rise for the Jews from another place, but you and your father’s house will perish. And who knows whether you have not come to the kingdom for such a time as this?” – Esther 4:14