I used to think that I had faith.  I really thought I did.  But when I am challenged my heart reveals that I don’t, that it’s not as engrained in me to trust God as I thought it was.

It’s difficult for me to accept that my anxiety, my freak outs, my mind choosing to believe the worst, my bad habits, are all symptoms of failure at trusting God. 

When I think that I’m doing well with trusting Him I get a new thing thrown at me that proves that I don’t.  Something bad happens and I just know in my heart that for some reason I have to be put in a situation where I’ll want to kill myself, and for some reason I think that will be the challenge, to survive it.  I don’t believe that God will do something good because I feel that I deserve to be miserable.  When I don’t get to have the things that I desire I believe that it’s because I am still too messed up to be able to receive something good from God.  When good things do happen I am afraid to enjoy it because it will be taken away, and missing something is worse than never knowing it. 

“If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God.”  – Colossians 3:1-3

I have been trying really halfheartedly to turn my perspective from inside my own head to one from the eyes of Christ.  I have been allowing myself to be run over by the garbage truck of depression and fear, resting uneasily in the lie that my life will never be what I long for it to be.

But the truth is that God is still just and good, that Christ is still my one and only, and that even if this life is never what I long for there will be another life after this one where I will know what it is to be completely full of joy, to be satisfied entirely.  Until then simply to the cross I cling.