• Me?

Dirty Sean

~ Unearthing Treasures, Mapping Truths, Navigating Life

Dirty Sean

Category Archives: Dirty’s Reports

Chronicles of Don’t: The Rebel Yell

10 Tuesday Dec 2013

Posted by Meagan Sean in Chronicles of Don't

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Chronicles of Don't

REBEL
The other day I was in the car listening to Billy Idol on the radio singing about the rebel yell. According to Mr. Idol it goes something like this:

“More! More! More!”

The definition of a rebel is a person who rises in opposition or armed resistance against an established government or ruler, but when it comes down to it I think that Mr. Idol has made a very strong and concise point. A rebel is not just someone who is in opposition, it’s a person who wants more than what they have been given and will buck against the structures that are in place in order to get it.
There is a reason that we relate to the characters in movies, tv shows, and books who are a part of a rebellion. There is a reason that we are rooting for the underdog who is going against the system in order to get more, be it food, freedom, money, basic human rights, love, fast food, paperclips, etc. We are on their team because we want more.
I’ve been rebellious for a long time. My heart has made its desires known to my actions, who seem more than willing to go along with it, and my brain usually stays out of it long enough for me to get myself into trouble.
It’s everywhere in me, this want for more than what I’ve been given. I want second helpings because I want more than the amount of food that was given to me. Consequently I gain weight. When I was underage I wanted to drink alcohol and made it happen. Consequently I was the most obnoxious girl at the police station the night I got arrested, partly because I didn’t take it seriously and partly because I was still buzzed. I want more sleep so I keep hitting snooze on my alarm. Consequently I don’t have enough time to get ready and am late for work.
And even deeper down I find myself rebelling. God put certain structures in place for us to keep our hearts safe and protected, to be in a place of blessing. All it takes is listening to Him and doing what He asks. Maybe it is spending time every morning reading the word, or the kind of life decision that would lead someone to become a full time missionary. It could be adhering to His law in simple ways (don’t hate, don’t kill, don’t steal). It could be convictions that the Spirit has given you particularly, a way that God wants you to approach an area of your life. He guides us in these ways and more so that we can experience the contentment of being led by Him and the blessings that He has timed perfectly.
Conceptually I love this. You would never know that in my day to day life. Instead of choosing to bow my heart down most mornings seem to start with a riotous battle cry of “MORE!” What’s worse is that I still know what is better than letting myself go into this rebellion. Do I care? Not usually.
I am included in this culture where the idea of structure is confused with oppression. Being given guidelines and rules to keep us safe is not the same as being kept from enjoying life. God is not withholding just because I don’t have what I want when I want it.
dirty

The Difference

02 Monday Dec 2013

Posted by Meagan Sean in Dirty Little..., Dirty's Reports

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Nugget 'O Truth

bfrommorons
Some days are better than others. Some days bring sunshine and roses and others make you want to cut people and become a hermit. Some days I want to shove people into traffic and put locks on the doors in my room so no one will ever bother me again. On these days I find myself thinking “I want to believe God is good. I really think he is. Maybe I’ll see it if I just keep saying it…”
God has so much more patience for me than I deserve. On my bad days I am like Israel, walking in the direction that God has pointed me and complaining the entire time. I underestimate the amount of grace that has been given because I figure that since God has given it to me he won’t really pay attention to the times when I doubt, when I covet, when I decide to stay unsatisfied.

“But godliness with contentment is great gain, for we brought nothing into the world, and we cannot take anything out of the world. But if we have food and clothing, with these we will be content.” – 1 Timothy 6:6-8

How easy it is to see the things that I want so badly as a need. I don’t need to see some wonderful miracle to have proof that God is good. In fact, I don’t even need to have proof. The only proof I need is what he has already given me, life.
So I want to stop thinking of God being good as something that I hope to see. I don’t need to have good things happen in order to know that God is good. I don’t need a mantra to try to cling to sanity on bad days, I need to bow my heart when I say “God is good” and believe it.
dirty

Dirty Dozen: Thanksgiving

27 Wednesday Nov 2013

Posted by Meagan Sean in Dirty Dozen, Holidays

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Dirty Dozen

winston1winston2

  1. Knowing God’s comfort has been so essential to me this year. Last year at this time I was driving to the airport in Boston with my brother to pick up Derek. Last year right after Thanksgiving Derek came over and made us Jack Daniels Cheese Burgers. They were delicious. That was the last time I saw him before he died. The only thing that has kept me in some semblance of sanity is knowing who God is and that he is near to the brokenhearted.
  2. God has provided for me and my family time and again this year. When I needed a job, He dropped one in my lap. When I needed another job He guided me to it. He has been able to keep a roof over our heads and food in our bellies.
  3. My parents just had their 3rd anniversary. Technically they were married for 20 years and then divorced, and then remarried each other. They don’t make marriage look easy, but they do prove that they have the will to fight for their relationship.
  4. We found a church to be a part of that is local and incredibly sweet. God managed to help us find a part of his body to be a part of when we really needed it, and I am personally so thankful for that.
  5. My distance from my BFF has become much smaller, which is one of the very best parts of living in Maine. Maybe the only part I like most days. It’s much easier to make plans to see her when I don’t have to travel 4 hours to do so.
  6. Brady was brought into the world this year. As my BFF’s firstborn I know that I will forever love the little man. I don’t get to see him nearly enough but I’m even thankful for hearing him cry over the phone.
  7. God has been really faithful to slam doors in my face this year. This is something I have learned after the fact, and something I have been very humbled by. When the things I wanted were in reach and God decided they weren’t what I needed he took them away, even with me kicking and screaming to have them back. And now I can see these restrictions as blessings.
  8. Being able to hang out with my brother is my choice favorite. He and I are both getting busier with work, but I wouldn’t be able to handle life without him this year. I already love him, but the more I get to know him and his character the more pride I take in what kind of person I’m related to.
  9. Books have been a very good thing recently, even if it’s just rereading old favorites.
  10. Being single is not always something I feel blessed about but the more I learn about myself and where God needs to work on my heart the more I am thankful that no one else has to deal with me right now.
  11. I still get to cut hair on the side and that is such a blessing. It’s still what I love to do, but I’m sort of glad I don’t have to work in a salon. I never seem to fit in to them.
  12. Of course, Maxwell.

maxwell
dirty

Chronicles of Don’t: Thoughts on Friends

04 Monday Nov 2013

Posted by Meagan Sean in Chronicles of Don't, Dirty's Reports

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Chronicles of Don't, complaining, Human Interest, True Life

sbbff

I have had a few different best friends. My sister; we bonded over Stockholm syndrome. My best friend from high school; we went through a lot of stuff and she’s still important to me. My best friend from college; still my best friend. I’ve also had the pleasure of keeping in touch with certain people over the years who i consider to be good friends.
And then there are the Don’ts.
I used to have the opposite of trust issues. I wouldn’t call myself gullible, but I was optimistic about the people in my life being honest and truthful, caring and considerate. Now I see that I was naive.
My superhuman ability to trust people created a doormat of a person. I would allow people to walk all over me.

You were supposed to be here at 6 and it’s 6:45? I’m sure there’s a good reason for it.
You only keep me around so that you can feel thinner/more educated/more sophisticated/tell a more stories/never feel threatened that the cute guy will choose to talk to you? Great, lots of pressure off me.
You want me to let you into your ex boyfriends building so you can have another confrontation? I’m your girl!
You want to only contact me when it’s convenient for you, every 8 months or so? I’ll answer my phone, no worries.
Your mom died? Please, let me introduce you to my mom so you can have some positive maternal figure in your life.
Wait, you mom didn’t die? But, wait, why did you tell the entire faculty at school that she did? Why did you need to get a loan from my mother and never pay it back? Why did you have to live with my mother rent free, take a free trip to California? Why did you decide to lie about your brother dying as well? Why did you lie about being pregnant? Is the kid you swear up and down that you had in college real? No?
Wait, why am I doing this?

That was the first turning point. Knowing that someone could lie so thoroughly about everything and get away with it, leeching as much as possible from the lives of people who care about them… I stopped being so optimistic.
Then there was almost 10 years of friendship that were voided when I gave a bad haircut. No excuses, a bad haircut is a bad haircut, also I can hardly remember what it turned out to be. I like to block out bad memories I guess. But what did get seared into my mind was the phone call where I was told some of the most hurtful things I’ve ever had to listen to. She was my best friend through so many years, and just like that the entire friendship dissolved. I wanted to believe that the good qualities of our friendship would outweigh the negative ones, but ultimately our friendship is one I don’t miss much.
And life without these friendships is less dramatic. I didn’t realize how much room in my brain was being taken up with stupid fights, hissy fits, drug problems, eating disorders, health issues, my own constant fear of someone I love killing themselves somehow just because I had decided to keep people in my life who didn’t deserve my trust. Life is dramatic enough. Now I don’t have to worry about the unnecessary excess of emotional baggage.
Of course I am not a perfect friend either. I don’t keep in touch very well. I usually say the wrong thing at the most inappropriate time. I also say the wrong thing at the appropriate time. I generally just say the wrong thing a lot. It’s taken me years to learn what the true meaning of loyalty is. It’s taken a lot of observation to understand what consideration and love look like when you use them. But now one issue I don’t think I have to worry about as much is being a doormat. I am who I am and sometimes that’s a pushover, but I also have a better idea as to what being taken advantage of looks like. And I couldn’t have known that without the help of my (former) friends.
dirty

The Vicious Kind

26 Saturday Oct 2013

Posted by Meagan Sean in Dirty Little..., I Made This

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

my work, poetry, Random

DSC_0496
My love for you has grown teeth.
You are not afraid,
your teeth have nipped strangers who came too close.
Your teeth are bared when:
you smile
you speak
you sneer.

My teeth
(that my love for you has grown)
stay hidden.
But when you:
are mean
turn away
leave me

you will feel them
grazing your skin
tearing your shirt
leaving as many scars as
you’ve left on me.
dirty

← Older posts
Newer posts →

Who, me?


I consider myself an eccentric who looks good in jeans, or an amateur at adulthood. I live in Maine, enjoy writing and photography as creative outlets, and listen to some of the worst music you've ever heard. I’m good at sin and bad at following Christ, but I’m still letting Him take the lead. Dirty is my middle name. So is Sean.
The purpose of this blog is to keep a record while I'm unearthing treasures, mapping truths, and navigating life.

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Blogs by Christian Women

blogs by christian women

Categories

  • Adventures in Food (6)
  • Chronicles of Don't (6)
  • Cosmo-Girl (4)
  • Crafty Little… (11)
  • Dirty Dozen (27)
  • Dirty Little… (31)
  • Dirty's Reports (96)
  • Holidays (17)
  • Human Interest (60)
  • I Made This (3)
  • In Memoriam (4)
  • Inspirations (5)
  • SOAP (5)
  • Style (10)
  • Things TV Teaches Me (5)
  • Uncategorized (95)

Blogroll

  • A Beautiful Mess
  • A Softer World
  • Convos with my 2-year-old
  • Delightfully Tacky
  • Gala Darling
  • Good for the Soule
  • Good Women Project
  • Grace is for Sinners
  • Honestly…WTF
  • Ramshackle Glam
  • The Band Wife
  • The Beauty Department

Past Posts

No Instagram images were found.

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

Privacy & Cookies: This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this website, you agree to their use.
To find out more, including how to control cookies, see here: Cookie Policy
  • Subscribe Subscribed
    • Dirty Sean
    • Join 47 other subscribers
    • Already have a WordPress.com account? Log in now.
    • Dirty Sean
    • Subscribe Subscribed
    • Sign up
    • Log in
    • Report this content
    • View site in Reader
    • Manage subscriptions
    • Collapse this bar
 

Loading Comments...