Category Archives: Human Interest

Happy Easter.

07 Saturday Apr 2012

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Last year the message of Easter for me was to let go.

Last year I heard clearly that I needed to release the un-forgiveness I’d been harboring, and to set myself free from it’s chains.

Last year what I did was let myself become open to the opportunities before me.

Last year I was ready to fall in love.

Last year I was sure that there would be good things to come of my decisions.

This year I’m alone.  I’m not allowing myself the terror of considering romance again; it’s disappointing.  And I’m figuring out how God used the past year to draw me closer to Him.  He did, that is for sure.  He used my joy and my pain, and I know that without placing myself in His hands before everything else I would be devastated.

There is still hope.  God can use what turned out to be a variety pack of emotions and grab-bag of mistakes and sin for His good.  And Christ doesn’t have to die again to save me, he’s covered me completely for the rest of eternity.  He loves the mess he has saved.

Sticks & Stones

27 Tuesday Mar 2012

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According to the Jersey Shore nick name generator my nick name is The Incident. Very few people understand how extremely true to the bone that nick name is until they date me. I understand that I’m not always an easy person to deal with. I have ups and downs, good days and bad days, and I love people and I hate people and I repent and try to love people again. Without God I’d be straight up depressive trouble most days, and an addicted mess on the other days. Hence my deep gratitude for grace.

“Fear not, for you will not be ashamed; be not confounded, for you will not be disgraced; for you will forget the shame of your youth”  – Isaiah 54:4

With every drop of blood that was shed at the cross another chance for life was given to us, and not because we deserve it in any way. The legalistic, moralistic ways of the world like to do their best to pervert the truth, which is that there are some people that you don’t like that will get saved and we’re called to love them.  I like the way the woman who writes for Grace is for Sinners puts it:

“God’s grace is sufficient. You don’t get to pick your terms and sometimes this journey feels backward and forward at the same time. When you have to rely on grace, it’s a hard walk of faith to travel the territories run by a force working against you. But who can be against you when God is for you? People will look at your journey and wonder why you’re traveling there, why you’re keeping company with the other side. They’ll discredit you, slander you, and try to stop you all the while thinking they’re doing God a favor.”  (Grace is for Sinners)

Sometimes I see this happening in real life, where people believe that they have the ability to pick and chose who would be a good follower of Christ based on their standards or opinions.  I pray that I don’t do that.  I pray that I am able to follow Jesus without stopping to turn around and judge fellow Christians as if I have a right to.  As if I have been so redeemed that I can set some sort of standard for holiness.  No matter what is going on in my life, no matter where I am or what I’m dealing with, I can only hold tightly to the truth: that I am the worst of all sinners but He loves me anyway.

My Do Nothing to Do Anything Productive Ratio is Sad.

02 Friday Mar 2012

Posted by in Dirty's Reports, Human Interest

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I’ve been putting off posting since Monday because dearest Tink got engaged but made those who knew promise not to tell until she announced it officially (via Facebook, of course).  I’m so happy for her, and not surprised, and really glad to be a part of all the joy.

Another reason I couldn’t write or post this week is because I let myself be absolutely miserable the entire day on Tuesday and it took a few days to kick back into gear.  I just mourned the parts of my life that are going away, and the absences they accentuate.  Not only is one of my dearest friends getting married but I won’t be able to spend as much time with her to help plan, and I just moved and I had a great weekend with my BFF and now we’re separated again and school is starting on Monday and I’ll have to wake up soooooooo early and I’m single.  I was so pathetic.  I didn’t think of killing myself, but I did consider my funeral and what it’d be like if I died soon.  Dramatic, I know.  It’s really difficult to think clearly when in a haze of strong and deadly emotions.  Being lonely is the worst!

I realized that I’ve reached a new low.  It’s not just because I walked around boston in the cold rain so much that I may have pulled my hip muscle, and it’s not because I have been comparing and relating my life to the lives of lead characters from romantic comedies.  It’s not even the fact that I was deciding if my life was 27 Dresses or The Wedding Planner… It’s that The Wedding Planner won.

Both movies are soft core porn for women’s hearts, with similar stories and outcomes.  But the little things, the details of the women’s lives… that’s where I would say I’m more JLO than Heigl.  For instance, Heigl has a snarky BFF she works with who is always a little hung over and going for every guy in the room.  JLO has her dad’s friends that she grew up playing scrabble with who are all over the age of 60 and a work friend that she only sees at work (played, incidentally, by the same girl who is Heigl’s snarky BFF).

I firmly believe, were I in her position, I would be the 30-something who goes home to an empty house to watch Antiques Road Show, especially if my ex-fiancé had left me for his high school girlfriend who had thrown me a bridal shower.  That is way too much of a betrayal to trust other women over.

JLO says in The Wedding Planner “You know those who can’t do, teach?  Those who can’t wed…plan.”  I like that this is self-depreciating yet still says that she knows her shit, and well enough to make a good living from it.  Heigl?  She just loves weddings.  She wants to be a part of all the moments, and I think it’s selfish of her to do that, especially since she doesn’t seem to have friendships with women outside of the period of time in which they are engaged.  At least JLO is smart enough to let the people who have real relationships get their moments without her butting in with her epic curves.  She just creates the prettiness and takes home a paycheck, knowing she helped their day be unforgettable in the best way.  I consider myself a little more like a behind-the-scenes helper as well, not a bridesmaid who hogs the spotlight by always helping.

Another thing I like about JLO’s character is that she is willing to do the right thing even when it’s obviously the wrong thing for her.  She was willing to marry the guy her dad tried to set her up with because she was unwilling to be a home wrecker, no matter what could have happened without his girlfriend knowing.  She doesn’t get the guy in trouble, because she knows that he’s right when he calls her out on being bitter.  Heigl refuses to listen to everyone who calls her wedding obsession a little bonkers, and consequently puts herself into stressful situations where she ends up doing the wrong thing at the wrong time, like busting up her little sister’s engagement because she has feelings for the guy.  Some would call these character flaws relatable, but I call them an excuse for women to try doing mean and catty things while still ending up with a fairy tale ending.

But one of the biggest issues I have with myself getting so carried away into this comparison, not that it stopped me from writing it up, is that I’m not ever going to be these women.  And that’s because I have God.  I don’t need to idolize a moment of happiness, turn it into a career.  I can be free to live in the moments of joy through the closeness and love I have with Christ.

I continually go back to Psalm 131 these days to remind myself that I don’t want to think about things too big for me, like who I’ll spend the rest of my life with.  I can quiet my soul and dwell on the hope I have in the Lord.  I like how the amplified text says “Surely I have calmed and quieted my soul; like a weaned child with his mother, like a weaned child is my soul within me [ceased from fretting].” I think that my tendencies to worry about these things are absolutely a sign of immaturity, and my clinging to romantic stories is like a child clinging to its mother.

I’d like to see the Christian romantic comedy, where’s THAT one?  You know, the one where the guy is the girl’s friend’s ex-boyfriend so she won’t give him a chance.  The one where being in a physical relationship can be understood as playing with fire, but told in a relatable and funny way, because it is funny sometimes!  The story where the boy meets the girl at a mission’s retreat and instead of asking her out they fast and pray together to seek God’s will for their relationship.  Or I’d love to see the story that shows how a promising relationship doesn’t work out, but the girl has a knight in shining armor protecting her heart the entire time because she trusts that Christ has a good plan for her.  One where the Bible is presented as the ultimate romance novel, and the girl sees from a perspective that saves her from wallowing in self pity (most of the time) because she honestly loves God more than her own idea of a husband.

I think Focus Features will call me about this one.  They did the new Pride and Prejudice.  Or Summit Entertainment.  They did Twilight, I know they love this kind of thing.

Valentine Prayer

14 Tuesday Feb 2012

Posted by in Holidays, Human Interest

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Oh Lord, thank you for making Man.  I’m not talking about all of us in a “mankind-is-a-joy-in-all-it’s-ways”, I’m talking about the Men, the males, the opposite sex.  You did some great work.  Thank you for making them with strong arms and big hearts.  Thank you for giving them different wiring and desires.  They are reflections of a side of you I am not, and it can be difficult and comforting to learn from them. 

God, thank you for each of the boys, guys, men that you’ve put in my life.  Thank you for my dad, for the uncles that are and aren’t related, for the brothers and cousins and sweethearts.  You’ve given each of them a purpose and sometimes I get to be a part of it and sometimes I just get to watch their journeys.  I pray, Lord, that your will would be done in their lives, that your purposes for them would be revealed and that you would guide and encourage them.  I pray that those who don’t know you yet will see your grace that brings salvation, and that your heart will draw them to the knowledge of your justice and the price Christ has paid.  Lord, use things that happen in their lives to reveal you in ways that are unexpected and tender.  And I pray that you would continue, as the ever present help in times of need, and as the king whose court we serve, that you would keep those who already know you close to you.  Let them see where they belong, what your purposes are, and who you desire to have in their lives.  So often, God, I really think that I know what’s best for the guys in my life and I know that’s not true.  I don’t know them like you do, and I don’t know their stories like you do.  Thank you for always being able to put them where they need to be, and help me to remember not to trouble my heart over what is not my concern. 

Lord, it’s entirely possible that you’ve got someone picked out for me to marry.  I know that what I want isn’t always what you’ve got planned, and Lord, I will not occupy myself with things too great and too marvelous for me.  I will wait on what you’ve got planned and continue to calm and quiet my soul.  But while I’m waiting to see where you bring me, while I pray that you’re preparing my heart for someone, please be preparing his.  You’ve written our names on the palm of your hand, and you’ve collected every tear we’ve cried in a special stellar bottle.  While I spend my life waiting on you I pray that he is a man who waits on you as well, and that he will be safe in the protection of your grace and mercy.  I pray that he will be a reflection of your heart, and that I will be able to love him best in the ways that you have planned.

Thank you for being enough.  Thank you for being enough for me to not need what I don’t have right now.  Thank you for promising to be better than everything I’ll ever have here on earth, and for life.  You’re the steward of my heart, mind and body.  You’re the love of my life.

Greatest Adventures of Primetime Bible-Study-Hopping

27 Friday Jan 2012

Posted by in Dirty's Reports, Human Interest

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A while ago one of the guys at my bible study challenged the group to be able to not only memorize verses, but to be able to cite them.  This is indeed a challenge for me, as I can usually remember a story or a certain message and where ont he page it is located, but not always word for word or the reference.  I have been trying, though, and even though I’m not always successful this practice has brought me new understanding about my relationship with the Word. 
Keeping this challenge in mind I have started to notice if fellow Christians are memorizing word for word, if they are looking at verses in context, and if they are recalling the reference as well.  I’m still pretty awful at it on a regular basis, even this week I went to bring up a verse and completely forgot what book it was in.  I was surprised I remembered so much of it, I could see it in my mind at the bottom of the right page and continued on for a few sentences at the top of the next page… but the reference?  Gone.  (It was 1 Corinthians 1:18-25 and thankfully I didn’t misinterpret it.)
So keeping all this in mind, last week I found myself in an awkward situation.
I went to my friend’s bible study at a different church.  It was way different from 20 people piled on top of each other.  The small group was 30+ people, and there were about a thousand small groups.  It was interesting, and it introduced me to new challenges, like paying attention to so many people giving their names and the last meal they would eat if on death row (I hate ice breakers) and not laughing in the face of the group leader.
Before you start thinking it, let me inform you of this: I’m an asshole.  This group leader deserves a lot of credit.  He obviously has a strong passion for Christ.  He’s smart, focused in the way that only a former athlete can be, and has a huge heart for people.  He also is very into his lesson plan, and very intent on the group digging into the word and using more than one scripture to make a point.  I was all, “Oh hey, what a good idea!  It’s like a research paper/discussion about what I’m getting from the bible!  Challenge accepted.”
So I’m pretty impressed because this guy knows the book of Mark and the other gospels inside out, and I’m learning a few things while being the loudmouth that I am and adding to the discussion.  Then he brings up Sodom and Gomorrah to illustrate a point.  He explained to the group how God warned Lot he was going to bring judgment on the city he lived in and how because of this chance Lot got to bargain for the city, asking if there were 10 righteous people for the city to be spared, 5 righteous, 1 righteous person.  And because God gave him that warning Lot got the chance to try to save people.
I facepalmed.
Genesis 18:16-33 tells a story about how the Lord was visiting with Abraham, telling him about how Sarah was going to be pregnant in a year, and decided to send two of his angels to check out how awful S&G were.  The Lord told Abraham about how he would be raining judgment down on the cities, and he allowed Abraham to plead for the cities.  He asked that the people be spared if 50 men were righteous, and begged that number down to 10. 
Being the person I am, I turned to the guy sitting next to me to educate him.  I felt we had begun a comradery, since we both used our phones impolitely during the meeting to text and look up scripture.  I whispered at him, “It wasn’t 1 person, it was 10.  And it wasn’t Lot, it was Abraham!”
I honestly felt a little too embarrassed for the leader to tell him in front of everyone that he just used a story to illustrate a point that was told so inaccurately that Fox news would be all over using him as an anchor for their national programming.  So my new pal, being supportive and grateful for this correction, turns to me and whispers,
“Know-it-all!”

Facepalm.