To many humans and animals, I seem to have an attitude problem.  I’m a bit dry.  Sometimes I think I’m smarter than other people.  And I’ve even been known to mouth off just because I can.
I’ve been attempting to work at this because I’ve been attempting to find the right attitude to apply to my prayer life.  The way I interact with God should be the way I prepare my heart for other people, and the way I interact with people exposes something of my heart for God.  In the past I’ve found that I get to places where I can’t think of what to pray.  I’ve also tried to suggest to God that my plans are better than his.  And I’ve thrown temper tantrums at him.
But somehow I’ve been finding myself needing to become more and more humble in prayer, and more willing to see what God’s plans are and to accept them as better than mine.  I’ve also found myself more expectant and reliant on him, not that I think I’ll always get what I want, but I’m trying to see where he’s moving and doing great things. 
In Luke 18 Jesus told a parable of a pharisee and a tax collector, and illustrated the differences of their hearts through their behavior at the temple.  The pharisee felt entitled, self-righteous, and was pretty much being a jackass.  The tax collector couldn’t even look towards heaven because he was so ashamed of himself and cried out for mercy from God.

“I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted.”

I’ve been guilty of praying for things like I deserve them.  I will be again.  I’m human.  But that’s not the way we should be approaching the throne of grace.  It’s not the way Christ did it, and as a people who are attempting to reflect him to the world we should be mindful of how he broke himself before God.  Hebrews 5:7 says that

During the days of Jesus’ life on earth, he offered up prayers and petitions with loud cries and tears to the one who could save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverent submission.

It doesn’t say that he was heard because he was God’s kid.  It doesn’t say that he was saved from the cross because he prayed.  It does say that he learned obedience through his suffering, and that through his reverent submission he was used as the perfect secret weapon to overthrow satan’s endgame; becoming the eternal source of salvation for all.  As Philippians 2:8&9 say

And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
and became obedient to death—
even death on a cross!
Therefore God exalted him to the highest place
and gave him the name that is above every name

I will never be Christ, never ever in my life now or the next one.  I will never be perfect.  But I am cleansed in his blood and have been given a new life, a new name, a new legacy.  When God looks at me he sees one of his children.  And according to my research what he wants from my prayer life is humility , a broken spirit, and a heart willing to do his will even/especially when that has nothing to do with mine.

We who are strong ought to bear with the failings of the weak and not to please ourselves.  Each of us should please our neighbors for their good, to build them up.  For even Christ did not please himself but, as it is written: “The insults of those who insult you have fallen on me.”  For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through the endurance taught in the Scriptures and the encouragement they provide we might have hope.
May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you the same attitude of mind toward each other that Christ Jesus had,  so that with one mind and one voice you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.
Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.

Basically the word is telling us to rely on each other for help when sin is tempting us or seeping into our lives, which I know it does to me on a regular basis (Romans 7:21 has it right,  “So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me.”).  And while it is wonderful to hear others bikini-wax-poetic on things-that-they-struggled-with-in-the-past-but-through-grace-are-freed-from, I find it hard to believe that the young adults I am honored to share this time with don’t ever come to the group beaten within an inch of their sanity by a week of spiritual battle, or angry at the douche-bag that cut them off at the exit, or mulling over what that co-worker said about their pants, because really, who irons their jeans? 
Don’t get me wrong, if the truth is that everyone has weeks that culminate in assorted blessings and overcoming all obstacles then I’m happy for them!  Praise and glory to God for your week!  But what that isn’t the case?  I’m concerned that there is a certain fear in the group that keeps us from using it as the spiritual resource that it should be, a group of like-minded Christians who will accept and love each other no matter how badly we screw up. 
There is an incredible article here that illustrates what I am concerned with through some thoughts on Jennifer Knapp and her recent scandalous confessions.  I felt sadness when I read the article because what it said resonated with me about groups of Christians: sometimes we feel a world of pressure to appear to have it all together, consequently disengaging ourselves from vulnerable, authentic fellowship. 

Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted.  Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. – Galatians 6: 1&2

If we don’t share our burdens with our brothers and sisters in Christ, how will we be able to pray for each other?  How will we be able to encourage each other with scripture and teachings?  Who will we be confiding in and will they be able to help our spiritual battles or just lend listening ears?  I feel that it would be to our benefit to lean on each other, not only in that as a sinner we can find comfort and grace in the word of Christ and His Divine love as it is given through others, but because in order to progress in our spiritual walks we will need to exercise our ability to help others, to be able to offer them strength and encouragement in a Godly way.
Of all the scriptures I can use to encourage the group,1 Corinthians is what I feel we should consider at times when we want to keep our mouths shut because we’re embarrassed of ourselves.  According to what I’ve read, Paul was the founder and teacher of the church in Corinth, but when he got reports on their behavior he was none too pleased.  The people of Corinth were not even struggling with sin, they were flaunting it.  But Paul didn’t just tell them off, drop them in the gutter and let God deal with it.  He wrote to them letters of encouragement and teaching, gave them advice and continued to love and pray for them through their times of darkness.  So while they were getting rebuked left and right, it was also to their benefit to be called on their sins because it gave them a chance to be directed towards a life lived in the ways of God. 
In conclusion, I’d like to call to mind Romans 12: 3-8 

For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you.  For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others.  We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your faith; if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead, do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully.

I was looking into the Holy Spirit about two weeks ago because I got a book on it and it bored me and I couldn’t read it.  Basically, I accidentally started investigating the Spirit because I started randomly reading Corinthians, and I found the following:

…these are the things God has revealed to us by his Spirit.    The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God.  For who knows a person’s thoughts except their own spirit within them? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God.  What we have received is not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, so that we may understand what God has freely given us. – 1 Cor 2:10-12

It pretty much blew my mind to think of things in this context, which I believe is true, but for some reason it’s taken me 23 years to understand in this fashion: Since we are made in God’s image we are the same basic formatting as he is, one could say.  Which means that in the same way we have a spirit, HE has a Spirit.  The difference is that he can send his Spirit to commune (Verb, second meaning – to communicate intimately) with us.  I didn’t know that there was anyone that could take a soul/spirit out of a living being without killing it aside from a Dementor, and they don’t exist.  So this is very cool to me.  Then I continued reading and found this:

 But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all the truth. He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come.  He will glorify me because it is from me that he will receive what he will make known to you.  All that belongs to the Father is mine. That is why I said the Spirit will receive from me what he will make known to you.” – John 16:13-15

There are some things that I know I don’t really think about when it comes to the Holy Spirit, for instance, I don’t think about what it wears, whether it’s allergic to shellfish, if it has flat feet, does it like canopy beds, if Scooby-Doo were real would it make a visit and lasting impression on the always hungry crime spotting pooch?  I also don’t ask about where it’s intel comes from.  But now that I think about it, there have been many times I have seen people being “led by the spirit” that have done things that I think were really not of the spirit at all.  And I know that I get confused and overwhelmed with all the thoughts that come at me, and sometimes I can’t tell what is the truth and what is just filling up the silence.  So I find it really comforting to know that whatever the Holy Spirit is telling me is from the Father and the Son, and so if I want to find confirmation I can look to their word.
And back in connection to that lovely verse from Corinthians, I found this one:

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. – John 14:27

While we know that what Christ gives us is pure grace and mercy, more than we could ever hope for, it’s hard sometimes to remember things in the correct perspective.  He did not give to us as the world would give to us, because He is not of the world.  So everything that we do, every little sin that we commit, ever attempt at being better so we deserve what we already have is in vain.  He already gave to us his peace, his Spirit, his everlasting and unfailing love.  So instead of focusing on what we’ve done in the past and how to fix it, what we should be focusing on is making an effort to obtain the praise that comes from our only God (John 5:44).  Not praise that we be glorified, no, but if God decided to turn to me just once and say “That was well done, you’re definitely my girl and I’m proud of you.  Now go take out the trash…” I’m pretty sure I’d be able to die happily, because I would know that I had done good work for my Father. 
I’ll try to get a real article on here tomorrow, something that is less random and a little more connected.  I’ve just got too many things buzzing through my head right now to really write anything down. 

I’ve been feeling very void these days.  It’s strange, whenever there is a work of God happening in my life I end up feeling empty in a way.  The entire concepts of being a temple for the Spirit and a vessel to be filled are taking on new meanings for me.
The past few days have been up and down for me, but it’s mostly my own fault.  On the one hand, nothing really bad has been happening.  In fact, God has been proving himself faithful to his word just as I asked.  It’s actually a bit terrifying, yet strangely the most incredibly comfort.  I’m unsure of the future, but he obviously has it under control.  I just get nervous and scared because I want to be used by God and actually feel like I’m in a place of submission to his will, which means that anything could happen.  I only know I’m heading in that direction because of the following:

1. When I have an idea to do something and it’s really a nudge from the Holy Spirit my hands start to shake as soon as I decide to get it done.  My hands have been shaking a lot.
2. I’ve been seeing just how silly it is to think I am the one who can handle anything about my life. In fact, today’s story has been brought to you by a cup of coffee, half a sandwich, and this very point I’m trying to make and will now expand on.

The other day I felt a random urge to call an old friend.  She will be known as Tink because she feels things 100% just like a fairy, which by the way is adorable.  Tink and I ended up having coffee and tea, respectively, and a really cool conversation.  It sort of surprised me that we can talk like we do and that she was willing to be open with me since we haven’t been able to connect in a while, but it might just be a perk of knowing someone for almost 15 years.  At one point she ended up (quite innocently, for the record) asking me about something that… caught me off guard.  At the time it simply had the effect of reminding me to get my guard back up.  But later another friend took a different angle with the same question, and I started (for lack of a better term) flipping my shit.  My thought process went something like this:

Oh CRAP why are people paying attention to me?  Why are they thinking about me?  I need to get back under the radar.  I need to stop drawing attention to myself.  I haven’t been drawing attention to myself.  I need to isolate.  I need to stop doing this, that, and these things.  I need to be more aware of my actions…

Look at that!  For the first time in a while (which I only know because I haven’t been feeling strung out like that recently) I was taking my “problem” into my own hands.  I got to meet up with Tink again and I told her about how I was feeling (and of course, telling her it’s all her fault even though it’s not at all).  She kindly reminded me that while people are going to talk it’s our jobs as christians to stand in truth, which is not to say we go around and tell everyone they are right or wrong or to mind their own B I Business.  To stand in truth is about knowing what is true and believing that God will let it be known if/when it’s His will.
As I write this now I am so thankful for Tink.  She’s been able to gently rebuke my super-emo-14-year-old-girl spirit and help me re-gather my thoughts.  Not to mention, Tink has the kind of energy that is inspiring and contagious, even on days she feels “blah” and “weird” (her words, not mine).  She is also serving as a symbol of encouragement for me in that old friendships can be rebuilt, and having a solid friend of faith doesn’t mean you have to be on best behavior with each other at all times.  I know that I accept whatever flaws she may happen to have, and I believe she accepts mine. 
So back to my original story, while I feel that God likes using me as a mouth piece sometimes I feel that he has been guiding me towards not being quite so mouthy.  Along with that he’s been giving me solid anecdotal evidence that when I submit all things to him, finances, relationships, thoughts, he can take care of it all.  I’ve realized that God wants me to be taking a back seat in a few situations so that he can take the wheel, embarrassing as it is to be referencing a country song.  It would be easier if I could sleep in cars, though. 

I was really close to naming Maxwell "Pooka". They have the same color hair!

This past week I’ve found myself being a bit of a brat in prayer.  I generally don’t like asking for help, and I really don’t like asking for things I don’t feel I deserve.  I have been reading some old testament and realizing that there were cases of people asking God for things because they could, because he can do anything, because he wants to give us things.  So I decided that I would ask him for what I want, and I did, but I don’t always hear him answer.  In fact, I’m sort of awful at subtleties, so usually I don’t have any idea if he’s listening.  So this week I told him I need an answer to something, a sign or a verse or whatever it is he wants to give me, just so I know if I’m heading in the right direction or not. 
During church I did a little bible reading and came across a verse I had underlined before, Isaiah 55:8, then promptly forgot it.  Later, when we got back to ME my mom and I were chatting about the future and the weekend and all kinds of things, and at some point I told her (again) that I don’t think I’m in a position to be any good to a guy at this time.  She sort of looked, then told me that it’s not good to decide for myself what I do and don’t deserve, because God knows better than I do.  Then she whipped out her king james version and read all of Isaiah 55 to me.  Oh, snap!  Wasn’t that what I had just looked at earlier?  I guess in my distraction at church I forgot about reading more than one verse, and I missed a good amount of context.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
   neither are your ways my ways,”
            declares the LORD.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth,
   so are my ways higher than your ways
   and my thoughts than your thoughts.
As the rain and the snow
   come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
   without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
   so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
 so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
   It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
   and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
You will go out in joy
   and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and hills
   will burst into song before you,
and all the trees of the field
   will clap their hands.
Instead of the thornbush will grow the juniper,
   and instead of briers the myrtle will grow.
This will be for the LORD’s renown,
   for an everlasting sign,
   that will endure forever.”  – Isaiah 55:8-13

My spiritual head hurt from being smacked really hard by God’s word.  Again.  Who am I to know what I do and don’t deserve?  What I can and cannot do? 
This theme has been going on for at least a week, and of course it regards specifically the one area of my life that I want nothing to do with: the love life.  Whether its friends that ask me repeatedly why I don’t want to date/am not looking for someone or conversations with like-hearted people about the longing to be married and part of a kick-ass team, or just talking about what I pray I’ll find in “the one”, the topic has been popping up all over the place.  And then there is this excerpt from Isaiah, where God has chosen to rebuke me (gently, which is funny because I don’t seem to rebuke others gently at all) by telling me that he loves me, I don’t know what he has planned and never will but I shouldn’t worry about it.  But the biggest point he made is that he has never invested himself in something that didn’t accomplish what he wanted it to.  If he decides to give someone something they want it yields fruit for him, whether or not the person thinks they deserve it or can handle what they’ve been given.  He can change us through his living word and holy spirit to become the right vessels for what he wants to enrich us with (“instead of the thornbush will grow the juniper, and instead of briers the myrtle will grow”). 
It could be that I’m still not quite getting it or I’m using my fear as an excuse to play dumb, but it sounds like he’s trying to tell me to quit closing myself off from what he might just want to give me at some point.  And I’ll tell you what, I don’t know if I like that idea!  I feel like I’m not ready for that kind of thing, like I have to go into a boot camp to make sure I’m going to be fully prepared or something.  It would be comforting if I weren’t so very sure that I will end up messing up someone else and myself and have a slut-spiral that takes me to the pits I’ve just been climbing out of.  And of course, this just proves HIS point: I’m an idiot because I think I know better than he does about what I can and can’t be good for. 
*headdesk*
Also, I’m pretty sure I got my prayers answered this week, pertaining to whether or not I’m trying in the right direction.  One of the women at church came up to me after service and told me that she has an extra room in her house that she regularly rents out, and if I found a job and stuff she’d love to discuss having me stay there. 
So, in conclusion, ladies and jellyspoons, I think that God’s really been helping me out since I made a point of going to him instead of folding in on myself about last week.  Please, like me, be encouraged and excited about the possibilities that lie ahead.  But unlike me, don’t pee your pants when you think about them.