I was preparing to sit down and write about maturity but I couldn’t figure out what I would say because I have a log in my eye that’s making it hard to focus.
Since I have some time before I start school I have decided to use as much of it as possible to focus on God. I told God about this, and he seems to think it’s a good idea. I even told him that if there are things I need to work on in my heart that we should do that, really dig deep.
And now I think that may have been stupid. I only say this because it’s not even february and I’ve found myself getting flipped upside down. Parts of me are getting exposed that I didn’t even know existed! And it’s embarrassing! When I pray for the Holy Spirit to dig up things for some reason I assume it will take some time, like the crevice that my issues are stuck is really tight and the H. Sizzle needs to get WD 40 to loosen it up. But no, the H. Sizzle is like hydrogen peroxide. It gets right in there and things start fizzing and I get confused because I can’t tell where the sounds are coming from. So now I’ve found myself in a new space that is clear and contained, where God is bringing things that have been dwelling deep in my heart to the surface. The deep-heart-dwellers that I’ve been harboring, turning to, and believing.
- That was my last chance, I will be alone forever.
- People don’t really care about me. They forget me or get sick of me.
- This is going to be too hard, I have to give up too much and I won’t be happy.
Naked and ashamed. I’m absolutely ashamed to see what I’ve allowed to take anchor in my heart. Because it’s unbelief. And it’s been here so long I didn’t realize it was there. But now it’s come to the surface, and it’s ugly in the light. These things are the parts of me that don’t feel that God is enough. Giving myself over to his will has nothing to do with my feelings and everything to do with choice. I will choose to believe it’s better. Better than my feelings are trying to tell me it will be. Better than what I can expect. Better than the lies.
Me thinks the best way for me to battle these deep-heart-dwellers, to gut them, to erase them from the walls of my heart, is to remember the truth. To equip myself each day, preaching the gospel to my own heart in the morning. It’s important to use the word as the weapon that it is, to strike at the root of the problem with the strength of the living God who can do anything.
- Alone or not, what I have is the best for me in this moment – “For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor. No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly.” Psalm 84:11
- My community does not define my character or worth, and the time I spend thinking about other people’s thoughts about me, or thinking in judgmental ways about other people… It’s a misuse of time I could spend with God – “As long as it is day, we must do the work of him who sent me. Night is coming, when no one can work.” John 9:4
- I have no reason to worry. – “But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” Matthew 6:33&34