I am procrastinating very well these days, thank you for asking. I seem to go through swings of being above everything in my room and absolutely unafraid of barreling forward and throwing things away! Packing things! Folding laundry! Cleaning! And then I swing back down low and cower at my desk or on my bed because I don’t want to touch anything. Ever. Again. I have found some pretty cool ways to not do anything productive though, including reading the bible, procrastinating writing on my blog, writing recipes on index cards, looking through magazines for recipes, scrolling through tumblr, playing with my hair and make-up, wearing interesting (that means a little more effort goes into them) outfits, drinking, watching Gossip Girl, watching Veronica Mars, learning how to do a Rubik’s Cube, making bracelets, and playing my guitar.
I’m not sure why I’m being so lazy, but I do know that it’s become a classic Tina Fey move of turning good news into anxiety. I look at everything I have to do and start to think about why I have to do it and start to think about what my life will be in less than a month and I start feeling that clutching claw of stress on my chest and I stop thinking about folding my laundry to make it go away.
In order to do something “productive” I decided to start reading what we’ll be diving into at church, Colossians. I read chapter one while I couldn’t sleep, because with anxiety comes insomnia, and a certain passage really caught my attention.
He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation. For by him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities–all things were created through him and for him. And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together. – Colossians 1:15-17
I was so tired and I was so sad and I was so overwhelmed and I felt every part of the emotions that would give me the confirmation that I cannot do this, I cannot get my shit together and I cannot even pretend to be a grown up and I cannot wake up early and I cannot go to school and I cannot do this. And I read this, and that in him all things hold together. And I took a breath, and I bent my will and I gave up trying to do everything I cannot. I told God the truth, that if HE doesn’t hold me together I will fall apart, and that I need HIM to be holding me together now, and that now will continue for the rest of my life.