One of the most difficult things I wrestle with is impure intention. I go into things with intentions that are not of God all the time. I decide to read my bible because I know that when I don’t I get crabby. I decide to stuff my anxiety down because it’s going to make me miserable, and it’s not being a very good Christian to have anxiety. I go into Christian settings like church or bible study to see if I am still able to get or give anything to the group, and if I haven’t gotten some affirmation from someone that night I go home defeated.
My faith seems to have become a word I throw around and don’t internalize. I have been using it as a bookend, a wall, a refuge, but not in the right way. I say that I have faith and then I turn around and don’t let myself think about things, give things to God, or pray. I still walk the same way, wading through the same sins, because I don’t use faith as a reason to hold onto God’s promise of having been credited righteousness, just as a reason to pretend I’m tougher than the problems I am facing.
Stagnancy is gross guys. It really is. I’ve managed to let what could be a renewed heart turn into something you don’t want to find in the back of your fridge. Today I am trying to turn my heart towards the light of God’s mercy, and there’s a little more shame to it than I thought would be. When did all this mold get here? What have I been doing with myself? When did I decide I was too full to continue seeking God’s word? I was so convinced I was full that I’ve started to starve.
“Blessed are you who are poor, for yours is the kingdom of God. Blessed are you who are hungry now, for you shall be satisfied.”