One of the most difficult things I wrestle with is impure intention. I go into things with intentions that are not of God all the time. I decide to read my bible because I know that when I don’t I get crabby. I decide to stuff my anxiety down because it’s going to make me miserable, and it’s not being a very good Christian to have anxiety. I go into Christian settings like church or bible study to see if I am still able to get or give anything to the group, and if I haven’t gotten some affirmation from someone that night I go home defeated.
My faith seems to have become a word I throw around and don’t internalize. I have been using it as a bookend, a wall, a refuge, but not in the right way. I say that I have faith and then I turn around and don’t let myself think about things, give things to God, or pray. I still walk the same way, wading through the same sins, because I don’t use faith as a reason to hold onto God’s promise of having been credited righteousness, just as a reason to pretend I’m tougher than the problems I am facing.
Stagnancy is gross guys. It really is. I’ve managed to let what could be a renewed heart turn into something you don’t want to find in the back of your fridge. Today I am trying to turn my heart towards the light of God’s mercy, and there’s a little more shame to it than I thought would be. When did all this mold get here? What have I been doing with myself? When did I decide I was too full to continue seeking God’s word? I was so convinced I was full that I’ve started to starve.
“Blessed are you who are poor, for yours is the kingdom of God. Blessed are you who are hungry now, for you shall be satisfied.”
Dirty Sean 
That my Beautiful friend was a truly beautiful post. It is true that you are now on the right path. When you internalized and began to share with God your heart in its true light and felt the shame and ask for forgiveness and help. I am very proud of you for what that is worth. The courage to face your true self and seek to truly change is the first step in being honest with God and being truly connected with his power of creation. I wish in some ways that I had found that path much sooner yet the gift of depth and color has been added through the sometimes dark and crooked path I chose. The energy of Gods love is perhaps different yet I feel that as we are all connected to that energy we may all feel it the same. I feel when I am truly aware of my thoughts both negative and positive my creators way is the choice of free will if I choose free will with love and my heart I feel a very intense energy flow through my body and a tingling sensation of loving energy throughout my soul or heart. I waited for way to many years as was my destiny the haunting of my sins eating away like acid etching away till my soul hit the dirt. I have no religion only the influence of many religions and many loving ways of the Eastern culture are strong in my spiritual education as well as the oldest known religion on the planet Earth the Hindu religion. I searched my soul and found my path through confessing and sharing lovingly and willing seeking his love and forgiveness. Kudos to you I will say that it takes a while and diligence as well as vigilance to build and maintain that relationship a lifetimes worth. You are laying a strong foundation. Remember to always love yourself as God does and as a Christian Your Lord and mine Will give you love and light in the darkest or lightest of times. Obviously your post and your heart have touched mine and I ask our Lord for a special gift that he may share the energy of my love as he shares his with you. You have given me a gift of love I wish to send back to you with his grace you will feel it ten fold and know his power and love from your heart and soul. Thank you for such a gift as you have shared with and from your heart.