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Dirty Sean

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Dirty Sean

Author Archives: Meagan Sean

The Difference

02 Monday Dec 2013

Posted by Meagan Sean in Dirty Little..., Dirty's Reports

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Nugget 'O Truth

bfrommorons
Some days are better than others. Some days bring sunshine and roses and others make you want to cut people and become a hermit. Some days I want to shove people into traffic and put locks on the doors in my room so no one will ever bother me again. On these days I find myself thinking “I want to believe God is good. I really think he is. Maybe I’ll see it if I just keep saying it…”
God has so much more patience for me than I deserve. On my bad days I am like Israel, walking in the direction that God has pointed me and complaining the entire time. I underestimate the amount of grace that has been given because I figure that since God has given it to me he won’t really pay attention to the times when I doubt, when I covet, when I decide to stay unsatisfied.

“But godliness with contentment is great gain, for we brought nothing into the world, and we cannot take anything out of the world. But if we have food and clothing, with these we will be content.” – 1 Timothy 6:6-8

How easy it is to see the things that I want so badly as a need. I don’t need to see some wonderful miracle to have proof that God is good. In fact, I don’t even need to have proof. The only proof I need is what he has already given me, life.
So I want to stop thinking of God being good as something that I hope to see. I don’t need to have good things happen in order to know that God is good. I don’t need a mantra to try to cling to sanity on bad days, I need to bow my heart when I say “God is good” and believe it.
dirty

Dirty Dozen: Thanksgiving

27 Wednesday Nov 2013

Posted by Meagan Sean in Dirty Dozen, Holidays

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Dirty Dozen

winston1winston2

  1. Knowing God’s comfort has been so essential to me this year. Last year at this time I was driving to the airport in Boston with my brother to pick up Derek. Last year right after Thanksgiving Derek came over and made us Jack Daniels Cheese Burgers. They were delicious. That was the last time I saw him before he died. The only thing that has kept me in some semblance of sanity is knowing who God is and that he is near to the brokenhearted.
  2. God has provided for me and my family time and again this year. When I needed a job, He dropped one in my lap. When I needed another job He guided me to it. He has been able to keep a roof over our heads and food in our bellies.
  3. My parents just had their 3rd anniversary. Technically they were married for 20 years and then divorced, and then remarried each other. They don’t make marriage look easy, but they do prove that they have the will to fight for their relationship.
  4. We found a church to be a part of that is local and incredibly sweet. God managed to help us find a part of his body to be a part of when we really needed it, and I am personally so thankful for that.
  5. My distance from my BFF has become much smaller, which is one of the very best parts of living in Maine. Maybe the only part I like most days. It’s much easier to make plans to see her when I don’t have to travel 4 hours to do so.
  6. Brady was brought into the world this year. As my BFF’s firstborn I know that I will forever love the little man. I don’t get to see him nearly enough but I’m even thankful for hearing him cry over the phone.
  7. God has been really faithful to slam doors in my face this year. This is something I have learned after the fact, and something I have been very humbled by. When the things I wanted were in reach and God decided they weren’t what I needed he took them away, even with me kicking and screaming to have them back. And now I can see these restrictions as blessings.
  8. Being able to hang out with my brother is my choice favorite. He and I are both getting busier with work, but I wouldn’t be able to handle life without him this year. I already love him, but the more I get to know him and his character the more pride I take in what kind of person I’m related to.
  9. Books have been a very good thing recently, even if it’s just rereading old favorites.
  10. Being single is not always something I feel blessed about but the more I learn about myself and where God needs to work on my heart the more I am thankful that no one else has to deal with me right now.
  11. I still get to cut hair on the side and that is such a blessing. It’s still what I love to do, but I’m sort of glad I don’t have to work in a salon. I never seem to fit in to them.
  12. Of course, Maxwell.

maxwell
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Chronicles of Don’t: Thoughts on Friends

04 Monday Nov 2013

Posted by Meagan Sean in Chronicles of Don't, Dirty's Reports

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Chronicles of Don't, complaining, Human Interest, True Life

sbbff

I have had a few different best friends. My sister; we bonded over Stockholm syndrome. My best friend from high school; we went through a lot of stuff and she’s still important to me. My best friend from college; still my best friend. I’ve also had the pleasure of keeping in touch with certain people over the years who i consider to be good friends.
And then there are the Don’ts.
I used to have the opposite of trust issues. I wouldn’t call myself gullible, but I was optimistic about the people in my life being honest and truthful, caring and considerate. Now I see that I was naive.
My superhuman ability to trust people created a doormat of a person. I would allow people to walk all over me.

You were supposed to be here at 6 and it’s 6:45? I’m sure there’s a good reason for it.
You only keep me around so that you can feel thinner/more educated/more sophisticated/tell a more stories/never feel threatened that the cute guy will choose to talk to you? Great, lots of pressure off me.
You want me to let you into your ex boyfriends building so you can have another confrontation? I’m your girl!
You want to only contact me when it’s convenient for you, every 8 months or so? I’ll answer my phone, no worries.
Your mom died? Please, let me introduce you to my mom so you can have some positive maternal figure in your life.
Wait, you mom didn’t die? But, wait, why did you tell the entire faculty at school that she did? Why did you need to get a loan from my mother and never pay it back? Why did you have to live with my mother rent free, take a free trip to California? Why did you decide to lie about your brother dying as well? Why did you lie about being pregnant? Is the kid you swear up and down that you had in college real? No?
Wait, why am I doing this?

That was the first turning point. Knowing that someone could lie so thoroughly about everything and get away with it, leeching as much as possible from the lives of people who care about them… I stopped being so optimistic.
Then there was almost 10 years of friendship that were voided when I gave a bad haircut. No excuses, a bad haircut is a bad haircut, also I can hardly remember what it turned out to be. I like to block out bad memories I guess. But what did get seared into my mind was the phone call where I was told some of the most hurtful things I’ve ever had to listen to. She was my best friend through so many years, and just like that the entire friendship dissolved. I wanted to believe that the good qualities of our friendship would outweigh the negative ones, but ultimately our friendship is one I don’t miss much.
And life without these friendships is less dramatic. I didn’t realize how much room in my brain was being taken up with stupid fights, hissy fits, drug problems, eating disorders, health issues, my own constant fear of someone I love killing themselves somehow just because I had decided to keep people in my life who didn’t deserve my trust. Life is dramatic enough. Now I don’t have to worry about the unnecessary excess of emotional baggage.
Of course I am not a perfect friend either. I don’t keep in touch very well. I usually say the wrong thing at the most inappropriate time. I also say the wrong thing at the appropriate time. I generally just say the wrong thing a lot. It’s taken me years to learn what the true meaning of loyalty is. It’s taken a lot of observation to understand what consideration and love look like when you use them. But now one issue I don’t think I have to worry about as much is being a doormat. I am who I am and sometimes that’s a pushover, but I also have a better idea as to what being taken advantage of looks like. And I couldn’t have known that without the help of my (former) friends.
dirty

The Vicious Kind

26 Saturday Oct 2013

Posted by Meagan Sean in Dirty Little..., I Made This

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my work, poetry, Random

DSC_0496
My love for you has grown teeth.
You are not afraid,
your teeth have nipped strangers who came too close.
Your teeth are bared when:
you smile
you speak
you sneer.

My teeth
(that my love for you has grown)
stay hidden.
But when you:
are mean
turn away
leave me

you will feel them
grazing your skin
tearing your shirt
leaving as many scars as
you’ve left on me.
dirty

SOAP: Thoughts on Soil

21 Monday Oct 2013

Posted by Meagan Sean in Dirty Little..., SOAP

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My Philosophy, Nugget 'O Truth

DSC_0536Scripture:

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.” – Galatians 5:22&23

Observation: When we are living life through the Spirit of God our qualities become more like His. I do not have many of these qualities. And I need them.
Breaking down the concept of fruit, how does one get fruit? Through a plant. How does one grow a plant? By planting a seed. How does one get a good, healthy, strong plant that grows amazingly delicious fruit? By planting it in good soil and tending to it.
I can see that I’m missing some of the fruit of the Spirit in my life, and I’m convicted. I have not been tending the seed of faith that God gave me, and I may even be polluting it’s soil.
On a side note, this realization has nothing to do with anyone else. I’m the kind of person that will compare things in my life to anyone else’s, and this conviction has nothing to do with anyone I have compared myself with, it’s just a straight up message from God that’s popped up on my hard drive. As Galatians says in chapter 6, each one should test his own actions so that he can take pride in himself without comparing himself to somebody else, because each one should carry their own load.

Application: I have this conviction that I need to start “tending the garden”, so to speak. And I feel, above the human tendency toward shame and guilt, blessed to have a God who wants to show me that I need to change some things. His guidance and mercy in this revelation gives me more faith in what He can do, and more determination to start “tending the garden”. So how do I do this?
I read recently that the fruit of the Spirit grows in the soil of obedience. Them’s strong words for a rebellious sinner like me. But I’ve thought of two things that will hopefully aid me in using this statement as encouragement.
For one, the H. Sizzle works in us in ways that we can’t even imagine, because it’s the Spirit of God and He can do all things. He can do things like take the small amount of patience, kindness, or joy that I have and turn it into a mountain of fruit. He can take any small investment and turn it into a huge return. So while I take small steps in faith I know that God will have a wonderful journey set out ahead of me.
Secondly, I do recall that in Isaiah even Jesus “grew up before him like a young plant”. Jesus himself had to deal with the temptations and trials of being human. Sure, Son of God, absolutely perfect and all that, but then this description… Because he was also human. It wasn’t necessarily the fact that He is the Son of God that made Him grow so well. Looking at the Gospels show that He wasn’t just preaching the gospel and sleeping and eating, He took the time to cultivate His garden. So while I am not perfect in any way, I still find encouragement in that the most perfect Son of God still “tended His garden”.

Prayer: God, thank You for being able to bring me into places where I can be repentant and hopeful. Thank You for being merciful enough to forgive me for being imperfect, and still desiring to draw me closer to You. You know how weak my will is, how difficult it is for me to change, but You are bigger and stronger than my will ever is. Thank You for sending the Holy Spirit and for the work that will be done in me. While I try to take the steps towards obedience I pray that You will guide my feet and give me endurance. Thank You for being with me every step of the way.
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Who, me?


I consider myself an eccentric who looks good in jeans, or an amateur at adulthood. I live in Maine, enjoy writing and photography as creative outlets, and listen to some of the worst music you've ever heard. I’m good at sin and bad at following Christ, but I’m still letting Him take the lead. Dirty is my middle name. So is Sean.
The purpose of this blog is to keep a record while I'm unearthing treasures, mapping truths, and navigating life.

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