Here is what I think about New Years resolutions.  They’re not important, not alone anyway.  Goals!  They are what resolutions help you to complete!  Without the resolution to achieve a goal there is nothing to get you going!  So I’ve been compiling some goals I’d like to achieve this year, and I won’t get too far into them at this point but it’s good to put them somewhere aside from my graphing notebook.  (best thing ever to have with you for doodling.  There’s so many little squares!)

1. Stop the Cycles.  I’ve found that my life is moving towards a stagnation state, and the reason is mostly because of the stupid cycles that I continue to let myself run in.  I see them everywhere, in my bad habits, my friendships, my non-existent love life, my work, my lack of blogging.  I like blogging ya’ll!  So I’m going to take a little time to pin point the really bad cycles, the ones that are keeping me from getting more out of life, and try to find the root issues and handle them.  I want to set a better example to those who are younger than me spiritually and literally, and I don’t want myself to get in the way of being seen as someone who adults can trust.
2. Start a Group/Lead?  “As long as it is day, we must do the work of him who sent me. Night is coming, when no one can work.”  – John 9:4
   This is something that’s been on my mind for a long while, and I haven’t figured out how to do it yet but I’ve been talking with some important-to-talk-to people about it and getting some encouraging feed back.
3. Get a Clearer Map for Life.  This one is going to require a lot of the painful and desperate prayer that I have not always been known for.  But I want to know God’s directions, I want to know where He wants me to be and I’m determined to put myself in a place where He can pick me up and move me without me fighting back.
4. Learn about Self-Discipline.  This one is going to be really hard.  That’s all I have to say.
5. Show Grace.  “For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, while we wait for the blessed hope—the glorious appearing of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people who are his very own, eager to do what is good. These, then, are the things you should teach. Encourage and rebuke with all authority. Do not let anyone despise you.”  – Titus 2:11-15

Everything will take some time, and steps will be taken before leaps and bounds.  I’m going to have to get into the Word like it’s my job and pray continually, and learn the true meaning of crucifying the flesh (not literally).  But I want to be able to look back on this year and see that I did start to really dedicate my life to God’s work.  I want to see that I set my dreams and myself aside.  I am not sure what that will look like, but I’m willing to find out.

I am not happy with myself today.
I’ve been given so much in the past year, but because of all of the hard things, the difficulties and the painful experiences, my automatic reaction is the same as this person’s: I wish I could forget it all happened.
It’s time to begin a new season in my life, I’m so sure about it that I’m practically deodorant, but it’s scary to think of how opening myself up to God’s plans might take me farther from home, or away from my community, or back to my parent’s house, or into poverty, or into vulnerability.  There’s a big plan out there with my name on it that I’m going to try to accept, because God has written it out for me and has given me promises that cover every angle– Yes, it will hurt sometimes.  As a human it’s impossible to escape pain, as a Christian it’s impossible to escape persecution.  No, there is no promise that I will get exactly what I want out of my life.  His thoughts are higher and his plans are greater than I can imagine.  No, I will not need to worry about it.  Constant prayer and devouring the Word will keep me operating in the spirit, and keep my perspective on my spiritual needs and less on my physical needs.  No, I will never be alone.  No matter how lonely I get, I have the perfect Prince of Peace with me, fighting for me, listening to me, interceding for me, and loving me more than I can even imagine.
Recently Tink asked me if I would be happy with my life if I had done nothing with it but loved other people.  Yes, I would.  She also was giving me some much-needed encouragement, reminding me of ways God has been using me and I realized that I would hate for anyone to see that as something I did.  I only want people to recognize what I have done for God in a way that makes Him seem all the more wonderful.  I don’t care if people see me as a lost cause or a saint, I just want them to see me as a vessel that God knows how to use perfectly even when we can’t imagine how it would work that way.

“For if you keep silent at this time, relief and deliverance will rise for the Jews from another place, but you and your father’s house will perish. And who knows whether you have not come to the kingdom for such a time as this?” – Esther 4:14