Category Archives: Dirty’s Reports

Dirty Dozen: False Thanksgiving

14 Monday Nov 2011

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  1. I went to the Tenth Avenue North and Third Day concert with a bunch of friends for one of their birthdays, and it was so refreshing and invigorating!
  2. Autumn makes me so happy. 
  3. Sampson is gone.
  4. I got a call on Wednesday about babysitting on thursday, and it just so happened to be my day off so I got to spend part of my day with some super cute kids.  I seriously love children and getting to babysit, it gives me so much joy that I forget I’m getting paid.  And I need the money, so it’s pretty amazing that I got to do something I love so much and get paid for it!
  5. Spontaneous dinner and movie dates with super sweet girlfriends are the best.
  6. A kid I knew in high school and was really good friends with made contact.  We had a falling out during my freshman year of college, and we hadn’t spoken since.  Now we’re talking all the times, and I got to see him yesterday.  He’s going to be called Boba Fett.
  7. I have one of the best moms ever.  She’s always trying to give me what I need, even if she doesn’t know what I need, and she pulls through a lot of the time.  She’s also really seeking the Lord and it’s changing her in amazing ways.  She and my dad have been re-married for a year tomorrow, and it renews my hope more than it did when they got re-married. 
  8. I have been having pretty good days at work, and saturday one of the guys I work with asked me how I was so nice to a customer that was being rude.  Apparently my people skills are improving!
  9. One of my girls had a show on friday that I didn’t go to, but I got to hang out with her for a little on thursday and hear her practice, and pray with her about the show.  I think it offered her a little peace that she was pretending she didn’t need, and I heard that she shone like a star at the show.  I believe the word that was used was dazzling.
  10. My church has been alive and kicking for 25 years and today was our 25 year Anniversary Thanksgiving Dinner.  It was really cool to see people I knew when I was really young for the first time in years, and to see people I don’t get to see every day or talk to often.  I’m really happy and proud to be a part of a church that has a mission to make a community within a community, and to offer people the gospel with such humility and love.
  11. At said dinner I got to talk to one of my favorite people, who I never get to see anymore because I’ve dropped the ball.  I am so grateful for a chance to reconnect with him though, I’ve missed him and prayed for him quite a bit since the last time he updated me on his life.
  12. I called out sick on monday, because my cold caught up with me and I couldn’t do it.  I couldn’t work, couldn’t eat, couldn’t stand up too long, couldn’t live… I couldn’t do anything really.  So I slept most of my day away.  I watched some hulu.  I went to my mom’s rehearsal and left halfway through to come home and go to bed.  The night before I had been almost sick from crying and crying out to God.  I basically did it again that night, praying hard and needing so badly to know some peace that it felt like my body was a reflection of my spirit; I let myself get sick and it hit me hard.  And it was a good thing, a needed thing.  And the next day I got up and went to work, and this week I got so many answers. 
    God has let things happen, he has let things not happen, he has made things happen, he has slammed a door in my face, he has brought back prodigal children, he has healed the sick, he has taken people away and brought others into my life, he has given me the opportunities to do what gives me joy, he has comforted me with truth, he has shown me again where my heart is and where he wants it to be, and he has reminded me of his intense, binding love for his children, for me.

“Righteous Father, though the world does not know you, I know you, and they know that you have sent me.  I have made you known to them, and will continue to make you known in order that the love you have for me may be in them and that I myself may be in them.”  – John 17:25&26

Oh, and to top it off, Lina came home!

This Only Makes Sense To A Few People.

06 Sunday Nov 2011

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I hate the song about a “God-shaped hole” being in all of us.  It makes me think of everyone I see all lined up and having the same shaped puzzle pieces missing from different spots on their body.  I think it’s a generalization of problems that are specific to each individual, and that when we make things so generalized we keep from giving each person attention that they need.  And that’s how I know I’m still a work in progress and broken, because I still think the individual should be recognized as important mainly because I want to be recognized as individual and important.
I am a broken person.  I am so broken that I want to be seen as something special, as someone unique and irreplaceable.  I want to be acknowledged, given credit for things, noticed.  I want the questions that will be hard to answer and the love of people who are brave enough to ask and not shy away from my answers, maybe even love me for my answers.  I want to be seen as someone particular and lovely, by someone who will be able to pursue me and win my heart.  I’ve had this in someone, but he left.  And the reason I’ve gotten to this spot of needing to understand this ugly need of mine is that he’s coming back. 
He’s coming back, and he wants to see me.
Like the flick of a painter’s wrist can change a picture entirely, a small occurence can tear things down so quickly.  The coverings, the tarp, the scabs, the duct tape and straw and leaves that I’ve been trying to camouflage this hole with have all been torn away.  It was something aching in the background for a while, but now it’s been exposed as a fresh gaping wound.  And I’m afraid because I don’t think I can ignore it anymore.  Being so exposed, even if just to myself, might lead me to do something reckless, selfish, destructive.  It’s got the potential to effect my mood, my relationships, my behavior, my mental stability. 
There is no bigger paralyze for me than looking at the possibilities of my future and seeing myself alone, always alone.  One step removed from the friends that are moving into marriage, from the single friends who are coping in their own ways, from the well-intentioned comments from family and compliments from strangers.  None of it changes the fact that even with the opportunity to see Sampson I know that the possibility he should represent doesn’t exist as long as he is not a christian, and that rips the wound even wider.  It tears at my heart because it seems that the fact of the matter is I am only marriage material to non-christian men.  What does that say about me?  About my past, my character, my sin, my heart, my trying?  I’m so damaged, wounded and broken that no God-fearing man will want to marry me?  If I never settle I’ll be alone forever?
Honestly, being sick and having to take care of myself exacerbates these feelings.  While I am feeling like some sort of sea creatures got implanted into my brain and don’t want to be standing up for more than 5 minutes, and no one asks me how I am or trys to make me feel any better, I just want to cry all the time.  I don’t though.  I’ve been praying through most of it. 
Praying that God has a reason for these longings.  That there’s a reason that I have to go through this.  That whatever my failures and frustrations lead me to are just entirely good and perfect for me, no matter what they are, because they are His design and not my own.  That He’ll give me the patience to wait through this, because I know he just wants me to wait for it.  But I haven’t been able to wait for anything since I figured out how to use the microwave.  Not only can I have pizza anytime, because when pizza’s on a bagel you can eat pizza anytime, but you can have it in 2.5 minutes. 

“If you, O LORD, should mark iniquities,
   O Lord, who could stand?
But with you there is forgiveness,
  that you may be feared.
I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,
   and in his word I hope;
my soul waits for the Lord
   more than watchmen for the morning,
   more than watchmen for the morning.”  – Psalm 130:3-6

I’m so bad at it, and I can loath repetition, but I’ve been meditating and praying on basically this page of psalms, just trying to hold on to the air that keeps escaping me, trying to hold my chin firm without the quiver, trying to keep my head bowed and my hands raised, giving up the desires that I cannot navigate by myself.   Trying to keep my soul calm and quieted, like a weaned child with his mother, like a weaned child ceased from fretting. 

Who Here Is A Sinner?

20 Thursday Oct 2011

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I have judgment problems.  Don’t misunderstand, I try not to judge people, mainly because I know that if my heart hides so much darkness then I am in no place to judge anyone.  My judgment problems make me feel like an idiot.  Mainly because I often don’t use any discernment at times when it would be wise.  I don’t usually use discernment when it comes to people because I don’t want to be anywhere near judging them, and discernment feels a little like judging to me.  It’s gotten me into some pickle jars, not just into pickles but into jars of pickles.  Because I don’t always exercise this spiritual gift I’ve let myself become a person with few boundaries in places that need boundaries.  For instance, friendships with boys/men: there is no need to practice being a wife or mother on people who you are not a wife or mother to in a way that creates the possibility of unhealthy attachment.  This is something that I realized within the past few months and am now trying to exercise keeping boundaries up with grace and love. 
Discernment is often confused with good judgment, which is understandable because it’s basically the spiritual gift of being able to evaluate something and see where it’s rooted, in Christ or in anything else.  My mother, though sometimes a mess, has always been able to see the root of things.  Her gay-dar is out of this world, while mine doesn’t exist.  She’s been able to understand situations in ways that I never could see possible because of her instincts and God-given understanding.
This all has been on my mind because of some discussions I’ve been a part of recently.  A good amount of them have had a lot to do with accountability and being examples of Christ to the world.  Of course, most of these discussions get me riled up like a tiger in front of a pepper steak, but I have chosen in most cases to keep my thoughts to myself because they are all about myself and not about the dear people who are speaking truth into my life.   Oh yes, I do see that when I am in the middle of a situation that is uncomfortable and makes me want to point out everyone elses inadequacies so that they don’t get a chance to see my own, I’m having heart problems.  This is a place where surprisingly God has delivered some discernment into me, a place where I can sit back and take a moment to assess things and why my heart isn’t comfortable. 
The first thing I’ve figured out is that I do not want to tell people about how sinful I really am.  And I don’t want to be accountable for it because I feel ashamed of myself.  You would think that at this point I would be able to get a handle on a few things, but it appears that I haven’t even tried.  What’s worse is that I enjoy sinning, and I don’t usually want to stop.  This, combined with not reading the word as often and skipping church and bible study during my trip, has led to a very ego-centric heart.  That’s something I need to continue to repent about, and continue to pray and seek God’s truth about. 

“If, while we seek to be justified in Christ, it becomes evident that we ourselves are sinners, does that mean that Christ promotes sin?  Absolutely not!  If I rebuild what I destroy, I prove that I am a law-breaker.  For through the law I died to the law so that I might live for God.  I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me.  The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.  I do not set aside the grace of God, for it righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing!” – Galatians 2:17-21

The second thing I’ve figured out goes back to talks with friends about bible study.  A few of the people I’ve developed strong friendships with have found the tone of the group so negative that they can’t take some of the experience seriously.  They have expressed impatience and disgust for some of the attitudes seen at the group, and they get pissy about how much talk about sin there is and how little joy they see. 
And in the midst of this I have discovered some discernment, I think. 
I am not worried about seeming overly sinful to these friends, I worry about coming off as righteous and pompous.  I want to be able to tell them the truth kindly, with love, but I also know that they can take whatever I say as soon as it’s out of my mouth and interpret it in whatever ways they desire.

“Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God?  Or am I trying to please men?  If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.” – Galatians 1:10

I believe that the reasons these friends of mine are feeling this way have to do with the following:

  • They are feeling pressure and guilt about their sin because of how often its brought up
  • They are in desperate need of the joy of the Lord, but because they haven’t been able to grasp it they have heard some whispers of the enemy
  • They are able to see that not all groups are going to be able to operate in certain ways, but they aren’t remembering how important the community is irregardless

When the stakes are high we cannot expect the battles to pass by us, or for there to be a hiatus in the war surrounding us.  The enemy will use any and every recourse he has to separate us from each other, from truth, from love.  The unity of the body, in any way that it forms, is more important than the petty disagreements that take place.  In many ways the most concise way that I can put it is that we need to get over ourselves, because the body is so much bigger than each individual.  And while we’re getting past our insecurities, our guilt and shame, our absolute assurance that we are too broken to be able to do anything for the gospel aside from ruin it, we should take care of each other.  We should be kind and tender, loving and honest and understanding of the battles that we are all a part of and all need support in. 

Lies My Heart Tells Me: That’s SO Embarassing…

30 Saturday Jul 2011

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I was talking to my sister the other day about something, and during the conversation I was making a point about centering things on Christ and happened to say it like this:

“… should be centered on the one and only Jesus Christ Almighty.”

I guess that this isn’t something that usually is said, not without being an expletive.  So her response was to laugh.  And mine was to get confused.  All of a sudden I was very aware of what I had said, and she reassured me that it wasn’t a big deal it was just funny to her, but I felt on the verge of embarrassment!  And then I was ashamed of myself.

Now, I was raised in the church.  So was my sister.  We are not entirely unaccustomed to hearing talk about God, or people using his name.  We aren’t shocked by true worship, crazy prayers, or convicting sermons.  But it’s been a while since she has heard me so entirely passionate about our creator, considering I had decided that he and I were fighting a while back.  I don’t know if I’ve ever experienced the kind of love, gratitude, and submissive sacrifice that is in my relationship with God before, and since she’s known me my entire life I don’t think she has either.  In fact, it may have freaked her out a little bit to have a conversation with me for the first time in weeks and hear me talking the way I was… I know I would have been a little weirded out.  It’s strange to find that someone has changed after having known them for so long, even if it’s a positive change, because it feels like we don’t know them anymore. 

I wouldn’t let myself feel embarrassed though.  I wouldn’t accept that I should be ashamed or self-conscious of what I’d said.  Here are my reasons we should fight the embarrassment:

That Enemy Strikes Again!

In my strategic mind I do recall that the time when Satan is going to try to lead us away from God is generally when we are trying to follow him.  He’s a shady guy, and he would like nothing more than to take things away from God, like those who are trying so very hard to follow him with all of their heart.  And while his forms of attack are generally personalized, they can be categorized:

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”  – John 10:10

This description of the shenanigans the devil will be pulling is straight from Jesus.  He warns his children against the dangers of being unable to discern what is the living truth and what is a lie of death earlier in the book of John as well while rebuking those that are unable to accept and understand what has been proven real to them.

“You belong to your father, the devil, and you want to carry out your father’s desire.  He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him.  When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies.”  – John 8:44

Satan, being a jerk-wad, will always find a lie that will speak to the darkness of our hearts and tempt us away from the straight and narrow, which should now be referred to as Route 78.  That’s why it’s so important to press into God all the more, taking our self-consciousness and placing it at the feet of Christ, asking him to give us a God-consciousness or Spirit-consciousness, or whatever it is that’ll turn our minds to what is more important.

Remember The Suffering?  I Do.

Suffering, undergoing something that brings pain or a weight to bear, is not only entirely possible but promised to us as followers of Christ.  Embarrassment, while entirely subjective, can be loosely placed under suffering if it brings you some sort of burden.  And is that something to fear or be apprehensive of?  No. 

Christ himself went through so many experiences that could be described by a lesser being as embarrassing, from the way his family and friends treated him to the looks he got on the street to the way that he was put to death.  As followers of him we are subjected to such a smaller amount of pain, especially considering how he intercedes for us.  His desire is to keep us connected to the Father and to bring him glory, not to take us out of the pain and suffering we will experience.  And while we are suffering and continue to push ourselves to pray, worship and read the word we find that our relationship with God becomes stronger.  So of course we’ll suffer more, of course we will see ourselves from the world’s point of view as crazy and radical; the devil wants our perspective to be skewed so that we don’t see our suffering as something that leads to maturity but as something we don’t want to go through. 

Promises, Promises!

The best reason to forget embarrassment is to be found in a promise.  Now, God promises things on himself so that they are to become like the nature of himself.

“Because God wanted to make the unchanging nature of his promises very clear to the heirs of what was promised, he confirmed it with an oath.  god did this so that, by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled to take hold of the hope offered us may be greatly encouraged.”  – Hebrews 6:17

So woo hoo for us!  God’s promises are as solid as he is!  Now read this one:

“Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame.  Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated.  You will forget the shame of your youth and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood.  For your Maker is your husband-the Lord Almighty is his name-the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth.”  – Isaiah 54:4&5

This is from the old testament when God was talking to Israel about how much of a whore it was, turning to idols and sinning like it was the latest fashion.  What is cool is that the promises from the old testament have been fulfilled through Christ for his people, and what is believing that someone else’s opinion of us is more important than God’s but an idol?  That means that when we get to the judgment throne our shame and embarrassment, be it for one sin or another, will have been cleansed by the blood of our Redeemer. 
What I find is that embarrassment and shame, though sometimes completely understandable, can be a choice.  I chose not to be embarrassed when my sister laughed.  I chose not to be embarrassed when I tell people I am a Christian.  Even though I am ashamed of my sins to the point where I wish I could hide them, I don’t let them embarrass me either.  The opinions of my fellow humans and my fellow believers mean so much less to me than the opinion of my Father in heaven, and he will not bring me to shame and embarrassment but to a deeper relationship with him so long as I give everything that comes at me in his able hands.

Relation-ship has sailed away…

28 Thursday Jul 2011

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What I Expected:

  • A team-mate to take on the world with.
  • Support – when the going gets tough the tough don’t just go home to the A/C. If I were to be going through something difficult I would have someone to tell me it’ll be ok, and even if it’s not they would love on me anyway.
  • Pursuit – To have the person I’m in a more-than-friendship with continue trying to win my heart, get to know me, perhaps even romance me!
  • To learn and understand the Other’s expressions of love.
  • To see an example of Christ jealously and selflessly pursuing the hearts of his people.

 

What Was:

  • A painful degree of separation – More harmful than protective, not very supportive in the way that I needed, and distant to the point that people thought he was pursuing a female friend of his. I wasn’t worried about it, as I know their relationship is purely platonic, but I was incredibly hurt that he would rather spend time with her, or anyone, other than me.
  • Awful communication – I am practically confrontational with whatever it is I need to get out, he is quiet unless I’ve got him in a safe spot. Safe spots include: the talks leading to more-than-a-friendship, after making out like bandits at a poorly secured treasury for a while, the process of changing our relationship status back to friendship. Not to mention, I lost the ability to communicate clearly, which I don’t entirely understand but take as a sign that this wasn’t the brightest move for us. I’ve never been so ready to cry in the middle of a sentence in my entire life, and that would be each sentence in a conversation that lasts 2 hours.
  • A person who is properly busy with work. That I cannot put in a negative light.
  • I lost 5lbs and my appetite.
  • I lost sleep.
  • I cried a lot.
  • I began to understand further the meaning of submission.
  • I began to understand how much I trust God.
  • I trusted the Other and found out that he didn’t have the same trust in me.
  • I walked in the verse that says there is no fear in love, and I still do.

 

What I Learned:

  • Being unhappy all the time about or because of a relationship means it isn’t going well.
  • Some conversations are important to have before bonds being developed are too tight.  Waiting until later to break something can be more painful.
  • Relationships are not to be pursued, and not to be feared.  Finding a way to open one’s heart and love someone unconditionally as more than a brother or friend isn’t scary, not as long as I put my heart in God’s hands.
  • There is a reason that this happened, possibly to learn what it is I am looking for, possibly to learn how much I need to learn about relationships, possibly to learn about timing.
  • There is a difference between protecting oneself and hiding in fear from being vulnerable.
  • I have some items on my list of qualities I want in a future husband that I have updated and that won’t be compromised on.  For instance, a faith and commitment to Christ that is evident in their walk of life, someone who can handle emotions (even if that just means putting up with them), someone who knows how to prioritize what is important over what is urgent.
  • I still have self-worth issues that need to be handed over to God.
  • I will not seek relationship advice from someone whose relationships I don’t respect and admire.  I wouldn’t ask for marriage counseling from a single man or woman, and if I don’t respect and admire a marriage I won’t listen to the advice given by a married couple.  If counsel is important the counselors are far more so.
  • A future husband needs to prove himself worthy of submissive love by trying whole heartedly to be a reflection of Christ’s selfless, unconditional love.
  • As if I didn’t know it before, I am a great friend, a shitty girlfriend figure, and will someday be an excellent wife.  How do I know?  Because I feel too needy and too insecure in relationships that are fragile, like dating or courting.  I don’t want to find out if someone wants to marry me.  I want them to figure it out and then pursue me with that intent.  Starting out as friends and staying friends works for me.  Part of what didn’t work in this situation was when I started to want/need reassurance of why I was in it in the first place, that I was desired, and I turned to the Other for it.  My life is so much easier when I don’t have anywhere to turn for that reassurance but God, because he never lets me down.  I have a feeling that I need to wait for marriage because God is still working with my future husband to make him the best possible match for me.  And so, I will wait.