So how about that list, eh? Pretty successfully executed, in my opinion. Thank you to anyone who read it and please remember to comment or like a post if you have a chance, since I have no idea who reads this aside from my mother. (Hi mom!)
Today’s topic is one that I feel is very important, one that is very close to my heart and a struggle that I’ve been dealing with for a long, long time. For some people it’s a daily problem, and for some it’s nothing at all. It has a tendency to bring other issues into your life as well, and I’ll explain what I mean about that. I’ve found that it comes at me in waves, seasons perhaps, and that I have to start actively combating it and speaking the Truth into my own life in order to deal with it. I am talking about, of course, boredom.
Boredom is defined as the state of being weary and restless through lack of interest, which I like to translate into my own definition as being weary and restless through lack of interest in the fulfillment offered through Christ. That is how I define this problem, and that is the problem that I have recently come to understand really intimately, probably inside out.
It nearly ruined my birthday. I went to the beach with a small group from the church I’ve been going to recently, and it included the absolute perfect mixture of people and everyone was super kind and deep inside I felt like God gave me a chance to have a really good birthday just because He loves me. So I went for a walk on the beach by myself and the entire time I was praying about the coming year and what it would bring, and praying harder than I’ve prayed for myself in a long time that God would give me the ability to tap into the H. Sizzle’s stores of patience because I feel completely dissatisfied with my life. I’m let down by the dreams I’ve had to kill at the altar, I’m in the process of perusing a career that I love but it exhausts and isolates me because of my beliefs. I’m tired of the pattern my life has taken, which has been including drinking far more often than is acceptable and representing a sorry version of Christ to non-believers. All of these things are hitting me while I’m at the beach, on my 25th birthday, getting showered with sun rays and love, and all I wanted to do was drown myself in the big blue or cry.
I spent the rest of that weekend attempting unsuccessfully to battle the thoughts I was having, which were all about death. Even during that time I was finding it to be a very silly dialogue I was having with myself, because I would never do a thing to myself. I really am far too lazy and as much as I can occasionally be a beast that can take scrapes and such, I don’t like pain. I also think of everyone else a little too hard to do something stupid like OD on drugs. (Who will find the body? My roommate? I would never do that to her! And who would pay for the hospital bills if I got my stomach pumped? My parents? We’re all broke! And what would I say for myself? Would I get institutionalized? Would I have to tell my school? How strange would it be at the house after my poor roommate was put through this? Would she kick me out?) Not an option, not really. But I still was finding myself drawn into these fantasies, these silly daydreams of finally getting to put myself into a deep, dark eternal sleep that would make a statement to those I left behind. And I thought to myself, “Never going to happen. But it’s nice to think that it could.”
Then I thought about that for a moment and said to myself, “What the fuck is wrong with you?”
I define a stronghold as a place that you find safety and security, reassurance and peace. It is at times a physical place, and at times it’s where your mind flees during times of trial. I had built myself a stronghold out of the idea of death. I had started to come to this realization on Sunday night after drinking myself into a proper state, and when I went to bed I told God that something was wrong with me and I finally was beginning to understand how off my perspective was, and I would really need a change on my insides tomorrow.
Monday morning I felt free. I felt as though I had been through the ringer the past weekend, but that person who had been suffering so badly wasn’t me. That had to be someone else.
All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation;that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation. (2 Corinthians 5:18-19)
This boredom had driven me to find excitement, satisfaction, and stimulation through things that were not of God. It was showing me a mirror of my life and a picture of someone else’s and asking me why I wasn’t trying harder to make my life interesting. It was reassuring me that I wouldn’t be able to handle the buzz of quiet in my head after a long day unless there was a drink to drown it out. It was attempting to seduce me down a road that led to darkness, and it almost worked. I can honestly say that it was only the power of Christ that changed my heart in such a way as to feel free of this after a good night’s sleep, because the sleep wasn’t what fixed anything. I’m still physically tired from my life, still lacking excitement in my day-to-day, still mourning my lost dreams and struggling to find the willpower to deal with the lessons I’ve been getting on humility (apparently it doesn’t come until after one is forced to deal with humiliation). But I can see why I went through this, and how Christ has given me a way to repurpose my boredom. There is so much emphasis in this life put on making every moment exciting and different that it becomes expected to have exciting and different moments all the time. But the bible doesn’t say that we will get exciting and different moments every moment of our lives! It says that when we offer our lives as to Christ in order to relay the message of reconciliation to others we receive the eternal reward of being reconciled with God. It also says that all things are from God, which means that this boredom that I have to combat with a heart of thanksgiving and humility is in my life because God has put it there in order to bring me closer to Him.
For it is all for your sake, so that as grace extends to more and more people it may increase thanksgiving, to the glory of God. So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison…(2 Corinthians 4:15-17)
The rest of my days will not be spent being bored, I can assure you of that. At some point I will not be able to handle all of the excitement and I’ll get to explain all of that somehow. But right now, I will not let my boredom-suffering-season throw me completely off the path towards Christ. Every moment may not be filled with excitement and unique differences from every other moment in my life, but they will be filled with the love of a God that is never-ending, a hope that is steadfast and secure, and joy for a life that belongs to Christ.