Instead of calling it “writer’s block” or “lazy” I have decided that in all reality, including Alternate Universe reality, when I am posting less often than I have set up for myself I am actually taking the time to be extra creative! I’m being so creative, in fact, that I’m completely fudging up the mother’s day presents that I’ve been working on. I also have been watching a fair few makeup tutorial videos on youtube. Oh, and I finally got my nails done. They are a very pretty blue, like a dusty sky blue, and even the nail tech said he liked the color. It feels very spring to me.
I guess that what has really been on my mind is the idea of starting from scratch. It’s easy to say that you are willing to start from scratch if you are talking about a project, but when it comes to rebooting your entire life it can feel really difficult. It can seem like a punishment for persuing a path that didn’t work out, which I feel like I’ve been doing for years with just about everything in my life. But it doesn’t have to be a punishment. It can be an opportunity for change, for growth, for finding the path that God has for you that leads where you don’t expect it to. Being able to accept that I have to give up dreams of what I want is critical to being able to accept what God is giving me now, and the ways he is trying to guide me. It can be really disheartening to think of all the things that I have given up or the time that I feel was wasted. But ultimately every path I’ve taken, every step I’ve walked and every breath that I’ve breathed has been designed by a good creator to bring me to exactly where I am. The reasons are above me, as in I don’t understand them and maybe I never will, but as much as that scares my human heart I chose to believe that these reasons are part of a plan that is better than what I could put together for myself. As silly as it may seem, part of what has helped me come to this place in my mind and heart was seeing the Goo Goo Dolls in concert this weekend. The lyrics of their music and the way they put their songs together are what I like to lovingly refer to as Epic, and Johnny Rzeznik is by far my favorite voice forever and ever, in case anyone was wondering. During the show they played music from their upcoming cd, including a song called Come To Me. Johnny said it was one of those songs that “makes me want to grow a beard” and said “someone told me today that this song is enriched with vitamins… I think he was smoking the marijuana.” It’s a catchy tune that has influences of the current folk style bands, reminding me of The Lumineers and Mumford and Sons, but it’s also very Goo Goo Dolls. This song made me absolutely die, for real, because the lyrics were so incredibly sweet and uplifting, and they include in the lyrics a call to the singer’s (Johnny’s) beloved (Me, obviously):
You and me, we’ve both got sins
I don’t care about where you’ve been
Don’t be sad and don’t explain
This is where we start again
You can find a live version of the song here.
So now I am trying daily to chose to be exactly where I am, attempting not to constantly long for what I want but to want what I have, and to allow life to be this strange journey. I am trying to remember that every day I can chose to start again, to make different choices and learn to love in different ways. It’s scary, it’s strange, it defenetly goes against my nature, but I am asking God to help me hold on to the truth, that He knows my heart and what is best for me in this moment. And I don’t mean to be overdramatic by any means, but so does Johnny Rzeznik.