Author Archives: Meagan Sean

Who Here Is A Sinner?

20 Thursday Oct 2011

Posted by in Dirty's Reports

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

I have judgment problems.  Don’t misunderstand, I try not to judge people, mainly because I know that if my heart hides so much darkness then I am in no place to judge anyone.  My judgment problems make me feel like an idiot.  Mainly because I often don’t use any discernment at times when it would be wise.  I don’t usually use discernment when it comes to people because I don’t want to be anywhere near judging them, and discernment feels a little like judging to me.  It’s gotten me into some pickle jars, not just into pickles but into jars of pickles.  Because I don’t always exercise this spiritual gift I’ve let myself become a person with few boundaries in places that need boundaries.  For instance, friendships with boys/men: there is no need to practice being a wife or mother on people who you are not a wife or mother to in a way that creates the possibility of unhealthy attachment.  This is something that I realized within the past few months and am now trying to exercise keeping boundaries up with grace and love. 
Discernment is often confused with good judgment, which is understandable because it’s basically the spiritual gift of being able to evaluate something and see where it’s rooted, in Christ or in anything else.  My mother, though sometimes a mess, has always been able to see the root of things.  Her gay-dar is out of this world, while mine doesn’t exist.  She’s been able to understand situations in ways that I never could see possible because of her instincts and God-given understanding.
This all has been on my mind because of some discussions I’ve been a part of recently.  A good amount of them have had a lot to do with accountability and being examples of Christ to the world.  Of course, most of these discussions get me riled up like a tiger in front of a pepper steak, but I have chosen in most cases to keep my thoughts to myself because they are all about myself and not about the dear people who are speaking truth into my life.   Oh yes, I do see that when I am in the middle of a situation that is uncomfortable and makes me want to point out everyone elses inadequacies so that they don’t get a chance to see my own, I’m having heart problems.  This is a place where surprisingly God has delivered some discernment into me, a place where I can sit back and take a moment to assess things and why my heart isn’t comfortable. 
The first thing I’ve figured out is that I do not want to tell people about how sinful I really am.  And I don’t want to be accountable for it because I feel ashamed of myself.  You would think that at this point I would be able to get a handle on a few things, but it appears that I haven’t even tried.  What’s worse is that I enjoy sinning, and I don’t usually want to stop.  This, combined with not reading the word as often and skipping church and bible study during my trip, has led to a very ego-centric heart.  That’s something I need to continue to repent about, and continue to pray and seek God’s truth about. 

“If, while we seek to be justified in Christ, it becomes evident that we ourselves are sinners, does that mean that Christ promotes sin?  Absolutely not!  If I rebuild what I destroy, I prove that I am a law-breaker.  For through the law I died to the law so that I might live for God.  I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me.  The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.  I do not set aside the grace of God, for it righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing!” – Galatians 2:17-21

The second thing I’ve figured out goes back to talks with friends about bible study.  A few of the people I’ve developed strong friendships with have found the tone of the group so negative that they can’t take some of the experience seriously.  They have expressed impatience and disgust for some of the attitudes seen at the group, and they get pissy about how much talk about sin there is and how little joy they see. 
And in the midst of this I have discovered some discernment, I think. 
I am not worried about seeming overly sinful to these friends, I worry about coming off as righteous and pompous.  I want to be able to tell them the truth kindly, with love, but I also know that they can take whatever I say as soon as it’s out of my mouth and interpret it in whatever ways they desire.

“Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God?  Or am I trying to please men?  If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.” – Galatians 1:10

I believe that the reasons these friends of mine are feeling this way have to do with the following:

  • They are feeling pressure and guilt about their sin because of how often its brought up
  • They are in desperate need of the joy of the Lord, but because they haven’t been able to grasp it they have heard some whispers of the enemy
  • They are able to see that not all groups are going to be able to operate in certain ways, but they aren’t remembering how important the community is irregardless

When the stakes are high we cannot expect the battles to pass by us, or for there to be a hiatus in the war surrounding us.  The enemy will use any and every recourse he has to separate us from each other, from truth, from love.  The unity of the body, in any way that it forms, is more important than the petty disagreements that take place.  In many ways the most concise way that I can put it is that we need to get over ourselves, because the body is so much bigger than each individual.  And while we’re getting past our insecurities, our guilt and shame, our absolute assurance that we are too broken to be able to do anything for the gospel aside from ruin it, we should take care of each other.  We should be kind and tender, loving and honest and understanding of the battles that we are all a part of and all need support in. 

Brutal.

04 Tuesday Oct 2011

Posted by in Human Interest

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

I’m going on a mini-vacation in order to be a part of my friend’s wedding party.  This MV is taking me down to a part of Tennessee I’ve never even heard of.  I’m going to be hanging out with people I haven’t seen in years or haven’t ever met.  I’m going to be completely out of my element.  And I’m stressed out about it.
Even with the promises that I find and try to memorize from the bible, even with my understanding of God’s hand on everything, even with my inability to change anything ever, I am still stressing out about going on this trip without understanding why.  I figured it out, though.  And the revelation is one I’m actually slightly embarrassed and ashamed to have. 
I’m afraid I’m not a good enough christian to handle the world without falling into it head over feet.
There are so many problems with this statement that I don’t think that the night will be able to handle that amount of typing, but I can say with certainty  that there isn’t a firm base for the fear to stand on, aside from the one that resides on my tongue. 

The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks.  – Luke 6:45

I’ve not always been able to communicate nicely.  In fact, I use my mouth to wage war against the world for no good reason, but that’s not what I am trying to do these days.  I’m afraid of falling into it.  And falling into everything else that it brings.  So my prayer is that I will be able to show a good example, and to please my Lord.

Set a guard, O LORD, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips!  – Psalm 141:3

Stages of Grief

21 Wednesday Sep 2011

Posted by in Human Interest

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

The end of a relationship that I got into with the intent on staying there is still laying it on my heart pretty strongly.  I’m trying to keep my chin up and to see the world as my candy store with penny-priced things but it’s really hard sometimes.  I’ve realized a few things.
1.  Because not many people at all knew about my feelings for the kid I don’t feel comfortable telling many people at all about what I’m going through.  My BFF is still a little puzzled as to how I felt about him, and I tell her everything.  She only knows that there were strong feelings involved because of my anger, because she knows that anger is where I go when there’s a lot of pain.  My feelings towards him?  I was in love with him.  My feelings towards him now?  I don’t know who he is anymore, but still love him.  My feelings because of this?  Lots of weirdness, some confusion, and a general aching.
2.  I really miss what I had, back when it had been something real.  I feel like a sap, and I’ll bet I read like a sap too, but it’s the truth.  I miss the friendship (since we’re not speaking much at all) and I miss the person.  And since I don’t know if who I got to know so well was real or not it feels like someone may have died. 
3.  I’m going through the stages of grief like Summer Roberts.  Except I’m not done with them yet.

Thankfully there is a lot of patience in my God, and he hasn’t stopped reminding me through his Word, some friends who know what to say, and a dream or two that life goes on.  And that just like every other thing that I’ve been through, this is a learning experience.  And just like every other lesson, sometimes I learn the hard way.

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He also has planted eternity in men’s hearts and minds [a divinely implanted sense of a purpose working through the ages which nothing under the sun but God alone can satisfy], yet so that men cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end. I know that there is nothing better for them than to be glad and to get and do good as long as they live; and also that every man should eat and drink and enjoy the good of all his labor–it is the gift of God.  I know that whatever God does, it endures forever; nothing can be added to it nor anything taken from it. And God does it so that men will [reverently] fear Him [revere and worship Him, knowing that He is].  – Ecclesiastes 3:11-14

I love these verses.  They’ve been keeping me warm through what feels like a frosty time.  What this guy and I had was beautiful, even when it was raw and hurt, and even now it’s beautiful because God is in it.  Even when things don’t end up the way we think they should, God is in it.  And what was, what is and what will be are all of him and so will never be taken away or taken back.  Even the painful things are according to his plan.  Even when the hurt seems bigger than anything else, even when the lies are trying to convince me to turn on myself and God, even when I’m cold with loneliness; God is good and he has made everything beautiful in its time.

Just a few thoughts that no one should know of.

16 Friday Sep 2011

Posted by in Human Interest

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

  1. There are some things I will never be able to understand or come to terms with, like why some people are considered attractive when they aren’t, or why drinking alone is a bad thing. 
  2. Sometimes I thinking about my life and wonder what the heck I’m doing, and while the conclusion always has to do with God’s plan it also tends to fall into two different conclusive categories: 1) I’m going to die a virgin.  2) Fuck it, let’s have an adventure of a lifetime already.
  3. I am a firm believer in not being mean.  It’s funny how mean I’ve been in my life until recently.  Now I save it up for when it matters, like when that bitch cuts me in line at Starbucks or my mother asks me a question.  But when it comes to friendships and relationships I think that if you’re mean to people you are supposed to care about, or petty about stupid shit, you can sit and watch people like me cry at you.  Because I won’t be mean back.  But you can watch me cry myself into an ugly person.  I become puffy.  Practically chinese.
  4. If you ignore someone until you’re telling them to do something or complaining at them or about them….. Ok, if you do this to ME I’m going to start doing it back.  That means that instead of doing the random task that you’re too lazy and indignant to do that might or might not be my responsibility I’m going to pretend you’re not there.  It’ll be a mirror game!  And when you ask me to do things, I’ll ask you to do things, or just tell you how much more important it is that I do something that isn’t important at all.  If you can get away with it so can I.
  5. I really do like bad music.  As in, the kind other people consider to be made by no-talent-good-for-nothings.  But I really like it.  And so I listen to Katy Perry.
  6. My BFF likes to post sappy breakup songs on my facebook when I’m in the midst of being sappy about a breakup.  Now she’s blocked.

Just Admit It.

11 Sunday Sep 2011

Posted by in Human Interest

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

I’m a coward.  I have realized that yet again I’ve let emotions sneak up on me and threaten my ability to get through life the way that I want to.  Let me explain: I refuse to accept things sometimes and it makes me miserable, frustrated, angry, and other emotions as well, which effects whatever relationships, work or fun I’m involved with in the moment. 
I’m still not entirely sure as to why this is how I do things, but I believe it has to do with me being a coward. 
I’ve been in a funk the past few days and I realized very quickly what the reason was but I also haven’t been able to admit it to anyone, much less myself.  I think that part of it is that I don’t want to be the whiney girl who has other people taking care of her or dealing with her not being able to get over things… because I’m not actually that girl and I’ve never had to be taken care of that way.  People have “been there” for me, but I don’t necessarily need to be coddled.  And I know that what is going on is something I can handle.  That knowledge only makes me want to not handle what’s going on all the more, considering if I can handle what’s going down in my heart it can probably be put off for a few more hours, days, weeks, months, etc.  But in this case, it won’t be.  And that’s my decision because I don’t want to have it stuck to me like a mold because I just won’t face it.  I should be brave enough to handle whatever is happening in my heart because God has my back.  And I should be real enough with myself and whoever reads this not to lie to myself. 
And to add to this list of things that are wrong with me that you already most likely can Intuit, I’m really heartbroken.  I don’t say this to be dramatic, and I don’t say it to be a victim.  I went into a relationship that I was hoping I would never have to leave, and I left the relationship wounded.  My inability to admit that to myself and others is really not going to be aiding my healing, although I don’t feel it necessary to bring up and discuss at all times, or with friends of certain familiarity.  Because sometimes talking over the situation or the things that happened doesn’t help, because I know what’s good and true and that there’s a plan for me, but I feel devastated.  Because I don’t want to hear the hard truth when I’m coming off as doubtful or discouraged or depressed, because I end up being angry at the person delivering to me something I already have.  (that happens when I’m not accepting how I feel, not necessarily when I’m honest with myself and others about it)  I don’t want to be looked at with pity, and I don’t want to be rehashing moments that lead up to what hurts so much, and I don’t want to be explaining or justifying or blaming.  At this point I just need to accept that I’m hurt, and even worse, that I have hurt someone.  I don’t know how much I hurt him, but I know that I did or else things wouldn’t be the way that they are.  And I can’t blame, because if it were right for me to do so at this time I would have been perfect for him and visa versa.  But it wasn’t, and all I can do is handle what I’ve gotten myself: a broken heart, a void in my life that was filled with a person, and amazing pink sweat pants.
I’ve been praying that God would give me the ability to move with him, to let me be like that birds in Jeremiah 8:7 and not the people.

Even the stork in the sky
   knows her appointed seasons,
and the dove, the swift and the thrush
   observe the time of their migration.
But my people do not know
   the requirements of the LORD. 

And I’ve been trying to invest my time and energy into things that are of worth and that will bring about good fruit.  But I also, I now know, will need time to be hurt in order to get past it.  I’m going to take a little time to be broken and not feel guilty about it, to be a wreck and not feel the need to hide the truth.  Because when I do that I  end up bringing my heart to God, and when I give it fully to him I know that he will bring more healing than I can accept is possible.  And I feel comfortable doing this because I know that experiencing pain is a human thing, and that bringing it to God is the better thing.  I know that no matter what my mind and my heart are telling me about what’s happened, I have a truth to cling to that will never tell me that I’m the worst, only that I’m one of the children.