1. New Years Eve is one of the worst “holidays”.  It’s really second only to Valentine’s day, which is a perfect asshole of a holiday in and of itself, but New Years Eve is trying to be as important as Valentine’s day in the most obnoxious ways.  What it should really be about, according to us singles, is renewing hope and giving yourself a perspective on goals for the up coming year.  It’s a fairly hopeful holidays, but it gets dragged into the bowels of Valentine’s day preparations by also being all about kissing someone at midnight.  This year I kissed a friend on the cheek, and that was that.  Last year, I was alone at midnight.  The year before I slept through it.  Basically, I’ve had all kinds of experiences with the holiday but every time that expectation is raised, it just leaves the experience lacking a certain… flair.  Or penis.
2. Here is a list of topics that I never want to hear come out of my mother’s mouth again: Dog sex, oral sex, horse sex, contraptions created to jerk horses off, any and all references to my father’s sex life. 
3. I’ve experienced this situation recently where in I become a proverbial punching bag for certain people when they are feeling… well, I can only guess insecure and unimportant.  I’m actually sort of impressed with the way that these people can word things to themselves and me, themselves because I’m so shocked that they believe what they say is a nice/kind way of saying things, me because apparently I’m the only bad friend anyone has.  The situation revolves around canceled plans.  Apparently, when someone says they will do something then cancel it’s a big downer or something.  Looking at it from their point of view, I understand why they would be upset.  I have experienced being canceled on more times that I can remember.  I have often felt pretty worthless on those days and questioned the relationships that existed at the time, as well as being rip-shit mad.  But I rarely do this to other people.  Generally, I’m down for anything, any day, and all there needs to be is a phone call and I’m 5 minutes from out the door.  So I find it incredibly unfair that after having spent so much of my life being the most portable friend anyone can have and being unappreciated for it, when I start doing things like canceling a plan once in a while I become undependable and flakey and get a huge talking at that sounds suspiciously like a guilt trip.  As someone who saves guilt trips for things like a family member, people who are slowly in the process of killing themselves, and (my biggest peeve) people who are constantly late, I know how to give them and I know how to spot them.  So I’m terribly sorry, my dear friends, for being the worst kind of person you could have in your life (apparently, according to you).  I hope at some point you can grow the balls to let your true emotions come out, because I know that if instead of bitching at me about being undependable (which is bull shit, by the way) if you simply said something like “I know you’re not feeling well but I really need you right now” I would renege my cancel.  Simple enough, don’t you think?
4. I think that if you can’t turn on a computer you shouldn’t be allowed to have a baby.  I think that’s a simple and effective equation to minimize the amount of stupid that has been breeding in our country.  I had no idea that long blonde hair, a “banging” bod, and wearing high heels in the winter without socks made you a smart person according to the guy that’s “banging” you.  Oh, wait, I guess he might have said it because he’s “banging” you.
5. I don’t have boyfriends, I have friends who are boys.  I have a few of them in random groups of friends that I’m fairly close to; I think of them like brothers and treat them like brothers.  But every once in a while I start getting the vibe from one of them… you know, the one where you think maybe they might like to start doing weird things to you like kiss you on the mouth or something?  I try to keep things chill, just treat them like brothers anyway and try to give them a subtle but strong message of “no” but sometimes they get a little… locked on.  I’m not saying obsessed, just that it becomes an underlying theme of conversations and it’s annoying.  The worst is that they become annoying friends as well, really needy and clingy.  It’s one of the most obnoxious and annoying things I’ve ever experienced in my life, and if I weren’t so vain I would do something to make myself more unattractive to them.  But I am vain, so I’ll just complain instead.
6. I hate it when people skim books and don’t finish movies.  To me that is evidentiary support that proves you’re retarded.

1. I don’t understand why girls that smoke a lot of pot always get cats.  I’m going to take a guess and say it’s because they need animals that they don’t always need to take care of.  When Max was a puppy I was very watchful of him because I had to train him to not do certain things, but with a kitten you just try to keep it out of the oven.  And they don’t necessarily need feeding schedules, so that works for the pot head chick that accidentally got a little too high and decided to let her best male friend’s roommate feel her up, then feel horrible about it because she’s really in love with her best male friend because he’s got a tattoo on his hand and likes to smoke cigarettes and not brush his teeth which is really manly, so she makes up something (maybe about being scared because she’s really high or maybe tell him about the time her uncle took her picture when she was in a school play but he had a weird look on his face so obviously he was thinking inappropriate thoughts) so that he’ll take care of her and they can snuggle the night away, maybe smoke a little more since he’s a drug dealer and has all the good weed anyway.
2. I’m actually really concerned about the people who have been so upset about the weather being cold.  I’m a little enraged in fact that no one seems to be giving them the attention they deserve!  They live in New England and obviously this cold front has caught them off guard, and someone needs to help them!  It’s not every day that all the people who live in your area join the nudist revolution during the winter, and I for one refuse to let them sit around and think their skin is thick enough to keep them….. Wait, they aren’t nudist?  Then someone tell them to put on a fucking sweater and shut up.
3. When I wake up in the morning I look at my cell to find out what time it is immediately because it’s always a toss-up on whether I awaken before noon or not.  This means that when someone comes in to tell me what time it is, I already know.  So they can stop doing that.  In fact, it would be a good idea not to talk to me until after I’ve had breakfast.  It’s just the safest bet for everyone.
4. Since I have officially graduated from not only high school but college as well I feel that I no longer have to take tests unless I want to.  Especially when they are really not applicable to the subject that they are supposedly on.  Or when they just don’t make sense.  Also, there are certain things I won’t agree to be tested on, such as my knowledge of Harry Potter, a friendship, hair and make-up skills, creeping habits on the internet, and basic movie knowledge.  If I’m not in the Cash Cab I don’t want to jump through any hoops, especially without the promise of money.
5. I wake up at 8am, then rolled over and fell back asleep.  I think this is the problem with winter weather, when you wake up and it’s so nice and cozy in your bed you think that any sort of repercussions for not getting out of bed are completely worth while.  No time for a shower?  It’s fine, this is the best bed in the entire world and I will hold fast to this extra time to enjoy it.  So then I wake up at 9am and roll over and think about how much I love my comforter.  Then I fall back asleep and dream about waking up before noon.  It’s a vicious cycle, but it’s one I have the courage to deal with on a daily basis.
6. This Just In:  If you are renting a room in someone elses house and they have on demand movies ALWAYS let them know if you chose to rent 7 or so XXX rated movies at $18 a pop.  Because after all the yelling about the cable bill while you’re at work, we’ll still realize that the dates correspond with the dates we were out-of-town, and Pops will be ready to bend you over and help you discover a new asshole. 

1.  This isn’t really a complaint, more like something that is really judgmental and shouldn’t bring so much joy to my black, wretched heart… I love finding out that people I knew in high school who were “cool”, “popular”, or “cheerleaders”, ended up fat.  Sorry girls, no matter how well you can do your make-up and hair, how much thinner you look with a tan, how little you care about the weight gain because you obviously still wear the same size clothing… I still see it.  And I enjoy it.

2.  Let’s set the stage.  You, 57-year-old woman re-marrying your husband.
Me, your second daughter.
You:  I’m not telling your older sister until I feel like it.  So if you tell anyone it has to be in a way that she can’t, like, read it on facebook or something because I want to tell her when I’m ready.
Me:  Why aren’t you telling her?
You:  Because she ran away and eloped and didn’t tell us, so I’m not telling her.
Me:  Well she was acting very maturely when she made that decision, and I’m glad to see you’re making the same good decisions.

3.  I’ve gotten this weird feeling recently, it’s the kind that makes my spine tingle and I’ll be sitting in a room full of people, doing my own thing, when I feel the need to look up and BAM!  That person that doesn’t actually say anything to me?  It’s fucking staring at me.  I have one suggestion for them:  Don’t.

4.  I’m not sure if it’s because we have a sick-ass shower or what, but I can no longer find redeeming qualities in the people who decide to have a competition as to who can take the longest, hottest shower when it leaves me with no hot water.  If you don’t even live here, find your own bathroom.

5.  Snuggies.  Ugh.

It’s taken me a while to figure out what I do and don’t want from you, but I think I’ve got it now. 
I want more from leaving my heart out in the open than the gut feeling that you’ll never return the favor.
I don’t want to lose some semblance of the friendship we had once, even if that takes time and a half.
I want someone who makes me a priority instead of an option.
I don’t want to come in last on a list of deciding factors about life choices.
I want to feel the desire to be impressed by someones work more than critical because I am trying to tell you something but can’t find the words or make you listen.
I don’t want to wait for someone who is half convinced that he’s in love to figure out what he wants.
I want to stop having you mentally block me at all the inopportune times, it makes conversations about relationships hard, and painful.
I don’t want to feel so stuck and unable to explain things when I don’t think before I talk when someone mentions germany and I respond with how I HATE GERMANY.
I want to feel like I have someone who would be there if I need them.
I don’t want someone who is such a fucking pussy about believing in something and just running with it because it feels better.
I want you to read this without me having to send it, because I don’t feel like we have a direct line to each other anymore and it would mean that you were paying attention enough to know where to look.
I don’t want to think about you anymore, but I’m not sure if you can help that.

1.  Using china tea cups for tea that you bought after someone else used them and you thought it was cool (IE that girl that you want to be because she’s effortless, Lady Gaga).  Don’t get me wrong, I used tea cups for a while, but it was not because they were cool, it’s because I had a shit load of them given to me for college ware and decided they would come in handy as bowls for small amounts of food, shots, and ashtrays.

2.  Calling yourself a bitch and then acting like one to prove that you really are truly a bitch.  We get it.  We don’t want to actually be your friends.  The problem here is that people often over-accentuate negative things about themselves, I do it with my nosey-ness, but only when it comes into play.  For instance, when I ask a lot of questions I mention that I’m really nosey and you can tell me it’s non of my B I Business.  If you open a conversation saying “I’m a bitch.” Where does it go from there?

3.  You have 29 profile pictures.  In 10 of them you are artfully and purposefully smoking a cigarette.  I’ve had profile pictures where I’m smoking cigarettes before, but I realized that what people actually WANTED to see was my face, not my cool-urban smoking style.  Because it’s not cool or urban.  It’s pretty unattractive to a lot of people.  Poor me and my nicotine.

4.  That indie film that no one but you and your best friend has seen?  The one that you quote all the time and laugh about because you watched it high off your ass and missed half of it because you had to go in the kitchen to get munchies?  I saw it.  It sucked.

5.  You drank an entire handle of liquor and didn’t get drunk?  That’s amazing, you didn’t even… oh, you did puke.  Then I think maybe you’re delusional.  And for the record, I’m not impressed.  It’s way more fun to drink three shots and be hammered than waste an entire handle by vomiting it right back up.