Author Archives: Meagan Sean

Dirty Dozen: June, 2011

20 Monday Jun 2011

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I would apologize for the lack of postage but I’m really over apologizing for things. 

  1. The weather has been quite ridiculous: good for some, awful for me.  I hate the heat.  But it’s given me a chance to break out the good ol’ cut offs and a nasty pair of coral shorts I adore, which makes me happy.  It also gives everyone a chance to have a conversation, which is good if you work in a place where customer relations is key.  Everyone has something to say about how hot it is, and I like to ramble about how much I don’t like it.  I am blessed though to work in a place with central air and a beer cooler, not to mention live with a Nun that made sure we got our air conditioners installed last week.  Just in time!
  2. Speaking of work, we had a team meeting this past week.  I am officially in charge of changing the signs in the windows, which means I get full creative responsibility and the allowance to put products on sale.  What it means is that I have a “thing” at work, the same way there’s a Beer guy and a Grocery guy and a Wine person, I’m the Signs girl.  I take it to mean that I get to exercise my advertising and marketing abilities in a similar way I try to when pushing a product on someone but with arts and crafts time (JFL would be so proud!).
  3. To combine these two things (work and the weather) I would like to mention that the drinks that I’ve been creating are really pretty perfect for this season!  I’ve discovered an amazing sangria recipe and doctored it to my pleasing and now I’m considering putting it in a book and just naming it “Dirty Sean’s Drinks” and then selling it for millions.  I got to make the sangria for wine tasting at work, and the customers and most of the staff agreed that it was better than the one my boss made.  I’m just saying, it’s that good.
  4. I got the chance recently to try to reconnect with my sister, and that’s been a pretty wonderful thing.  She’s got a bit of a spot in her marriage, the kind of spot that will take a little google searching to find the right way to remove, but she’s far from throwing it away.  She’s always been a trooper, and I’ve always respected her for being able to take responsibility for things and actually get things done.  Now that she and her husband are teaming up like never before, things will be a little harder.  But I know that they’ll make it through, because God doesn’t let things like this break.  He uses them.
  5. Reconnecting with friends is great too, I got to have some solid quality time with Lumberjack and an afternoon chilling with Chola (whose make-up reminded me of a chola that day, and so now she has a nick-name).  I even got to go visit Seth Cohen in Boston for dinner, which is really good because he’s going to China for a month, and am trying to get together with a certain dancer but our schedules are conflicting.  I adore each of them and am so glad to have them in my life.
  6. New friends are great too, like my work buddies and Tink, who all like to come over for a few beers on my front porch on friday nights every once and again.  We call it Porch Sessions.  We talk about life and God and old cartoons and everything.  Usually I end up laughing my ass off, which is really nice.
  7. This week I got to babysit a friend’s son and he was super adorable.  We went to the park, where I managed to get my first sun-burn of the season, and he played well with others.  Apparently he doesn’t always play well with others, so yes, that’s notable.  One of them was telling us about his little brother, who is a Tobbler, and about his mom, whose name is Alana.  He said he sometimes calls her mom, but sometimes he calls her Alana too.  I’ve missed the common sense of children.  He told a kid’s grandma that I was his “visitor”.  I told him that I’m his babysitter.  Or, since he’s not a baby, I am his sitter.  And he said that he liked babysitter better.  I sat on a swing and he promptly got up and started pushing me on it.  It was really precious, and after when he was walking away I thanked him for pushing me, and he replied with “you’re welcome.”
  8. I have begun an exploration of a terrifying and unknown frontier: a relationship. I’m still on my guard about the entire situation, because I’m not sure what the outcome will be, and I don’t want to be a whiney girl who talks about her relationship stuff.  So I’m not sure I’m going to talk about it here.  But I will say that thus far it has proved to be a good thing.  And possibly a God thing.  Even if we didn’t know that we had sort of started the entire process a little earlier than we thought we had… it’s just semantics!
  9. Speaking of God, whose name is holy and great and often used in vain by me (sorry!), He’s been answering an entire bunch of prayers for people who I know, maybe even a slew!  And it’s so comforting to see what He’s doing, really, it calms my random bouts of crippling anxiety and gives me peace in my heart!  And I’ve been realizing that there are so many good things that He does in the day to day life I live that I can’t help but praise Him.  He gives me little gifts all the time, and He shows me that He’s listening on a regular basis.  Such a good God.  There’s none better! 
  10. I like to do two things to give myself a treat: one of them is getting a manicure.  This past week I got a crazy gel-shelaque-bake-on mani at my favorite Vietnamese nail place in Concord.  My nail polish usually chips by day two, but these suckers aren’t going anywhere!  It’s like someone put on a coat of superglue and then a thin layer or three of plastic and then put my hands in an easy-bake oven.  It’s amazing. 
  11. The other thing I do to treat myself is buy books, and I got the new Libba Bray book, Beauty Queens, and it was spectacular.  Another feat of genius, well done Miz Bray.  Now I’m reading Tina Fey’s Bossypants, and the wit this woman comes up with is gut clenching funny.  I highly recommend both books.
  12. I’ve been able to take some time off, meaning taking two weekends this month, and thus far I’ve been on a fabulous women’s retreat with my church and am going to be going to spend a weekend at home for best-friend time with none other than The BFF, who I am so excited to see I might pee on the way to the car.  I’m going to ask whoever I get to give me a ride home to put plastic on all the seats.  And to bring air freshener.

And I know, it’s been a while since I have really updated.  I am going to do my best to get back into it, please stop with the e-mails and facebook friend requests and phone calls.  I’ll be trying to put up something like an article in the next few days.  There, now stop asking.

Just Because.

28 Saturday May 2011

Posted by in Human Interest

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I know, I know.  Christian girls aren’t supposed to like things like alcohol, cigarettes, and small swimsuits.  Bikinis are scandalous, even just as conversation topics, when the church or a religious group has to deal with them.  But guess what?  I so wear them.

Why do I wear a bikini?

It’s been years of struggle for me to accept my body the way it is, to treat it with respect and consideration as opposed to abuse.  It still is some days.  But when it comes to the bikini I think that these pieces of swimwear are made for a purpose: to get wet!  I love to swim, and that’s the only reason I really put on a swimsuit in the first place.  I don’t feel a strong need to parade around with my jiggle-y parts exposed as if it’s a good thing.  And as an Irish girl I don’t need to tan very often lest I want to burn horribly after about 20 minutes of sun exposure.
Aside from that, have you ever tried to use the bathroom wearing a one piece?  Not exactly easy!  And the lining in a one piece isn’t acceptable for someone shaped like me: if the top fits, the bottom doesn’t, and vice-versa.  The ability to mix and match sizes with the bikini has kept my suits on and not embarrassingly sagging or tight in any area.

Modesty VS Trend

I do believe that there are modesty issues to be had with swimwear, and that there are ways to keep oneself from being a saint in the pew that becomes a harlot on the sands.  While there is always going to be a question of how much skin is too much, I do believe that it all depends on the crowd.  When hanging out with girlfriends I don’t feel so bad about baring more; I’m a flawed being, but even if they judge me I know that I’m not making them feel lustful.  When I’m hanging out with guys in my swimsuit, I will not be seen without shorts on, and sometimes I wear a tank top in and out of the water.
I know that these actions aren’t the best way to justify wearing a bikini considering how many arguments (that I generally agree with, in fact!) there are against wearing the tiny pieces of fabric.  But I do wear them anyway, and I like to think of them as something fun to wear as opposed to something sexy.  I’ll gladly let people see my little belly roll if I’m in the middle of having fun, and perhaps some cellulite or stubble if I forgot to shave.  I’m not in the swimsuit to impress anyone, I’m just trying to enjoy myself and keep it classy like these ladies did:

Liz Taylor: Ever classy and never skanky.

Bridget Bardot: Healthy body, always up for an adventure.

My favorite Miss Marilyn: A little tummy roll and her natural hair color, adorable!

 

A Good Woman

20 Friday May 2011

Posted by in Human Interest, In Memoriam

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I haven’t updated in a while because I haven’t been writing.  It’s not what I prefer, but life has been a little bit in the way, and not always in a bad way. 
The past month or so has been full.  I’ve been learning so much about how to let God move, as opposed to planning and trying to figure things out myself.  In allowing him to guide me, by “going with the flow”, I have gained and lost friends, prayed hard and not at all, and found myself realizing the blessings of his beautiful plans in new ways.  I’ve found that I have faith in something that isn’t always pleasing in the moment, but brings joy to my heart when it’s on the verge of distress: our lives, our stories are written by the heavenly father and he has a perfect ending to each, so perfect that were I to try to write it myself it would be a mockery of his magnificent ways.
Last week a good woman died.  A friend’s mother, a wonder and inspiration to everyone that knew her.  She walked her path trusting the Lord for his plan, and I believe that through every moment of her suffering her spirit was being held close to his heart. 
This woman, who I refered to as Bad Ass even when she was at her worst, was the wife of a good man and the mother of 6 amazing boys.  Obviously I had to e-mail her (this happened almost 7 months ago) and ask her about a few things.  The responses were direct and interesting, but more than that they were helpful in their instruction and wisdom.  When she wrote about her husband and their relationship I was floored.

I was looking for a man who would encourage and challenge my faith. That would keep me on track since I knew that I wasn’t strong enough in myself to do what I knew was right. I know that may sound like a weakness, but it really isn’t. God wants us to strengthen and encourage one another and He puts us together with those who will make us into the person He wants us to be.

I have told my closest friends at times about how I will need to have a husband that will allow me to be me but know when to put my in my place.  I had no idea that these were things someone else had ever felt or considered important in their mates, and I immediately understood exactly what she was saying and that it’s true: God wants us to be with those that will help us turn into the people he wants us to be.  It makes complete sense to not be unequally yoked; one would hinder the other.
She also encouraged me to read the Bible, and I took her advice on reading with breakfast.  I still do.

I made a commitment at that time not to have breakfast if I hadn’t read my Bible. Now, some of the time that wasn’t that effective because I wasn’t a big breakfast eater anyway, but I did read my Bible. The way I figured if I had read it, God could recall any of it from my memory. If I’d never read it, He would have a more difficult time speaking to me.  It is important to do it as soon as possible in the day.

After hearing so many beautiful and funny stories of this woman at her memorial service, ranging from her youth to days before her release from the shell of her body, I felt more and more that she had completed not only her own goals for her life, but also the goals Christ had in store for her. 

You know not having any girls, I have given lots of thought to what I wish I had done. Since I dedicated my life to Christ at a Young Life Camp I’ve been yearning to become a back to the Bible kind of woman. I’m always looking for ways to become more of a Proverbs 31 woman.

I can say, with all my heart and sincerity, that she was a woman who fit into each verse of the psalm.  When planning the memorial her family had discussed what legacy she had left behind, and how her stories and her life would promote the gospel truth.  I agree, it surely will.  But I also have found such inspiration in her life and knowing her spirit that I find myself praying that this thread of her legacy, the one of a woman’s heart longing to ever be the submissive bride of God, will be seen in my life.

Strength and dignity are her clothing,
   and she laughs at the time to come.
She opens her mouth with wisdom,
   and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
She looks well to the ways of her household
   and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children rise up and call her blessed;
   her husband also, and he praises her:
“Many women have done excellently,
   but you surpass them all.”
Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,
   but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
Give her of the fruit of her hands,
   and let her works praise her in the gates.  (Psalm 31:25-31)

Lies My Heart Tells Me

25 Monday Apr 2011

Posted by in Dirty's Reports

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When I consider how few people actually read this mess of thoughts it becomes a proper difficulty not to post more rants, raves and complaints.  But my mission with this project twofold: positivity (and I hope that my posts generally end with encouragement for myself and the reader) and honesty (which is something I’m still trying to exercise on a regular basis, not just with other people, but with myself).  But after having gone for quite a few years as a deceitful cynic there are times when my heart and mind relapse into more pessimistic thoughts, usually the kind that lie about things I already know to be true.  So, I’m starting this little “series” for reasons threefold.  For one, I haven’t been writing and that makes my mind a mess, so maybe if I have a series I’ll get back to it and start thinking clearly.  For two, Jeremiah 17:9 says that the heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure, and I can vouch for that.  For three, by reminding myself of these things through my writing maybe a few other people will be encouraged.  So here I go, and feel free to leave any kind of comments and what not as the series progresses.

Lie of the Heart #1: God can be trusted in all things that do not pertain directly to my life.

I have realized that I do not trust God.  I do not trust others.  I am not always walking in faith these days, I don’t even accept love on a regular basis because I am afraid of it, which means I’m not trusting God to take care of my heart in all situations.  I am such a hypocrite.  I do not say this because of a self-image problem, I say this because of moments of clarity.  Conversations with Tink and Mama Bear always seem to reassure me that yes, my walls of logic are still very much surrounding my little heart, and no, I am not willing to connect with my true feelings or emotions on any subject any time soon.  Of course this leads to revelations of how my heart is working that make me want to stab myself in the eye because I don’t know how things got so far out of hand. 
The other night I was unable to stop itching, I had run out of antihistamine and was ravaged with hives.  I had just spent the evening at a worship night and was feeling sleepy and ok but still itchy, so I went to my bedside table to grab a Benadryl and 1/4 of a sleeping pill so I could fall asleep quickly.  While I was doing this I felt the question only God would even know to ask:
“Don’t you trust me to give you sleep?”
My answer was automatic and tragically, refreshingly honest.
“No, I don’t.”
I took the meds.  I went to bed.  It took me a while to fall asleep, and I woke up a few times in the night scratching.  I woke up in the morning realizing that yet again my mind had managed to put God into a box, giving him outlines and creating stipulations to how he works.  It’s completely retarded, letting my silly human brain decide how big and how wonderous God can be, considering I will never know how truly majestic and glorious he is until the day we meet.

Truth #1) God has already proven that he works in my life on a regular basis when it comes to the physical level.  If God couldn’t be trusted to work in my life on a personal and intimate level, I’d still live in Maine.  I wouldn’t have gotten that monday off a few weeks ago, or have any friends.  I wouldn’t have a job, and I wouldn’t see my prayers for others answered.  God hasn’t left me stranded since I started trying to walk on his path, the same way he took care of Elijah in 1 Kings by listening to his prayers about rain, giving him a place to hide and birds to bring him food (which is so definitely a miracle because let’s face it, what normal bird will give a human their bread during a drought?) and then had a widow ready to take him in and take care of him, then heal a dead boy for him.  The Lord does not have to be so far away, working miracles in other people’s lives and in the world, he has been right here with me and working in my life so often that I’ve failed to continue recognizing it. 

Truth #2) There have been changes in my heart that can only happen by the personal interference of a Holy Creator.  God has been using his gentle potter’s fingers to mold me, showing me the reserves of grace and patience I have, wonderful dreams and their fulfillment, granting me the amazing and supernatural peace that is only received when one pours their heart out to him.  He’s even been gently showing me the lies, rules, and judgments my heart has been using to put God in a box, exposing the fears I have been pushing to the back of my closet, and showing me that dealing with them won’t result in pain, but in beauty and truth.

Surely you desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.  – Psalm 51:6

Truth #3) Maybe it’s the Easter sunday talking, but Christ died for all of us and he died for each of us.  That means that while he did take an action that redeemed us all, it doesn’t make what he went through any less personal for each of us.  That means that by his stripes I am healed.  That he was taunted and persecuted and didn’t stand up for himself for my benefit.  That he found my weak and sinful heart to be worth going through so much trauma that Mel Gibson would make a traumatic movie about it.  He has given us, given me a chance to live through his death.  If that’s not the work of God in my personal life I don’t know what is.

Action Plan!

I think that the best bet in countering this attack of doubt is to continually push myself to do what my human nature and the sin of my heart is trying to get myself away from: dive into the Word, give praise and thanksgiving, count my blessings and remind myself of what God has done for me, to continue the dialogue that our relationship needs. 
With the changes of the season seems to come a sense of other changes, and I am finding myself overwhelmed and unprepared for the battle I’ve already joined. 

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.  Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.  – Ephesians 6:12&13

I have a feeling that my trust issues aren’t going to be disappearing quickly, and that I will continue to make choices about my life keeping them in mind only to kick myself for being so blatantly un-trusting.  But I also will continue to push myself towards the simple and desperately needed practices that I fall out of so often, so that by knowing God’s character as his word and my life reveals it to be I can stop listening to the lie that he is only so big, only so good, only so incredible.  Because he’s so much more, and I am excited to find out how wrong I’ve been.