Category Archives: Dirty’s Reports

Valentine Prayer

14 Tuesday Feb 2012

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Oh Lord, thank you for making Man.  I’m not talking about all of us in a “mankind-is-a-joy-in-all-it’s-ways”, I’m talking about the Men, the males, the opposite sex.  You did some great work.  Thank you for making them with strong arms and big hearts.  Thank you for giving them different wiring and desires.  They are reflections of a side of you I am not, and it can be difficult and comforting to learn from them. 

God, thank you for each of the boys, guys, men that you’ve put in my life.  Thank you for my dad, for the uncles that are and aren’t related, for the brothers and cousins and sweethearts.  You’ve given each of them a purpose and sometimes I get to be a part of it and sometimes I just get to watch their journeys.  I pray, Lord, that your will would be done in their lives, that your purposes for them would be revealed and that you would guide and encourage them.  I pray that those who don’t know you yet will see your grace that brings salvation, and that your heart will draw them to the knowledge of your justice and the price Christ has paid.  Lord, use things that happen in their lives to reveal you in ways that are unexpected and tender.  And I pray that you would continue, as the ever present help in times of need, and as the king whose court we serve, that you would keep those who already know you close to you.  Let them see where they belong, what your purposes are, and who you desire to have in their lives.  So often, God, I really think that I know what’s best for the guys in my life and I know that’s not true.  I don’t know them like you do, and I don’t know their stories like you do.  Thank you for always being able to put them where they need to be, and help me to remember not to trouble my heart over what is not my concern. 

Lord, it’s entirely possible that you’ve got someone picked out for me to marry.  I know that what I want isn’t always what you’ve got planned, and Lord, I will not occupy myself with things too great and too marvelous for me.  I will wait on what you’ve got planned and continue to calm and quiet my soul.  But while I’m waiting to see where you bring me, while I pray that you’re preparing my heart for someone, please be preparing his.  You’ve written our names on the palm of your hand, and you’ve collected every tear we’ve cried in a special stellar bottle.  While I spend my life waiting on you I pray that he is a man who waits on you as well, and that he will be safe in the protection of your grace and mercy.  I pray that he will be a reflection of your heart, and that I will be able to love him best in the ways that you have planned.

Thank you for being enough.  Thank you for being enough for me to not need what I don’t have right now.  Thank you for promising to be better than everything I’ll ever have here on earth, and for life.  You’re the steward of my heart, mind and body.  You’re the love of my life.

Procrastination Station!

11 Saturday Feb 2012

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I am procrastinating very well these days, thank you for asking. I seem to go through swings of being above everything in my room and absolutely unafraid of barreling forward and throwing things away! Packing things! Folding laundry! Cleaning! And then I swing back down low and cower at my desk or on my bed because I don’t want to touch anything. Ever. Again. I have found some pretty cool ways to not do anything productive though, including reading the bible, procrastinating writing on my blog, writing recipes on index cards, looking through magazines for recipes, scrolling through tumblr, playing with my hair and make-up, wearing interesting (that means a little more effort goes into them) outfits, drinking, watching Gossip Girl, watching Veronica Mars, learning how to do a Rubik’s Cube, making bracelets, and playing my guitar.

I’m not sure why I’m being so lazy, but I do know that it’s become a classic Tina Fey move of turning good news into anxiety. I look at everything I have to do and start to think about why I have to do it and start to think about what my life will be in less than a month and I start feeling that clutching claw of stress on my chest and I stop thinking about folding my laundry to make it go away.

In order to do something “productive” I decided to start reading what we’ll be diving into at church, Colossians. I read chapter one while I couldn’t sleep, because with anxiety comes insomnia, and a certain passage really caught my attention.

He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation. For by him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities–all things were created through him and for him. And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together. – Colossians 1:15-17

I was so tired and I was so sad and I was so overwhelmed and I felt every part of the emotions that would give me the confirmation that I cannot do this, I cannot get my shit together and I cannot even pretend to be a grown up and I cannot wake up early and I cannot go to school and I cannot do this. And I read this, and that in him all things hold together. And I took a breath, and I bent my will and I gave up trying to do everything I cannot. I told God the truth, that if HE doesn’t hold me together I will fall apart, and that I need HIM to be holding me together now, and that now will continue for the rest of my life.

I don’t WANT to be a hypocrite.

31 Tuesday Jan 2012

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I was preparing to sit down and write about maturity but I couldn’t figure out what I would say because I have a log in my eye that’s making it hard to focus.
Since I have some time before I start school I have decided to use as much of it as possible to focus on God.  I told God about this, and he seems to think it’s a good idea.  I even told him that if there are things I need to work on in my heart that we should do that, really dig deep.
And now I think that may have been stupid.  I only say this because it’s not even february and I’ve found myself getting flipped upside down.  Parts of me are getting exposed that I didn’t even know existed!  And it’s embarrassing!  When I pray for the Holy Spirit to dig up things for some reason I assume it will take some time, like the crevice that my issues are stuck is really tight and the H. Sizzle needs to get WD 40 to loosen it up.  But no, the H. Sizzle is like hydrogen peroxide.  It gets right in there and things start fizzing and I get confused because I can’t tell where the sounds are coming from.  So now I’ve found myself in a new space that is clear and contained, where God is bringing things that have been dwelling deep in my heart to the surface.  The deep-heart-dwellers that I’ve been harboring, turning to, and believing.

  • That was my last chance, I will be alone forever.
  • People don’t really care about me.  They forget me or get sick of me.
  • This is going to be too hard, I have to give up too much and I won’t be happy.

 

Naked and ashamed.  I’m absolutely ashamed to see what I’ve allowed to take anchor in my heart.  Because it’s unbelief.  And it’s been here so long I didn’t realize it was there.  But now it’s come to the surface, and it’s ugly in the light.  These things are the parts of me that don’t feel that God is enough.  Giving myself over to his will has nothing to do with my feelings and everything to do with choice.  I will choose to believe it’s better.  Better than my feelings are trying to tell me it will be.  Better than what I can expect.  Better than the lies.
Me thinks the best way for me to battle these deep-heart-dwellers, to gut them, to erase them from the walls of my heart, is to remember the truth.  To equip myself each day, preaching the gospel to my own heart in the morning.  It’s important to use the word as the weapon that it is, to strike at the root of the problem with the strength of the living God who can do anything.

  • Alone or not, what I have is the best for me in this moment – “For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor. No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly.” Psalm 84:11
  • My community does not define my character or worth, and the time I spend thinking about other people’s thoughts about me, or thinking in judgmental ways about other people… It’s a misuse of time I could spend with God – “As long as it is day, we must do the work of him who sent me.  Night is coming, when no one can work.” John 9:4
  • I have no reason to worry. – “But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.  Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” Matthew 6:33&34

Attitude Problem

28 Saturday Jan 2012

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To many humans and animals, I seem to have an attitude problem.  I’m a bit dry.  Sometimes I think I’m smarter than other people.  And I’ve even been known to mouth off just because I can.
I’ve been attempting to work at this because I’ve been attempting to find the right attitude to apply to my prayer life.  The way I interact with God should be the way I prepare my heart for other people, and the way I interact with people exposes something of my heart for God.  In the past I’ve found that I get to places where I can’t think of what to pray.  I’ve also tried to suggest to God that my plans are better than his.  And I’ve thrown temper tantrums at him.
But somehow I’ve been finding myself needing to become more and more humble in prayer, and more willing to see what God’s plans are and to accept them as better than mine.  I’ve also found myself more expectant and reliant on him, not that I think I’ll always get what I want, but I’m trying to see where he’s moving and doing great things. 
In Luke 18 Jesus told a parable of a pharisee and a tax collector, and illustrated the differences of their hearts through their behavior at the temple.  The pharisee felt entitled, self-righteous, and was pretty much being a jackass.  The tax collector couldn’t even look towards heaven because he was so ashamed of himself and cried out for mercy from God.

“I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted.”

I’ve been guilty of praying for things like I deserve them.  I will be again.  I’m human.  But that’s not the way we should be approaching the throne of grace.  It’s not the way Christ did it, and as a people who are attempting to reflect him to the world we should be mindful of how he broke himself before God.  Hebrews 5:7 says that

During the days of Jesus’ life on earth, he offered up prayers and petitions with loud cries and tears to the one who could save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverent submission.

It doesn’t say that he was heard because he was God’s kid.  It doesn’t say that he was saved from the cross because he prayed.  It does say that he learned obedience through his suffering, and that through his reverent submission he was used as the perfect secret weapon to overthrow satan’s endgame; becoming the eternal source of salvation for all.  As Philippians 2:8&9 say

And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
and became obedient to death—
even death on a cross!
Therefore God exalted him to the highest place
and gave him the name that is above every name

I will never be Christ, never ever in my life now or the next one.  I will never be perfect.  But I am cleansed in his blood and have been given a new life, a new name, a new legacy.  When God looks at me he sees one of his children.  And according to my research what he wants from my prayer life is humility , a broken spirit, and a heart willing to do his will even/especially when that has nothing to do with mine.

Greatest Adventures of Primetime Bible-Study-Hopping

27 Friday Jan 2012

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A while ago one of the guys at my bible study challenged the group to be able to not only memorize verses, but to be able to cite them.  This is indeed a challenge for me, as I can usually remember a story or a certain message and where ont he page it is located, but not always word for word or the reference.  I have been trying, though, and even though I’m not always successful this practice has brought me new understanding about my relationship with the Word. 
Keeping this challenge in mind I have started to notice if fellow Christians are memorizing word for word, if they are looking at verses in context, and if they are recalling the reference as well.  I’m still pretty awful at it on a regular basis, even this week I went to bring up a verse and completely forgot what book it was in.  I was surprised I remembered so much of it, I could see it in my mind at the bottom of the right page and continued on for a few sentences at the top of the next page… but the reference?  Gone.  (It was 1 Corinthians 1:18-25 and thankfully I didn’t misinterpret it.)
So keeping all this in mind, last week I found myself in an awkward situation.
I went to my friend’s bible study at a different church.  It was way different from 20 people piled on top of each other.  The small group was 30+ people, and there were about a thousand small groups.  It was interesting, and it introduced me to new challenges, like paying attention to so many people giving their names and the last meal they would eat if on death row (I hate ice breakers) and not laughing in the face of the group leader.
Before you start thinking it, let me inform you of this: I’m an asshole.  This group leader deserves a lot of credit.  He obviously has a strong passion for Christ.  He’s smart, focused in the way that only a former athlete can be, and has a huge heart for people.  He also is very into his lesson plan, and very intent on the group digging into the word and using more than one scripture to make a point.  I was all, “Oh hey, what a good idea!  It’s like a research paper/discussion about what I’m getting from the bible!  Challenge accepted.”
So I’m pretty impressed because this guy knows the book of Mark and the other gospels inside out, and I’m learning a few things while being the loudmouth that I am and adding to the discussion.  Then he brings up Sodom and Gomorrah to illustrate a point.  He explained to the group how God warned Lot he was going to bring judgment on the city he lived in and how because of this chance Lot got to bargain for the city, asking if there were 10 righteous people for the city to be spared, 5 righteous, 1 righteous person.  And because God gave him that warning Lot got the chance to try to save people.
I facepalmed.
Genesis 18:16-33 tells a story about how the Lord was visiting with Abraham, telling him about how Sarah was going to be pregnant in a year, and decided to send two of his angels to check out how awful S&G were.  The Lord told Abraham about how he would be raining judgment down on the cities, and he allowed Abraham to plead for the cities.  He asked that the people be spared if 50 men were righteous, and begged that number down to 10. 
Being the person I am, I turned to the guy sitting next to me to educate him.  I felt we had begun a comradery, since we both used our phones impolitely during the meeting to text and look up scripture.  I whispered at him, “It wasn’t 1 person, it was 10.  And it wasn’t Lot, it was Abraham!”
I honestly felt a little too embarrassed for the leader to tell him in front of everyone that he just used a story to illustrate a point that was told so inaccurately that Fox news would be all over using him as an anchor for their national programming.  So my new pal, being supportive and grateful for this correction, turns to me and whispers,
“Know-it-all!”

Facepalm.