Category Archives: Dirty’s Reports

Dirty Dozen: Easter Thanks

20 Sunday Apr 2014

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  1.  I am so grateful for the friends I have made who I don’t see very often, which is quite a few of them these days.  I am even grateful that I don’t see them too often because it makes the time that I do spend with them become more important.
  2. I am thankful for my family, even though I want to kill them all once a day.  Without them I would not be who I am today.
  3. A year ago on Easter my parents and I decided to check out a little church in the Mills because we were hoping against hope that there would be a church in the area to plug in to.  God faithfully provided us with a place that would become our community, and it’s been such a blessing.
  4. As I am currently sick I am grateful that generally I am not.
  5. If music were not a thing, if it didn’t exist… well, let’s not talk crazy.  I’m so glad it is.
  6. Daylight makes everything better.  I’m so happy that it stays lighter later in the day.  The sun really has been missed.
  7. Speaking of sun, I get to go visit my dear friend in Texas and hopefully meet her brand new son in less than 2 weeks!  I know I’ll be complaining about the heat, but I get to see her and I’ve missed her very much!
  8. I am thankful that while I have been sick I have been able to just rest my body.  It shouldn’t seem like a big deal, because generally unemployment suuuuuuucks, but if I couldn’t just snug up in my bed yesterday I would not have made it to church to paint faces of children this morning.
  9. I am thankful that God is still, for some reason I don’t understand, pursuing my heart.  He is relentless in his pursuit, and for some reason wants to make sure I get to be the one that celebrates Christ’s fulfillment of the law and victory over death. He just keeps winning me over.
  10. I am grateful for creativity, and being able to make things with my hands.
  11. Thank God that bugs don’t live inside my room.  Thank you Jesus!
  12. And I am thankful that even when I am running on empty and almost completely dry I can still manage to find things to be thankful for, even with a small list, because it will lead to a bigger one.

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Nope, Life Isn’t Easy.

05 Saturday Apr 2014

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andyI’ve been listening to a lot of the White Horse Inn lately, catching up on the 3 part series on Job and suffering. Michael Horton was talking quite a bit about Calvin and his works and their relation to the conversation they were having on suffer. It was a very uplifting series to listen to, and here are some truths that I got from it.

It seems that the hardest thing to do when we are in the midst of hardship and suffering is remember what our relationship with God is. When I am suffering I fall back on the rudminary belief that for some reason God is allowing me to suffer because I deserve it, or because He doesn’t care about me. For some reason I still have unbelief in my heart over what I am in His eyes.
It’s easier to think that when I die I will be taken up to an enormous drive-through-movie style viewing of my life and God will make me watch it and answer questions and give me a verdict on the condition of my heart. It’s easier to think that I have some sort of input to the way that I will be perceived by Him who is holy and righteous and just. But what is harder is the truth that I have no say whatsoever. For some reason it still bugs me that I won’t have the option to stand trial and argue my case; because the judgment was already made and the courtroom is empty.

The death he died, he died to sin once and for all; but the life he lives, he lives to God. – Romans 6:10

Christ already stood trial for me and took my punishment. He cleared out that courtroom so that we don’t have to go back again. But there are times that I still feel that God has drawn His bow and is aiming it right at me. I still feel like I’m being punished because of what happens in my life, and I still want to blame myself and Him for what happens.
What I can’t see is that God isn’t aiming at me but at the sin wrapped around my neck, slowly trying to kill me. And what I forget is that this was part of the deal of becoming a child of God and a follower of Christ.

If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. – Hebrews 12:8

What’s worse is that I forget that just living in this world is a great way to have horrible things happen to you because the world is full of sin. Add that to following Christ and you’ve given yourself great odds at having a lot of bad things happen to you.
I have submitted myself before and attempt to again almost everyday, because I still wake up with a wild heart in the cage of my ribs that refuses to understand that there are things I will go through that won’t be given reasons in this lifetime. I try desperately to remind myself that though now is my time of grief and suffering I will one day get to meet Jesus face to face and nothing else will matter.  I will no longer have the desire to ask Him why, why do these things have to happen, why do I have to walk through this? One day He will ultimately resolve all issues. And I am so looking forward to that day.
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Boys as Friends

19 Wednesday Mar 2014

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When I was in High School my best friends were a mixed group, guys and girls. I would go over to my guy friend’s houses or they would come to mine, we would hang out after school, sometimes in a group or just us, watch movies, listen to music, play video games, talk. During college I made some more friends, and some of them were guys who were been better friends to me than 98% of the girls I met at school. After college I had a few co-workers who saved my sanity and were friends like only working together could have made us. They were all guys.
But when it comes to male/female friendships I have found that there are some needless complications that can occur. For instance, attraction or perceived attraction. If you’re dealing with a friend being attracted to another friend, well, either keep it to yourself until it goes away or go ahead and make that friendship strain by telling the person how you feel. Honestly, and this is a technique that I believe to have saved my hide a billion times, I will not tell a male friend if I have feelings for him or if I find him attractive. I will not tell them what they don’t need to know, because

  1. Being friends with someone can make you attracted to their personality, which does not mean that you should have any romantic involvement
  2. Being attracted physically to someone doesn’t mean you should have any romantic involvement
  3. Real talk: I have horrible taste in guys so I should never trust my attractions. Ever.

Hence, don’t bother bringing up something that will put unneeded strain on a relationship. What else does this cover? Usually it also covers what I like to call perceived attraction, which is when you think one of your friends is starting to have feelings for you but you’re not sure. I’ve been on both sides of this one, on the one hand having to put up different boundaries because a male friend was not being subtle at all, and on the other being confused about why a male friend was accusing me of being into him. This situation can get real cloudy real fast in the Christian community, what with the assumption that every single girl is trying to turn you into her husband before she runs out of eggs in her ovary basket. I actually get a little offended when that happens, because I’m a person that prides herself on being very forthright about everything all the time, including my own intentions, and also I’m a prideful sinner and I can’t be perfect, sorry. Not sorry.
So what I’ve come to believe about these male/female friendships is that, as I mentioned before, there should be boundaries. I agree with what Drew Barrymore said,

You have to have endless love with constant boundaries.

I also firmly believe that there are a lot of different people in the world and that my boundaries in my friendships will not be the same as theirs. I’m still finding where the right boundaries are for me, the ones that existed before in the best friendships and the ones that should have been in place in others. I know that my first rule is to attempt to treat all male friends as brothers, which thankfully I’ve had some training for with my little brother being one of my best friends. My second rule for myself is not to take any of it too seriously, but also to know where I stand. Someone will always find themselves watching When Harry Met Sally and reconsidering the entire idea of male/female friendships, and everyone will experience them differently. But where I stand on the subject is that yes, there can be friendships between guys and girls, and that I can say because of experiencing it.
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Thought Trail for Valentine’s Day.

10 Monday Feb 2014

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Being a single woman on Valentine’s day has, in years past, given me yet another day of the week to be bitter and resentful. Watching all the romantic comedies, the special Valentine’s day episodes of my favorite shows, and just seeing Facebook posts of other people being happily in love has made me want to throw my electronic device into the ocean. It would be so satisfying!
But my attitude problem when it comes to all things in the romance section of the card aisle of every drugstore is not something that brings me joy. It’s not something I’m ashamed of because I lost my shame towards just about everything a long time ago, but it’s not something that edified me in the slightest. It gives me the opportunity to look at my past and be resentful of my own decisions. It gives me a chance to sing along to The Chain by Fleetwood Mac with complete conviction. It always gives me a chance to drink alcohol to my face. But none of that can be described as productive, joyful, or peaceful.yearsSpeaking of romantic comedies and the like, they really give us quite a warped view of what relationships will be like. So many of the movies out there feed us lines about what love should be like, and how the person you are going to be with should be, but it’s generally a lot of propaganda so that we keep falling for the same clichéd story lines. Not going to the new Rom-Com because it’s emotional porn for women? That’d be stupid when you can take a quote from it and put it in your Facebook profile so that your twisted-by-the-media view of love is up there for everyone to see!
Even the movie Juno (which I do take a cue from when it comes to a lesson in love: be BFFs) has become overhyped for a quote about love that just doesn’t work in reality.junoI’d also like to point out that there are plenty of classic authors that I’d like to punch in the face for making us believe that british men can woo like no others. There are more than a few girls out there waiting for their Mr. Darcy, believing that people like him exist in reality.mrdarcyGetting hit on generally leads to dashed hopes and broken dreams of romantic eloquence.pantspartyFor single girls with expectations (I’d say high expectations, but honestly I think “8th grade reading level” and “has all teeth” aren’t high expectations. They are normal expectations.) there is a fine line to walk when it comes to accepting the status of being single. At this moment in time, I’m actually quite content with where I’m at. I am not lonely because I live with my family, and I’m disillusioned to the pandering of romantic drama on the screens. But sometimes being single can look more like a surrender to spinster-hood, and you wake up one day discovering that you’ve crocheted Christmas presents for everyone you know 8 months early while watching Netflix and petting your cats. Worse, there are times where you feel so desperate for what (it seems) everyone else has that you end up lowering your own standards and just making due with someone who is interested in you.
mindy2mindy1After making those choices I always remember why I am not supposed to be let out of the house without an adult. And I always remember how important it was to have those standards in the first place.aliceConversations where you look for sympathy can become the most rage inducing experiences that have ever happened, and this is coming from a girl who has regularly documented rage blackouts. The most obnoxious of these for me are with family members. Inevitably the question pops up somehow, in my extended family it’s usually phrased very nonchalantly.
“So, anyone special in the picture?”
Well…lovelifeWhich leads to their expounding upon the benefits of using a dating service on the world-wide web.
Honestly, I do know some people who have met on different dating sites but that doesn’t make me want to join one. I have seen way too many shady things happen in the past because of them, and I don’t want to lie on the profile to make myself more attractive. Hobbies?judgingAnd every guy loves the outdoors, and sports, and fresh air for some reason. Meanwhile I just want to be left alone to read a book in the climate controlled room of my choosing.outdoorsI have way too many quirks and opinions and bad habits to be someone’s cup of tea, especially if it’s based on an online profile. And I’m just fine with that. I’m even fine with being given crap because I’m not comfortable with having a profile on an online dating service, even if that makes ME the weird one. I’m used to it. And as I’ve already mentioned, right now I’m enjoying being exactly where I am and seeing what becomes of me. 30rockxmendirty

How To Not Write A Book Or Blog Post

05 Wednesday Feb 2014

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  • Become unemployed.  All the free time will make you start projects that you never finish and take up hobbies that you won’t enjoy.
  • This one’s a classic for a reason: Binge watch TV either on Netflix or iTunes.  There’s no better way to not write something original than to get sucked into your favorite season of Doctor Who, or to finally start watching the episodes you missed of Glee because maybe you can finally handle seeing Finn onscreen again (RIP).  It’s really helpful to spend the money on iTunes because you not only don’t write anything for days but you have the reassurance that if you were to travel somewhere on a plane or something you could put a whole season of something on your phone and not be bored the entire flight or ride to your destination.
  • Drop your phone, shatter the screen, get a new one with more memory, and download Candy Crush.  You’ll discover hours of your life can slip past you.
  • If you go out on the town, find yourself in Target, or impulse buy online make sure to use a credit card.  It’ll give you that anxiety that leads to looping thoughts of debt and prison and selling virginity on eBay that will make it impossible to write.
  • Make sure you’ve told everyone you talk to ever in your whole life that you want to write a book and you’re gonna do it, by golly!  Also, make sure there are plenty of people who want to read what you write, so that you become a bit more shut in and worse at keeping in touch.  It also leads to your only creative moments in your day, when you are explaining to someone why you actually haven’t been writing.
  • Create a new space for your creativity.  Either decide to make an office out of a room in your home or to re-do your own room, to such an extent as you can.  I chose to “re-do” my room, because a cluttered living space means a cluttered mind!  Now I have completed cleaning out 50% of it, stolen metal shelves from the basement, and bought a new desk, all while watching the first season of The Mindy Project.  Everything I can’t find a place for is still on my floor.
  • This one is so “useful” because it’s something that you really need to do and also a great excuse to do whatever you want aside from writing: Research.  I’ve been researching my book, and right now I have a folder of magazine cutouts of clothes I want one of the characters to wear and cannot decide what to name the protagonist.  I have also found many online articles that will be helping me with the process but I bookmarked them all because I didn’t have the time to read them.    dirty