Zoom Zoom.


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anigif_enhanced-buzz-9161-1389048860-22Another year has come and gone, another birthday has been spent thinking about all of the things I haven’t accomplished in my life, and another season has hit with the tenacity of this humid Maine summer.

I’m not really a control freak.  I’m actually the worst with control.  I know this because I don’t have it so I don’t bother trying to control things.  I don’t clean my room very often.  I don’t get upset if people don’t do things my way.  I don’t even drive

Driving a car is to me the scariest thing in the entire universe, second only to bees.  Anxiety reigns when I get behind the wheel.  My heart rate elevates, my hands start shaking, and I start to hyper focus.  What other people can do like it’s no big deal at all I find terrifying and paralyzing.  I don’t understand people who think they are safe having control over a vehicle that could easily get smashed to pieces by another bigger vehicle.  I don’t like having the responsibility of life and death in my hands.  Is that a little dramatic?  Do I care?  If you find a bee in the house, set it on fire.  The house.  With the bee inside.

But I promised my parents, those people who are trying to help me be a grown up, at the beginning of the year that I would work towards getting my license.  Since January I have been studiously avoiding the driver’s manual and making sure that I am only in the passenger’s seat of the car.  Every now and then I had lapses in concentration and read the book, or mom would annoy the crap out of me and quiz me.  Surprisingly I become a comedian when people quiz me about car stuff.  Like, I’m really funny you guys.  You’d have to be there but trust me on this: I’m hilarious.

The day after my birthday I woke up at 7 and mom drove me to the DMV so that I could take the test to get my permit.  The proctor wished me a late happy birthday.  The security guy behind him asked if he was too late to spank me.  I gave them a look.  The first guy said I wasn’t down for that.  I said no I was not.

After the eye exam I sat down at the computer with my name on the screen and started the test.  The night before I had planned on studying but instead I drank tequila and talked to a friend on the phone for over an hour.  I also didn’t even get out of work until 9:50 pm or so.  But I relied on my extensive test taking skills that I acquired from years of schooling, and I strategically answered as many questions as I could without going over the limit of wrong answers and skipped a few that I didn’t know to answer questions I did know.  Ultimately I was one of the first people finished and I got a modest 80. 

So now I have to drive. 

It’s not like there’s a set amount of hours, the proctor said that I could send in to take the test when I feel ready.  So I have 5 months to start attempting to drive like a sane human person so that I can send in for said license test. 

But I don’t like it!  And it’s so hard!  And it scares me so much you guys!  I’d rather be covered in bees while trying to eat honey, which apparently some dude did.  

In trying to power through the anxiety wall I am finding myself facing more anxiety behind the wheel.  How can people do anything while driving?  I can barely work the radio, which really pisses me off because I need some tunes always.  I forget that I have mirrors, so I just pray there’s no one on the road before I leave the driveway.  I’m not entirely understanding of the amount of space that the car takes up on the road from the driver’s seat.  I drive under the speed limit a lot.

But I’m trying. 

I know that God wants me to do it because He made me my parent’s daughter and they are quite fervent in their belief that I need to drive.  I know that He wants me to do it because He doesn’t like that I live afraid of something.  I know He wants me to put on my big girl panties and deal with driving because what everyone has told me is true, I will be able to have freedom.  But I don’t think it’s just the ability to go where I want to that will be this freedom, I think it will be God giving me a chance to work through this fear.  I’m afraid of the things I can’t control outside the car and of being unable to control it correctly myself.  If I were in the bible I would be a lazy disciple, definitely.  No wonder God is giving me another challenge. 

What I want to do is one of the most difficult things in the universe.  I want to rely not on myself but on the truth of who Christ is.  I know that if I can remember to focus on this whole driving thing as a spiritual exercise I’ll rely on Christ instead of my own ability, which is always the most comforting thing I can think of when facing stress and anxiety.  When I try to take control, lose control, whatever; the truth of the situation is that I have a savior who is waiting for me in the eye of the storm.  I’m not getting swept away like Dorothy to Oz, and I’m not going to hide in the storm cellar either.  I’m going to try to meet Him in the middle of the terrifying.  dirty

Summer Makeup Review: Lip Color


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My current favorite daily makeup look is so simple it hurts me to not do more. Seriously. I can’t be bothered to use more than 4 or 5 products, and the focus ends on eyebrows and lip color. I can’t even explain how strange it is to realize I can do my makeup quickly in the morning. It’s liberating and disturbing!
That being said I have been playing with a few different drugstore lip products because I have certain expectations of my lip wear. The top things I look at are: Price, Longevity, Pigmentation, Moisture. Price because I’m cheap, longevity because I can’t be reapplying my lip color all day just so I don’t look like an idiot! Pigmentation, which is the saturation of color, because I prefer something that will deliver a strong, bold hue. Moisture because my lips get really dry and I look like a monster. So, here are the products I’ve reviewed over the past few weeks.
1. Rimmel Lasting Finish by Kate Lipstick, 12 – $5.49
I picked this product because I have read some really good things about the collaboration that Kate Moss did with Rimmel, especially when it comes to the lipstick. Kate loves a classic red lip, so it makes sense that she would want to make a long lasting but smooth product. I picked a color that is a little more orange than red, because, color. The way that this lipstick goes on is so true to the color, and the finish is slightly matte. I’m not fancy about applying lip color, I put this on straight from the tube and guess what? It sort of tastes like sweet tarts. I’m not a huge lipstick fan because of how dry my lips get and how the lipstick looks after a few hours, but this one stayed on with only moderate fading during a long shift at work. I think I touched it up once, patting on a little more color with my finger. The one drawback was that when I would touch my mouth the color would come off on whatever I was touching; finger, straw, tissue. It does wipe off easily at the end of the day. For the price I would say that Kate and Rimmel are winning at brand/celeb collaborations.
2. Covergirl Wetslicks Lipgloss, 345 Peaches ‘n Gleam – $5.99
I found this particular lip gloss shade in high school and it has always been my go to for a nude lip. Yes, it’s not a bright lip shade, but I still believe everyone in the world should know about it! It’s a perfect shimmery pink that sheers out to let your own lip color show through. Since it’s just a gloss it does need to be reapplied more often, but I’m telling you it’s perfect on every person. It’s seriously so pretty.
3. L’Oreal Colour Riche Extraordinaire Lip Color, 201 Rose Symphony – $9.99
I read about this product in a column that Mandy Moore did for Byrdie and I had to try it. Mandy Moore is my favorite, forever. I considered buying the colors she had named as her favorite, but ultimately I went with one I thought would be bright and look good on me. The color is really nicely pigmented without being opaque to the point of weird. The texture is glossy, but it feels almost more like a balm. And as for staying power, it lasted through a walk on the beach, through shifts at work, and while doesn’t always look glossy the color does have surprisingly good staying power.
4. Revlon Lip Butter, Lollipop, Peach Parfait, Berry Smoothie – $8.99
Good Lord I love this product! I’ve been using it for a few years, after I saw Emma Stone in an add in a magazine because I love copying people I admire. I have three colors because I’m an avid collector, and I seriously wouldn’t buy another product for a while. Let’s begin by saying that the colors all have a little shimmer/glitter in them. Also, they feel like a dang chap stick. Seriously, it feels like you’re just putting on your chap stick and then you realize that your mouth is a different color. Speaking of color, it’s super pigmented. It’s possible to sheer it out, but I don’t bother. I swipe it on and feel like a bajillion bucks. It does tend to come off a little on things, like tissues, but it has a solid mid-range staying power. Plus, it moisturizes your lips! It’s so nice! I love this product so much that I used to buy it as graduation presents during beauty school.
5. Maybelline Color Elixir by Color Sensational Lip Color, Petal Pusher and Hibiscus Haven – $8.99 each
I was disappointing in the lighter pink color of these because it is so pretty at first but then it looks like I have clear lip gloss on. It’s like, hello I wanted color! So I decided to give a different color a chance and was happy to find that though it does still tend to sheer out the color is a lot better. It feels like a gloss, but not a gloppy sticky one, a smooth and clean one. I prefer to layer this product over others, because it gives them a bit more shine and a little more of a pop of color.
6. Revlon Colorstay Moisture Stain, New York Scene and Cannes Crush – $9.99
Currently this is the product I use almost every day. I got the red one a while ago, like during gloomy May weather, and was hoping it would be darker and bolder so I put it in my drawer until a few weeks ago. I whipped it back out after buying the same product in this glorious melon shade and realizing that it’s Ah Mah Zing. It goes on super smooth, it sheers out but can be layered to deliver more color. Because it feels like a gloss but stains I apply some to my lip then use my finger to pat/smooth it on and it stays. All. Day. For real, this stuff doesn’t go anywhere until you want it to. Oh, and did I mention it’s moisturizing? Because it is! It’s well worth the 10 bucks.

No Originality.


I used to think that our culture was what perpetuated the idea that if we do the same things as someone we will feel closer to them. I thought that it was just America being stupid and failing to understand that marketing is mind control. Of course, it controls my mind so I don’t know why I was such a jerk about it. But I started thinking about the times that we decide to copy other people and why.
I met a girl who got a tattoo on her finger that is just like the one Rihanna has, because Rihanna has it. Every fashion forward girl has started growing out her eyebrows because of Cara Delevingne breaking the mold and being called beautiful. Personally I will literally look up products that celebrities use and purchase them because I am delusional and I think they make me cooler.
Then there are things like the fact that I cook the way that I do because I’ve been copying my mother for years. I make Manhattans the way that I do because it’s the way my dad makes them. I decided to change the way that I invest in people because of the way that I saw Derek invest in people. I started to change the kind of conversations I had with my female friends after having a close relationship with Tink because the way that she steered what we would talk about was edifying and encouraging, and I want to be able to be that kind of friend to others. I could go on and on and on.
But what’s the point? And why is this something that I feel the need to do, trying to be like other people?
When I think about why I copy other people I find that I am desiring to either feel closer to them or be them. I don’t cut corners people, when I look at how I choose to repeat behaviors and actions that I saw someone else do I realize that I feel like I could be them, or like they are with me. Is that weird? Or, is it the way I was made? What if there is something in me that needs to do what someone else does in order to feel a connection with them? Does that make me damaged?
I don’t think so.

For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps.  (1 Peter 2:21)

It sounds like maybe Christ knew that I like to copy other people.

…to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness. (Ephesians 4:22-24)

It sounds like this guy is telling me to stop being quite so much like myself and to start acting more like someone else.

Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. (Ephesians 5:1&2)

That sounds like an explicit command from someone smarter than me that is telling me to become more like Christ. I see a trend. I wonder, since God created me and knew even all the way back “in the beginning” that I would be born into sin and would never be able to be perfect on my own… Maybe He really did make me this way? Maybe He knew that I was born to be a copycat and was faithful to make it into a tool in my relationship with Him. Maybe God even designed me to be this way on purpose, so that I would find it easier to follow Christ because all I have to do is whatever he does to feel closer to Him, which in turn God sees as me being more like Him.

Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. (Matthew 11:29)

Whatever the case, I feel pretty comfortable following that command. dirty

Happy Birthday To My Mom


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DSC_0061DSC_0063Since it’s mom’s birthday today I thought it would be a good time to share some really cool pictures from our sightseeing in Texas. We got to take the train to Reunion Tower in Dallas, which was completely rad.DSC_0078The view was incredible, and we got to have lunch at their Cloud Nine Cafe, which was super yum. Apparently all the items on the menu were designed by chef Wolfgang Puck, and there is another restaurant that is fancier called Five Sixty that requires things like making reservations and a dress code. You can get more information about the tower here. DSC_0101Being in a hotel room with my mother for 6 days could have been the worst, but I am so thankful that it wasn’t. I think God really wanted us to have a little vacation, because that’s what it felt like. We even worked out together in the tiny little hotel gym, which was pretty hilarious. The past few years have definitely been rough at times, but there has also been some positive growth, especially when it comes to the relationships in our family. I’m very happy to have my mom, I would never want another woman to take her place. DSC_0076